IABU but help me see it- ILs

[IABUQueen]

Hi all,

My dilemma is that I began my relationship with my in laws on a very naive note. I took their backhanded compliments as I’m just sensitive.. believed their love bombing. Thought I can earn their trust one day and they will back away from questioning everything I do...

I tried to make them like me and my family, who they said crap about... I invited them to my mums house. Introduced my sil to my cousin..

Now my mum and MIL was encouraged by me to get close. They knew each other before but Weren’t close. My cousin and SIL became friends as I used to take them out together (SIL was young at the time). Me my cousin were like sisters.

It took me a while to get out of the fog and realise what was happening. That I was being controlled and that they were branching into my personal life to dig out ammunition for their narcissistic behaviour.. good two or three years in and I went no contact to limited contact.

Bare in mind the relationship between my in laws and my own family was mainly through me. They did used to send forwards or so but not close enough for conversations and meet ups unless I initiate it.

So when I went low contact, still see them on occasions every month or so and I call them. But I keep personal space... my mil and sil started initiating deeper contact with my cousin (she is an 19 yo) and love bombing her... and my mother, who is a very naive woman...

I have told my mother what I’ve been through.. and my cousin. As well as my cousins mother.. but it seems they chose to believe it being difficult because mil is being very generous with her love to them..

I know I can’t really control my families relationship with whoever they wish... but is it unreasonable to feel they don’t really care about me enough? And is it unreasonable for me to be weirded out by the sudden wanting one-on-one with my cousin and over investment, seeing it as a way to control me?

In the past they had used said cousin to humiliate me, i informed her. They told me things like how they think my husband fancies her (utter bollocks) and they really tried to get between us.. so now I’m having to cut contact with my cousin because I feel they’re doing the same about me to her.. I love her and I’m very hurt .

I think I’m being unreasonable but I need some help seeing it from the other point of view. Because I feel like the very people I needed support from are now taken away from me and they don’t realise how they’re affecting me.

God only knows. Lots of words. No info.

*but confiding anencephaly

You told who about anencephaly? Is those connected to the birth story above?*

Lol that was a typo. Was meant to say especially

Op, you write like you have read a book on psychotherapy. Love bombing, ammunition, controlling, narcissistic, it's all a bit much.

Bottom line uou don't like your in laws and wish your family not to be friends with them and you're willing to cut your family out if they continue to be, ie your cousin.

If this is what you feel you must do, then do so.

Ok sorry for posting about something so vague..

I really can’t share more details and I understand that most find this insufficient to advise..

I guess someone who might’ve experienced similar behaviour pattern might be able to offer some neutral advice without needing to pick a side.

Surely even if they were angels many of us want to keep our personal boundaries and space with in laws who we had tension with... respectfully and civilly.. was just hoping my family would be able to see that I was unwise when I let them be enmeshed in my personal space and wisen up with me. I guess they’re just confused, as most pp. I’m quite private about my life details and don’t want to be sharing with them the ins and outs. I jus told them what I thought would be enough for them to see there is tension..

Bottom line uou don't like your in laws and wish your family not to be friends with them and you're willing to cut your family out if they continue to be, ie your cousin.

I hadn’t cut out my mum no. Just had few arguments about how I need her to stop airing out our family drama to my mil.

Hadn’t cut out cousin. She was like a sister to me, in and out of my house and sleepovers.. but now we just say hi and meet at family occasions. I did lose trust in my cousin and no longer share life details with her.

Well if you explained that to your family the same way you’re doing here, I’m not surprised you were not successful.

I’m not trying to be unkind, but your thinking, and the way you express yourself, seem to be very muddled. You need to separate your emotions from the facts. Focus on the facts, make a list of the relevant ones, then explain how they affected you.

I can see there is definitely another side to your story. You are coming across as rather difficult and paranoid, as well as controlling. It is very difficult to say how to help you as I don't feel you have a very good grasp on the situation yourself.

Fair enough Boris.

But if ILs hate me so much to the point of not wanting to see my son or videos of him.. ostracised their own son...

Why would they want to be friends with my family members who are basically too weak and naive and would never say no?.

They were not even speaking to me. Blocked me. They weren’t that close to my family members, aside from meetings I arranged.. which I admit the cousin and ail did enjoy each other’s company I guess..

Unless my cousin and mother think I’m also a peice of hard work and aren’t telling me and are sure my in laws are victims and are secretly sympathising with my in laws and think they’re excused for not wanting anything to do with me...

In that case my family don’t really trust me? So maybe I can be hurt ?

Ok I guess I’m coming across as hard work to my family members.

Just didn’t think anyone needed to know all my family drama before they respect the fact I need my space from in laws as we have tension- regardless of who is right or wrong. I don’t get involved between DH and them and he freely visits them and they’re always welcomed to see my son.. just , I’m personally not feeling like being that close anymore. Rightly or wrongly.

I guess not everyone is able to respect that as a choice unless im a victim? And my family don’t see me as such?

It could well be that you are overthinking it and in your relatives' minds, no more goes through than "IABUQueen doesn't get on with them but they're always ok to me." In real life I'd say 99% of these sorts of things are caused by one person overthinking things to death and attributing more and more to all the normal everyday interactions as the overthinking goes on.

Your MIL sounds mental OP, I realise you can’t say much as it could be revealing but from what you’ve said I do think she sounds very manipulative! Most people would naturally try and be as welcoming as possible to your new married into family, I know I did! I would suggest trying to steer clear as much as you can from her, try not to tell your cousin things about your life you don’t want getting back to MIL and support your mum if possible if she gives in to seeing her. They will eventually realise on their own what the SIL and MIL are like.

You need to toughen up, step out of the dramas (whoever they are caused by) and crack on enjoying your life.

Don't analyse or try to manage them. It won't help in the long run.

I suspect I am much older than you (47) and I wasted years trying to fix/manage/understand. Free yourself

Keep your distance from your MIL and leave the others to it. You can’t control them.

I am recent friends with a relative of DH’s who has been black sheeped from the whole family other than DH who stayed out of the whole thing. I met her in an entirely different circle, and would be quite unamused by MIL and SIL (who hate her guts) trying to tell me who I can befriend. Maybe it will blow up in my face (though I doubt it) but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Thanks EmExtra. I guess you are right. If I give them the space they will eventually figure it out on their own. I just hope they don’t spill too much details that van cause me stress till then..

I realise It’s not up to me to control that. But if these were like my relatives or distant poeple in my life fair enough. But these two were my network of support. The closest two females in my life. I’m so hurt that I’m so isolated.

I met her in an entirely different circle, and would be quite unamused by MIL and SIL (who hate her guts) trying to tell me who I can befriend.

But it’s really different. This is my own mother.. and my cousin/sister/best friend... we did everything together.

And these in laws are the reason I’m going counselling and depressed and they do know that.

If everyone involved is an adult (I think they are?) then I'd let it all blow over. Rightly or wrongly, you are coming across as hard work, and the way to avoid that is surely just to take several steps back?

Rightly or wrongly, you are coming across as hard work, and the way to avoid that is surely just to take several steps back?

But I’m here to figure out how to resolve my feelings about my family’s investment with in laws that don’t like me... not on how to not come across as hard work on mn?

IABUQueen, I can see it from both sides, but you can’t let this get to you for your sake as well. Your family are adults, and if they want to take their chances they will be the ones who have to pick up the pieces if it blows up. You can distance yourself from them if it helps you, but you can’t make them feel a loyalty to you that they don’t.

not on how to not come across as hard work on mn?

Oh of course I know we're all strangers but is there a risk that you might be coming across the same way IRL?

I can see it from both sides, but you can’t let this get to you for your sake as well. Your family are adults, and if they want to take their chances they will be the ones who have to pick up the pieces if it blows up. You can distance yourself from them if it helps you, but you can’t make them feel a loyalty to you that they don’t

I just think for the past year, I have been the one picking up the peices. They receive polite smiles and i have to hear the snide remarks about my family behind closed doors. My DH has to deal with constant calls about his mum analysing my mothers morals and overly investing themselves in my cousin and her families life choices which they dont do to their faces.... and both me and DH handled it so far by being distant because he doesnt know how to have that talk about boundaries.

She is absolutely not interested in creating drama with my mum and cousin. I dont see it happening. She has just been obsessive about my relationship with DH and having all the info she needs.. my recent option for privacy has inconvenienced this.

Interesting you link this to loyalty. Yes thats how I was seeing it to. I didnt think i can force loyalty, but would you not be hurt if your own mother and cousin who is almost a sibling to you, didnt have that kind of loyaly? I wont do anything about it but i want to know where i stand/

To the rest of the pp, Now ofcourse im giving biased perspective here. Im not denying that.. I just cant describe the facts because theyre too unique.. You really dont need to believe me. I just want generic advice in terms of my relationshop with mum and cousin.

If its clear to them, and it is, that my ILs dont like me... and we are tolerating each other to keep peace.. is it not hurtful to not give her access to my personal life?

I guess it does come across as controlling.. but dont judge a bbook by its cover.. sometimes situations are so hard to manage we do need to control who we let into our space?

I understand why you're hurt, you should be able to epxect loyalty from your mum and cousin, but until they realise what's happening, and make their own decisions to step back from your MIL and SIL, you should step away from them. By that, I don't mean go no contact, but don't tell them anything personal, just keep conversations light, as if you were talking to a stranger.

Does your MIL see her grandson now? What was your DH's reaction to her saying she didn't love your child, or want anything to do with him?

Thanks Motoko.. I guess I am going to talk to them like stranger as you suggest. Already do now with cousin but really struggling to do that with mum as I was used to confiding in her..

My MIL does see my son now. It was after me and my DH pretended to back down and pretended we gave in to her ways..

When she said these things about my son DH was very hurt. He was crying for weeks. He obviously realised by that point that his mum was trying to blackmail us... I couldn’t bare seeing him in this state so I decided we just compromise and do things her way...

I was hormonal and insecure... I did what she wanted me.. but she still didn’t want anything to do with my son and was blackmailing DH.. I continued for many months until DS was 1 year old... totally one sided effort. But formal nothing like before.

I just felt really bad for how she was bullying DH and going no contact was not an option for us..

After few events and a year long ordeal she decided to start responding to our video calls. Before that she would shut the video if baby was there..

My DH always dreamed of seeing his baby around his parents and I saw sadness in his eyes and that was my only motivation to continue. He is a weak man. But he doesn’t deserve this bullying.

I did it for him but I resent the amount of compromise and humiliation We had to endure, for peace. My mum knows the details of how I was ignored and video calls were shut.. only because MIL wasn’t getting her way fully..

It feels like I’m leaking out too much details lol. I know it sounds like I’m painting myself as a victim.

All I’m trying to say is that the situation was really hurtful, rightly or wrongly. And my mum knows how hurt I am.

OP are you & ILs Asian? Because if so, that puts a different lens on it all.

Anyway talking about this is getting me down to be honest. I don’t want to go through the details..

Thanks for those that replied.. I do feel like me typing about it clarified things a little in my head. At least I can put a finger on what it is exactly that I’m feeling... I guess my definition of loyalty is different to my mum and cousin.. I am so deflated at the amount of things and people I lost because of this situation... which in my eyes is about my manipulative MIL completely isolating and controlling me and my marriage.

I’ll figure it out with time.

To those that think I’m reading psychology books and over analysing, yes maybe I am. The situation is way too xomolicated for me and for a long time I suppressed it all.. I was advised on mn to read OutofFog and I found my situation there.. so yes I’m over analysing because I’m still deconstructing the past few years and how to avoid a repeat of situation.

Good night

I'm sorry but you sound abit unhinged