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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be a bad friend?

93 replies

Excuses987 · 16/04/2019 11:47

My friend asked me to look after her ds (10) for the day. Her ds is well known for being rude, badly behaved with her and others etc.

I agreed, as I owed her a favour and planned lots to keep him amused. We made our own pizza, cup cakes, play dough, slime, paints, glue and sticky things. We went swimming, for a walk in the woods, played bat and ball, football in the garden. Board games, cards. The list is endless.

He was hard work! Wants to be doing something continuously, has a really short attention span and is bored after 2 minutes of doing something. If not entertained, for the time it takes to drink a cup of tea, he is doing something he shouldn’t.

He was very well behaved and is a nice boy. However, it cost me £50 in activities/food and I didn’t get a minute to myself all day.

She has now asked me to look after him during school holidays (paid), while she works as ‘you are the only person he is like this with’ and because he is badly behaved, she is running out of child care options and will have to give up work.

Would I be a bad friend to say no?

OP posts:
ZaZathecat · 16/04/2019 13:03

I wouldn't make excuses, just say you had a great day with him but (as she probably knows) it was quite exhausting and you couldn't do it regularly.

LazyLizzy · 16/04/2019 13:06

I wouldn't do it. She will have to find another solution.

Don't let her guilt trip you by saying she will have to give up work.

That's not your problem.

She will need to find a childminder or club that can cope with him.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 16/04/2019 13:11

Have the school not had conversations with her about him. My DS is extremely similar in some of his behaviours and his school were talking to us about him and encouraging us to get a referral within months of him starting there. (He was diagnosed with ASD.)

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/04/2019 13:11

NO, NO, NO! Dont do it - unless you want the agro, its up to you.

justilou1 · 16/04/2019 13:11

No way! The therapy alone would cost you more... Factor in the home repairs and the wine... You'd be in the negatives.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 16/04/2019 13:16

Yanbu. I have one of those children and find it really difficult to find childcare.

My friends have helped out when I’ve been desperate, but I’m the first to know how mich hard work she is. I would never have been upset if my friends said they couldn’t help out. If she’s a good friend she’ll understand if you say no

Purpletigers · 16/04/2019 13:20

It’s sounds like the child has some underlying issues . Has she taken him to the gp and asked for a referral?
In you situation I’d tell her the truth , you can manage him but it’s exhausting and you don’t want to do it .

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 16/04/2019 13:21

No, not a bad friend. She shouldn't have put you on the spot like that. My son has ASD and he is similar hard work, in fact he is worse, but I'd never in a million years ask a friend to look after him for more than a one off/few hours in an emergency.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 16/04/2019 13:22

He may have ADHD, dyslexia or even a vision problem. My son has ASD but no ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia or vision impairments. By contrast, DD2 who is a dream behaviourally has visual dyslexia and dyspraxia.

Mitzimaybe · 16/04/2019 13:27

Not sure if anyone has mentioned it but you may need to register as a childminder for your friend to pay you for looking after her DS (unless you are looking after him in his own home, which I think counts as babysitting.)

ahtellthee · 16/04/2019 13:28

I wouldn't. Every now and again I'd find but I would find it a massive drain on the friendship.

Serialweightwatcher · 16/04/2019 13:28

Definitely say no ... she needs to teach him properly so that childminders will have him or get him assessed if she thinks there's a problem, but you shouldn't have to deal with him for such a long period - you'll exhaust yourself

Drum2018 · 16/04/2019 13:32

Not a chance. And don't offer to help out in emergencies either as she will make every day an emergency. Simply say no, I'm not open to childminding.

Original poster
Excuses987 · 16/04/2019 13:37

minister sorry I missed the part about home life. My impression is he is very much loved and well cared for. But labelled as ‘naughty’. He is spoiled, in he has every electronic device under the sun, latest games, latest everything. At home, I am told he is rude, swears, winds everyone up deliberately, throws things, sulks etc.

Whenever I have visited, he is on a electronic device of some kind. Not a judgment at all, having had him for the day, this is probably the only peace she gets! I longed for an electronic device Grin

He is not diagnosed with anything. My opinion would be it seems likely. School haven’t raised any concerns with her as far as I know. However I think she would be offended at any suggestion.

His reading was very poor during a board game and his motor skills for fiddly stuff and painting. He told me he is ‘rubbish’ at spelling and reading. Very short attention span and fidgety. Very ‘clumsy’ too, knocking things over etc. But I’m not an expert.

The poster who asked do I have kids, work etc. My kids are grown up. I work in a school and get school holidays off.

Anyhow, I’m decided the answer will be no.

OP posts:
Whodafeck · 16/04/2019 13:38

I wouldn’t even do emergencies. Every day would end up an emergency

Holidayshopping · 16/04/2019 13:40

Anyhow, I’m decided the answer will be no.

Good for you! If you work in a school, the last thing you need is to be doing more work looking after another child in your holidays! That would be my reason too.

Just out of interest, what did you say when she suggested it? Does she think it’s a done deal?

BumbleBeee69 · 16/04/2019 13:41

Good, don't let her guilt trip you into this OP. Flowers

Original poster
Excuses987 · 16/04/2019 13:43

holiday sorry, when I suggested what?

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 16/04/2019 13:45

I didn’t say you suggested anything.

I asked what you said when she suggested you looked after her child?

EarlyWarning · 16/04/2019 13:48

Unless you are a qualified childminder with first aid training, and up to date with Ofsted inspections, then you can't look after children and receive payment for it. If something went wrong, where would you be then?

Original poster
Excuses987 · 16/04/2019 13:49

Oh I see! Sorry I read that wrong!

She messaged me asking, I replied saying I would think about it and get back to her.

OP posts:
OffToBedhampton · 16/04/2019 13:51

You already have your answer. You can't, it's too much and you found it exhausting just for the one day. Just say that.

Your friend knows she can't expect this of you and that she's over reaching. Her child is her responsibility. If she can't work as she has no childcare that will accept him, then that is what it is. This is not your child nor your job. She might have to organise a Nanny if he needs 1:1

Others are right, you cannot childmind for payment like that, as you're not registered to.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/04/2019 13:52

I woulden't it would be very hard work. It is a long holiday, it is a big ask of you. He is needing constant entertaining which costs a lot of time and money, I don't think what she will pay you is worth that. My 7 year old ds sounds the same, he is dyspraxic, with some ADHD (diagnosed by Paed), I put him into holiday club for a couple of days a week during the holidays as it is hard work. I would not want to look after other people's kids like ds. DD who is 12 and has Autism and learning difficulties is so much easier.

Original poster
Excuses987 · 16/04/2019 13:53

Early I had not even considered the legality of it all. Any payment would have only covered the cost of his expenses anyway. I’ve decided not to do it.

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 16/04/2019 13:55

What does she normally do in the holidays?

I am a teacher and enjoy every second of my holidays. There is no way would I want to provide childcare for someone else’s child -I’d be on my knees!