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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reject a gift for my son?

72 replies

TheLoneWolfDies · 16/04/2019 14:43

I am completley NC with my mum since a couple of weeks after my son was born.

My brother sent me a text yesterday asking me if he could drop around on easter to which i obviously said yes, to come for dinner. He told me my mum has a present for the baby that he was bringing with him.

I feel really torn, I can't tell my brother not to bring it. He has Aspergers and the situation with me and my mum stresses him out. He doesn't want to take sides and he doesn't want any information about it he just wants everyone to be friendly.

I could, in theroy tell him no, but its unfair to him to expect him to tell her hes not bringing it. Shes extremely controlling and maniphlative, she asks him to text me and tells him to bring my child around to her despite me telling her she is not going to be part of his life due to her mental and sometimes physical abuse towards me growing up.

I guess my question is what the hell do I do with it? The last time she sent something it was an outfit that I threw in the back of his wardrobe and he never wore. I don't want her gifts but I also don't want the agro. My son is almost 6 months old so he has no clue.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 16/04/2019 18:33

I would send it back, unopened. If you keep it, she will think DS has used it, which I assume you don't want her to. You could maybe include a note saying please don't send any future gifts, as they will be taken straight to the charity shop.

Seymoursyourfriend · 16/04/2019 18:44

I'm confused 🤔 Why can't your baby accept a gift from his grandmother? Your feud with your mother has nothing to do with a baby. Unless there's more to the story than you are letting on.

Either way do you think your mum buying gifts for her grandchild is holding out a truce?

Without further info nobody can advise....

Why are you depriving your dc of having a relationship with his grandmother? Further info is required. Sorry!

ImHastingsDarling · 16/04/2019 18:47

Seymour going NC with a parent is very rarely a decision taken lightly. The op will have her reasons. If op doesn't see the woman as fit enough to be involved in a mothering role why the hell would op let her fill a grandmother role?!

DoctorDread · 16/04/2019 18:49

Seymour you clearly have never had a relationship with a toxic narcissist! Normal rules don't apply. OP's mother has no rights to her DS. People like this thrive on any kind of contact. Why do people expect survivors of these toxic relationships to continue to bend over backwards and 'play nice'?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 16/04/2019 18:56

You have to tackle this hard now.

Accept this one and Mail it back with a note.

Then sit your brother down calmly and explain that he must not accept any more gifts and that if she wants to give a gift he must / should tell she needs to post them and he can’t help.

He has Aspergers it’s not likely he is totally incapable.

Seymoursyourfriend · 16/04/2019 18:58

Seymour you clearly have never had a relationship with a toxic narcissist

Wanna bet??

MorningRichie · 16/04/2019 19:12

Almost what Horseman has just said, but tell your brother that if he wants to visit his nephew, then under no circumstances must he bring any presents from her.

I'm sure he's capable of understanding.

Original poster
TheLoneWolfDies · 16/04/2019 19:13

Seymore unfortunatley its not as simple as that. If it were i would avoid all of this and allow her access. But I cant and wont allow abusive people in my sons life. Regardless of blood.

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 16/04/2019 19:17

I'm confused 🤔 Why can't your baby accept a gift from his grandmother? Your feud with your mother has nothing to do with a baby. Unless there's more to the story than you are letting on.

I don’t think you’re confused at all. I think you’re stirring. The child is TWO, for God’s sake. He won’t even remember his grandmother. Why should the OP have to involve her mother in her life for the sake of a child who doesn’t have a clue who the woman is?

OP - you have to tell your brother to stop. At the moment you’re trying to square a circle. You don’t want to tell him to stop for fear of upsetting him, but you don’t want to contact your mother to tell her to stop for fear of reopening the lines of communication. You’re worried that by donating the items, she’ll think you’re keeping them. I get it - I’m in a not dissimilar situation. But you can’t have all three, unfortunately; and I think being honest with your brother is the best path.

MillyMollyMandie · 16/04/2019 19:18

Your mum was downright nasty to take advantage of your brothers disability by involving him in her manipulation.

What would I do with the present? Well I think I would have to do whatever is best for your brother. As wrong as that may be. But I’d also write to my mum and say - don’t ever do it again.

Original poster
TheLoneWolfDies · 16/04/2019 19:19

Morning he can understand however he doesnt get where I am coming from. Hes extremely loyal her. She is unbelievably mentally abusive and he cant see it or chooses not to Im not really sure.

Its more a case of I feel its not worth stressing him out.

OP posts:
MorningRichie · 16/04/2019 19:26

He doesn't need to get where youre coming from. He just needs to get that he doesn't bring presents

Cherrysoup · 16/04/2019 19:27

Take it off him, donate asap. Tell him not to bring more. He has Aspergers, he's not stupid. He knows you're NC with your mother. He won't be amazed.

Claw01 · 16/04/2019 19:28

OP how difficult. The only way to not involve your brother, is to take it up directly with your mum.

Richmond1972 · 16/04/2019 19:54

to me accepting means youre saying its ok. i would post it back to her. rinse and repeat everytime she sends something

S1naidSucks · 16/04/2019 19:59

I agree with the other posters. Post it right back. If she decides to complain to your brother, then that’s on her.

Spinnaret · 16/04/2019 20:06

Another voice saying send it back. No note, nothing of yourself. Explain to your brother after he brings it that you will be doing so and that he should not agree to bringing things from her again. He doesn't need to understand why you don't want a relationship, just that he must not bring things from her.

Seymoursyourfriend · 17/04/2019 05:13

I don’t think you’re confused at all. I think you’re stirring. The child is TWO, for God’s sake. He won’t even remember his grandmother. Why should the OP have to involve her mother in her life for the sake of a child who doesn’t have a clue who the woman is

The child is nearly 6 months old. It says in Ops first post. How would a 6 month old baby know who bought his clothes/toys?

fluorescentorange · 17/04/2019 05:42

I am NC with my parents but I took gifts for my DC and when they were old enough they would write and thank her, I didn’t think I had the right to make those decisions on my DC behalf as they grew up. I told them exactly what my parents had done and let them make their own decisions as to whether they made contact or not. 1 never has but the other has been ‘taking one for the team’ if there is a family event etc and will send them cards etc
My DC are 27 and 25
I do think you need to let your DC make their own decisions once they are old enough to make an informed choice. My DD knows that she isn’t to discuss my private affairs with any family and she respects this.

HennyPennyHorror · 17/04/2019 05:42

Oh yes..post it back. No return address. That's the ideal solution. She will see you're not playing her games.

She's trying to use your brother to get to you.

HennyPennyHorror · 17/04/2019 05:43

Orange

Of course you have the right as a parent to decide on whether an abusive person has contact with your child!

Related or not. If a person is abusive, then no contact is the responsible thing to do for your child.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 17/04/2019 06:19

Post it back

This type of personality uses gifts as a form of control.

She may in future be telling people about how ungrateful you are, all the presents she’s given you and no thank you letters etc.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 17/04/2019 06:19

I would add a neutral polite note asking not to give presents in the future.

JenniferJareau · 17/04/2019 06:49

I'd post it back, no need for a note. The returned present is enough of a message by itself.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 17/04/2019 08:30

The child is nearly 6 months old. It says in Ops first post. How would a 6 month old baby know who bought his clothes/toys?

That makes it even more ridiculous that you would suggest maintaining a grandparent-grandchild relationship because ‘the baby hasn’t fallen out with your mother’. A baby who can’t even say ‘nana’ isn’t going to be traumatised by not having her in his life.