to feel shamed

[ShinyShoe]

by my DH every time we socialise lately?

We've been married a long time and have small kids. Things have been difficult over the last couple of years but we've had marriage counselling and are working through things. I'm prepared to be told I'm being over-sensitive and mostly when he makes shitty remarks/comments I just gloss over it or ignore but I'm feeling shamed? Maybe. I'm not sure. I just feel really annoyed lately when he says something wrong/inconsiderate to me or about me when we are out with friends in social situations. I've noticed that other peoples DHs don't do that. they might rant about politics or other people but they don't say shitty/shamey things about their spouses in front of others? Its happened 4 times over the last 3 social occasions in the last couple of weeks. All different occasions and different friends. For example, yesterday we were all chit chatting about holidaying with parents/in laws and he started talking about my mother, how diffficult, aggressive, angry, loud she is and that "explains why ShamuShamu is the way she is" taken aback I then glossed over it and made a jokey comment about my family been like a big italian family and you have to fight your ground which isn't actually true anyway. Nobody dwelled on it and conversation carried on but I'm left thinking WTF? It feels that he's writing a narrative that isn't actually true about me and my personality? Does that make sense? Can anyone throw any light on this? My friends and family tell me how kind and lovely I am. I have friends that I've known for many many years. I hate confrontation so I'm not an aggressive type at all! In fact my family tell me I should stand up for myself more! My kids come to me and my DH tells me I am a pushover with them and mollycoddle them so I'm not sure how that fits at all with this angry/aggressive narrative?!! Anyway, its not the content of the remarks thats important really as they are all different content/narrative. Comments about me being a bad parent, angry, lazy etc...its the fact that he's making them in public? Has anybody else had this and can anyone advise? Its impossible to bring this up with him because he then goes into defense mode. I'm being difficult and accusatory or he didn't say it or mean it like that. Any advice would be very gratefully received.

My dad did this to my mum and none of us have ever understood why. It really ground her down. Sometimes we thought it was him trying to be funny because some of it was just out-and-out lies. For example, mum talking about difficulty losing weight to friends and dad would say "that's cause you're always stuffing your face with biscuits". It was so outrageous because it just simply wasn't true, mum never ate biscuits ever!! And of course, what do you say in that situation? Anything either looks like you're lying and trying to be defensive or else it might turn into a public fight. I have no answers, other than my dad had very little social awareness and was also uncomfortable in social situations and was just looking for things to say. You're doing the right thing trying to get to the bottom of it because it caused a lot of hurt. I'm sorry your husband is doing this because I know how hurtful it was. Incidentally dad never, or very rarely, stood up for mum in public either.

Thanks everyone. Think I’ve tolerated so much over the years that I’ve lost all perspective of what’s normal!

If he's always been like this then that's one thing, but it sounds like it's only been happening (regularly) recently, and that's a whole other thing.

Next time a social event is arranged, speak to him before you go. Tell him that comments he's made at recent events have upset you and made you feel embarrassed and uncomfortable in front of your friends. Be prepared to give examples. He will probably then start justifying why he said it / that he is right. Your answer to that is "Whether it's right or wrong is irrelevant - it's upsetting and embarrassing me in front of our friends. We are a couple - we should have each others' backs. If you want to criticise me, do it at home, but in public please defend me, don't attack me."

If he starts when you're out, say "You're doing that thing again." Or set up a code word beforehand which you can use to point it out. If he continues doing it, that is definitely a sign that he is checking out of the relationship and is trying to paint you as the bad person so he can feel justified in ending it. Sorry.

Don't show him this thread.

@ShamuShamu Do not show him this thread!

It never works, OPs instead find that the person they are writing about just calls us bitter women, harpies, etc, and dismisses anything we write. Even if we are right!

You say things have been difficult over the last couple of years. Is there any possibility of an affair? It's just that this re-writing of you as a crap parent, person, etc, might be him trying to justify an affair because you've been re-written into a "bad person" in his head.

I've met some people who can cheat with abandon, acknowledging their unknowing spouse is a great person, while a couple of others I know needed some form of "reason" to give themselves "permission" to cheat, even though it was all made up in their heads.

I think the phrase 'What do you mean by that?' is your in the moment go to response.

Requires no spontaneous imagination and that way you force him to either dig his hole deeper and actually develop his criticism of you (at which point it can't be brushed off as a casual joke) or try to paint what he just said in a better light, but at least you are calling him out on it there and then as often as it happens.

He wouldn't be so nasty to his worm colleagues, or his boss, etc, so why is it ok for hi to speak to you like you're so much shit under his shoe? That's not ok, op.

*work

Next time you go out leave him behind. He sounds nasty and horrible to be around. Are you getting anything out of this relationship? You deserve someone who thinks you're lovely and treats you accordingly.

No he's just rude and thinks it makes him look better to put you down, it doesn't. Rehearse a quick putdown and let him have it every single time.

Discussing it with the counsellor is a good idea. Showing your DH this thread, isn't a good idea.
Rather than glossing over his comments, do try to call him on them. It needn't be confrontational eg if he says 'it explains why Shamu is the way she is' just smile and say, 'what do you mean?' He either has to dig himself a hole or back down. He's relying on you not calling him out and on it flying below the radar with your friends.

So when he said, 'be a parent'. I'd have said, 'I am a parent' with a laugh and looked to friends for affirmation. No-one else will be mean to you. The friends in earshot will be on your side and be supportive.

Pulling his behaviour into the light will mean he either has to re-assess and stop it or double down and show everyone he's a git. He's much more likely to choose the first option.

Try to remember he is only embarrassing himself when he acts like this. He isn't embarrassing you no matter what he thinks.

In the short term I'd try and change the way you react to this when it happens. Don't say anything, just sit there.

If you react it moves the conversation forward, taking the shine off it and it turns it into an argument, that is two ways. It then just seems like sniping between you.

By not responding or jumping in, it allows the comment to sit, and it holds more power. The awkwardness, or reaction from others may highlight to him how severe this is.

You don't need to defend yourself or your parenting in front of your friends, they know and love you.

The time to address his remarks is at the time he makes them. After the event he will deny or minimise or say it was a joke etc. When he makes a comment such as "Be a parent", my response would be to laugh and say "Why would you say that?" Put him on the spot. You could forewarn him and say, "If you try to embarrass or insult me tonight I will call you out on it, so please don't, ok?".

He sounds truly awful op!! Please don't let him treat you like this any more.

Does he drink a lot? I ask because my friend's DH is like this and he's a pisshead.

My husband was like this or just completely detached when he was going through his Midlife Crisis. Wasn't about me at all - it was all about him. Your husband doesn't sound as if he likes himself very much to me and if you've been together for a long time, by extension, you.

Things have been difficult over the last couple of years but we've had marriage counselling and are working through things

Sorry Shamu, it sounds like you're trying to work through things, but not him.

Think I’ve tolerated so much over the years that I’ve lost all perspective of what’s normal!

Then let me tell you so's you're in no doubt. What he's doing is shitty and not normal.

Couples/marriage counselling only works if both partners want the marriage to succeed, and both partners are prepared to change and to make the effort.

You are, he isn't. Call him out on it every time, however hard you find that, and be prepared to acknowledge that the relationship may be over. Not because you gave up on it, but because he doesn't care. He's using you as a verbal punchbag and getting some strange satisfaction from it.

He really doesn't sound very nice at all. Tell your counsellor at your next session, if they're not shocked I'd be very surprised.

My dh and I went to Relate many years ago how and dh was really astonished to discoverr how shocked our counsellor was at his behaviour.

I have seen this happen to friends and sadly everyone will.also see it. Its a vile way to be treated and shows a huge lack of respect. I would refuse to socialise with him until its addressed. You could address this in your counselling. Stand up for yourself and refuse to tolerate it. No one deserves that.

Sorry but you need to stop wasting time and money on marriage counselling and invest that money in someone who specialises in divorce. Your husband wants out of this marriage but doesn't have the balls to tell you so he is trying to wear you down until you get to the point where you call time on the marriage instead. Grant him his wish - you'll be better off in the long run. Just out of curiosity - what do your friends do/say when he talks to you like that? I cannot imagine any of mine standing by and saying nothing if that ever happened to me. I wouldn't stay quiet if it happened to them either.

Is it possible he's setting up his narrative now, hinting to friends and acquaintances about how bad you are so that the support will be on his side when you split?

I agree with the posters above, don't brush off what he says, ask him to elaborate, and speak to him in private about it.

I agree you should absolutely not be putting up with this. There are various ways to tackle him. One is direct confrontation:
“That was a rude and cruel thing to say. Please stop it”.
Another is to pretend to be puzzled.
“I don’t understand, DH, what do you mean?”
Force him to spell out his unpleasant comment in detail. Make him squirm in front of your friends, as he has to explain he was saying that you’re aggressive or stupid or a bad parent or whatever.
Another is to challenge his statement:
“Nobody else agrees with you, DH. You seem to be the only one who has a bad opinion of me. What’s your problem?”
Whichever strategy you choose, do it repeatedly and consistently. Don’t let him away with ANY of his abusive remarks. You will either eventually get him trained to behave like a decent human being, or he will crack and reveal his full nasty nature, opening the way for a divorce.

He hasen't got Tourettes (it is a disability), he is nasty and mean, I would seriously consider a future without him in it.

He's an arsehole. It doesn't sound like the counselling is working as I'd bet he isn't engaged and doesn't give a shit. He's being abusive.

Get things sorted and ltb.

Hmm, I realised my otherwise lovely DH, who is normally pretty damn perfect, was doing this to me a little bit every time my mum or DD1 came to stay. I am really close to both of them and in our case I’m pretty sure it was a kind of subconscious jealousy of a relationship he felt a bit out of the loop with.

When I pointed it out to him he was mortified, couldn’t explain himself and has pretty much stopped doing it.

Actually thinking about it, my DF was always very belittling to my DM and I know he was besotted with her and very obsessive and jealous. How is your relationship with your DH normally.