Inlaws that you give an inch and they take a mile

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This is more of a WWYD. So, my MIL has just been to stay for 5 days. It was my invite as I want DH to spend time with his family and we do get on well. Whilst she was here, she made herself properly at home, and really didn't want to leave leaving it as long as possible, only finally going when two sets of workmen arrived with the announcement that she didn't want to be blocked in followed by the silence when you are expected to disagree. Her gift to us on arrival was some discounted wine, whilst we organised an expensive activity out (after which she went to the loo when the food bill came). Any comments about other meals out had the response of "you don't need to take me out" as opposed to ever thinking of returning any hospitality. Instead, she ate and drank herself silly, coming with me to the supermarket but just standing their at the till or saying you don't need to get that for me (missing the point that not everything i was buying was actually for her)! Small and stupid things would include that she ate a specific food that DS eats and was quite upset to find had all gone (I had no idea she had gone through the lot so i hadn't got more). Ridiculous thing to niggle I know, but just epitimises the attitude. In comparison, when we see her we do two full shops with lots of nice booze and food to ensure that she doesn't feel we go there for a free trip but that we actually like to be with her and the extended local family.

We also had a bbq for DH's DS and family and whilst there was steak, fish etc etc prepared she came with a cheap bottle of wine and a packet of biscuits. This was also the 4th time we had entertained her on the trot with no sign of a return invite. DH wondered if it was because there is an obvious difference in house styles but that it might change when she moved to her new place. A side comment from him about how much he was looking forward to seeing the new place for a BBQ got comments about how they wouldn't have any money to entertain due to a new mortgage.

There are always the comments that family shares (ie: spreading out money) which could only be us to them as there is a disparity as we have both inheritance from my side and more obviously bankable jobs (though SIL works in a relatively skilled public sector job with some old-fashioned advantages that we can't get as we work for ourselves which we therefore have as a high cost which is of course forgotten).

I feel that they are always looking to fill their boots, as does DH though I know that this kind of jockying for advantage is much more of an anathema to me as it's just not how my family works (for all their different weirdnesses) so if I need a head wobble, well wobble away.

If not though, here is the WWYD. Any subtle comments made by DH are like water off a ducks back (I have taken to quietly seething as I know that me saying anything gets me classed as the protectionist inlaw). So, do I just hit it straight on, or are there more passive aggressive/subtle ways (which I would prefer tbh) that can maintain the relationship, but change the dynamics.

TIA

Is it possible they have interpreted your generous hosting, and generous giving during visits, as you being really rich? I'm guessing they must have if they were also hinting for you to buy electronics/decorate other people's houses! Of course, even if you were really rich, that doesn't make it nice for people to try and weedle money out of you.

I think in order to stop feeling bad or taken advantage of, do what another poster suggested and do a big/cheap online shop and forget about fancy food/booze. And forget about doing a shop when you visit!

I don't think this would make you a bad host, either! Being a good host is surely more about being friendly and welcoming, making some cups of tea and making people comfortable, than spending lots of money.

Might be worth thinking of a way to separate food you don't want eaten for ds

Did they specifically ask you to do a shop when you visit?

People are very literal on here aren’t they? What I mean is that your DHs parents have given him a lot over the years, seems odd now treat them like acquaintances who must carefully reciprocate every meal/visit etc to make sure each side contributes equally to the social setup.

'seems odd now treat them like acquaintances who must carefully reciprocate every meal/visit etc'

That's not what OP is saying at all. Shes not counting every penny of who spends what, just wants MIL to stop taking the piss. Parents don't get a free pass on everything just because they brought you up. Of course its lovely to treat people you love, but it shouldn't be one way traffic all the time

What I mean is that your DHs parents have given him a lot over the years, seems odd now treat them like acquaintances who must carefully reciprocate every meal/visit etc to make sure each side contributes equally to the social setup.

Yes, I do agree with this^^.

Much clearer, (and more sensible, sorry ), than “his parents ‘hosted’ him for 18 years” .

Yes - if we turn up without having visited the shops before arriving there is usually a comment along the lines of: "Are you going to the shops?"

My SIL seems happy to entertain when it suits her. She had had people over the day before. So maybe it's just petty old us :)

Yes - if we turn up without having visited the shops before arriving there is usually a comment along the lines of: "Are you going to the shops?"

I think if that happens again I would probably say “no, but I can go if you need me to get you something”. Then get precisely what’s on the list and no more.

Don’t buy all the nice booze etc and make it ‘a party’. Nobody civilised hosts a party and then makes their guests go and buy all the food and drink.

And host her at yours less frequently or ask her to contribute to something like “can you bring some burgers to the bbq?” or whatever.

Yabu. If you resent paying for her food, take her out less and buy cheaper ingredients. I think you sound quite entitled. People who have lots of money often seem to think they have some kind of moral superiority. You sound like a cheapskate to me.and even if your Dh appears to agree, he won’t like you carping about his Mum like this.

When my inlaws came here we were only delighted to treat them as that's what dh wanted. As already said he appreciated all they had done for him and just loved giving them the best. As they were aging and not great hosts we were quite happy to bring them out to eat when we visited or bring food. My dm always had loads in and a great cook but inlaws were useless but we didn't care.
Just accept her as she is. Graciously receive her gifts. She is from a different generation and it's nice that you are a good host.
Don't give anything that you are not giving with a good heart. And as for buying technology etc..no! Ignore all hints as that is rude and grabbing.

I don’t think it’s a lack of respect or gratitude on the op’s part tbh, but probably just not what she’s used to. It’s always difficult trying to find your place in a ‘new’(er) family.

I'm with you, OP - this is so annoying and rude!

I really enjoy giving hospitality, but I have a cousin who just takes the piss! Last year she was invited to my DH's 40th birthday, and she came for a few days (from a distance). It was a big party and a lot of work went into it. She didn't bring anything, didn't help with anything, ate and drank merrily throughout her visit, even going looking for his single malt whiskey from the drinks cupboard at one point.

After that I swore I wouldn't have her stay anymore. She asked if she could come for her 50th birthday party early this year ('no need to throw a party for me'), but I said we were busy. She invited herself again for several days last month and finally I relented. Again she didn't bring anything, didn't help at all (with cooking, dishes, school runs), although we are working full time with two school age children. She expected us to cook and serve all her meals throughout the visit, asked for wine when it wasn't served, and also expected to be entertained, following us around talking about herself the whole time. In the end I got so annoyed I went for a run when she was leaving so I didn't have to say goodbye. I don't think she will be back in a hurry.

People like this do it because they can. Don't let them.

It’s interesting 3dogs2cats, I have never done an advanced search before, but I just had to on you considering your response.

It's interesting that in response to someone not wanting to contribute a few quid to a colleague that your response was: "Well if you feel a bit sad and unassertive, let this be your watershed moment. Say no, and enjoy saying no. As someone who has been walked over by my family for years but recently had my own watershed moment and I do feel empowered and I’m not gonna get shat on again”, or there is the one where you encourage someone who's DH will inherit a house his parents own but is upset that it's not immediately transferred that they should have a show down, "openly record the meeting" and if that “doesn’t work, or result in a happier outcome, and for me that would involve transfer of ownership or equity release, I would visit a solicitor”, I call you out as someone resentful for someone having more money tbh. Go and troll someone else.

I know where you are coming from Pictures it isn't the money so much as the expectation that you will always put your hand in your pocket.

When my Mum wants to come and stay I am either expected to fund her Eurostar ticket or, (her preference) schlep back to get her, as she prefers to be picked up. I live just outside Brussels, she lives in Devon. Thus, it costs us petrol, ferry, hotel and meal for me on way down, as I cannot do 12 hours straight; and then the same on the way back. It thus takes 2 days to get there, and two days back, and if I have time, a day inbetween for me to catch my breath. I have a chronic autoimmune disease which means I get very tired, so doing that trip wipes me out for a bit.

It was my invite as I want DH to spend time with his family
Is he incapable of doing this himself?

You're allowing the in-laws to take the piss out of you....you can easily put a stop to it.
So what if they try to pain you as the 'difficult' one?
You know that's a tactic used to emotionally blackmail you into submitting to them so stop giving a fuck.

my parents 'hosted' me for 18 years, but if either of us are visiting, we pay for our travel, bring flowers/chocolates and whoever's visiting pays for a nice dinner out. Same behaviour with the in laws.

Would sometimes go to the supermarket with my mum (and vice versa) but only because she likes to talk. Whoever's house it is buys the shopping.

When my Mum wants to come and stay I am either expected to fund her Eurostar ticket or, (her preference) schlep back to get her, as she prefers to be picked up.

That is pretty cheeky!

What would happen if you neither offered to go and fetch her or offered to pay for her ticket?

We did xmas lunch for very well off PIL and four others. They said they'd do dessert and brought two £1 cheesecakes from Morrison's. FIL also brought six mine pies (for ten), and took home those which were uneaten. Tight as.

This is depressingly familiar, only the other way round. My stepson, his wife and baby stayed with us for six days not long ago. They arrived completely empty handed - not as much as a bunch of daffs. They ate three meals a day, drank wine every evening, got up and walked away from the table after every one of those meals and left their sheets on the bed when they left. Not only that but my (stupid) husband handed them a bag of home made goodies to take home.

It utterly baffles me as said stepson manages to take wine, flowers and chocolates when they visit her mother - just as he’s been brought up to do.

It utterly baffles me as said stepson manages to take wine, flowers and chocolates when they visit her mother - just as he’s been brought up to do.

that’s a bit sad for you @alsohuman. I wonder why he brings his mil flowers and not you... Do they stay with you often?

It might be that he doesn’t like me! Or that I’m part of the furniture and he’s still trying to impress her! They’ll be staying a lot less often if they carry on like this.

Hopefully he’s just become a bit complacent with you, is trying to impress mil and will remember you’re there hosting him too soon!

@scaryteacher Wtf??? Please tell me you don't drive from Brussels to Devon to fetch her when the eurostar takes 3 hours.

I have a SIL like this. Has invited herself over for numerous stays, always turned up empty handed - which when BIL is a fussy eater and big drinker is annoying. Always treated our house as a base and would leave the DC behind for us to babysit when they went out in the evening and when they had a lie in until 11am but demand expect a packed lunch to be made for them for their day trips and for the way home.

I've had one cup of tea at her house in 18 years, and DH made me that.

DH saw his arse over it eventually and they haven't stayed since. When we go there to take MIL out for lunch she turns up but now makes a point asking for her own bill

Holidayshopping It would be made very plain she was displeased, and she would not come.

Churchthecat Yes, I drive back to get her. Normally I could combine it with picking ds up from uni near London, so I'd go down to get Mum and come back via ds and then to Brussels, but now he has finished uni, so I schlep back. We did insist she come by train to his uni at Christmas to attend the MA graduation, and then brought her back, but I had to take her back afterwards. She is having a cataract done, on a date I said I wasn't available, so instead of me going over to the UK with ds for a couple of days to look at somewhere before he sticks in a job application, and then back..now I am taking ds, who then has to get a Eurostar back so I can straight on down to Devon to look after Mum . This saves me driving back to Brussels, home for 24 hours, then leaving again.

She did actually admit the other day that she had been spoiled by my coming to get her. Db, who is also out here, won't be as nice as I am, so she will have to do the train and Eurostar once I move home later this year.