Washing machine holiday drama AIBU? Or does my DM resent us paying for her to come on holiday to 'look after' DC's?

[Elsaor3lse]

DM has low income and DB's family and ours have shared the cost of her coming on snow holiday to join the fun and provide childcare in the afternoons. This arrangement has been in place for 6 years, I'm wondering if perhaps she's over it and we should all move on to another arrangement?

Washing machine drama is an indicator of tensions....

Washing machine incident 1: DSIL says she will leave some bits of laundry in machine so I can add to mine and put on to wash. Busy morning getting kids out for activities and DD to doctors for what was diognosed as a 'small pneumonia' (2 sleepless nights) before leaving I shoved washing in machine on top of some clothes, set to wash. At lunch DM asks if I know what is in machine as it turns out I was her things in there and DSIL did not leave her things in there after all (she's not usually flakey and would expect she'd do this if said she would), it was DM's swimming things, so they got washed again. I thought this a minor drama, but didn't feel it was my fault, or oversight, as who would expect me to check dirty laundry in a machine? (Aibu#1?). DSIL didn't do what she said she would do, and no harm came to DM's clothing or towel, she didn't want to swim that eve, minor inconvenience in having to re-dry.

Arrive home later and discover DM has 'helpfully' put entire load to tumble dry, including clothes that were creased beyond ironing rescue, and a movie t-shirt of DS's that had silver details on it before being roasted in the tumble dryer. DM made comment that her Son-IL (my DS's DH), has badly tumble dried her things in the past and it's ruined her clothes. She's not a novice tumble drier ffs. I was so cross and tired I couldn't speak and just got on with resolving issue. Apologised later to DM for being so cross and she said she hadn't realised I was cross!

Washing incident number 2: Cpl of days later I put another load on in the morning, met DM for afternoon and arrive home together early eve, Mum offers to make a cup of tea. Find my wet laundry in pile on bathroom floor by the washing machine and DM's swimming towels drying nicely. Ask if she know what's happened and she says she was drying her towels and didn't know how I wanted my laundry drying. AIBU to think that leaving another persons wet laundry on the floor is bad practice? /rude? I suggested she shouldn't have left it in the floor as the floor is dirty, she said I was making a fuss.

Drama arises as DSIL comes into bathroom as I'm sorting wet laundry and I tell her what happened and comment "I can have it one way or the other but not they way I'd actually like it"

I didn't know at the time that there was an air vent in the bathroom between the kitchen (DM making tea) and the bathroom (where I said the above to DSIL), my tone was def jovial, rather that cross. When I return to the kitchen/dining area, DSIL offers me cup of tea, DM has left one on the table and I ask, "Oh I think DM made one for me, is this it Mum?" She replies " Oh I didn't make one for you as I'd only get it wrong" ... since DD had milk allergy I have taken almond milk in tea whilst BFing.

AIBU to think my DM doesn't actually want to help me?

I then tidied kitchen and baked cake whilst DM sat talking to my DS, ignoring all 3 children, DD falls and smashes face on chair, my Mum guilt ensues, as if I wanted help looking after children I should have asked specifically for this.

AIBU to think DM is over this arrangement? DM didn't do much with DD in the afternoons, only mentioning that she'd put movies on for her and didn't bake with her, or touch the art stuff I brought ( which DD loves, and DM professes to love). Older 2 kids now ski in the afternoons, so just DD for Grandma care in the afternoons. I remember DM taking the boys out sledging in the afternoons when they were younger. Perhaps that's the issue I should talk to her about and the washing drama was an expression of the tensions?

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far!

[AryaStarkWolf]

Arya, troll hunting is against the rules. If you have an issue with me, take it up with MNHQ

[LaurieMarlow]

SP means same poster different usernames

[HiHoToffee]

Well as DM was talking to DS at the time of the incident, DS also 'let' DD fall on her face.
But somehow only DM is to blame

[Springwalk]

Are you actually for real?
Your poor mother!
Selfish entitled family using her as a 257 unpaid nanny/housekeeper. She is a second class citizen in her own family, and whilst everyone else gets to have fun and enjoy themselves she gets to have a walk. Lucky her.

I would have told you to get stuffed years ago.

[AryaStarkWolf]

Well as DM was talking to DS at the time of the incident, DS also 'let' DD fall on her face.
But somehow only DM is to blame

Oh hang on is "DS" the OPs son so a child or the DMs son so an adult? If he's adult is it the OPs Dh and so the childs actual father? Oh if that's the case..............

[M4J4]

@PlasmaRain but why doesn't the mum say no to the holidays if they don't work for her? Or be clearer about what is willing and not willing to do? It doesn't sound like OP asks her mum to do things for her DC apart from watch them on some afternoons (perhaps the DB and SIL do).

I suspect the mum enjoys the holidays otherwise she wouldn't be going year after year.

Whilst I agree that OP shouldn't expect child care from her mum, if there has been an arrangement that OP and her DB pay for their mum's holidays, meals, etc in return for occasional babysitting, then the mum has some responsibility either to say no the holidays, or be clearer on what she is willing to do or not do.

Instead, the mum is saving all her passive aggressiveness for OP. OP got the blame for putting clothes in the washing machine, not SIL and OP got the passive aggressive remark about tea.

All I'm saying is that OP should not bear the brunt of her mum's dissatisfaction when all of them have responsibility.

And OP asked in her OP whether it seems as if the arrangement no longer works for her mum. It clearly doesn't, so why not stop it?

[Springwalk]

Yes and mother needs to feel guilty for a child hitting her face surely the safety of the children is responsibility of the parents!

Book an au pair for your next holiday and thereafter, and book a proper holiday of her choice for your poor mother without the strain of caring for your kids. As a thank you for the 6 years of free childcare she has provided you with. I suspect she is doing a lot more besides the holidays, given your air of entitlement.

[OrchidInTheSun]

How very generous of you to pay your mother to fly out on your expensive holiday to look after your children for you.

[AmaryllisNightAndDay]

my tone was def jovial, rather that cross.

That kind of "jovial" comes across as passive aggressive. Sorry. It wasn't meant to be overheard by your DM but it was still an unkind thing to say to someone else. In her place I would have been really upset.

Yes it sounda as if you are all fed up, and your mother feels she is being taken for granted and taken advantage of. It sounds as if she's just there to do the childcare, not because you appreciate her company on holiday at all. That might not be true but if it's how it's coming across here it's probably how it's coming across to her. Maybe she's just had enough of doing sledging with the little ones year after year. The older boys have moved on to ski-ing while she's being left behind. She's only 61, that's 2 years older than me. I would hate to be treated like that.

If your brother has taken advantage of her for childcare at other times, doesn't mean that you get to do the same on holiday. Maybe she'd like you to treat her nicely, and stand up for her with your brother? Instead of resenting that she skivvies for them and not for you?

You also need to see this as a "group holiday" and follow "group holiday" rules. Assume all household tasks etc will be done by other people a bit wrong. Decide ahead of time to let a lot of small stuff go. Avoid taking take clothes that are easily spoilt if laundry is done by other people, or if you do take them then keep special things separate. (Oh and if you're ironing on holiday then you're doing holidays wrong but that's just my opinion.) I wonder why it's not OK to take laundry to MiL's house, is she richer than your Mum?

And everyone should have a say in activities. "Join the fun and provide childcare" sounds as if your Mum gets almost no say at all. I think that - given how much you have relied on her all these years - you, your sibs and spouses owe your mother a whole holiday on her terms.

[M4J4]

@lilabet2

I also very much agree with this:

Thanks lilabet, it's the nuance here that many posters are failing to see.

[Bookworm4]

Your mother lives with your sister and brings up her 5 kids, then on her 'holiday' looks after another 2 lots of Dgc? A ski holiday when you don't ski isn't a holiday.
I spent one afternoon with DM to go for a snow walk with her and DD and stayed an hour one afternoon when DD was sad, and DM spent whole time on her phone
Your arrogance and complete lack of self awareness is breathtaking, an hour? Calm down with the quality time with your DD!

[LaurieMarlow]

it's the nuance here that many posters are failing to see

Yes, the nuance that pretty much the entire thread has missed

[AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo]

There's something a bit detached about you, OP - to your dc as well as your mother. It sounds a bit as if it were (in your eyes) a big concession for you to stay for an hour with your daughter when she was sad. (I admit freely that I don't get not spending time all together on family holidays). And your dh's and brother's absence from all this is very marked. Have you been delegating to your mother what they delegate to you?

Talk of 'the deal' between you and your mother makes me uncomfortable too - the whole scenario really does read like a nanny/au pair set-up, It does sound as if your whole family, for one reason or another, has got used to taking your mother's services for granted. The answer to that, though, is not for her to do more for you to even it out, but for all of you to back off a bit with your expectations.

[Chippychipsforme]

Your poor mum. You're completely taking her for granted.

Why are you doing so much washing on holiday though?

[HiHoToffee]

Arya, I think DS is OP's sister.

[speakout]

Sounds like you are all too ill suited to holiday together.

[M4J4]

Yes, the nuance that pretty much the entire thread has missed

Clearly it has been missed, if I'm being accused of being a SP just for having an alternative view!

[AryaStarkWolf]

Arya, I think DS is OP's sister.

ah ok, so why is it DGM fault and not DS fault? Is the DGM supposed to be "on duty" even when the childrens parents are in the room?

[AmaryllisNightAndDay]

Yep, your mum is being ... passive aggressive...

Maybe, but even if so that just makes two of them, and the mother isn't here.

[HiHoToffee]

ah ok, so why is it DGM fault and not DS fault? Is the DGM supposed to be "on duty" even when the childrens parents are in the room?

Well OP and her siblings are on holiday, so allowed to completely switch off
DM on the other hand.....

[QforCucumber]

goodness me your poor DM.

We took MIL on holiday recently to say thank you for all she does for us (she has DS 2 days a week while we work, the other 3 he is in nursery)
She was able to sunbathe, use the spa, she and I went for afternoon tea. We spent the holiday as a family bar 1 night when she told DH and I to go out for a meal and she would watch DS as she too wanted an early night. out of 7 days she did 3 hours of babysitting - THATS how her holiday should look!

[M4J4]

Maybe, but even if so that just makes two of them, and the mother isn't here.

But that doesn't mean we can't see the mum is being passive aggressive.

We only ever get the OP's view on AIBU, so have to go by what OP tells us.

[AryaStarkWolf]

Well OP and her siblings are on holiday, so allowed to completely switch off
DM on the other hand.....

The poor woman, I nearly want to take her on holiday myself! :p

[Pegsinarow]

When it comes to family holidays like this, I think the best thing is everyone takes turn staying at home and baby-sitting and everyone gets a turn to go out. It shouldn't fall to one person to do all the housekeeping and baby-sitting, whether you have paid for their holiday or not.

[PrincessScarlett]

Yes, why can't you take the washing to MILs house? Surely it would be easier to put a couple of loads on in a familiar house rather than everyone washing clothes on holiday. No wonder wet washing has been put on the floor, it sounds like there is so much of it there's nowhere to dry it.

Your mum may be passive aggressive but the way you have ALL treated her over the years is awful.