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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

16 yr old daughter won’t come home 😔

45 replies

CycleCUBA2008 · 18/04/2019 12:59

My DD2 only turned 16 last month and is about to sit her GCSES. 3 weeks ago nearly it was agreed that she would stay at my other DD1 (who is 25 married with 3 kids) to revise as she has a conservatory so can spread out there and focus. Which was great but now she doesn’t want to come home! At home it is just the 2 of us so she has her own room etc. But we don’t have a separate space. And she was getting into a bad habit of coming home going upstairs and watching tv so could not motivate herself to revise in her room so I can completely understand that part of it. It’s just now I am feeling like I’ve completely lost any parental control as it was only supposed to be a few days. I do not want to push things as her exams start in 3 weeks so will probably just let things ride until the exams are done with then focus on rebuilding our relationship.. at least she is with my other daughter who I am very close with

OP posts:

Newyearnewme2019 · 18/04/2019 13:04

Just check with your older DD that the youngest is actually doing revision, isn't in the way and behaving.

If I was you i would probably pop round in the week one evening, be in regular contact on the phone/text (just after school when she's likely to NOT be revising) and ask that at least on a Saturday or Sunday she visits for dinner and to giver her sister to alone time too

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 18/04/2019 13:04

I just cannot believe living with 5 other people 3 of whom are under 10 makes focusing / revising easier

Have you spoken to your other daughter...?

Something more fundamental is going on....
Have you spoken to your older daughter about this?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 18/04/2019 13:05

Sorry I didn’t mean to repeat myself

Chickychoccyegg · 18/04/2019 13:08

sounds extremely unlikely that its easier to revise in a house with 3dc, rather than a quiet house with no small dc, is something else going on? whats your relationship usually like?

mcmen71 · 18/04/2019 13:09

That is sad for you. I can't understand why she thinks she could do more study with 5 in the house than just you and her.
There must be another reason like having no chores or more socialising time at her sisters.

Your other dd should tell her she needs the space back after the exams but she is welcome to come around and visit whenever she wants.

Claw01 · 18/04/2019 13:10

Have you spoken to her about why she doesn’t want to come home?

FriarTuck · 18/04/2019 13:11

sounds extremely unlikely that its easier to revise in a house with 3dc, rather than a quiet house with no small dc
This ^^. She has her own room at home. I don't get it.

SoHotADragonRetired · 18/04/2019 13:14

What does your older DD say?

Was she happy at home previously?

Do you live with her father? Or does she have a stepfather?

Is she seeing anyone? Does she have friends you don't like her seeing?

I doubt this is about studying. Either she wasn't happy at home or this situation enables her to do something she wasn't as able to do at home, like see friends/a BF or GF/do stuff you didn't want her doing.

CupOhTea · 18/04/2019 13:15

I agree with pps that this doesn’t sound right... There must be something else going on. Can you think of any other reason she’d want to stay with your other dd?

My younger sister used to come to me sometimes when she was stressed out and needed a break. It could be that? Not that you are stressing her out but sometimes you want to be around your siblings when you’re stressed. Also when my sister came I had no dcs so I could look after her a bit. Now she does not find my house stress free! Is it a big house with spare room etc? My sister doesn’t like coming to us now that she has to sleep on an air bed in the living room...

Original poster

CycleCUBA2008 · 18/04/2019 13:18

Our relationship has always been really good. I've supported her through a tough year with school issues and arranged extra support there.
We fell out over a boyfriend which is largely why as I could see he was playing her and being quite controlling and of course she didn't like me bad mouthing him as she was besotted.

I personally think in the aftermath of their break up that being at my DD1 is a distraction. She is revising and even attended revision sessions through the holidays so in that respect it has been good.

She is angry with me as after he broke up with her he wanted her to go there for a 'chat' .. I messaged his mum asking her not to agree to giving her a lift home. She replied she wasn't aware she was going there anyway and would prefer they stay away from each other until they can just be friends. She was clearly aware he was a bit of a player

OP posts:

blackcat86 · 18/04/2019 13:18

I think that you need to chat to older DD and see if she can shed light on the situation and check is she is happy for it to continue. She has her own family life and her sister may help, hinder or be completely neutral to it but you won't know until you talk to her. Is your DD actually revising? I would ask her to show you her revision plan. It does seem that there is more going on for her than use of a conservatory

SoHotADragonRetired · 18/04/2019 13:20

We fell out over a boyfriend which is largely why as I could see he was playing her and being quite controlling and of course she didn't like me bad mouthing him as she was besotted

AHA.
Tbh, my first thought on reading your OP was "cherchez l'homme". I will bet my boots he's back in the picture, whether they are formally "back together" or not, and the main advantage of living there is that her sister is too busy and hands-off to notice or be involved.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 18/04/2019 13:20

Instead of removing the tv from her bedroom you allowed her to go and live in a house with three children underfoot?

This is about something else.

Claw01 · 18/04/2019 13:21

She is seeing the ex boyfriend while at your others dd’s is she?

Claw01 · 18/04/2019 13:21

isnt not is!

sonjadog · 18/04/2019 13:23

I would talk to your older daughter and see what she thinks and if she is happy to have her there for three weeks. It might just be that it is easier to focus and not think about him there than it is at home at the moment.

Birdie6 · 18/04/2019 13:24

She is angry with me as after he broke up with her he wanted her to go there for a 'chat

I'd say that the answer is right there - you say she was besotted, and that you badmouthed him, talked to his mother about them, etc.

She couldn't see him while she was with you .... it doesn't take a genius to work out that she is either seeing him or is talking to him at your DD1's place. '

Original poster

CycleCUBA2008 · 18/04/2019 13:26

I could have removed the tv and laptop and phone and then what? She was becoming depressed and think spending time with her sister, nephew and nieces is actually helping. And my older daughter does not mind and is keeping me updated. She was a minx at that age too so she can relate to the raging hormones and stress at that age.

The ex is still the ex so not an issue. We all have the find friends on iPhone which allows me to see where she is and vice versa so I know she is where she says she is

OP posts:

sonjadog · 18/04/2019 13:29

It sounds like the best thing you can do at the moment is just let her be there. When she gets more distance from the break up, she will probably be a lot less angry with you too.

SoHotADragonRetired · 18/04/2019 13:30

I could have removed the tv and laptop and phone and then what?

Well, then she would probably have got some studying done...?

You could have given the phone back once she'd done a decent stint each evening.

And she could be seeing him or talking to him easily enough without being stopped by a poxy "find friends". She's not going to tell you anything about him any more.

CupOhTea · 18/04/2019 13:31

Yeah, I’d also leave her to it. Sounds like she’s happy there and if your other dd doesn’t mind 🤷‍♀️. Hopefully she’ll get a bit of a break from everything, focus on her exams and then can come home a bit more relaxed. Break up and exams with mum “interfering” (as she might see it) might have all been a bit too much at once.

Mitzimaybe · 18/04/2019 13:32

I think you are doing the right thing in not pushing her to return. Keep checking in with DD1 to make sure everything is OK, and reassure DD2 that you support her and want the best for her. It's so hard for you but I think you're handling it OK.

Claw01 · 18/04/2019 13:33

The ex is still the ex so not an issue. We all have the find friends on iPhone which allows me to see where she is and vice versa so I know she is where she says she is

As both you and his parents disapprove, could he be going there?

Justaboy · 18/04/2019 13:33

We fell out over a boyfriend which is largely why as I could see he was playing her and being quite controlling and of course she didn't like me bad mouthing him as she was besotted.

Ah! you won't be the only one with that propblem, had that happen here with some upset and shenniganis I can tell you but remain on her side and in due course she'll see some sense past expreance indicates this.

Always happens when important exams are in the offing;!

BiscuitDrama · 18/04/2019 13:36

Even though all have the find friends on iPhone which allows me to see where she is and vice versa so I know she is where she says she is
It would be easy enough for her to leave her phone at your DD1’s house and then meet him.

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