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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reject a gift for my son?

72 replies

TheLoneWolfDies · 16/04/2019 14:43

I am completley NC with my mum since a couple of weeks after my son was born.

My brother sent me a text yesterday asking me if he could drop around on easter to which i obviously said yes, to come for dinner. He told me my mum has a present for the baby that he was bringing with him.

I feel really torn, I can't tell my brother not to bring it. He has Aspergers and the situation with me and my mum stresses him out. He doesn't want to take sides and he doesn't want any information about it he just wants everyone to be friendly.

I could, in theroy tell him no, but its unfair to him to expect him to tell her hes not bringing it. Shes extremely controlling and maniphlative, she asks him to text me and tells him to bring my child around to her despite me telling her she is not going to be part of his life due to her mental and sometimes physical abuse towards me growing up.

I guess my question is what the hell do I do with it? The last time she sent something it was an outfit that I threw in the back of his wardrobe and he never wore. I don't want her gifts but I also don't want the agro. My son is almost 6 months old so he has no clue.

OP posts:
Cocobean30 · 16/04/2019 14:45

Just donate it

BarbarianMum · 16/04/2019 14:45

Just take it and give it to charity. Or bin it if it's tat. No fuss.

AndOutComeTheBoobs · 16/04/2019 14:46

Just put it in the bin.

So very simple.

Everyone's happy.

Original poster
TheLoneWolfDies · 16/04/2019 14:47

Coco but by accepting it does it not then seem like I'm leaving a door open somehow? I 100 percent do not want her in our lives.

I did consider donating it, same as I will be doing with the previous gift.

OP posts:
Di11y · 16/04/2019 14:49

for the sake of your brother take it and bin it when he's not looking. if you're properly NC you won't care if she takes that as you accepting her gift. you'll know you didn't and that's all that matters.

Booboostwo · 16/04/2019 15:13

I'd let your brother bring it over and then I'd post it right back to your mother.

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 16/04/2019 16:51

I first thought you could just accept it and donate it, that might work for now, but what happens when your child is old enough to see there is a present for him and he doesn't get it?

What you need to do is come up with a way to try and stop your mum sending these presents between now and when your son is old enough to understand someone saying there is a present for him or him being able to read his name on them.

Accepting the presents now and giving them away doesn't stop her sending more, she probably thinks you are accepting and keeping them. Making it clear you will not accept them (maybe by sending them back via mail or courier) might stop her, depending on what she is like. Some people would keep sending them anyway, maybe to get a reaction from you by sending them back.

Or if you intercept the gifts without ds knowing, when he is 4/5/6 years old would your brother ask "Did you like your birthday present from grandma?" Ds would not know what he was on about and dbro would be caught in the middle of it anyway.

From your OP it looks like your mum is keeping your dbro in the middle of it already, texting you for her etc.

I think, in the long term, you might need to ask your dbro not to bring the presents and say your mum needs to mail them to you. That way it keeps dbro out of the present giving bit and you should be able to intercept the deliveries before ds. Then, hopefully, the presents will be ready wrapped to send straight back.

It's a difficult one as it is very hard to get someone to stop sending you things, but I don't think the main problem is this present, it is trying to stop your mum sending them at all. Of course, when ds is old enough to understand, you can explain in an age related way about not accepting anything from your mum, but it will be the intervening years when your ds is old enough to realise a present has his name on it but not old enough to understand about not being able to have it that will be harder to handle.

EatingElephantsisCF · 16/04/2019 16:52

Donate.

EatingElephantsisCF · 16/04/2019 16:54

However ,YABU .Very little information.

Original poster
TheLoneWolfDies · 16/04/2019 17:23

Deathly thank you, you put into words exactly what I've been thinking. Thats my biggest concern, I don't want to upset DS in the future. For now its ok but I KNOW shes going to keep doing it. I think its a way of both making me feel guilty and also making it look to other people (mainly my brother) that she's trying to be a lovint doting nanny and I wont let her if you get me?

I definatly need a better approach than just accepting them but I feel awful for my brother because he hates this sort of thing, he just wants to see me and my mum and his nephew and go about his life as normal, which is he entitled to. I hate that she's dragging him into it.

I considered texting her to tell her to stop but to do that I'd have to unblock her number and I honestly don't think it would make a difference. I think sending them back is the only option, however I don't think it will stop her as its all a game to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLoneWolfDies · 16/04/2019 17:27

Eating what more information do you need exactly? A complete history of mine and my mothers relationship? That isn't the point of my question. My question is about the present and whether to accept it and move on or to tell them I'm not accepting it.

OP posts:
Jengnr · 16/04/2019 17:27

Post it back. Your brother won’t have to deal with it and she’ll know you don’t want it.

BarbarianMum · 16/04/2019 17:29

The thing is, if you respond - by text, by returning the present - then she gets a reaction that fuels the situation. Safest to ignore and deal w your guilt. She can't make you feel guilty.

Dieu · 16/04/2019 17:29

Return to sender.

Original poster
TheLoneWolfDies · 16/04/2019 17:33

Barbarian that is also very true. I really don't know what the best way to deal with it in the long term really is. And no, she definatly can't make me feel guilty. Thats a big problem of mine, feeling guilt for things I shouldn't, especially when it comes to my mother. Its something I'm working on.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 16/04/2019 17:36

Just get rid of it in whichever way is easiest for you.

My mother sent a van load of stuff round for my boys when we went NC (long, messy, nasty process involving the police and the harrassment act etc). I gave the driver £20 to drop it all off at the tip.

At this point, it's not about the gift or your DS, it's about power. She wants that item delivered to you against your will. So get rid of it and don't look back.

Queenfreak · 16/04/2019 17:41

I'd post it back stating you do not wish her to be involved in your son's life and will never accept a gift again.
I would also tell her that using your brother as an emotional card will not work.
You love him, but her.

Easterbunnynearlyhere · 16/04/2019 17:42

After not seeing us from ds being 3 mo old mil sent a card for his birthday - I sent it back recorded delivery. She got the message.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 16/04/2019 17:43

I agree with others post it back. If you simply give away she will think you kept it and gifts will keep coming.

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 16/04/2019 17:45

Return it by post or courier, no note, no communication. No drama. The few pounds postage will be worth it.

Greensleeves · 16/04/2019 17:47

I'm only speaking from my own experience, but sending it back, sending a reply - even one that makes clear that you want no contact - will give her a reason to continue the dialogue. If you've made it very clear - once - that you don't want contact, then you have to stick to that irrespective of provocation.

It took years for my mother to stop, even after repeated police involvement. The only thing that worked was completely starving the situation of oxygen - no contact, of any kind, whatsoever.

Farmerswifey12 · 16/04/2019 17:47

You can't donate it as then she will think you have accepted it. You need to be clear you are not accepting anything as she is going to have no involvement. You do t want her thinking that she is making progress if you know what I mean.

Accept it for the sake of your brother. Then send it back to her via post.

Funnyface1 · 16/04/2019 17:54

Take it and send it back to her. She'll get the message without you having to upset your brother on the day.

ItsAGo · 16/04/2019 18:07

Either tell your brother not to bring it round or post it back. She needs to know and so does your brother. This needs to stop now and you won’t be able to intercept presents from
Brother to your son for much longer even when a toddler.

Kattyy · 16/04/2019 18:12

Just take it and post it back unopened. Include a note not to use your brother as a courier in the future.