Washing machine holiday drama AIBU? Or does my DM resent us paying for her to come on holiday to 'look after' DC's?

[Elsaor3lse]

DM has low income and DB's family and ours have shared the cost of her coming on snow holiday to join the fun and provide childcare in the afternoons. This arrangement has been in place for 6 years, I'm wondering if perhaps she's over it and we should all move on to another arrangement?

Washing machine drama is an indicator of tensions....

Washing machine incident 1: DSIL says she will leave some bits of laundry in machine so I can add to mine and put on to wash. Busy morning getting kids out for activities and DD to doctors for what was diognosed as a 'small pneumonia' (2 sleepless nights) before leaving I shoved washing in machine on top of some clothes, set to wash. At lunch DM asks if I know what is in machine as it turns out I was her things in there and DSIL did not leave her things in there after all (she's not usually flakey and would expect she'd do this if said she would), it was DM's swimming things, so they got washed again. I thought this a minor drama, but didn't feel it was my fault, or oversight, as who would expect me to check dirty laundry in a machine? (Aibu#1?). DSIL didn't do what she said she would do, and no harm came to DM's clothing or towel, she didn't want to swim that eve, minor inconvenience in having to re-dry.

Arrive home later and discover DM has 'helpfully' put entire load to tumble dry, including clothes that were creased beyond ironing rescue, and a movie t-shirt of DS's that had silver details on it before being roasted in the tumble dryer. DM made comment that her Son-IL (my DS's DH), has badly tumble dried her things in the past and it's ruined her clothes. She's not a novice tumble drier ffs. I was so cross and tired I couldn't speak and just got on with resolving issue. Apologised later to DM for being so cross and she said she hadn't realised I was cross!

Washing incident number 2: Cpl of days later I put another load on in the morning, met DM for afternoon and arrive home together early eve, Mum offers to make a cup of tea. Find my wet laundry in pile on bathroom floor by the washing machine and DM's swimming towels drying nicely. Ask if she know what's happened and she says she was drying her towels and didn't know how I wanted my laundry drying. AIBU to think that leaving another persons wet laundry on the floor is bad practice? /rude? I suggested she shouldn't have left it in the floor as the floor is dirty, she said I was making a fuss.

Drama arises as DSIL comes into bathroom as I'm sorting wet laundry and I tell her what happened and comment "I can have it one way or the other but not they way I'd actually like it"

I didn't know at the time that there was an air vent in the bathroom between the kitchen (DM making tea) and the bathroom (where I said the above to DSIL), my tone was def jovial, rather that cross. When I return to the kitchen/dining area, DSIL offers me cup of tea, DM has left one on the table and I ask, "Oh I think DM made one for me, is this it Mum?" She replies " Oh I didn't make one for you as I'd only get it wrong" ... since DD had milk allergy I have taken almond milk in tea whilst BFing.

AIBU to think my DM doesn't actually want to help me?

I then tidied kitchen and baked cake whilst DM sat talking to my DS, ignoring all 3 children, DD falls and smashes face on chair, my Mum guilt ensues, as if I wanted help looking after children I should have asked specifically for this.

AIBU to think DM is over this arrangement? DM didn't do much with DD in the afternoons, only mentioning that she'd put movies on for her and didn't bake with her, or touch the art stuff I brought ( which DD loves, and DM professes to love). Older 2 kids now ski in the afternoons, so just DD for Grandma care in the afternoons. I remember DM taking the boys out sledging in the afternoons when they were younger. Perhaps that's the issue I should talk to her about and the washing drama was an expression of the tensions?

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far!

Is she your mother or the hired help.

Get an au pair or mother's help and pay for someone to do all the drudgery.

I'm surprised she's put up with this sort of treatment for six years. Bloody disgusting way to treat your mother, or any other family member for that matter.

How about you get together with sibling(s) and send her on a proper holiday, one with no childcare and where she'll be nicely pampered and rested? Then, when she's had a really good rest, you could take her on your snow holiday where she's back in the saddle?

Of course, you could always talk to her, and find out if she minds being your free childcare person, or whether she's a bit older and gets tired more easily or is ill....

OP's DM on holiday

Sorry - picture didn't load!

Third time lucky?

We only ever get the OP's view on AIBU, so have to go by what OP tells us.

Indeed we do, and what I said is based on what the OP said about herself. She turned her own "mum -guilt" into blaming her mother for DD's fall when three adults were all in the room together with DD and all three were distracted. No real reason to blame anyone.

Yes, if her mother was here we could suggest she is less passive and more assertive, but from what the OP says the OP owes her mother and she can put some of those things right no matter what her mother is like. It's still not right to take advantage even if her mother snipes and wont speak out.

sounds like your getting the brunt of her having been treated as a skivvy by the rest of the family for years...
and yes it looks like your DD is not going to get the same treatment as the elder cousins/siblings ...that maybe age or pissed offness who knows ....I would suggest different holidays and also just talking to your mum maybe with your siblings sorting out a decent holiday for her..
(although I think the ones she provides free childcare for should be the main provider of that!)
you may have just followed along with your family norm but now you've realised its not right/shes not happy doesnt mean you have to continue...

@averythinline

Completely agree with you. Be prepared to be called a sock puppet for the OP, though. [grin[

sounds like your getting the brunt of her having been treated as a skivvy by the rest of the family for years...

I agree with that and hopefully the OP realises that too and will start changing the situation.

Feel like crowdfunding for OP's DM to have a proper holiday right now.

The poor woman has come away to spend time with other parts of her family and grand children and shes just the hired help, and damn cheaper than an au pair.

OP you should be ashamed

‘Where are the men?’
Oh, oh, me. I know the answer to this question.
They are doing their Alpha Male manly thing, after having earned the vast sums of cash required to ski in the school holidays.
They are skiing, competing, swaggering and gently bragging at and with each other. They are having a wonderful time and are barely aware of anything that their collective wimminandsprogs are getting up to during the day, waiting on drinkies and food cooked by others in the evenings.
When they return to work, the conversations will be about them and their skiing. Times, skills and number of things they achieved on the slopes.

DM has low income and DB's family and ours have shared the cost of her coming on snow holiday to join the fun and provide childcare in the afternoons
Ski holidays are boring as shit unless you're interested in learning or know how to ski - and your mum doesn't.
None of you are even around enough to do any proper adult activities together with the mum you 'don't see as much'.....so exactly what 'fun' is she meant to enjoy with you?
You all EXPECT her to provide you with childcare in the afternoons - so the rest of you can go out and have adult fun without having to think about your children.

Admit it - the lot of you are basically using her for free childcare and also expect her to skivvy after you all.
Paying for her 'holiday' is your way of being manipulative and guilt tripping her if she complains.

If she wants to spend her holiday time sitting about relaxing or playing on her phone because there's fuck all else for to really do on the ski resort then she can.
Just because you 'paid' for her doesn't mean she owes you!

I'm not surprised she sees more of her other kids than you two.

OP you've had some harsh responses here but I do hope they have made you think about how you treat your DM. How much time are you actually spending with her? It does sound like she is hired help- I feel for your DM - how many sacrifices has she made so you can afford these holidays?

I've paid for my DM to come on holiday with me and DD a couple of times. I've paid for her, and we have spent 80% of the time together. Sometimes she would go for a swim after I put DD to bed, so I would stay in the room with DD. My DM might sometimes say she was going around the shops and wanted to take DD by herself. That's normal - it should be her holiday too, a time to spend with her DC and DGC not expected to do anything!!

I feel really sad for your DM, gets a paid holiday and spend it alone or with a young child! Don't you think she would enjoy some adult company? Why can't you all spend afternoons together?

And I'm sorry but you really do sound entitled and self-absorbed. To say you spent an afternoon with her even though your DB didn't? So what? It's not a competition in who can treat your DM the worst! Why don't you lead by example, do nice things with your DM? If my Dsis took advantage of my DM that wouldn't stop me from continuing to treat my DM well.

Maybe the passiveness is due to depression, or not wanting to start a row which would create a very unpleasant atmosphere for the rest of the holiday? The DM is probably counting the days until she is home.

I too would love to know why the ‘D’Ps seem not to get much of a mention in the OP’s posts.

My DM often comes on holiday with us but not as a glorified au pair, how depressing

How gracious of you to pay for her holiday in return for childcare year after year! I'd be sick of it. Your poor mum. If I had the money, which you all evidently do, I'd have paid for her anyway!

God awful behaviour and attitude to your mother. I hope you are a troll

How much time to any of you spend with your mother (all year round) when she is not looking after her grandchildren? If the only time she sees any of you is when she is providing childcare, then she may be agreeing to this because otherwise she would feel completely cut off.
It's a wonderful thing to spend time with grandchildren, but I'm sure it's less wonderful when it's clearly all about the childcare. Not to mention how hurtful it must be to know that your children only want to know you when they want you to babysit.
I'm not saying that she wasn't being passive-aggressive, but by that stage I'd have dumped the passive part and been full-on aggressive!

This is horrible. Your poor mum. The whole thing reads as if you (all the adults) don't value her at all. The swipe at her being a low earner is particularly grim.

It made me think of Miss Bates in Emma.

“Low-income” got me
It sounds like you think she should be SO grateful you are designing to pay for her holiday that you can treat her how you like

I would be completely over the holiday if I were her.
Why not just take her on holiday for a treat instead of expecting her to practically be staff then making a drama out of everything?!

I spent one afternoon with DM to go for a snow walk with her and DD and stayed an hour one afternoon when DD was sad

This can't be real? You spent one hour with your sad daughter? (Probably missing her mother) and one afternoon with your servant/mother???

Are you the queen?

Wow you lot can be harsh, but thank you for your views, I was really not seeing the bigger picture on DM as feeling sorry for self. I was pretty exhausted from DD’s illness early in the week and I was also ill myself.

Def didn’t check in with DM enough on whether she was happy with the arrangements and should have encouraged others to spend time with DM socially. I did prioritise this on last trip, but think it was more obvious to me as DM was caring for more DC’s. Last week she seemed quite happy to read in cafes and go to the Spa in the mornings, which did seem like my idea of heaven.

To answer some q’s:

MIL does not have a tumble dryer and lives in an apartment so drying laundry not ideal - plus she doesn’t let us do the laundry so then that would be me expecting her to do it.

This is the third snow holiday I’ve been on with DB, DM and family on this arrangement, DB has been for each of the 6 years. We can’t afford to go every year, it is a big expense for us. DB also takes DM on summer hols in UK, sometimes with DNieces. We don’t usually go on summer hol as visit MIL overseas.
We are going on summer hol with DM later in the year with no childcare request!

I do invite DM to do things other than babysitting.

Last week we all met for lunch each day, then took DD for a little ski. DM then had DD from 2:00 to 5:15 in the afternoon, for 4 days of 7 day stay. One of those was minus the 1hr I stayed when DD was sad, this was because DM had taken a bubble to a different part of the resort and we had to ski with DD down some pretty steep stuff, and DD cried all the way down. Rest of party keen to drop and go (as every minute of non-skiing time viewed as failure). Had long discussion with DH this afternoon and he feels I should have been dropping DD with DM as that was the arrangement. Def need to challenge this point with whole party, DB is a bit obsessed and arrives 1 day early and leaves 1 day later than accommodation to max snow time.

Feeling it is a factor DM feels she wants to help DB and I as DM provides childcare for DG’s she lives nearby, think a lot of time on phone during hol is communicating with DS’s, DNieces and Nephews at home and mentioned she feels sad she’s can’t bring them too. DSisters who are parents of DN’s are quite a lot younger than DB and I. I couldn’t afford to go skiing until late 20’s and they are not that old yet and they haven’t shown an interest in such a hol yet.

Will speak with DM face to face and apologise for lack of understanding and communication. Thanks again for all the help, this morning I did not know what to do.
Peace out

Perhaps your DM only has a low income because she is enabling all of her children to have careers whilstnproviding limitless childcare for you all. Next year pick another type of holiday which doesn't make your DD and your DM sad, which everyone can enjoy. It all sounds like a lot of hard work and not very relaxing to me.

Well done for taking the advice on board and that you are going to speak to your DM. We all get overwhelmed some times and take it out on the wrong people or manifest problems in the wrong way. Your DM sounds lovely and maybe a bit of pampering to show she isn’t taken for granted will go a long way.