to think that if I I want my baby in my bed that's fine?

[sabrinablue]

Was ranted at by a close family member today about sleeping with my baby (6 months) in my bed with me. Not for safety reasons, but because I'm 'creating a rod for my own back'.

I am a single parent with no help and I would fall apart if I couldn't just roll over and feed my son at night (apparently 6 months is too old for need night feeds). Agreed, sometimes he does this for comfort, but so what? I'm on maternity leave, I work part time when I'm at work, I still get enough sleep to function. Why can't I soothe my baby in the most natural way possible?

Am I really that unreasonable to want to parent this way? Or should I be putting my baby in a cot and not letting him feed at night?

According to her it's not normal for a 6 month old to feed at night and he should be sleeping through.... 🤦🏽‍♀️

I also co slept with my parents until I was 3 and they said they had no problems at all putting me in my own bed so it's not always the case that it causes issues..

If it works for you, great. If it stops working for you, then you can change it.
I cosleep with DS as it's the only way I can get any rest. But he is now waking at least every 2 hrs and it is breaking me so we will be sleep training him very soon.
Did I make a mistake allowing him to feed whenever etc? Dunno. But I do know that it kept me sane because it bought me a bit more sleep.
I'm afraid you will always get this advice. Just smile and nod.

I also think part of me, selfishly just isn't ready for an empty bed. Is that so awful?

Only way I could get some sleep! YANBU. Unfortunately, you get loads of unwanted advice when you become a mum!

I thought parents were advised now to have their baby in a cot next to them to lower the risk of cot death? Is this still right or has it changed?

How on earth is snuggling with your baby in anyway a rod for your back?
Honestly, the bollocks they came out with in the previous generations: times feeds, babies in separate rooms. All trying to regiment and control things.
If you can sleep cuddled with a partner, or a cat, or your dog because you both enjoy it and sleep well and better, why on earth would you NOT do it with your children?
Why does your baby not need love and security when all other mammals do?
And feeding in the night is perfectly normal, and neither does breast milk for the babies teeth. There's been more than enough studies done on the subject.

I co-sleep with my 8 month old and I couldn't imagine an easier way...just rolling over in the night to feed - no getting up at all! It's so perfectly natural and beneficial...absolutely zero fucks given to what anyone else thinks!

@Margot33 are you replying to a particular poster? OP has said her DC is a boy and still feeding during the night.

Rot not for.
DYA.

YANBU do what works for you. Two of mine shared my bed, it didn’t cause any long term issues.

“Honestly, the bollocks they came out with in the previous generations: times feeds, babies in separate rooms. All trying to regiment and control things.“

Precious generations?

Mine didn’t co-sleep, but were all in a cot right next to my bed for up to18 months. Two of them fed twice a night for well over a year and I would have been demented if I’d had to get up and go to a different room to feed them. 6 months is still small and if you are happy with how things are, it’s nothing to do with anyone else.

I can't imagine how tired I would be if I had to get up and move him to a crib every night or deal with him screaming because he wants my boob

You'd be shattered.

Sometimes I wonder if It's because of how hard It's be that some women insist other women must do this. As in, they had to work really hard getting up in the night so as to not "create a rod for their own back". If they accept that it's perfectly fine to just choose not to do this, it kinda undervalues all their hard work - so instead they insist you must do the same as they did.

Cod psychology on my part here, but it does seem to me that a lot of unsolicited patenting advice is people validating their own patenting choices.

I say do what makes you and your baby happy. It's no one else's business. There's nothing at all wrong with wanting your baby to be close to you.
Mine all slept in my room until they were around a year old. They often ended up in my bed in the middle of the night for a feed and a cuddle. The point of having kids is to enjoy the parenting and that means doing what suits you, rather than what might suit someone else.

I'm guessing it's a much older relative?! Just ignore.

@BertrandRussell my mum is obviously a generation above me and had me and my 4 siblings in bed with her 🤷🏽‍♀️

I think it's perfectly natural to not like an empty bed and enjoy your baby being next to you.

I still love cuddling up to my ds when he sneaks into our bed.

My fil brags about how when dh was a baby, they put him in a room in the furthest part of the house and ignored him because they 'knew there was nothing wrong with him'. I just don't know why you would be like that.

I was going to ask how you would feel if you met someone. But you can't really plan your life around a relationship that doesn't even exist right now.

You just do what works for you. All babies are so different! Every other mum at baby group co sleeps with their babies. I’m the only one that doesn’t! But my DS slept so much better in his own room without us disturbing him (DH snoring, getting up for a wee etc.) and I’m such a deep sleeper I would be worried about rolling on him. Just do what you want!

Mine fed at night until two or thereabouts.

Am with pp above re path of least resistance. A lot of the rod-for-your-back parenting philosophies come from a place of it having been considered necessary (societally) to put children in their place at the bottom of the pile. Thank goodness we're past that. As little ones, they need what they need.

Ignore ignore ignore

There's absolutely nothing wrong with cosleeping if it works for you. I did with both of mine and it's an absolute life saver to not have to get up to feed at night. Not the same as you but my DH works away during the week and I know that cosleeping meant that I was far more rested and able to look after the DC than I would have been going back and forward to another room.

Plus I liked it. Humans are made for social interaction. We look for comfort and contact so why wouldn't a baby look to be as close as possible to its mother. Evolution has meant that human babies aren't developed enough to be away from their mother in case a sabre tooth tiger attacks. It's only very recently (ie the last few centuries) that humans have decided that a cot and separate rooms was 'better'. I'm not convinced.

As for rod for your own back - bullshit. Both of mine moved into single beds before they were 18mo. They never get out of them because they know if they ever need me, I'll be straight in to see them and lie down with them if they need it. That very rarely happens. My 4 year old DD even sits in bed waiting for us to get her up.

My advice - carry on with what works for you. If you want to move on, from my experience a double mattress on the floor from about 12mo works wonders. You can still cosleep and feed to sleep but you can also escape to your own bed.

Congratulations on your baby. Sounds like you're doing an amazing job

howmanyleftfeet, I do think some women find it very difficult to watch other women having it easier than they did (exactly because it undermines the sacrifices and struggles they thought they had to make). I think it's at the root of a lot of mother-daughter conflicts, tbh.

All my children co-slept, they had no difficulty migrating to their own beds at a later stage.

Mine's nearly 6 months and I have 7 friends with babies the same age. Not one is sleeping through. Mine wakes twice but one of those is before I go to bed.

Just ignore whoever it is.

I also think part of me, selfishly just isn't ready for an empty bed. Is that so awful?

It's perfectly normal and what nature intended! Your instincts are working well.

Did you know the reason the SIDS advice is to keep your baby in the same room for 6 months is not- as people often think - so you can hear your baby (and so they assume incorrectly that baby monitors are a decent substitute) but so that your baby can hear you! Babies sleeping in the same room as their mother regulate their own breathing better.

All babies need are their mothers, really. Take a step back a minute and have a think about how much our society tries to get in the way of the mother-baby bond, and how that generates profit.

The baby industry is massive! But so much of it is making you pay for substitutes for yourself! Bottles, milk and dummies are substitutes for boobs. Cots and baby monitors are a substitute for sleeping with you. Buggies are a substitute for your arms. Teddies and other comforters are a substitute for sleeping close to family members. etc etc.

I'm not suggesting we shouldn't have/do any of the above - modern life would have been tough without our buggy for example!

But, I found it empowering when I realised that- really my baby only needed me, and that it was up to me how much I took heed of what other people told me was the norm - as so much of it was just cultural, and a pretty artificial way of doing things.

It also makes me sad to reflect how little our society respects the mother-child bond and arguably actively gets in the way of it . From the moment your child is born and they whisk them off you and make you wait until they've weighed them to hold them (I found out second time round that, unless It's an emergency they can actually just give you your baby and do. the checks with you holding / feeding them, so I insisted the MW gave me my baby as soon as she was born, which seemed to surprise her - but why should it?) to hurrying mothers back to work and teaching us to value our worth through our jobs and not also in motherhood - but I digress!...

Another one here who had no trouble stopping co-sleeping by waiting until the time was right, with both of mine. The only thing I think it can be worth doing if you arent already is to start them off the night sleeping on their own (either in their own bed or in yours) so that you don't have to go to bed when they do. I found life much better once I started getting a bit of adult only time in the evening.