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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be a bad friend?

93 replies

Excuses987 · 16/04/2019 11:47

My friend asked me to look after her ds (10) for the day. Her ds is well known for being rude, badly behaved with her and others etc.

I agreed, as I owed her a favour and planned lots to keep him amused. We made our own pizza, cup cakes, play dough, slime, paints, glue and sticky things. We went swimming, for a walk in the woods, played bat and ball, football in the garden. Board games, cards. The list is endless.

He was hard work! Wants to be doing something continuously, has a really short attention span and is bored after 2 minutes of doing something. If not entertained, for the time it takes to drink a cup of tea, he is doing something he shouldn’t.

He was very well behaved and is a nice boy. However, it cost me £50 in activities/food and I didn’t get a minute to myself all day.

She has now asked me to look after him during school holidays (paid), while she works as ‘you are the only person he is like this with’ and because he is badly behaved, she is running out of child care options and will have to give up work.

Would I be a bad friend to say no?

OP posts:
Original poster
Excuses987 · 16/04/2019 14:00

holiday she has been been through numerous childminders. The latest telling her she could not have him anymore due to his behaviour. I assume as he won’t be the only child they take care of. A couple of holiday scheme type things as well.

OP posts:
OffToBedhampton · 16/04/2019 14:03

That's good @Excuses987

Remember, if she says she doesn't know what else to do, he's still her child and responsibility not yours. And a friend doesn't owe another friend 8 weeks of their lives! You've already done her & her DH an equal favour back. Have you replied yet?

I really think a text of " I can't, it's too much to ask, I found it exhausting caring for DS just for the one day. Good luck, I hope you find a solution, sorry that I am unable to help"

Get it done and dusted.

pictish · 16/04/2019 14:09

No chance!

The odd blue moon day, then ok. A regular arrangement...not a hope in hell. Imagine you decided it was too much and wanted to renege on the arrangement? You’d either have to see it out (nightmare) or she’d be screwed for childcare at short notice.
Far better to politely decline from the outset. Give her time to organise something else. I appreciate that she is finding childcare difficult owing to his behaviour...for me that would be indication enough that I didn’t want to take it on.
Would she do the same for you? I doubt it.

Original poster
Excuses987 · 16/04/2019 14:11

No I haven’t replied yet. I will try to keep it short and not offer to look after in emergencies.

I was truly exhausted after one day! I take my hat off to the parents, who posted their children are diagnosed and are similar Flowers

OP posts:
BiggFactHunt · 16/04/2019 14:15

He sounds just like a 10yr old I know, he has been through all the Childminders and clubs too and been asked to leave all of them.
Well done for putting yourself first OP, you need a break too! Even well behaved children are harder to look after than your own as you have to constantly be on alert with them, let alone looking after this one who sounds like a nightmare.

pictish · 16/04/2019 14:16

“Having given some thought to your request regarding looking after xxx in the holidays I have decided that I won’t be taking that commitment on. As much as I did enjoy my day with him, it was a challenge keeping him occupied and supervised. To be straight with you, I’m not willing to make it a regular arrangement. I’m sorry if you’re disappointed but I’m sure you understand. I hope you are able to make alternative arrangement soon. Xx”

churchthecat · 16/04/2019 14:19

Maybe she needs a bit of tough love?

Could you tell her truthfully that it was too hard, and that you were exhausted? Would she take it ok?

Original poster
Excuses987 · 16/04/2019 14:34

I think she is well aware that his behaviour is exhausting and wouldn’t mind me saying so.

Her request message was implying I know how to manage his behaviour and others didn’t. That’s probably true, as in I had to keep him constantly entertained and have the patience of a saint!

I will reply simply saying sorry it’s not a commitment that I am willing to take on.

OP posts:
CripsSandwiches · 16/04/2019 14:37

I think it's fine for her to ask as long as she accepts your no graciously. Unless you're a childminder there's no reason you'd want to be her childcare beyond emergency help.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/04/2019 14:40

Do you work op? Do you have your own kids to look after too?

OffToBedhampton · 16/04/2019 14:40

Just to remind you OP, your friend has a DH, herself and possibly family. They can arrange their AL separately and use unpaid leave to top up (5 weeks AL each + 3 weeks unpaid between them to cover 13 weeks school holidays) to look after their child, if they can't find paid childcare or family members who want to cover the odd week.
You already work. Teachers do long hours marking and preparing in the evenings and get school holidays off for a reason- to prepare lessons and have the only holiday /leave you are allowed to during the whole year. I don't know any teachers who'd choose to work during their only time off and return to a new term of challenging job exhausted having had no break.

The day you did sounded fab. My DCs would love that but it's not sustainable for even a week, let alone 8!

OffToBedhampton · 16/04/2019 14:44

Sorry, OP, you know full well what teachers do, being one yourself! It's just I'm surprised your friend isn't connecting with that. She only sees you managed him that one day, without realising that it's work,not chilling out at home with your own child, and you already have a full time job.

dustarr73 · 16/04/2019 14:56

I thinks pictish answer is the way to go.Polite and to the point

FilledSoda · 16/04/2019 14:56

You've made the right decision

ElektraUnchained · 16/04/2019 14:58

YANBU at all. If you did this, I would not be surprised if you were ill come September.

Original poster
Excuses987 · 16/04/2019 15:00

Oh I’m not a teacher, sorry if I gave that impression. I’m a support worker for children with SEN in school.

Thank you all for your replies. I have replied to my friend, saying no.

OP posts:
downcasteyes · 16/04/2019 15:02

Honestly, I would have a kind but firm word with your friend because there is clearly a problem here. Her child may have additional needs, and she needs to get this checked out, but he may also need to learn patience and persistence without always getting attention. She sounds like she's doing a terrible job as a mother, and looking to you to solve problems she has created. It's her responsibility to sort this out.

IncrediblySadToo · 16/04/2019 15:05

I’m a support worker for children with SEN in school

That’s not a drip, it’s a waterfall.

FGS do YOU think he has SEN? He certainly sounds like it to me. You should BE a friend and tell her that he needs HELP not labling as ‘naughty’.

PinkGlitter123 · 16/04/2019 15:09

Not at all. Looking after kids is absolutely exhausting.
A one off would be help enough but if she wants something regular she will have to pay out for an experienced nanny or play scheme.

Alwaysgrey · 16/04/2019 15:13

@IncrediblySadToo it’s a very hard thing to do. I have a friend who is a teacher and who has worked with children with autism in specialist units. She insists her dd has nothing but a speech issue when it is very clear it is so much more than just a speech delay. But she won’t hear it and isn’t in a place to accept it. Depending on the friend you could gently suggest but some people really don’t take kindly to it.

VetinarisTerrier · 16/04/2019 15:18

IncrediblySadToo, she is a support worker! It is absolutely not her job to diagnose someone else's child.

Original poster
Excuses987 · 16/04/2019 15:26

incredibly it’s not my place. I support children already diagnosed, it’s not my place to diagnosis, I’m not qualified to do so. I’m not an expert. I have no assess to this child medical/school info and have only spent one day with him.

My friend has no concerns, as far as I’m aware the school haven’t raised any either.

I’ve already said, IMO it’s likely. Working with children with identified SEN doesn’t make me an expert in identifying SEN!

OP posts:
SaltySeagull · 16/04/2019 15:34

If not entertained, for the time it takes to drink a cup of tea, he is doing something he shouldn’t. He was very well behaved and is a nice boy
These two subsequent statements are contradictory. If he’s doing stuff he shouldn’t then no, he’s not well behaved. He sounds very naughty. Whether that’s a result of undiagnosed SEN is for a doctor to decide.

Any payment would have only covered the cost of his expenses anyway
Why would you even consider offering free childcare when there’s absolutely no benefit for you? Say no and direct your friend to her GP to have her child assessed.

boringlyboring · 16/04/2019 15:36

I feel very sorry for himSad That’s not to say it’s your place to look after or diagnose him obvs.

How would you feel about giving your friend a gentle nudge in the right direction atleast? Maybe just saying how you’ve noticed similarities or that you used things you’ve learned in your job to difuse when he’s being ‘naughty’.

It might take a few subtle hints, but it sounds like nobody else (that’s in a position to) is helping him.

Original poster
Excuses987 · 16/04/2019 16:06

salty he was well behaved, if I was keeping him entertained. When I stopped to have a cuppa for example, he picked up the lighter I keep next to candles in the garden and tried flicking it on. Something he shouldn’t be doing. He wasn’t ‘naughty’ as had been described to me.

I felt sorry for my friend, her son and situation. I was considering, to help them out.

I have said no. I won’t be directing anyone, anywhere. If my friend raises concerns with me, I will.

boring it’s tricky. I don’t think my friend would take kindly to suggestions her son may have an undiagnosed condition.

I assume the school would have picked up on his difficulties with reading for example. I could try raising this with her in is he getting any support in school for it.

I fear I would be seen to be interfering, as our relationship is a friendship, not a I know your son well or professional relationship.

OP posts: