What was THIS?? (Possibly triggering)

[Andanotherthingg]

Something that I've hid/tried to forget keeps resurfacing..
I'm not really sure if it falls into a category of abuse or its something I should just get over.
I feel a lot of shame and guilt over this now and idk why it keeps coming back to me.
When I was around 10 my mum married a man in his late 20s.. he quickly became an alcoholic (or maybe always was but hid it before then??) He used to do odd things..
One that is probably pretty minor is he used to pay me 50p to scratch his back for him, apparently he liked the feeling and I would do this when all the family was in the room (so mum, 3 sisters, him and me).
Then he would watch porn with me and my sister's in the room, pretty graffic stuff but I didn't know what to do about this tbh, my mum knew and would tell him not to but he would do it anyway..
Then the 'back scratches' turned into something more.. I vividly remember one time him lying on the bed room floor with an erection with me 'scratching' his chest, his erection came from under the dressing gown that was covering him and he asked "is something popping out there??" I didn't say anything, and the part I feel guilty about is that I was more intrigued than anything, but I guess I was so overly sexualized by then due to all the porn it didn't seem like a big deal. But he was my mum's husband and I feel like I cheated with him on my mum if that makes sense?? It's such an odd feeling.. I was around 11 when this happened.
Last thing that really sticks out. When him and my mum finally broke up I went with him to his new place, he hugged me (stank of alcohol) and started rubbing my back then told me I was "turning him on".
I think I was around 12 by this point and knew it was wrong, I told my mum and older sister and as far as I know my mum confronted him. I came home one day and he was in the kitchen, they were talking and all smiley and he said "you know you can get people into trouble for stuff like that!" But they laughed it off and that was that
I didn't really see him much after at.
He would do other things like come into the bathroom when I was in the bath but nothing more than all this.
What was this?? Was it sexual abuse?? It doesn't seem it but I know now as an adult it was wrong but at the same time I feel like I brought it on myself.. I was fairly close to him even through all of this
Sorry but it keeps going round in my head and I just need to get it out. I dont know why I'm thinking about this now, it was over 20 years ago!

@blackcat86 Not meaning to derail the thread or anything but I often get my daughter to quickly scratch my back! It's nothing but scratching an itch though as I have an itchy back. Is that weird?

@Andanotherthingg Your childhood was similar to mine in several aspects but without the sexual stuff. The belting, the emotional abuse, the being told to kill yourself, the being let down by authorities when crying for help. It still bothers me now, 30 years later. Counselling is most definitely the only way we're ever going to get past abuse. I wish you luck

This was absolutely abuse.

Historic sexual abuse is so hard to prove (evidential issues rather than not being believed). I’ve been there too and the process of the court case etc was more painful than living with the memories. I don’t know but if you do report it understand that if they can’t prosecute or he isn’t convicted it’s because it’s so hard to prove.

Like you I find myself dwelling on it when I’m down.

I’m so sorry you were let down by your family.

He was a pedophile.

When you are ready, talk to your therapist.

You have absolutely zero responsibility for this.

So sorry this happened to you OP. Yes this was grooming and it sounds like it was escalating and would have worsened if he'd had the opportunity. He was an adult and you were a child, you did NOTHING wrong. Counselling is definitely the way to go.

@BingandFlop2019 That is completely different. I would have no issue asking someone (my kids included) to quickly scratch my back if I had an itch. What he did was pay a child to basically run their fingers down his back or chest. It was for pleasure, nothing else. Totally different and totally crossing a line.

The scratching his back, making you watch porn, advancing to you scratching his chest etc...all grooming behaviour.

Showing minors porn is sexual abuse, and also is having to turn him on (through scratching) and I really believe that if your mum did not leave when she did, he would have done worse eventually.

You experienced sexual abuse, op. I am so sorry. You did not cause any of this. Not at all.

He cared for me within the family, used to take me out and stuff when no one else gave a fuck so I saw him as a good person.. I know he wasn't and it was wrong but my brain hasn't caught up with the facts That's because he groomed you to think it was all normal. It's hard turning those memories into what they are, and I urge you to find a good counselor, because the realities in this thread will start to bring things home for you, and the fall can be bloody hard!

@ItsThisOneThing I agree re the scratching. It was started as back scratching in order to normalize hands-on contact with him. To make op think that chest scratching was just a natural step because back scratching seems so normal. In this case it was clearly grooming and he was clearly enjoying it in a sexual way!

Agree with others that his behaviour was grooming - trying to normalize you touching him, seeing his erection, routinely seeing porn - awful.
And, like all abusers, there is confusion created because he sometimes appeared to care for you and do normal things that you craved - all part of the grooming situation though. You also understandably craved the attention as it sounds like your mum and sister were not able to be very nurturing carers for you, so no wonder you feel confusion.
I am glad you have had some counselling, do seek more if you feel you would benefit. Sending big hugs xx

It was abuse but I just wanted to say, please don't feel guilty or ashamed of your feeling of "intrigue". It is normal. I won't go into detail but I was abused on one occasion and was asked "did that feel good". I shrugged my shoulders, though I was scared and like a deer in headlights not understanding what was going on. I shrugged because I didn't honestly didn't know how I felt at the time. I was at a similar age to yourself, where I had heard about sex and sexual touching and knew it was, in my mind "supposed to feel good" and I didn't realise how wrong it was until the shock of what had happened had worn of a little after a few weeks. I felt terrible for even considering for a moment that "maybe I should have liked it because isn't that how it's meant to be?"

It's the most disgusting thing anyone can do to a child. I wish you well in moving on from this

When you are suffering any kind of traa, as you were, being in that trauma stops your thoughts and feelings being processed. They come back disconnected, jumbled and random, but hang around sometimes in the background (when your quiet/down) or jump out randomly in relation to triggers (something similar feeling or related).

One of the hardest parts to 'sort' through is that conflicted feeling you have.

Often,shame, fear, and guilt will hold back processing.

It can take a long time to realise that things like intrigue are a normal part of being an inquisitive learning child. Also having an orgasm can be a normal part of being raped,but again it makes things very complex to unpick

Regardless of other feelings, its the bad feelings that count.

Think long and hard about whether you are safe and secure mentally to go through that experience. If you are not ready for this then you can easily be retraumatised through the process and will then need further counselling and recovery from that.

Take your time, and be very kind and gentle on yourself.

Rape crisis will be able to give you some answers and vital support and understanding.

None of this was your fault, your natural curiosity and reactions do not relate to what he did to you. He manipulated you, and is so very sick. He will have done this to many through his life.

Take good care of you

*trauma

Not that ...*court...whether you are ready to face going through court experience

Thank you everyone.
It's really odd to know now this was abuse and my brain hasn't connected it all yet but at least I know now.
I will process it all and can work on what I want to do next.
All the abuse I ever experienced was/has been made out to be nothing, me making a big deal out of nothing and something I should get over. No one has ever owned anything they did so it's hard when they all denied doing it, it makes me feel crazy and wonder if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill if that makes sense??
But I know that it was a big deal, I'm 33 now and it's still affecting me so how can it not be!?

The perpetrators desperately have to deny and minimise, because they do know how wrong it is. That's another bloody unwanted loveyl gift they give, the massive difference between how it feels and what conflicted messages you get back about it.

Those conflicted messages are so strong that many young girls do grow up with this as their absolute normnormal,but have nowhere to go with their feelings of 'self-digust and loathing'. These are simply disgust and loathing at what's happening to them, turned in on themselves.

What you are feeling, despite how isolating it can feel, is exactly how others feel that have suffered similar.

Do you think part of the reasons it's coming up is because you are now 33 which I assume is a similar age to how old your mother was at the time is happened?

Puts you in a direct comparison, where ultimately and quite rightly you think - what the hell was she doing?! He was clearly a pervert. She should have reacted differently, prospectively

Yeah maybe... but she did all sorts though out my childhood that makes me think "WTF!" Like telling me she was going to slit my throat whilst holding a huge knife because she thought I'd pinched a doughnut being one of them

Sorry I'm.making this into a pity party
Its just really nice to get it out and have some good input and sympathy for once
Even friends I've told don't know what to say, people usually just change the subject if I've ever talked about it and that makes me feel worse, almost embarassed which adds to the shame of it all so I've just learnt to keep it to myself other than the couple of counciling sessions I've had.

Fwiw I didn't steal the doughnut

Bingandflop2019 it's a little weird but in the context of a nice loving home then I would sweat it. In the context of it being your mums bf asking you to do it and paying you, and the other grooming then yeah its weird. I scratch DHs bad because we're partners. I wouldn't be scratching an itch for my dad though!

You've been given lots of good advice OP, just here to give lots of flowers and a huge hug. Please take very good care of you. These people were/ are abusive and do not deserve you xxx

In the real world Iv had that reaction a lot too and except with my closest friends but they are people who Iv met through organisations (m/h or childhood sexual abuse) or who work in mental health or similar so that's not particularly helpful to you sorry

My point is what Iv learned is most (not all because sometimes people are just dicks) are not judging you or even thinking their reaction might cause you distress or shame but your experiences are truth the world is unsafe and they just don't have the capacity to hear it without their own fears materialising so they don't or can't engage. That is their issue not yours. Your history is as valid as anyone else's even if it doesn't (like mine doesn't) fit into the happy flappy joy category!

Thanks

Idk how I feel about it... tbh it's right down on the list of everything I endured at the time so it doesn't feel like such a big deal which I know might sound bad.. it explains why I'm so promiscuous though.
I remember being 15 and giving some random man a bj in a park for a 10a so I could get something to eat that night then following people around hoping they'd let me sleep at their house that night.. They never did so i slept in a grave yard next to where I sang in the Christmas chior the year before.. I just felt safe there for some reason.

That all sounds made up.. I swear it's not. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

It doesn't sound made up, it sounds bloody awful! That poor little girl keep posting if it helps, people here are listening

I eventually went to a police station and told them I had no where to live (mum kicked me out and I didn't want to be there anyway tbh so I just wandered around for a couple of weeks, some nights I got to stay with friends and others I had to find somewhere, so phone box, beach etc.. i remember this being during the summer holidays as I was off school, it gets really cold at night even in the summer which was a surprise to me at the time, I remember stealing a duvet off someones washing line eeeek sorry to whoever that was!)
I spent the night in a back room at the police station (not a cell) and a social worker came to get me in the morning then took me to a kids home, it was in my area so I knew of it, it was known as the naughty kids home, I wasn't naughty though. Far from it. I was scared at first but really grew to love it, the people who worked there were so kind, I wasn't used to adults being that way and really thrived there. I'd love to meet them and tell them all how thankful i am for what they did. I loved it, we got taken out, i made friends, i had a nice room and pocket money! (15 year old me loved that haha ) and most of all I felt safe and valued.
The few years after that weren't plain sailing, I was moved into a b&b at 16 then got my own place at 17, I loved the freedom and not having to be scared or on edge like I was at home but I got in with the wrong crowd and took lots of recreational drugs, basically partied for a decade, most of it was fun bur there were some dark parts, people started dieing, developing mental health problems or going to jail.. it was when I had dd that I changed my life and things are better than ever. I didn't want her to have the life I did, not a smidge.
So I moved away and cut all contact with the old crowd (which was hard and has been loanly but it's for the best) cut all ties with my family and it's just me and dd in the country, I love being a mum to her she's a treasure, I'm holding down a good (although not great paying) job.
Things are good these days but I feel like I can't really enjoy it for what it is 100% because of all the stuff swimming round in my head, some I've caused due to all the parting I did no doubt but also but the damage for all the truma.
I wish it would just go away and let me get on and enjoy my life to the full but it's always just there in the background, colouring my life now and it pisses me off.
I didn't want it and I didn't deserve it.

Definitely abuse. This is how the fuckers do it,they make children feel complicit and guilty. Sounds like you didn’t get a lot of attention and so any can be welcome. Not your fault. The overdose story is sickening too.
Its up to you if you feel strong enough to report it. I do know that the Police have got much better procedures in place for historic abusethan they used to have.This doesn’t sound like it was many years ago, so this charmer May be abusing children still. Not trying to make you feel responsible, but after your childhood you may not have great self esteem, and may not think you deserve the Police time.
I am really glad you are getting some counselling.
You deserved better than this. Sounds like you are making damned sure your dd gets better.