Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What was THIS?? (Possibly triggering)

75 replies

Andanotherthingg · 18/04/2019 16:57

Something that I've hid/tried to forget keeps resurfacing..
I'm not really sure if it falls into a category of abuse or its something I should just get over.
I feel a lot of shame and guilt over this now and idk why it keeps coming back to me.
When I was around 10 my mum married a man in his late 20s.. he quickly became an alcoholic (or maybe always was but hid it before then??) He used to do odd things..
One that is probably pretty minor is he used to pay me 50p to scratch his back for him, apparently he liked the feeling and I would do this when all the family was in the room (so mum, 3 sisters, him and me).
Then he would watch porn with me and my sister's in the room, pretty graffic stuff but I didn't know what to do about this tbh, my mum knew and would tell him not to but he would do it anyway..
Then the 'back scratches' turned into something more.. I vividly remember one time him lying on the bed room floor with an erection with me 'scratching' his chest, his erection came from under the dressing gown that was covering him and he asked "is something popping out there??" I didn't say anything, and the part I feel guilty about is that I was more intrigued than anything, but I guess I was so overly sexualized by then due to all the porn it didn't seem like a big deal. But he was my mum's husband and I feel like I cheated with him on my mum if that makes sense?? It's such an odd feeling.. I was around 11 when this happened.
Last thing that really sticks out. When him and my mum finally broke up I went with him to his new place, he hugged me (stank of alcohol) and started rubbing my back then told me I was "turning him on".
I think I was around 12 by this point and knew it was wrong, I told my mum and older sister and as far as I know my mum confronted him. I came home one day and he was in the kitchen, they were talking and all smiley and he said "you know you can get people into trouble for stuff like that!" But they laughed it off and that was that Confused
I didn't really see him much after at.
He would do other things like come into the bathroom when I was in the bath but nothing more than all this.
What was this?? Was it sexual abuse?? It doesn't seem it but I know now as an adult it was wrong but at the same time I feel like I brought it on myself.. I was fairly close to him even through all of this Confused
Sorry but it keeps going round in my head and I just need to get it out. I dont know why I'm thinking about this now, it was over 20 years ago! Confused

OP posts:
labazsisgoingmad · 18/04/2019 17:01

yes it was abuse a so called adult crossed the lines of decency

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 18/04/2019 17:03

Yes it was sexual abuse

Is your M still married to him?

If you feel able to report him, please do so

DaisyDreaming · 18/04/2019 17:04

Yes it was abuse and being curious is nothing to be ashamed about

Nicknacky · 18/04/2019 17:07

Yes it was sexual abuse and your feelings of confusion are completely normal.

If you don’t mind me asking, do you possibly have children approaching the age that you were when it started? I ask that as I investigate sexual offences and some of our ladies (or obviously men, but most of the time it is female) are more aware of what happened to them when their children approach that age.

Do you feel you could report it?

Original poster
Andanotherthingg · 18/04/2019 17:20

No my dd is 4.5 so much younger.. was it really sexual abuse??

And to a pp, no not still together, they were only together for 2-3 years.

I don't know if I should report him, ive been told I should for something else that happened.. when i was around 11-12 and in his care, him and my sister told me to take an overdose, I was upset because my sister had smashed my head against a wall and I was sick of being used as the family punch bag.. so I threatened to take an over dose and they said I should, so I did.. 30 paracetamol Confused
I spoke to a councillor and mentioned this and she was really concerned but I was too scared to mention the other things. She was say I g I should report him for that as it was negligence.. the hospital didn't really seem concerned at the time so I just put it down to me being silly as that's what everyone else thought.
It was all so long ago though idk if it's all worth dragging up but it keeps coming back to me for some reason.

OP posts:
LouLou789 · 18/04/2019 17:22

A good counsellor can help you work through your feelings about this. It’s definitely abuse.

Nicknacky · 18/04/2019 17:26

Yes it was sexual abuse, hard as that may be to hear.

As for being so long ago, it’s not bar to a conviction. One of my cases went to court a couple of weeks ago and he plead guilty to offences dating back over 50 years.

Reporting it is such a personal decision and you have to weigh up how you would feel if there was insufficient evidence to charge, or if he is charged and convicted etc. You have to do what feels right for you which is why I’m not pushing you to report although obviously I want people to, if that makes sense.

Dyrne · 18/04/2019 17:26

This does sound like a pattern of grooming OP. Flowers It’s completely normal to feel confused over it - please try not to feel guilty as none of this is your fault - you were a child. Abusers are very good at normalising physical contact like that and escalating it gradually.

Do bring it up with your therapist. She can either help you work through it or direct you to more specialist help. It’s completely OK to take this at your own pace as you come to terms with it - please don’t feel like you have to rush forward and report him straight away before you’re ready.

DaisyBD · 18/04/2019 17:26

I'm so sorry this happened to you. As to whether you should drag it up now - well you're not dragging it up, it's there and will probably continue to be there. I'm glad you had a counsellor, I would advise carrying on with counselling/therapy, and thinking (with their help) about what you want to do about it.

I recently reported abuse that happened more than 30 years ago and the police couldn't have been nicer or more helpful, they even came to my house to interview me about it. It wasn't at all scary and I had complete control over what I wanted to happen next.

recrudescence · 18/04/2019 17:31

These sound like very traumatic childhood experiences - I can understand why they are affecting you in the present. Your step father behaved appallingly. I think it would definitely be worth talking about them to a suitably qualified person - especially to deal with the feelings of guilt and responsibility that you really don’t deserve to have.

Original poster
Andanotherthingg · 18/04/2019 17:34

Yeah it was.. I'm nc with my family now and it's much better. I used to get whipped with belts and all sorts it's insane when I look back on it all.
I'm ok most of the time but just occasionally it all comes back. Id just like for it to all go away tbh. It feels like it wasnt even me, its almost like a film or a horrible story someone has told me and this is the memory of that, although I know it's not.

OP posts:
Girlofgold · 18/04/2019 17:34

No question it was abuse. I'm sorry he did that and it was handled so poorly. I would, if I could report.

bridgetreilly · 18/04/2019 17:35

Yes, that was abusive.
No, it was not your fault.
No, you did not bring it on yourself.
OP, there are so many wrong things that man did to you in your post. Please speak to your counsellor. If it's easier, print out this post and give it to her. And please, please consider reporting this man if he's still around. Because it may be 20 years ago for you, but it may be today for some other child he's now got access to.

Petalflowers · 18/04/2019 17:36

Yes,it was abuse. You were a child and he was asking you to do sexual acts.

Bringbackthestripes · 18/04/2019 17:39

but at the same time I feel like I brought it on myself

You absolutely did NOT bring it on yourself. He was grooming you and is a Paedophile and what he did was abuse.. sorry you had to live through that Flowers

urkidding · 18/04/2019 17:39

Do you still see sister and your mum? They seem to be really nasty.

Tinkobell · 18/04/2019 17:40

sounds like you were abused, physically and mentally assaulted OP. You have to decide if you need justice for yourself now in adulthood and also make an assessment as to whether or not someone else out there could also be victims. Your mum sounds terrible btw....what on earth was she thinking???

IHateUncleJamie · 18/04/2019 17:41

Yes, you were abused. I’m so sorry. Flowers

Here’s some info about reporting historic abuse: www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/signs-symptoms-effects/non-recent-abuse/

QueenKubauOfKish · 18/04/2019 17:41

Yes it's abuse, and a pattern of lower-level harassment and inappropriate touching gradually escalating - and him saying things that made you feel responsible. If he'd had the chance it would have escalated further IMO. Grooming works by getting you used to doing things that aren't quite OK but then you feel bad because you went along with it, and the groomer blames you, so you feel shame.

The guilt, shame and the way your mind keeps wanting to return to it and rake over it are all totally normal. Going through it all with a counsellor should really help, and knowing that this is what they do, you're not alone and you feel like this because your head was deliberately messed with.

I really feel for you and can relate as I went through similar. The perpetrator was taken to court many years later and convicted, with me and others giving evidence. It wasn't easy, it was traumatic and dragged a lot of things up for me, so not something you should do lightly, but discuss with a counsellor.

(((hug))) It's not your fault, it was never your fault. He was wrong and you were a child. You didn't bring it on yourself.

Missingstreetlife · 18/04/2019 17:43

Is this memories or flashbacks, which may indicate post traumatic stress?
Yes he was abusing and grooming you under your mothers nose.
Not your fault in any way. Hope your counsellor can help, look at REMT. GP may refer. Rape crisis would help you think about going to police, entirely your decision. I hope he has no contact with other children, likely your sister was also abused.
Be kind to yourself, you are safe now.

SuperSara · 18/04/2019 17:44

Yes it was abusive.

And no, you were not to blame. Nor were you in any way guilty of cheating on your mum.

It was absolutely not your fault in any way.

Flowers
AnnieMay100 · 18/04/2019 17:46

Yes that was abuse and your mum failed you. She didn’t protect you and let him do those sick things. You can still report it now if it will help you come to terms with it. I hope you’re in a better place now.

AnnieMay100 · 18/04/2019 17:47

Sorry that last bit sounded so morbid I’ll rephrase to I hope your life improved from there onwards and you got away from the sickos

LooUpdate · 18/04/2019 17:53

Where is this vile human being now OP?

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 18/04/2019 17:58

You grew up in an abusive household which led you to being vulnerable to being groomed and then sexually abused by your stepfather. That then led to no one helping you after disclosure because you had no (non) abusive or safe adults around you to protect you.

Abuse doesn't matter where on the spectrum of "seriousness" it sits, the damage and ramifications do not discriminate or correlate to acts or scenarios so just because you mind is telling you that it can't be that bad or there was no or others have suffered more absolutely does not mean what happened wasn't abuse or the emotional fallout you have been left with due to it is not real or appropriate. Don't ever let anyone make you feel that your experiences aren't valid.

I'm sorry and but can I say well bloody done for finding the strength to start this thread and for managing to nc with your family.

You sound like a very strong person!