Washing machine holiday drama AIBU? Or does my DM resent us paying for her to come on holiday to 'look after' DC's?

[Elsaor3lse]

DM has low income and DB's family and ours have shared the cost of her coming on snow holiday to join the fun and provide childcare in the afternoons. This arrangement has been in place for 6 years, I'm wondering if perhaps she's over it and we should all move on to another arrangement?

Washing machine drama is an indicator of tensions....

Washing machine incident 1: DSIL says she will leave some bits of laundry in machine so I can add to mine and put on to wash. Busy morning getting kids out for activities and DD to doctors for what was diognosed as a 'small pneumonia' (2 sleepless nights) before leaving I shoved washing in machine on top of some clothes, set to wash. At lunch DM asks if I know what is in machine as it turns out I was her things in there and DSIL did not leave her things in there after all (she's not usually flakey and would expect she'd do this if said she would), it was DM's swimming things, so they got washed again. I thought this a minor drama, but didn't feel it was my fault, or oversight, as who would expect me to check dirty laundry in a machine? (Aibu#1?). DSIL didn't do what she said she would do, and no harm came to DM's clothing or towel, she didn't want to swim that eve, minor inconvenience in having to re-dry.

Arrive home later and discover DM has 'helpfully' put entire load to tumble dry, including clothes that were creased beyond ironing rescue, and a movie t-shirt of DS's that had silver details on it before being roasted in the tumble dryer. DM made comment that her Son-IL (my DS's DH), has badly tumble dried her things in the past and it's ruined her clothes. She's not a novice tumble drier ffs. I was so cross and tired I couldn't speak and just got on with resolving issue. Apologised later to DM for being so cross and she said she hadn't realised I was cross!

Washing incident number 2: Cpl of days later I put another load on in the morning, met DM for afternoon and arrive home together early eve, Mum offers to make a cup of tea. Find my wet laundry in pile on bathroom floor by the washing machine and DM's swimming towels drying nicely. Ask if she know what's happened and she says she was drying her towels and didn't know how I wanted my laundry drying. AIBU to think that leaving another persons wet laundry on the floor is bad practice? /rude? I suggested she shouldn't have left it in the floor as the floor is dirty, she said I was making a fuss.

Drama arises as DSIL comes into bathroom as I'm sorting wet laundry and I tell her what happened and comment "I can have it one way or the other but not they way I'd actually like it"

I didn't know at the time that there was an air vent in the bathroom between the kitchen (DM making tea) and the bathroom (where I said the above to DSIL), my tone was def jovial, rather that cross. When I return to the kitchen/dining area, DSIL offers me cup of tea, DM has left one on the table and I ask, "Oh I think DM made one for me, is this it Mum?" She replies " Oh I didn't make one for you as I'd only get it wrong" ... since DD had milk allergy I have taken almond milk in tea whilst BFing.

AIBU to think my DM doesn't actually want to help me?

I then tidied kitchen and baked cake whilst DM sat talking to my DS, ignoring all 3 children, DD falls and smashes face on chair, my Mum guilt ensues, as if I wanted help looking after children I should have asked specifically for this.

AIBU to think DM is over this arrangement? DM didn't do much with DD in the afternoons, only mentioning that she'd put movies on for her and didn't bake with her, or touch the art stuff I brought ( which DD loves, and DM professes to love). Older 2 kids now ski in the afternoons, so just DD for Grandma care in the afternoons. I remember DM taking the boys out sledging in the afternoons when they were younger. Perhaps that's the issue I should talk to her about and the washing drama was an expression of the tensions?

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far!

It doesn’t sound much fun for any of you. Organise your own holidays, and do less washing is my advice!

Oh and if you want childcare while on holiday, either book your kids into club type arrangements or hire an au pair. You need to pay for it properly not feel you’re doing a ‘poor relation’ some big favour

So your DM raised you, loved you, supported you to the best of her ability, but now she's only good enough for you to take on holidays that she can't afford if she's the childminder?

Not really much of a holiday for her, is it?

I imagine she loves you all and wants to spend time with her family, and you've offered her the role of servant if she wants to spend some holiday time with her ... that's how it comes across. Not nice.

We go on holiday with my DH's parents sometimes, including ski. They're there to spend time with their grandchildren, not babysit them. That's our job.

Thanks all, really helpful as I kind of (happily) fell into this arrangement that was set up by DB. Having DM has made it poss for us to holiday in this, and on reflection I don't think we gave her enough attention or expressed our appreciation enough at the start of the Hol. I was pretty absorbed in DD having a fever and cough that turned out to be a small pneumonia.

DM has so far always said she's happy to come along and enjoy the scenery, the spa, the catering, and to get to spend time with her DGC's.

Last year DM did this for 2 of DB's friends kids and had 3 little ones in the mornings, I guess we didn't put too much thought into the structure of the afternoons (other than providing resources).

Def not treated as a skivvy, did not and was not asked to dress children, give them breakfast, apply sun cream, help with bath time, bedtime or dinner time.

DB and family took no time out to spend with DM during the day.
I spent one afternoon with DM to go for a snow walk with her and DD and stayed an hour one afternoon when DD was sad, and DM spent whole time on her phone. Perhaps it is that there's a bigger issue with my relationship with my Mum, as it seems she's been happy to do this for others, but not for me.

It's the same when she comes to visit, she brings my nieces for as sleepover and I have to ask for every bit of help. She's Sixty one.

Def not looking for a way to stop taking her Penguincake, spoke to her ask if she's thought about taking lessons, and suggested that she'd enjoy skiiing at the children's pace - she broke a rib doing to the adult louge run a few years ago.

I was the only person that took DD sledging Incrediblysadtoo, perhaps I need to take that up with DH!

sounds like your dm is definitely over these holidays now, not that it actually sounds like a holiday for her at all, sounds like you all use her for cheap childcare, after all the cost of dms holiday is less than you would pay for other live in childcare, you sound selfish and it sounds like a shit holiday for your dm

It sounds odd to me, and my mum did a lot of childcare for us.
She seems to be a second-class member of her own family. You seem wealthy, entitled and arrogant.
I’d have a talk, heavy on the gratitude for all she’s done, and consider employing a teenager/student/au pair next time.

DB and family took no time out to spend with DM during the day. I spent one afternoon with DM to go for a snow walk with her and DD and stayed an hour one afternoon when DD was sad, and DM spent whole time on her phone

Sounds like a great time for your mum! Ignored by the adults, how lovely you spent one afternoon with your mother. She is on her phone as shes bored.

Again you make it all about you Perhaps it is that there's a bigger issue with my relationship with my Mum, as it seems she's been happy to do this for others, but not for me.

Get over yourself. How rude and entitled can you be?

I spent one afternoon with DM to go for a snow walk with her and DD and stayed an hour one afternoon when DD was sad

how lucky your DM & DD are to have you do this

I’m almost the same age as your mother. I’ve found that if people are on their phones a lot, it’s usually because the situation or the company is lacking.

As you mum ruined one lot of washing by drying it she didn't want to risk it again. If she left it in the ashing machine it would stink. If there wasn't a basket then a bathroom floor should be clean enough to put wet clothes on. You were being PA in commenting about your washing again!

You take your Mum to be your unpaid skivvy and then complain about her work. Hire a proper maid next time!

Why don't you ask your DM, instead of asking random strangers on the internet who don't know your DM or you or anything about your family dynamic?

Am I the only one who thinks this may be a cynical ploy on your part? Perhaps DD will be old enough to ski next year, so you won't need the afternoon childcare, so you can dress it up as "DM is over it" instead of "We don't need you any more, so you can kiss bye bye to your free holidays."

The washing machine incidents are totally pathetic and not worth getting het up over. When she took the boys sledging, not only were they younger, but she was younger too. Maybe she doesn't feel up to sledging these days?

Just speak to your DM about it calmly and listen properly to what she has to say, then make a joint decision about next time.

So you could only be bothered to spend one afternoon with her? No wonder she pretty much ignored you - how utterly rude and entitled.

Doing the laundry as heading to stay with MIL nearby afterwards and don't want to arrive with lots of laundry.

Taking the point that could be taking her for granted if she's not enjoying her side of the deal.

Especially as all our judgement could be clouded by DM living with another's of my sisters and providing child are for my DNephew for years and doing to school run for DNephew and DNieces every week. DM has 5 children and the DB and I that DM comes skiiing with don't see her as often.

So she gets time off childcare from one set of DGCs so that she can spend time caring for another set.

Thanks MNers, you have been enlightening.
And now I must stop ignoring my children, and go and play.
Peace and love xxxx

How many hours a day childcare has she been providing, and for how many DC?

Does your DM ever get a proper holiday? It's nice to spend time with family without having to actually care for them

Send her somewhere she would actually like to go!!! By herself.

Stop trying to make her ski.

She was on her phone because she was relieved to not have to be watching your daughter the entire time.

It sounds CRAP for everyone but you & your "hubby".

Next time get a teenager to come with you. Stop pretending you are doing your mum a favour.

I would be incredibly hurt by your attitude.

Your poor mom, you speak about her like she's the hired help. You're responsible for your own kids

If I was your mum I'd have told you to fuck off ages ago.

This. It’s like you read my mind.

Doing the laundry as heading to stay with MIL nearby afterwards and don't want to arrive with lots of laundry.

So it's okay to lumber your mum with the laundry, but not to do it at MIL's?

The more you post, OP, the more you reveal a thoroughly entitled attitude. You seem to lack self awareness and display a great deal of self absorption.

You are using your DM and yet you blame her for apparently resenting you.

Your poor mother

God reading your last post your mum's life sounds exhausting. And I am half her age. I feel really sad and sorry for her.

When your DC are older, will you still take DM on holiday? Or will you stop when her usefulnesss for childcare stops?

She might be realising that she’s been doing childcare for 6+ years now and forseeing that you and your DB won’t bother with her when she’s no longer useful to you.

She’s your mum, not your au pair / skivvy.

Why don’t you go on a family holiday where you can all spend time together rather than needing childcare while others are skiing?

Poor dm. You say you want to spend time with her yet you leave her in the morning and she babysits in afternoon, while presumably you are out skiing. And you want her to do chores.