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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DH's lie?

62 replies

EssentialHummus · 16/04/2019 07:48

I'll be as brief as possible.

DH took toddler DD abroad for 5 days to his parents'. We spoke/Skyped daily. On Saturday when I called DD was topless (weird for her). She seemed normal, but I noticed that she had a red mark on her arm. I asked DH about it (she has eczema and I thought it was that flaring up), he immediately replied that it was just dodgy video quality at play.

They got back yesterday, when he told me that actually several hours before that call she'd tipped a full hot mug of tea over herself, and the blisters etc on both arms are a result of that.

Now:

  • I feel I should have been told at the time (once he'd put her under cold water/done the immediate thing), if only so that we could both be thinking about any medical treatment needed etc. I find it unnerving that he can just lie like that.
  • I think it's negligent to leave boiling tea in reach of an 18 month old (I use a flask for my coffee if I want it hot, and have done since she was born). I didn't use the word "negligent" to his face but I think this is his fault and that it was entirely foreseeable and preventable. He thinks that I think I'm perfect and that I'm kidding myself. Blazing row followed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 16/04/2019 07:51

He definitely should have told you the truth about what happened on Saturday. Does he usually lie to you about things?

pessimisticstateofperception · 16/04/2019 07:53

I understand why he didn't mention it, she was fine, there was nothing you could do and he was probably just trying to stop you worrying.

Not saying it's right, but I can see why he lied.

Yessiry · 16/04/2019 07:57

Yes he should have told you. But after your reaction (essentially blaming him) I can see why he didn't.

Accidents do happen. He didn't let it happen on purpose and I'll bet he feels bad enough. Don't punish him more, if you will make him feel wrong and judged when he makes mistakes that will really eat into your marriage (from experience!).

You must feel like if you were there it wouldn't have happened, but it did, let that go and focus on being supportive to each other and being there for your DD.

Cherylshaw · 16/04/2019 07:58

Accidents happen i don't think it's neglect in anyway he didn't mean for her to get burned, and i can see why he didn't tell you. She was fine he dealt with it and didn't want you worrying while there was nothing you could do

DocusDiplo · 16/04/2019 08:00

That is horrible..absolutely horrible.

It would make me feel disrespected to the extreme, not part of a team and also my heart would break for my poor DD - not having called her to say I love her immediately afterwards.

So wrong. Grrr. Bet you will be made out to be unreasonable too.

I am guessing this is not the only "issue" you have with him? Is he a good dad and DH in other ways?

GottaGoGottaGo · 16/04/2019 08:05

At first I felt he should have told you at the time, but then reading your over-reaction, I can see why he didn't. There was nothing you could do and there was no point in worrying you. I understand why you are upset, your precious child has been hurt, but your husband was not negligent. Accidents happen... Wait until something happens when you are looking after them and you will feel very differently. Time to start teaching your toddler not to touch things, it's never too early.

NoParticularPattern · 16/04/2019 08:07

I can see why you’re annoyed. We all know that accidents happen, but we take reasonable measures to try not to have any. I wouldn’t leave a mug of tea within reach of my toddler any more than I’d leave a kitchen knife within their reach. Whilst there’s not a lot you can do about it now and I don’t imagine haranguing him for it will do anything to appease the situation, I do agree that he should have had the forethought to realise that mugs of hot liquids and small children don’t mix and put it somewhere else. It would definitely warrant a discussion as to why he didn’t engage brain IMO.

The lying is something else. I appreciate that he probably didn’t want to worry you, that there was nothing you could do etc etc etc but it’s the immediacy and readiness of the lie that would concern me. At the end of the day the only person he was ever protecting with that lie in that moment was himself- DD’s burn didn’t magically get better because he pretended it hadn’t happened and it’s clear you were going to find out at some point so all he was doing was protecting himself from your inevitable questions at that precise moment. I know it sounds dramatic, but if he’s so quick to lie about this then what else would he/does he lie about? I’d struggle to understand what exactly he thought he was gaining from pretending it wasn’t happening when it was clear that you’d have found out at some point anyway. I also don’t think it’s fair for PP to suggest that you are in some way to blame for his lies. At the end of the day he was looking after her when she had a massively preventable accident and then when questioned about something you saw he outright lied. Like it or not, it is his fault and the lying isn’t likely to help how you view it.

Damntheman · 16/04/2019 08:09

Toddlers have the most surprising ability to climb where you didn't think they could, or to reach cups of tea that you'd have sworn were out of reach. He very likely hasn't been negligent, accidents happen and he probably feels bad enough about it without you going finging of blame pointing on him. You need to apologise for this, how would you feel if she got hurt on your watch and his first response was to make you feel worse by blaming you instead of accepting accidents happen? Grief..

But he should have told you at the time, lying about it isn't acceptable - even if I can understand why he would want to avoid the blame train you were obviously going to level at him. Give the guy a break. I hope your daughter is recovering well.

OwlBeThere · 16/04/2019 08:10

He should have told you, but it was an accident and the fact you’re blaming him and being so smug about it, even secretly, is probably partly why and partly not to panic you.

Original poster
EssentialHummus · 16/04/2019 08:22

DD is pretty good as far as toddlers go, but the tea was on the edge of a table and DH turned his back to do something else.

it’s the immediacy and readiness of the lie that would concern me

This is what concerns me. I initially didn't mention the tea thing to him; what I wanted was for him to apologise for lying because I'm now fairly shaken/upset about that. When he didn't I said that actually if one of our friends had said this had happened to them, my response would be that it was preventable etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
EssentialHummus · 16/04/2019 08:25

(Not my verbal response, what I'd be thinking)

OP posts:
Wheresmyvagina · 16/04/2019 08:26

Yep he was negligent and yes he should have told you. I would have a hard time trusting him to take her away again.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/04/2019 08:30

It sounds like he was trying to stop you worrying - and from what you've said, that might have been a good thing? You didn't both need to be thinking about treatment, it was sorted.

I'd have been talking to him about not lying once you noticed the red mark; but I don't think his intentions were bad.

You seem quite eager to blame him, and it was an accident. Most accidents are avoidable. Using a flask for so long is admirable on your part but unrealistic, and toddlers are masters of climbing where you think they can't!

It would make me feel disrespected to the extreme, not part of a team and also my heart would break for my poor DD - not having called her to say I love her immediately afterwards.

Having worked in nurseries for a good few years previously, there are loads of children that this would have made it much worse for. Dad was there, he dealt with it, she was okay. A call from a worried and upset mum that she couldn't see or hug may well have upset her all over again.

ShatnersWigIsActuallyAMammoth · 16/04/2019 08:31

I can totally understand why he didn't tell you until he got back.

I can totally understand why you'd rather he had told you at the time.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/04/2019 08:33

it’s the immediacy and readiness of the lie that would concern me Except it wasn't immediate or ready, was it? They were skyping, he would have thought about it and chosen not to have an argument, with DD is the room, during the holiday.

He didn't mention it as there was no way of heading OP off at the pass over skype, no way of getting DD out of earshot safely!

He fucked up. It happens and, thankfully, DD wasn't hurt more badly. Calm down, tell him he was a twat and he needs to own it and learn from it, not throw out distraction blames and silly comments designed to start a different agrument!

OP also needs to calm down and maybe see why her DH chose to lie! And why he is still refusing to discuss it properly now.

Communication is the biggest cause of marital issues.

jellycatspyjamas · 16/04/2019 08:33

I think you’re overreacting - he is her parent too and perfectly capable of enduring her medical care. His parents were also there on site so could help too, presumably having raised your husband to adulthood. If she has an accident in your care will you be phoning him to ask about medical care or will you just make sure she gets the treatment she needs.

Given your reaction, I don’t blame him for lying about it. There was nothing you could do, at 18 months she’s not going to remember whether mummy phoned to say I love you after an accident and you’ve actually labelled negligent after what is an accident. I’d wait to tell you in person too.

You teach people how to treat you, if you overreact like this every time and expect him to call you about the most basic of parenting decisions you can’t be surprised when he doesn’t tell you stuff.

Iggly · 16/04/2019 08:36

Why would he lie unless he felt guilty or had something to hide?

The OP would have found out, there’s no need to lie about it.

But I would suspect this is a pattern of behaviour. Has he lied before? Have you given him the impression that you don’t trust him on other parenting issues?

Sculpin · 16/04/2019 08:36

I think he should have told you at the time, but I can also understand why he didn't IYSWIM. You were a long way away, he didn't want to worry you, etc.

If everything else is good between you, I would try to put this behind you.

Orlandointhewilderness · 16/04/2019 08:40

TBH I can understand completely why you are fuming, but I do see where he was coming from. The accident had been and gone with, he had dealt with it and it wasn't bad enough to warrant further medical treatment then he probably thought he was doing you a favour by not telling you as you. Its a stupid decision but understandable and going mental at him isn't helping.

Sometimes we all make mistakes OP. You will one day too, believe it or not. It takes a split second and he sure as hell won't do it again. If he is normally a good husband and father then I think you are being unfair to him here.

wombat1a · 16/04/2019 08:43

I suspect he didn't say anything because he was worried about an overreaction from you. It sounds like he did everything needing to be done, had the situation in hand and getting you in involved from a distance wouldn't help at all. He's lied which is wrong, but I can see why.

TacoLover · 16/04/2019 08:45

It was wrong for him to lie but I see why he did since you blamed him. Accidents happen.

BiscuitDrama · 16/04/2019 08:46

I’d be upset at not being told. It’s also possibly negligent, depending how easy the drink was to get at. Toddler would have had to do something pretty clever to get at it.

But I’m wondering what your usual dynamic is? Your flask for hot drinks is an a rather extreme measure.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 16/04/2019 08:47

YABU. He didn’t need to tell you when it happened; there was nothing you could do and he’d dealt with it.

He should have told you when you asked about it, though, but he wasn’t neglectful or negligent. Accidents happen.

Gatehouse77 · 16/04/2019 08:52

Nope, I'd be fine with DH telling me when he got home and, if needed, I could do something about it. I trust him to do the right thing and don't believe that I have some higher ability that renders him incompetent in an emergency. He's an equal parent.

Gatehouse77 · 16/04/2019 08:53

And accidents happen - I was scalded as a 6 month old and there was no negligence involved. Just an accident.

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