Would I be a bad friend?

[Excuses987]

My friend asked me to look after her ds (10) for the day. Her ds is well known for being rude, badly behaved with her and others etc.

I agreed, as I owed her a favour and planned lots to keep him amused. We made our own pizza, cup cakes, play dough, slime, paints, glue and sticky things. We went swimming, for a walk in the woods, played bat and ball, football in the garden. Board games, cards. The list is endless.

He was hard work! Wants to be doing something continuously, has a really short attention span and is bored after 2 minutes of doing something. If not entertained, for the time it takes to drink a cup of tea, he is doing something he shouldn’t.

He was very well behaved and is a nice boy. However, it cost me £50 in activities/food and I didn’t get a minute to myself all day.

She has now asked me to look after him during school holidays (paid), while she works as ‘you are the only person he is like this with’ and because he is badly behaved, she is running out of child care options and will have to give up work.

Would I be a bad friend to say no?

Not a snowballs chance in hell. Nothing worse than a bratty child.

OP you sound bloody lovely! Very thoughtful and considerate of your friends feelings.

Sorry I am not adding anything to your point (you've already said no so it doesn't matter) but I wanted to say how nice you have come across

pepsi thank you

After this thread, I will try to raise it with her in a very subtle way. Maybe ask how he is getting on school kind of thing. When we do get together for a coffee, we don’t really discuss kids! I don’t want to come across as a know it all, after spending a day with him, because I really don’t know it all! Mum’s usually know their kids best!

I completely understand your decision, but I think it's a bit of a shame that he has no-one (else) who can spend this level of time and attention on him and possibly spot any underlying difficulties that could be addressed. My own dc are preschool age so I don't know the world of 10-year-olds, but in my naive idealistic view it would be nice for him to have a relationship with someone like an aunt/uncle etc.

Yanbu though!

@Excuses987
I agree OP, it's not for you to raise 'has he SEN?' as his parents aren't asking your view. They simply asked you to give up your holiday period to care for him for 8 weeks as c/m and holiday clubs won't take him. That tells them enough.
And...glad to said no, because you didn't want to do it. Doesn't make you a bad friend in any way as that's not a friend's job!
It sounds like you had a lovely day and did her a huge favour. Maybe she will consider a nanny as it sounds like he's better with 1:1 . You're not a registered c/m or Nanny and already have a job and don't want this extra job!

Thank you for offering to pay me for my time but the holidays are my holidays too so I don't want to 'work' I would like to spend time with my children.

OPs children are adults now. She said so in an update. She doesn't need an excuse, this is a ridiculous suggestion to steal her time on holiday break, with minimal effort from his parents for their own child.

Absolutely not. And you have the best excuse in the world--"I don't want to mix business with pleasure." Being a friend is one thing, being a nanny to your friend's kid is another. It is difficult to maintain equality between friends if one is working for the other.

Wow. All that in one day. You need to say no. Will he not watch a favourite Disney film or play computer games or a football club(or any physical activity to blow off steam) even? That sounds like Adhd.

This is why I think nannys and childcare workers are so undervalued. They do what OP do everyday.

OP you sound very lovely. I hope it all works out x

CSIblonde most of what we did was physical. He couldn’t sit and concentrate for longer than 10 minutes, even on an activity. I tried favourite film on TV, that lasted about 5 minutes, before he was bored. Even walking in the woods, football etc he was bored extremely quickly.

I know he can concentrate on electronic devices for lengthy periods at home. I don’t have any.

He was very caring and I could see he was eager to please/impress me and wanted to help to clear stuff away etc.

Maybe he was just excited to be here.

I’ve said no, for various reasons. My friend has replied and is ok with it. Although she did say she didn’t know what she was going to do.

That's good OP. But do ignore her 'i don't know what I'm going to do then' as it is aimed at eliciting guilt and her childcare arrangements really aren't your problem to worry about.

Perhaps she should go to the GP and ask for a referral to rule anything out.

If his behavior is that much of an issue he's been barred from multiple childminders then that may be the case.

That's good, it would be very hard in the 6 week holiday, you are finding it hard after 1 day. She will just have to take unpaid leave or quit her job. Her ds might have undiagnosed sn, does sound like it, sounds a lot like my ds 7 with learning difficulties, dyspraxia, and ADHD. It is hard work even looking after him, but I do it because he is my ds and there is no choice, he is not your ds so you don't have to look after him.

My ds does go to mainstream holiday clubs and he is fine there, which is good for me. His behaviour must be even harder, I do feel sorry for your friend as it cannot be easy, suggest she see the school nurse or GP. How is he like at school? Ds has an EHCP as he is behind academically, and is due to go to a fantastic special school in September for learning difficulties.

Well it doesn't sound like you want to so you just need to work out how to say no.

I would probably tell her that while you enjoyed looking after him in part, it was also exhausting and that it cost you £50 to keep him occupied.

Perhaps offer a compromise (if you want to) by having him for part of a day only. Remember though that you are not obliged to look after him just because he behaves better around you and she is your friend.

I didn’t see any of the behaviour she sees at home, the swearing, the throwing things etc. I did notice the difficulties with reading, attention span, motor skills etc. Which I think are glaringly obvious to anyone, particularly school. They might have already flagged or he might already be getting support in school.

My experience as a parent, I would assume most bad behaviour is out of frustration due to the things he finds difficult. The ‘boredom’ due to things he cannot do well.

As I said earlier my friend has never raised any concerns with me, which makes it difficult for me to raise any and really not my place, particularly after one day. Given my job, I could come across as an unqualified know it all! Which is exactly what I would be!

Next time we have a coffee, I will ask how he is getting on in school, as a friend and point in the right direction, if asked or appropriate.

Excuses those traits: poor attention span, concentration, motor skills, reading etc are what ds struggles with, and his behaviour might be as a result of that. The boredom is due probably because of the poor attention span. She definitely needs to get it checked out.