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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws that you give an inch and they take a mile

74 replies

Picturesonthewall · 17/04/2019 09:22

This is more of a WWYD. So, my MIL has just been to stay for 5 days. It was my invite as I want DH to spend time with his family and we do get on well. Whilst she was here, she made herself properly at home, and really didn't want to leave leaving it as long as possible, only finally going when two sets of workmen arrived with the announcement that she didn't want to be blocked in followed by the silence when you are expected to disagree. Her gift to us on arrival was some discounted wine, whilst we organised an expensive activity out (after which she went to the loo when the food bill came). Any comments about other meals out had the response of "you don't need to take me out" as opposed to ever thinking of returning any hospitality. Instead, she ate and drank herself silly, coming with me to the supermarket but just standing their at the till or saying you don't need to get that for me (missing the point that not everything i was buying was actually for her)! Small and stupid things would include that she ate a specific food that DS eats and was quite upset to find had all gone (I had no idea she had gone through the lot so i hadn't got more). Ridiculous thing to niggle I know, but just epitimises the attitude. In comparison, when we see her we do two full shops with lots of nice booze and food to ensure that she doesn't feel we go there for a free trip but that we actually like to be with her and the extended local family.

We also had a bbq for DH's DS and family and whilst there was steak, fish etc etc prepared she came with a cheap bottle of wine and a packet of biscuits. This was also the 4th time we had entertained her on the trot with no sign of a return invite. DH wondered if it was because there is an obvious difference in house styles but that it might change when she moved to her new place. A side comment from him about how much he was looking forward to seeing the new place for a BBQ got comments about how they wouldn't have any money to entertain due to a new mortgage.

There are always the comments that family shares (ie: spreading out money) which could only be us to them as there is a disparity as we have both inheritance from my side and more obviously bankable jobs (though SIL works in a relatively skilled public sector job with some old-fashioned advantages that we can't get as we work for ourselves which we therefore have as a high cost which is of course forgotten).

I feel that they are always looking to fill their boots, as does DH though I know that this kind of jockying for advantage is much more of an anathema to me as it's just not how my family works (for all their different weirdnesses) so if I need a head wobble, well wobble away.

If not though, here is the WWYD. Any subtle comments made by DH are like water off a ducks back (I have taken to quietly seething as I know that me saying anything gets me classed as the protectionist inlaw). So, do I just hit it straight on, or are there more passive aggressive/subtle ways (which I would prefer tbh) that can maintain the relationship, but change the dynamics.

TIA

OP posts:
Caselgarcia · 17/04/2019 09:32

Next time you have a BBQ, you make it clear, 'Mil you are bringing meat, SIL you are responsible for drinks, we' ll provide the salad, BBQ and desserts'. If anyone queries it you say, as its family, we all share the cost. It's not fair for the one family who hosts to provide everything.

Nanny0gg · 17/04/2019 09:40

Either you host with generosity or don't bother.

Lottapianos · 17/04/2019 09:45

Hosting with generosity doesn't involve putting up with this kind of piss taking. Shes doing it because she gets away with it. This would hack me off enormously too OP. I have a friend who used to come to stay and contribute nothing but eat and drink all round him, never puts his hand in his pocket in the pub either. Now, we either keep things simple and basic when he stays, or make sure we're busy and unable to host!

Casel's idea is good - tell her what she's expected to bring to events like the BBQ

Chickychoccyegg · 17/04/2019 09:46

stop doing any shopping when you go to hers, arrive with a bottle of wine or 2 and thats it, dont offer to buy anyrhing else, see what she does then.
she's a taker and will continue to take if she gets away with it.
Dont invite her to stay for so long again, it must be costing you and saving her a fortune

MereDintofPandiculation · 17/04/2019 09:56

She may be doing it because she's out of touch with what is appropriate, or she feels embarrassed - paying for a food shop implies that you are unable to pay and therefore could be taken amiss, a bottle of wine is simply a gift and not implying that the host can't afford it. I'd agree about being a bit more explicit up front. And/or not being so generous when you go to hers. Just give her a bottle of wine or some chocolates.

Certainly when I was young and in the society I mixed in, it definitely wasn't the done thing to chip in with money, the host would have been most insulted. If it was family you didn't expect a thank-you gift either. If she's grown up the same way, all her instincts will be saying "I can't possibly offer them money, it would be rude"

sockatoe · 17/04/2019 10:01

If I invited people to be hosted, I wouldn't expect them to pay for it. A bottle of wine is a token, not payment. As someone else said, if you're not prepared to host, don't invite.

Shoxfordian · 17/04/2019 10:12

I don't think you should expect her to pay towards your food shopping. If you wanted her to contribute to the meal then you could have waited for her to get back from the loo and said the bill is x, can you pay £

I agree though, if you don't want to host someone with good grace then don't offer again

HopefulAgain10 · 17/04/2019 10:26

Wow you sound tight and petty.

FenellaMaxwell · 17/04/2019 10:29

I would be so embarrassed to invite someone to stay then expect them to be paying for supermarket shopping! You invite, you host, you pay.

Leeds2 · 17/04/2019 10:35

Tbh, I wouldn't expect someone who I had invited to stay at my house to pay for food/drink. Maybe bring a bottle of wine or box of chocolates as a thank you.
But, if it bothers you, don't invite them any more. If necessary, say you can't afford it. Or that it is time for someone else to host.

CSIblonde · 17/04/2019 10:37

You could just bring treats when you visit her. Chocolate, wine, a posh bought cake. When you host I'm not sure why she shops with you tho. That's odd. And I wouldn't expect her to pay for her meal out, as she's family. I assume you aren't out of pocket as you say you are very comfortable financially (& she's said very clearly, she isnt). If you are feeling this resentful maybe a shorter stay is in order.

Original poster
Picturesonthewall · 17/04/2019 10:38

The weird thing about the shopping was that I was happy to go on my own but she chose, or more requested to come with me. Totally unnecessary considering she was here for so long it's not as if she needed to come to spend time with me. I would have preferred her to stay at home with DS! So I will say I assumed she came for a purpose. To those assuming I am being tight, would you genuinely not get remotely miffed that equally, every time you went to the MIL's you were expected to pay a contribution (so it has to be said I have never felt there was an "I would just insult" if the favour was returned).

Plus, it wouldn't make you feel a little used that the SIL literally never hosted but will come into your house and assume total hospitality knowing that you would never stint because that's just how you have been brought up.

OP posts:
NewIdeasToday · 17/04/2019 10:39

It’s his mum. Of course you should treat her if you can afford to. What a funny approach.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 17/04/2019 10:42

I sort of get where you are coming from OP...cos when my husands family come they bring nothing,zilch,nada and eat us out of house and home...they usually come for an occassion be it birthday or something and I usually do a buffet...they have been known on every occassion to plate up whats left and take the left overs too..they eat things they dont even like cos its there...every piece of fruit in fruit bowl though non of them buy it for themselves at home and we buy tonnes....kids are always found with head in freezer rooting for cornettos cos they know they are here and they never get them at home....its distastful and embarrassing quite frankly.....we go to their house and never even get offered a cuppa...they all like coming here..I wonder why?!!!! Now I don't expect them to shop or buy the same as us or have the same budget to do so but its the rudeness and bad manners and entitlement that annoys me...I would never go in someones fridge or cupboards but they do....now thats off my chest back to your problem....its the same as mine either you host gracefully or you don;t.....I am choosing the don't option with my lot more rapidly as time goes on!!!!!!

GPatz · 17/04/2019 10:43

If it's never reciprocated, then don't host as much or downscale your hosting. I agre with another poster that hosting with generosity does not mean you should accept people taking the piss. I certainly wouldn't be taking my own shopping around to hers. If she is hosting you, let her host.

averythinline · 17/04/2019 10:46

I can undertsand its annoying but think your only response is to stop hosting....
with some friends it'll be a division of things brought and noone would contemplate no bringing stuff...with DH family they may bring a bottle of wine but nothing else as they expect the host to host and it would be rude.....
it took me while to get used to as mine was always a pitch in and bring along family (poorer and bigger maybe)
However DH family did take turns with hosting (sort of the sibs did, PIL less so ) so I would suggest you just don't and say oh must be SIL turn next or back to MIL next time its yours and just leave it until one of them hosts..

or host but do it cheaper bbq sausages.burgers & salad......

Ihatehashtags · 17/04/2019 10:47

Wow you could be writing about my MIL! It is shockingly similar. I think the thing that’s gets me most is there is no give and take. It’s all take and it’s her who is the taker. I think you’ve been a gracious host and she is taking advantage because she’s tight. I flip flop between refusing to lower myself to my MILs level and raging at her for being so rude and tight fisted. It’s bloody hard work OP. I have no advice but I feel your pain.

butterboo · 17/04/2019 10:52

It's a tricky one, I guess when you go to hers, you go as a family where as it's just her so proportionally she's less of a burden. I understand where you are coming from and when we have had visitors stay for a week or more I am grateful if they pitch in with shopping and we have thankfully mostly had generous guests.

TulipFever · 17/04/2019 10:57

How is it made plain to you that you are expected to ‘pay a contribution’ when you visit your MIL?

And honestly, you do sound petty when you complain about your MIL ‘eating and drinking herself silly’ at your house. I have this vision of you counting the number of potatoes she takes and muttering ‘TWO portions of lasagne again!’ to your DH.

PregnantSea · 17/04/2019 10:58

Either stop expecting her to put her hand in her pocket or directly tell her things. So you're at the supermarket and you say "do you want to get the stuff that you want to eat, I don't know what you want for breakfasts and snacks etc and then I'll meet you back at the car?".

I would probably just go for the first option though.

Original poster
Picturesonthewall · 17/04/2019 11:01

That's exactly what it is ihatehashtags, it's the take but no give. I don't care about the money and trust me I am not tight (tho I haven't jumped on paying for new technology or redecorating as has been implied I could for various family members, sorry). On no level are we talking about a family living hand to mouth, but are pretty comfortable. It is the "it's there, it's free, I can so I do". Thing is ironically, if she actually just gave a little, we would give more, but when we say we are doing something (like a holiday) and she responds with a head tilt and "oh i want to go there" my response is not a chance, when she would actually get more leeway if she didn't miff me on this so much. As i say, we get on, but this does get my goat.

OP posts:
Spiritinabody2 · 17/04/2019 11:07

OP, you have mentioned the disparity in homes between yours and your SIL's and that SIL has said they won't be able to entertain because of their high mortgage costs. I wonder if perhaps your relaxed way of inviting them all and providing good foods (steak and fish rather than sausages and burgers) just leads them to think you just really enjoy providing for them.

I do think the comment about your MIL's gift to you was a bit stuck up - "Her gift to us on arrival was discounted wine." How do you know it was discounted and what does it matter? Are you really trying to say it was cheap plonk?

"Small and stupid things would include that she ate a specific food that DS eats"
Yes, that is a stupid thing to be bothered about.

You mention comments being made that family shares. What exactly do they say? Could you be misconstruing what they mean by those comments?

If you are certain they are just taking advantage then do not entertain in this manner. As you choose to host then you need to be prepared to provide the catering and just count it as a bonus if family make contributions of any kind. Do a BBQ with sausages and burgers instead if you want them not to take the Mickey.

If you stay at MIL's at her invitation then it depends on how many there are of you as to whether you contribute to groceries etc. However it will be very difficult to stop doing that as you seem to have set a precedent.

llangennith · 17/04/2019 11:09

YABU and a bit petty. You say how much you like your MIL but most of your posts are complaining about her so stop kidding yourself. You clearly don't like her but like to think you're the better person. You're not.
If you don't want to be host to your DH's mother then don't invite her as often. If you're going to invite her then make her visits pleasurable for her and yourself and stop being a mean girl.

Original poster
Picturesonthewall · 17/04/2019 11:15

Oh come one llangennith, you can like someone but be miffed with one aspect of their personality. The amount of threads I see about "what peeves you about DH" with a huge response of complaints though people choose to marry and have kids with that person ....

OP posts:
Sindragosan · 17/04/2019 11:56

One of DH's aunts used to throw fabulous parties, and while people would bring wine etc it was still a lot of work getting ready and tidying up. She got fed up with no one else taking a turn to host, so stopped and hasn't had a party in years. Its not just the cost of these things but the time too.