To ask those who have high earning partners......

[Hollypies]

I’m shocked by the amount of women on MN with very high earning DP/DHs and I wonder, how did you meet and what is your life like? I can appreciate this is a little nosey, but after years of dating/being in relationships with men who are very low earners and with no ambitions in terms of their career....I’m very curious. I’ve always assumed that highly successful men/women usually mix with their own kind and meet an equally high earning spouse through their work or social circle... but thought it’d be interesting to ask!

Started out earning more!!! Even

Ivana surely it is possible to comment on things like patriarchal structures and say they are depressing.

Unless you're one of those people who think one is not supposed to comment on other people's lives on a forum which is basically about commenting on other people's lives.

@windygallows I suppose so. I like working, and am not domestic in the slightest, so it just never occurred to me not to be just as ruthless as him in climbing the career ladder. I don't work in a profession that pays as well as his, unfortunately

We met as broke 21 year olds. I was a nanny/actress and he had just got his degree. He was very ambitious and heard working and that was that. I knew I one day wanted to be a stay at home mom and we were in agreement on that very early on.

It is depressing. Not on account of any individual’s lifestyle choice, but as a wider social and cultural pattern. It’s not offensive to say that. It remains shit that men are paid more for the same roles that women perform (an overwhelming statistical truth), AND that it’s harder for women to reach those positions in the first place.

Despite being in a relationship which in some years has a great disparity in earnings, I feel separated from the issue by the fact that I don’t work in the corporate world. I still don’t like it though..

Tbf though, I definitely know of women who stay with their husband mostly because of their earnings. It's not always about the man taking advantage of the woman IMO.

OP: I realize I never answer the what's your life like part of the question. It's pretty nice. The best part is being able to outsource though - I don't clean my own apartment, and I don't have to iron. Also I never have to worry about how much the weekly shop costs. Those are the best perks by far.

We do occasionally go mad and do extravagant things - one time I went out for a coffee and a bagel and came back with a coffee, a bagel and a Hermes scarf , a few months ago we said "fuck it" and took ourselves off to the Ritz-Carlton Grand Cayman for a no expenses spared week. But mostly we're big savers, not big spenders and live well within our means.

Met as teenagers.i was initially the higher earner in our 20s. Both worked hard. Agreed childcare/career strategy before having children. Planned our moves carefully and willing to move around the country for good promotions for him. My career ticked over whilst his blossomed but both happy with that. He took three simultaneous jobs that broadened his skill set. I gained additional qualifications whilst working part time.
He is now top 2-5% of U.K. earners but after children reached sixth form I started taking my career more seriously again. Several promotions and I’m in top 5-7%, so quite happy.
We met doing voluntary work after A levels.

What’s life like? Pleasant. Comfortable. Fairly gentle. Walking dog, supper with friends, swimming, etc. I’m not particularly ostentatious about clothes, makeup, hair, car etc and detest buying something because it has a certain label. We have a few luxuries but most of our money goes towards helping our children and parents.

My DH has been a high earner for quite a while. We met as skint uni students and I was basically feeding him.

Depends what you consider high earner m

I met dh at work. I was a lowly tech and he was higher up earning about 40k

However he has worked up and now earns 90k. I earn 10k as a very part time tourist attraction worker

We have a nice lifestyle. Mortgage paid on a normal house Lots of holidays. Nice cars . Don’t need to worry about bills. But we can’t afford private schools or own horses or buy a massive pad. As live in south east.

I wasnt interested in a career so was very happy to leave my work and be a mum and work part time. I loved it.
Now I work at a place I love. No stress. And my dh has all the stress. Winner winner for me

Met at uni. When we first got jobs I earned a bit more than him, but then he got an opportunity to work abroad and we married so I could go too, but I couldn't work for the first 5 years. His career went from strength to strength and mine took a back seat (even after those 5 years). He's now on 400k+. I'm a sahm.

I have a great lifestyle in many ways but I'm bored stupid by it. I wish I had pushed much harder for my own career.

Tbh im.more depressed by the rampant materialism...and jealous as dp and i are skint.
Dp is amazing in every way but he is not a high earner. He is very devoted to fatherhood and has made career sacrifices to look after his dd. I dont think you can have it all tbh.

His dd is not mine. He is a gentle soul and i think this can hold him back as more forceful types get the promotions but also hes highly intelligent and wirks hard. Im proud but i have accepted i cant afford to be a kept wonan. Just as well k enjoy my new career.

DH and I met at the same company, same age. Banking. He is on 300+ a year .

We met at work (chartered surveyors) though at the time I was in HR and he a junior surveyor so I was the higher earner for a long time. Tbh he isn’t wildly ambitious (or probably as high an earner as many on here) but he does “get” money and the need to invest and protect what we have. He is absolutely focussed on creating stability more than being wealthy and I know that appeals to me. He seems very mellow but came from a very poor background and was the only of his childhood friendship group to do A Levels then uni and leave their home town. I guess the drive is there!

Also missed the what is life like. Very much lower stress than my own childhood where we lurched from one financial crisis to another. We have nice holidays and save for our kids future, plus they are in a nice private school (we are overseas where this is normal). But most of our furniture is still Ikea and my clothes from h&M cos we prioritise saving, experiences and education.

I met mine at work, in an industry which is known for paying very well.
He was in a more senior position than me then but although he earnt a respectable salary it wasn't exactly megabucks.

That was 25 years ago and since then he has stayed in the same industry and worked his way up to senior management/board level.

My DH is a high earner and I met him on tinder. We both had jobs where we had very little free time so tinder seemed logical to both of us

DH and I met at work when we were new graduates. We progressed through the company as peers, and were earning almost exactly the same amount until (you guessed it) I gave birth to our first child. These days (three DC later) he earns a LOT more than me!

I'm one of those women who does the childcare and keeps on top of the domestic stuff which has allowed dh to focus on his career.

In our case, it is largely because my health hasn't allowed me to pursue the career I wanted to, but I'm not oblivious to the problems with our set up. I know that this social norm allows men far more opportunity to further their career and I suppose it also has the potential to create inequality in relationships too, although that's certainly not something which I've felt in my own marriage.

So, all to say, although I have one of the relationships which has been described as depressing, I actually agree with the wider point. It is depressing that so many women were higher earners but then took a back seat, allowing their partners careers to soar.

My H and I met 20 years ago at a club when we were off our faces! Totally moved in the same circles at the time as both pre-career jobs. I have professional qualifications and have the capacity to earn much more than I do but didnt enjoy my job at all when I went back to working when child(ren) established at high school.
My H is based in the city and is senior management (banking). He has never had to worry about childcare/child sickness or any spect if running the house as I have looked after all that. He had been able to concentrate on his career and is now top 1%.
I suppose in our case the disparity is due to decisions we have made as a couple that work for our family. Each to their own. If I had stayed in my career job and not taken time out to prioritise my family then I would be earning 3 tikes my current salary.

I can appreciate this is a little nosey, but after years of dating/being in relationships with men who are very low earners and with no ambitions in terms of their career....I’m very curious.

Surely you asked on your dates what the person did for a living and what their career ambitions were if it meant that much to you? You should have stopped dating them if they did not match your own expectations.

DP earns over 100K, I earn just under 70K. We met on Plenty of Fish.

Our lifestyle is comfortable but it's not what I imagined it would be given our income. We live in the SE and have one child. We don't have to worry about money from day to day and go abroad for a holiday each year.

However, I would have imagined a much more lavish lifestyle with several holidays and meals out.

I would like another child but we can't afford nursery fees for two and by the time DD is at school I'll be too old.

Where DP works, all the high earning men have wife at home to take care of the children. It's not for me though.