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Original poster

What was THIS?? (Possibly triggering)

75 replies

Andanotherthingg · 18/04/2019 16:57

Something that I've hid/tried to forget keeps resurfacing..
I'm not really sure if it falls into a category of abuse or its something I should just get over.
I feel a lot of shame and guilt over this now and idk why it keeps coming back to me.
When I was around 10 my mum married a man in his late 20s.. he quickly became an alcoholic (or maybe always was but hid it before then??) He used to do odd things..
One that is probably pretty minor is he used to pay me 50p to scratch his back for him, apparently he liked the feeling and I would do this when all the family was in the room (so mum, 3 sisters, him and me).
Then he would watch porn with me and my sister's in the room, pretty graffic stuff but I didn't know what to do about this tbh, my mum knew and would tell him not to but he would do it anyway..
Then the 'back scratches' turned into something more.. I vividly remember one time him lying on the bed room floor with an erection with me 'scratching' his chest, his erection came from under the dressing gown that was covering him and he asked "is something popping out there??" I didn't say anything, and the part I feel guilty about is that I was more intrigued than anything, but I guess I was so overly sexualized by then due to all the porn it didn't seem like a big deal. But he was my mum's husband and I feel like I cheated with him on my mum if that makes sense?? It's such an odd feeling.. I was around 11 when this happened.
Last thing that really sticks out. When him and my mum finally broke up I went with him to his new place, he hugged me (stank of alcohol) and started rubbing my back then told me I was "turning him on".
I think I was around 12 by this point and knew it was wrong, I told my mum and older sister and as far as I know my mum confronted him. I came home one day and he was in the kitchen, they were talking and all smiley and he said "you know you can get people into trouble for stuff like that!" But they laughed it off and that was that Confused
I didn't really see him much after at.
He would do other things like come into the bathroom when I was in the bath but nothing more than all this.
What was this?? Was it sexual abuse?? It doesn't seem it but I know now as an adult it was wrong but at the same time I feel like I brought it on myself.. I was fairly close to him even through all of this Confused
Sorry but it keeps going round in my head and I just need to get it out. I dont know why I'm thinking about this now, it was over 20 years ago! Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Andanotherthingg · 18/04/2019 18:07

Thank you so much for the replies Flowers

Just to answer some questions, I'm nc with all of my family and I have no idea where he is now, although I do remember his name..
I feel very let down by the authorities tbh, I was on the "at risk" register when I was a kid so you'd think being hospitalised due to an over dose would have flagged something up?? When I went into school covered in bruses after being whipped with a belt, my friends urged me to tell a teacher, I did and she laughed Confused she told ss and they contacted my mum (who had done it) but never once asked me, I just slipped through the net but I'm really angry about it.. all my mum's partners used to say she was horrible, why didn't they report?? The neighbours who would have heard me screaming through the walls, where were they? The teachers, social workers. No one did fuck all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Andanotherthingg · 18/04/2019 18:09

Oh sorry, to a pp, I don't know if they're flashbacks. I wouldn't know what they felt like? The memories just sort of pop into my head. Usually when I'm stressed about something like today (hence the post)

OP posts:
wLuytgNx · 18/04/2019 18:12

The flashbacks could be PTSD surfacing as it's something you've not sat down and been able to get off your chest and really analyse. I think speaking with a counsellor would be great, your GP could refer you.

However, about going to the police, this might not feel right and might really make you uncomfortable but all I keep thinking is what if this man is doing the same to anther young girl right now. Him being arrested and questioned might make his current partner think twice and might just protect the people he is around at the moment.

Hugs to you for being so brave and speaking out about it xx

fluorescentorange · 18/04/2019 18:20

I would report him. I was groomed and abused by my BiL from 11-15 and I tried several times to report him but my parents stopped me. He died and I went to pieces, felt cheated of my day confronting him, he was a pervert, bit like your mums partner, nothing too bad but bad enough to still bother me 45 years later.
A counsellor will help but you need to at least confront him and have your say as an adult and not a vulnerable child.

Original poster
Andanotherthingg · 18/04/2019 18:27

This is going to sound so bad but.. I don't really feel angry with him for it. He cared for me within the family, used to take me out and stuff when no one else gave a fuck so I saw him as a good person.. I know he wasn't and it was wrong but my brain hasn't caught up with the facts.
I've only recently started remembering all this though so it might just take time.
I think I should go back and see a councillor about it all tbh..

OP posts:
FoxFoxSierra · 18/04/2019 18:28

That was grooming and sexual abuse and it was absolutely not your fault. Think about how you would feel if a child told you that was happening to them, would you blame them for it or the adults who were supposed to be looking after them? Tell your counsellor if you trust them, if not speak to someone else and consider reporting, there is a lot more awareness of CSA these days so it will be dealt with sensitively. I would also think about making a complaint to social services for the horrible failings that left you in that abusive situation - I'm not sure how you would go about that but I'm sure someone will know

Nicknacky · 18/04/2019 18:29

Again, those feelings are completely normal and obviously I’m no counsellor but it’s such a complex relationship some people have with their abusers.

They can love the person and hate their actions and that can be so so confusing.

You are now looking at what happened to you through adult eyes.

FoxFoxSierra · 18/04/2019 18:30

Sorry I misunderstood and thought you were currently seeing a counsellor. Yes I agree that you should go x

Original poster
Andanotherthingg · 18/04/2019 18:31

I would like to put in a complaint to/about the authorities more than anything.
It wouldn't be too hard to trace it all back so at least it could be proved ya know?
How would i go about this??

OP posts:
fluorescentorange · 18/04/2019 18:32

It doesn’t sound bad at all. I was madly in love with my abuser but I was 11 He was 23😩
You were a young girl and he was probably lovely but a lot of sexual predators are. It’s how they get you to trust them.
Take it all at your own pace, and do talk and keep talking it really does help.x

flapjackfairy · 18/04/2019 18:33

Oh you poor thing. What a thoroughly shit childhood . And you did nothing to deserve any of it . I can't believe what some kids have to endure and yes you were failed all round by all those who should have cared for you.
So v sorry. I hope that you take comfort in your own family unit and that life is kind to you from now on. X

Original poster
Andanotherthingg · 18/04/2019 18:45

Thank you SmileFlowers

OP posts:
Raspberrytruffle · 18/04/2019 18:49

Yes it was sexual abuse! Your mum should of protected you she absolutely failed you as a mother, I'm so sorry op Flowers

HaroldsSocalledBluetits · 18/04/2019 18:54

OP you have done a very brave thing by starting this thread. Where you go from here and at what pace is up to you. Just remember that if you ever feel ready there are people who can help you work through these feelings. You don't have to do this alone.

The feelings that you've described so far are absolutely normal. Of course you're angry that the adults around you didn't keep you safe. And of course you had a genuine attachment to this man and felt curious about what you saw. Do you know how to tell yourself that this is normal? Because he was banking on you having perfectly predictable childish feelings of affection and curiosity. He was expecting that to happen, because that is how children behave. And he also knew that you would have these feelings and get conflicted about them both at the time and into the future. You, OP, behaved like every typical, innocent, non-culpable child would do. He behaved like the paedophile he is.

KM99 · 18/04/2019 18:54

Just like a lot of other people have said, this was abuse and you are not to blame. You were a child and you were failed by the people who were supposed to care for you.

But right now you have the opportunity to give yourself the care that you deserve. Please do talk to a mental health professional if you can, to start unpacking all this nightmare in your head. They can maybe also help you decide if you report this to the police.

Please, please be kind to yourself. Nothing you are thinking right now is "wrong", you are processing trauma.

blackcat86 · 18/04/2019 18:56

100% sexual abuse. The back scratching is weird, the comment about turning him is inappropriate but trying to coax you to comment on his erection is abuse. He should not have had his cock out in front of you and was clearly aroused. In this context the other activities would constitute grooming

Dieu · 18/04/2019 18:57

You did NOTHING wrong; you were the child, and he the adult. Please get some help to get rid of this guilt you've been carrying. It is so undeserved.
I think that as kids, we all had some 'scrapes' with adult men who should have known better. It's only as adults when we look back and think 'holy shit', that we realise how wrong and inappropriate it was.
As children, we really didn't know. You were groomed by this man, and your mother didn't protect you. You were let down big time Thanks Oh, and the curiosity you felt is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of either.

AntiHop · 18/04/2019 19:13

Definitely sexual abuse.

I share your anger about authorites doing nothing. I grew up in an abusive household (not sexual). Plenty of adults knew, including people in authority such a a gp. Nothing was done.

Children are better protected now.

Original poster
Andanotherthingg · 18/04/2019 19:53

Does anyone know why things like this come back when I'm stressed/tired??
I'm ok day to day and have a nice life all considering. It's just when I get stressed out my mind jumps back to all this it's really odd.

OP posts:
QueenKubauOfKish · 18/04/2019 19:57

It may be that not thinking about it, i.e. suppressing it, takes a lot of mental effort though you may not be aware of doing it. When you're stressed or tired, you don't have as much mental energy so the flashbacks or thoughts come up more easily.

I think this means you do need to and want to process it and move on from it - but a counsellor can help you do that bit by bit and in a less upsetting way.

Original poster
Andanotherthingg · 18/04/2019 20:02

Ah ok thanks that makes sense.
Yeah back to counciling is probably the way to go. I'm already on medication which helps a lot but I just want it all dead and buried where it belongs.

Has anyone seen that bit on Harry potter where Dumbledore pulls thoughts out of his head and puts them away into that pool thing?? I wish I could do that Grin life would be so much better.

OP posts:
HaroldsSocalledBluetits · 18/04/2019 20:02

Flashbacks are weird and catch you unawares. Think of it like a cupboard you've stuffed too much in and shut the door on, badly. Sometimes if you knock it, even slightly, stuff falls out. Sometimes you don't have to do anything and things seem to tumble out of their own accord. But whatever "causes" the objects to spill over, what you need to ultimately do is open the cupboard, unpack all the items you've been shoving in haphazardly and organise and manage them properly.

Maybe a bit of a shit cheesy analogy but might be useful to think on?

Original poster
Andanotherthingg · 18/04/2019 20:04

Yeah that really does make sense actually!
Thanks Smile

OP posts:
HaroldsSocalledBluetits · 18/04/2019 20:31

You're welcome. This doesn't mean that you have to deal with it, now, immediately btw. It's just something you've noted and are aware of and can take your time to think of how you'd like to approach it. You are in control of this. You're not in the immediate situation any more and are no longer a powerless young girl so take advantage of that. This is yours to own and tackle as you wish.