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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To reject a gift for my son?

72 replies

TheLoneWolfDies · 16/04/2019 14:43

I am completley NC with my mum since a couple of weeks after my son was born.

My brother sent me a text yesterday asking me if he could drop around on easter to which i obviously said yes, to come for dinner. He told me my mum has a present for the baby that he was bringing with him.

I feel really torn, I can't tell my brother not to bring it. He has Aspergers and the situation with me and my mum stresses him out. He doesn't want to take sides and he doesn't want any information about it he just wants everyone to be friendly.

I could, in theroy tell him no, but its unfair to him to expect him to tell her hes not bringing it. Shes extremely controlling and maniphlative, she asks him to text me and tells him to bring my child around to her despite me telling her she is not going to be part of his life due to her mental and sometimes physical abuse towards me growing up.

I guess my question is what the hell do I do with it? The last time she sent something it was an outfit that I threw in the back of his wardrobe and he never wore. I don't want her gifts but I also don't want the agro. My son is almost 6 months old so he has no clue.

OP posts:

Piffle11 · 17/04/2019 08:47

I think if someone is NC due to mental and physical abuse, and describes the person as manipulative and controlling … I really wouldn't want to be encouraging or allowing any relationship between them and my DC. We are NC with a close relative: they sent presents via MIL for a while: I refused to accept them and they stopped. If they hadn't have stopped, I would have given them to charity or binned them. When DC are old enough to understand, we will tell them why we went NC: so far they haven't even twigged, as we saw these people only a handful of times a year.

mumtobabygilrl · 17/04/2019 08:52

Same issue here with DH mum. Presents every birthday, xmas and Easter- we throw away or donate. We would post back to her but don't have her address. We are 100% no contact unfortunately she has our address or pressures other family members to deliver to us. We move house this week YIPEE she won't have our address anymore

PoppyFleur · 17/04/2019 08:54

The opposite to love is not hate, it's indifference. Accept the gift as anything else will upset your brother, then donate to charity. No need to feel guilty because someone, some where will be benefitting from the item.

Orangeballon · 17/04/2019 09:00

Straight in the bin. I know people who put all presents received from relatives they don’t like straight in the bin. Strangely satisfying, I put a lot of my rubbish Xmas presents straight in the bin this year.

Ilnome · 17/04/2019 09:02

I don’t have a solution, I just wanted to say I really admire the way you also protect your brother xxx

Nairobe · 17/04/2019 09:05

Send it back with your brother. She will continue to send via him otherwise, regardless of posting and donating. She is disgraceful to use him as a flying monkey but she is. If she only cares about appearance, she wont care if you post it back as she still looks 'good' in other peoples eyes and she will keep sending.

Just tread carefully with your brother but i would send back by him of she will keep using him. Seeing you stand firm against her, may also help him consider her abuse. Maybe if you chose to send by him, people here can advise and help you on what to say.

M4J4 · 17/04/2019 09:10

@Seymour

Your feud with your mother has nothing to do with a baby.

It’s not a feud FFS. OP’s mum was in a position of care for her dd mentally and physically abused OP.

For you to say OP is in a ‘feud’ with her abuser minimises the abusive she went through.

You’re either trolling or are completely uniformed about what abuse is.

MzHz · 17/04/2019 09:23

No response. Ever.

Let her do what she likes, it will stress your brother to get in the middle of this.

Take the present from him, he’s done his job then and hopefully your mother will leave him alone on the matter

We did this with my oh ex. She would torture her dd to get information out of her, or give her things to give to us. We’d take them and say thanks to the girl, but bin them every time. Focus on who and what is important.

Your db is in a difficult situation and lacks some skills to help him navigate this. Your dc needs protection, YOU need protection from this woman, so do what you can do to achieve that, but you can’t make people do or stop doing anything.

She is doing this for the reaction, so starve her of it. That’s the biggest and strongest move you can make. It will hurt her more than you ranting at her.

This is Toxic Chess. Different rules apply.

Original poster

TheLoneWolfDies · 17/04/2019 09:51

Thank you all so much for the replies they are greatly appreciated!

To the person who said that my brother is not stupid. You are abseloutley right, hes one of the smartest people I know. He is however very emotionally immature and hasnt had great support for his aspergers and so has a hard time coping with stressful situations. Telling him what he can and can't bring over and really saying anything about my mother could cause him to start avoiding my house altogether and I don't want that. He hasnt had a very peaceful life to date and I think he deserves to not be dragged into things. I can't stop her from doing it but I can stop myself.

I have spoken to OH and he thinks we should take it and say nothing to my brother as its not his burden. He will then donate it once the bank holiday is over.

I still am not sure if this is the best action because I feel like it encourages her to send more but for now it seems like the easiest option.

OP posts:

MountPheasant · 17/04/2019 10:09

I would send it back to her with a note - ‘as discussed, we do not want any contact from you and that includes gifts. We are returning this one, if any others are sent they will be donated to charity.’

Then, no matter what, even if she decides to send more, she will not take the silence as acceptance of them- you have already made it clear they are being donated.

If your DH is game I would also ask him to write the note- then there’s still no contact. If he doesn’t want to, type it and don’t sign it.

TriciaH87 · 17/04/2019 10:12

Post it back to her. If everytime he brings something you post it back she will get the hint. However as you say she is trying to get him to take baby to her do not let him babysit. Removes any concern that he will to keep the peace.

NWQM · 17/04/2019 10:18

Whilst I get that you don't want to upset your brother you need to assert your boundaries. You need to remember that it isn't actually you upsetting your brother but your Mum is. She is using your brother.

I think you need to simply repeat as you have here 'I'm sorry I don't want this to put you in a difficult position but you know I want no contact with Mum. That includes presents.'

It's up to him what he does with it. It's not his row but that includes him not being in the position of being a go between. You already know she has attempted to see your DC via him.

Don't open the door by pretending to accept it. She'll definitely ask him.

MzHz · 17/04/2019 10:33

No, sending it back will encourage her because she knows she’s (a) getting at you and (b) causing you expense and inconvenience to send it back

Ignore whatever she does, narcs need to be fed with attention. The only way to get them to stop is to ignore them and starve them out

WhatchaMaCalllit · 17/04/2019 10:34

I agree with @MountPheasant - send them back (including the outfit that you've had at the back of the wardrobe if you still have it) with a note included in the package stating that you do not want and will not accept any gifts now or in the future. You also are aware that she has been asking your brother to be an intermediary and that is unfair on him so she is to stop asking him to be a go-between. If she decides to ignore this information you will tell your DB not to mention her to you and that any gifts from her will be sent on to Oxfam.

Good luck with it!

DoctorDread · 17/04/2019 10:38

@Seymoursyourfriend then perhaps show some empathy.

Seymoursyourfriend · 26/04/2019 15:02

@Seymoursyourfriendthen perhaps show some empathy

Maybe you should look at the whole picture before taking the word of one. Here is a classic example of a mother telling the world she won't be allowing contact between her dc and it's grandmother - Because the grandmother has been abusive in the past. By abusive the grandmother was unable to help the mother pay a deposit on a house, but helped her dd get other housing. Grandmother also helped out with child care and asked mother to hand the child over to her care, as she was not happy with the care her dd was providing to her gc. So was therefore considered to be "abusive" by her dd. With many rants and lies posted on SM by the dd, about her DM.

Here's what happened... 15 months suspended sentence! What a fucking joke! This baby would have been better off with the "abusive" grandmother. She is anything but "abusive". I guess that doesn't fit her DD's agenda. She's nothing but an immature, spoiled brat!

www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/newport-mum-shook-baby-stress-16181040

Omzlas · 26/04/2019 15:11

If you donate the gift, your mother will know nothing about it and will translate this as "she's accepting the gifts so I'll keep sending them". Trust me, I've been there (NC with my own egg donor)

Post it back to her, no need to include a note. The returned parcel will be message enough.

SavingSpaces2019 · 26/04/2019 15:52

He has Aspergers and the situation with me and my mum stresses him out. He doesn't want to take sides and he doesn't want any information about it he just wants everyone to be friendly

OP, i'm an Aspie and although i understand what you're saying and your brother's feelings about this - i don't think your approach is going to help him in the long run.
He needs someone to show him how to deal with manipulative people and not get drawn into their games like he currently is.
Of course it's stressful but that's life and we need to find ways of dealing and coping with it - and you can't do that by sticking your head in the sand.

Your mum is going to keep using him unless he puts a stop to it.
Just tell him what YOUR boundaries are regards your mums behaviour and tell him that you don't want him bringing the stuff into your house.
He can either tell his mum 'no' or just give the stuff to charity without telling her.

Don't enable him to be your mums victim.

Original poster

TheLoneWolfDies · 28/04/2019 22:46

SavingSpaces thank you so much for that, I'm almost in tears after reading thay because you are abseloutley right! I didnt see it like that I just saw it as I don't want him upset and frustrated.

He brought over the gift on easter sunday, it hasnt been touched. DP sent a message to say that it, and any presents sent in the future will be donated. She replyed quickly with a long, senseless message and he blocked her.

My brother desperatly needs some help, due to the lack of support hes gotten for his aspergers he really doesn't function well mentally. He has had an extremely difficult life since my mother kicked him out at the age of 19, i was 14 and couldn't help him. He ended up in a house with friends where my dad came down weekly to bring him shopping, help him prepare dinners and clean etc but when my dad passed away 2 years later he was on his own and wound up homeless and in hostels for 2 or 3 years.

All through this my mother never helped him, often refused to speaaak to him, told me off when I cooked him dinner (I have been pretty much independent since I started working at 15) or washed his clothes. Yet I have never been able to make him see her true colours. If it was up to ne he'd have no contact with her at all because shes poison, but whatever I say he will tell me to stop being horrible so I've given up trying.

Sorry for the long ramble I must really need to get stuff off my chest, it felt great writing all of that down, I just feel so angry at her.

OP posts:

Gth1234 · 28/04/2019 22:50

Just accept the gift.

If you like it, great.

Omzlas · 28/04/2019 23:11

"Just accept the gift"

Seriously? Have you actually read the OP or any updates???

Original poster

TheLoneWolfDies · 29/04/2019 16:01

Seymour i think you may be projecting a bit there because that long winded post has abseloutly nothing to do with my question and is totally irrelevent.

Perhaps pop up a thread and discuss what you want to discuss elsewhere.

OP posts:

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