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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel shamed

69 replies

ShinyShoe · 16/04/2019 12:02

by my DH every time we socialise lately?

We've been married a long time and have small kids. Things have been difficult over the last couple of years but we've had marriage counselling and are working through things. I'm prepared to be told I'm being over-sensitive and mostly when he makes shitty remarks/comments I just gloss over it or ignore but I'm feeling shamed? Maybe. I'm not sure. I just feel really annoyed lately when he says something wrong/inconsiderate to me or about me when we are out with friends in social situations. I've noticed that other peoples DHs don't do that. they might rant about politics or other people but they don't say shitty/shamey things about their spouses in front of others? Its happened 4 times over the last 3 social occasions in the last couple of weeks. All different occasions and different friends. For example, yesterday we were all chit chatting about holidaying with parents/in laws and he started talking about my mother, how diffficult, aggressive, angry, loud she is and that "explains why ShamuShamu is the way she is" taken aback I then glossed over it and made a jokey comment about my family been like a big italian family and you have to fight your ground which isn't actually true anyway. Nobody dwelled on it and conversation carried on but I'm left thinking WTF? It feels that he's writing a narrative that isn't actually true about me and my personality? Does that make sense? Can anyone throw any light on this? My friends and family tell me how kind and lovely I am. I have friends that I've known for many many years. I hate confrontation so I'm not an aggressive type at all! In fact my family tell me I should stand up for myself more! My kids come to me and my DH tells me I am a pushover with them and mollycoddle them so I'm not sure how that fits at all with this angry/aggressive narrative?!! Anyway, its not the content of the remarks thats important really as they are all different content/narrative. Comments about me being a bad parent, angry, lazy etc...its the fact that he's making them in public? Has anybody else had this and can anyone advise? Its impossible to bring this up with him because he then goes into defense mode. I'm being difficult and accusatory or he didn't say it or mean it like that. Any advice would be very gratefully received.

OP posts:
Mumminmum · 16/04/2019 12:04

It sounds like he doesn't love you anymore. Maybe it is time to get your ducks in a row.

JaneyJimplin · 16/04/2019 12:06

It sounds like he doesn't like you very much. Sorry.

FilledSoda · 16/04/2019 12:13

Yanbu.
I think it's shaming demeaning and cruel.
Do you ask him afterwards why he said this or that ?
Do you tell him how hurt you are?
I'd be tempted to stop glossing over it with some Italian family excuse and just say nothing , see how people react to him.
It won't have gone unnoticed by your friends , they must think he's awful.
Let them think that , don't make it easier for him . I'd be silent the next time .

Damntheman · 16/04/2019 12:24

He's constantly ripping you down in front of everyone else and it's not even slightly okay! Don't accept it OP.

When you bring it up to him try pre-scripting it beforehand so it's easier to stick to a non-confrontational narrative. "What you're doing makes me feel embarrassed and hurt." "When you do this I feel belittled and hurt" etc etc. Always "this makes me feel" rather than "this is", it's a lot harder to argue against 'this made me feel'. End your statement with "I need you to stop doing this."

If he won't accept that he needs to stop doing something that hurts you then he is not someone you should want in your life. Not someone you should want your kids watching him treat you like that.

Damntheman · 16/04/2019 12:26

Perhaps next time he does it in public call him out on it. Currently he's getting away with it because you don't want to make a scene. But calmly and firmly say "That was a cruel thing to say." or "did you mean to be so cruel to me?" See if that'll snap him out of it, your friends likely find the whole thing uncomfortable already. I know I would if my friend's husband did this to her in front of me! Make it his problem.

MrsTWH · 16/04/2019 12:31

I had an ex who behaved like this. He is an ex for a reason! It was clear we just didn’t like each other and were flogging a very dead horse. It’s not acceptable behaviour. You either have to call it out or get rid of him OP.

Dvg · 16/04/2019 12:40

I agree it sounds like the love is gone :S it isn't normal to make remarks like that in public.

Gin96 · 16/04/2019 12:40

He’s doing it to boost his low self esteem, I think he’s jealous of you, you’re probably the one everyone is drawn to and he feels he has to put you in a bad light to make himself shine. Can you get someone to film it at a family event and show his behaviour back to him or he will just deny it and say you are being over sensitive or it’s only a joke but his facial expressions will show its not a joke.

Bluntness100 · 16/04/2019 12:47

My husband does a bit of this. He will say oh blunt does this, or blunt did that, when I did no such thing. I simply call him out on it there and then, and also later.

He also does it with the house, so he says things like we live right under the flight path, eh no we don't. Not even close, or at the weekend he was going on about how plants don't grow as we get no sun, this is also bullshit and most of the garden is south facing, and everything grows like wildfire.

I find it all a bit odd, and I simply deal with it at the time. Which can be a bit awkward as then it's like a mini domestic in front of people. I think he tries to not show off, and I think that's fine, but say the real negatives, don't make shit up.

Original poster
ShinyShoe · 16/04/2019 13:13

I struggle with calling him on it in the moment. I’m like a rabbit in the headlights. If I do answer back I go red, sweat and feel very uncomfortable and feel like I’m making a show of myself?!? I was chatting to a friend of mine about her kids and how she manages their screen time and was praising her because she’s got it nailed and she’s a wonderful lady who I like very much. So I said something along the lines of wishing I could get mine to do that and he jumped in and said “be a parent”. WTF? So I said back “no. You be a parent” which is mortifying and a ridiculous response but in that moment I just freeze or laugh it off. Every time I respond I make myself sound like an idiot! My self confidence is on the floor!!

OP posts:
TheDarkPassenger · 16/04/2019 13:15

My bloody mother does this to me!! Sometimes she fully makes things up too! She can’t wait to tell everybody we meet that she lent me money 17 years ago. I just get on with it cos it’s my mam but I’d be devastated if my partner started doing it! That’s w hole different kettle of fish. Can you speak with your marriage counsellor about this?

Damntheman · 16/04/2019 13:22

OP the key to managing to respond in the moment is to practice! The first time you say it your adrenaline will be through the roof, but each subsequent time will come easier and easier. Start practicing with yourself in the mirror, say it out loud - it will make a difference!

Original poster
ShinyShoe · 16/04/2019 13:22

I will definitely speak to the counsellor about it. It’s one of the reasons I’ve written here. I’m going to show him this post.

OP posts:
HBStowe · 16/04/2019 13:23

YANBU. I have a lovely friend and her fiancé does this to her all the time. He constantly pulls her up on things she says or laughs at her or tells stories to show that she’s lazy or stupid. She and I and another friend of ours are lawyers who met in private practice. Lovely friend then went to work in house for a charity and he never stops making comments about how she wasn’t cut out for private practice / couldn’t hack the hours etc. It’s shitty and we really hate him for it (not least because it’s absolute untrue bullshit).

I assume he does it to make himself feel superior but it’s a horrible trait and I really wouldn’t blame her if she decided to ditch him over it. I wouldn’t blame you either if you felt the same...

Original poster
ShinyShoe · 16/04/2019 13:23

Can I ask if people think this is like a Tourette’s thing he’s got going on? Or is it just bad manners or is it because I don’t tell him off or is it really a lack of respect/love?

OP posts:
Damntheman · 16/04/2019 13:25

I don't know enough about tourettes to say if it is or if it isn't unfortunately.

I suspect, however, that it's just bad manners and he's pulling you down to make himself look better. He's doing it because he can and because he gets away with it. BUT this does NOT make his behaviour your fault!

Jengnr · 16/04/2019 13:28

Tbh, I think it’s because he’s a cunt. He’s the reason your confidence is on the floor.

Don’t show him this post. Start preparing your exit. You don’t need to live like this.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 16/04/2019 13:28

Can I ask if people think this is like a Tourette’s thing he’s got going on?

I dont understand your question here at all. Tourettes is an illness.

CoisNaFarraige · 16/04/2019 13:33

This is like my xh. Drawn to my empathy, optimism, warmth, tolerance and lack of judgemement .... but then repulsed by what he later saw as unfair, ie, that I got by despite the "chaos", eccentricity and cavalier attitude to structure and rules. He wanted to have my people kills but in the end he saw me as worthless and hated that i could 'make' people like me. He didnt see it as consistent or authenticity. He 100% projected and saw it as my manipulation of others!! He constantly de valued me too towards the end. In public. In private. Financially. Practically. Emotionally.
He grew to hate what he at first valued. Weird.

Comtesse · 16/04/2019 13:33

Don’t show him this post. No good can come of it. Raise with the counsellor for sure.

In terms of response how about a nice bland “sorry what was that you said? What do you mean?”. Not starting a fight but not just letting it go either.

CoisNaFarraige · 16/04/2019 13:34

No tourettes is not whole. Sentences. Not whole derogatory sentences.

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/04/2019 13:38

If you do show him, this is for him:

OP’s H, stop being so demeaning and nasty. You’re embarrassing yourself and I have no doubt your friends think you’re a complete prick when you undermine and hurt your partner like this.

You should be ashamed. Grow the fuck up.

CoisNaFarraige · 16/04/2019 13:39

I agree with Comtesse. Dont let it go he is creating a narrative where he puts up with you. Dont walk in to that by saying that you have to defend yrslf in an italian family. If he says "you know what shamu is like again'', illuminate the battlefield by saying something like "feeling confused!" Or floodlight the pitch by saying "what is shamu like, putting up with being publicly shamed!? I feel a doormat right now".

Re write his natrative that you are impossible as i feel he perceives anybody who doesnt instantly back down to be impossible, and that is how he is painting you in public.

EKGEMS · 16/04/2019 13:43

You don't have to start world war 3 with your husband but you sure as well should expect nothing less than civility and respect from your partner-if nothing else than to show your children love and kindness in relationships! Talk to him in private demand to know why he is acting a fool! Don't be a doormat

Lifeisabeach09 · 16/04/2019 13:43

He is belittling you.

You can either call him on it in public each time he does it so that he changes his behaviour or you can end the marriage and not deal with his crap.

Your passiveness is allowing his shitty behaviour to continue.

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