Inlaws that you give an inch and they take a mile

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This is more of a WWYD. So, my MIL has just been to stay for 5 days. It was my invite as I want DH to spend time with his family and we do get on well. Whilst she was here, she made herself properly at home, and really didn't want to leave leaving it as long as possible, only finally going when two sets of workmen arrived with the announcement that she didn't want to be blocked in followed by the silence when you are expected to disagree. Her gift to us on arrival was some discounted wine, whilst we organised an expensive activity out (after which she went to the loo when the food bill came). Any comments about other meals out had the response of "you don't need to take me out" as opposed to ever thinking of returning any hospitality. Instead, she ate and drank herself silly, coming with me to the supermarket but just standing their at the till or saying you don't need to get that for me (missing the point that not everything i was buying was actually for her)! Small and stupid things would include that she ate a specific food that DS eats and was quite upset to find had all gone (I had no idea she had gone through the lot so i hadn't got more). Ridiculous thing to niggle I know, but just epitimises the attitude. In comparison, when we see her we do two full shops with lots of nice booze and food to ensure that she doesn't feel we go there for a free trip but that we actually like to be with her and the extended local family.

We also had a bbq for DH's DS and family and whilst there was steak, fish etc etc prepared she came with a cheap bottle of wine and a packet of biscuits. This was also the 4th time we had entertained her on the trot with no sign of a return invite. DH wondered if it was because there is an obvious difference in house styles but that it might change when she moved to her new place. A side comment from him about how much he was looking forward to seeing the new place for a BBQ got comments about how they wouldn't have any money to entertain due to a new mortgage.

There are always the comments that family shares (ie: spreading out money) which could only be us to them as there is a disparity as we have both inheritance from my side and more obviously bankable jobs (though SIL works in a relatively skilled public sector job with some old-fashioned advantages that we can't get as we work for ourselves which we therefore have as a high cost which is of course forgotten).

I feel that they are always looking to fill their boots, as does DH though I know that this kind of jockying for advantage is much more of an anathema to me as it's just not how my family works (for all their different weirdnesses) so if I need a head wobble, well wobble away.

If not though, here is the WWYD. Any subtle comments made by DH are like water off a ducks back (I have taken to quietly seething as I know that me saying anything gets me classed as the protectionist inlaw). So, do I just hit it straight on, or are there more passive aggressive/subtle ways (which I would prefer tbh) that can maintain the relationship, but change the dynamics.

TIA

she ate a specific food that DS eats and was quite upset to find had all gone

Oh the horror! How did your PFB cope?

I didn't carry on reading after that as you were already coming across as petty and mean spirited. As others have said, either host or don't. Don't do it begrudgingly and then bitch behind their back about how the gift they brought you wasn't expensive enough. Jeez.

You were asked to pay to redecorate one of their houses? Wow YANBU.

Why is dh spending time with his family your responsibility to organise?

Do we have the same in laws??!
Mine came for 3.5 weeks over xmas and for 3x 2 week trips last year. After the first visit I realised it was expected that Myself and Dh make the meals AND wash up after AND fetch fil’s beers/wine/whiskey ( which we had bought as well)
And SIL would come over too on their visits to join us for meals .. always empty handed ( oh the shop was closed, I was carrying a lot of things etc etc) and drink a load of wine etc.. this would be ok, as I thought it’s fanily.. but then when she did finally pull her finger out of her ear, she invited her parents to hers, but not myself and Dh as “ it’s difficult to cook for a group”
Basically, I see where you’re coming from OP. It’s not about the money, it’s the feeling of being taken for granted that really rankles

(tho I haven't jumped on paying for new technology or redecorating as has been implied I could for various family members, sorry).

Can you expand on this! Who implied this and how?!

She's a freeloader.

TLDR

It does sound annoying and that they're very on the take although at least they bring something (not sure how you know the wine is discounted or what is wrong with that!).

I'd just scale back the hosting - see them less and when they come to you, keep things simple and do a big chilli/bolognaise/stew etc. Don't do the expensive activities and eating out. Get a big online shop so she doesn't come with you and meal plan.

Basically just learn from how they are, accept that and adjust your actions and output rather than feeling constantly frustrated that they don't change and hoping for more.

To those commenting on the food. I was going to ignore it but I feel
I have to now comment. I thought you might be able to read between the lines. DS has special needs and is a fussy eater. She knows that and no it’s nothing much but it just means it makes my life harder.

On the redecorating and technology it’s basically that we could do this or that because family’s share and if they had such a disparity they would think nothing of doing this or buying that for extended family. Experience would indicate differently mind.

YANBU. Stop taking food and drink when you visit her.

Stop inviting SIL until she reciprocates an invite.

Stop having MIL to stay so often and when she does stay, don't take her shopping. If she makes requests for special food, say you are sticking to a food budget so it might not be possible to get the things, an then don't get them.

You have been far too welcoming.

Just stop taking food to hers.

Stop hosting.
Don't put yourself through it.

And if invited there, take a bottle of wine and biscuits.

Definitely stop hosting them. Host for nicer less grabby friends instead. If there's to be a meet up arrange it at a local park or similar. They sound really cheeky and I'm not surprised you're fed up.

I’m a big fan on treating people like they treat me. So l would limit her ability to eat us out of house and home. I would also not turn up at hers with supplies

There are always the comments that family shares (ie: spreading out money)

Yeah I get this. It pisses me off.

I’ve stopped going but when we used to get invited to mils for Sunday dinner, on the day she would send us a list for a ‘few bits’ she needed. It was the entire fucking Sunday lunch ingredients. Joint and all the trimmings. She’d also invited bil and his kids but cooked a beef joint that was not shared with us, just her and bil and kids.

If we eat out, she expects to be informed so we can get her a take out from there or take her with us. We actually have to go out in secret and not post it on SM because she will see her arse. NONE of this is Reciprocated.

If we go on holiday she expects us to bring her 200 fags home from duty free - free of charge. Because it’s a holiday present

I spend a lot of time hiding from her

So, my MIL has just been to stay for 5 days. It was my invite as I want DH to spend time with his family and we do get on well.

There is a whole etiquette thing . When you invite people to stay, YOU are hosting, you foot the cost UNLESS the dynamic is spelled out beforehand. In this instance this was the 4th time she came, and nothing changed because you have set expectations that she is your guest. DH needs to change this expectation.

But, again manners dictate you take your hosts out at the end of your stay, for a decent meal, this is where I think she is falling short.

In comparison, when we see her we do two full shops with lots of nice booze and food to ensure that she doesn't feel we go there for a free trip but that we actually like to be with her and the extended local family. - you may visit me at a time of your choosing

@Amongstthetallgrass that’s a whole new level!

I remember my aunt and uncle arriving at my parents’ house for Christmas one year and presenting my mum with a small box of clementines. They then ate and drank the place dry. It wouldn’t have been so bad if their company hadn’t also been so dry! Disapproving sour faces all the time. It was horrendous.

My mum was amazing. I don’t know how she stayed gracious when my aunt said, over Christmas dinner, mouth full of turkey and sprouts, “I’ve never liked Christmas dinner you know” 😂 😂 😂.

The clementines became a bit of a running joke in my family after that.

Anywho, getting back to the op, I think maybe I’d stop being so generous when I went to hers and also invite her to mine slightly less often, if it were me. I tend to agree that when guests come to me I don’t want them to chip in with a big shop. A bottle of wine would do. And I also agree that if you’re hosting you have to do it generously or not at all. So I’d go for not at all . Ok, sometimes, but not as often.

I haven’t read all the responses but the way I see it is that your PILs “hosted” your DH for about 18 years. Therefore they’ve more than paid their dues. I would not dream of expecting my in-laws (own parents deceased) to lavish anything on my family other than their company and love.

your PILs “hosted” your DH for about 18 years

Nah, I don’t think it works that way. If they hadn’t hosted their own offspring till they reached adulthood they’d have been breaking the law would they not? You can’t breed and then decide not to look after your babies! Unless there’s a serious problem where you can’t, obviously.

Pils definitely get special treatment though as they are your dh’s parents. But there’s always a limit. So you can limit your time rather than your generosity if that makes sense. Be just as generous but not as often. Nobody would seriously suggest you have to care for your capable adult pils full time for 18 years, as parents do their dcs.

She’d also invited bil and his kids but cooked a beef joint that was not shared with us, just her and bil and kids.

You bought a joint and they already had a joint?

'I haven’t read all the responses but the way I see it is that your PILs “hosted” your DH for about 18 years. '

Feeding and watering your own child is not 'hosting' what rubbish.

OP, I hear you. It's not the money, it's the constant take take take. It's very wearing

Your MIL is an invited guest, to both your house and the BBQ. She didn’t turn up empty handed - she brought you s gift.

For once, I don’t think this MIL has done anything wrong.

I don't think you sound tight or petty at all. I've been in your situation with family that takes consistently....I'm reading this as multiple hosting and expense on your part OP and you are now fed up of it, I got to that stage too.
Im happy to host and enjoy it, but when all the expense and work is in one direction only it's quite frankly rude.
Either do as pp said and make it clear at your next hosting that someone can bring meat / salad etc or give the hosting a miss for a few months and see if they notice or say anything.
They sound like takers and spongers Im sorry, it's not nice to go to the repeated effort and expense and be taken for a small fortune while they spend nothing ever.
Do you have kids OP? Are they generous with them?

Op, you don’t understand that some people don’t have the confidence to act as host. Some find the whole process completely daunting.
I host my whole family at Easter & for a pre-Xmas lunch. Out of 7, only one has invited me back, and then only me. The thought of lunch for 10 or 12 gives her nightmares. People worry if their chairs aren’t good enough or their food won’t be up to scratch. People are just different.
Either ask her specifically to bring something, a cake or a pudding, or don’t host so often.
You can’t require people to be as good at this stuff as you are.