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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DH's lie?

62 replies

EssentialHummus · 16/04/2019 07:48

I'll be as brief as possible.

DH took toddler DD abroad for 5 days to his parents'. We spoke/Skyped daily. On Saturday when I called DD was topless (weird for her). She seemed normal, but I noticed that she had a red mark on her arm. I asked DH about it (she has eczema and I thought it was that flaring up), he immediately replied that it was just dodgy video quality at play.

They got back yesterday, when he told me that actually several hours before that call she'd tipped a full hot mug of tea over herself, and the blisters etc on both arms are a result of that.

Now:

  • I feel I should have been told at the time (once he'd put her under cold water/done the immediate thing), if only so that we could both be thinking about any medical treatment needed etc. I find it unnerving that he can just lie like that.
  • I think it's negligent to leave boiling tea in reach of an 18 month old (I use a flask for my coffee if I want it hot, and have done since she was born). I didn't use the word "negligent" to his face but I think this is his fault and that it was entirely foreseeable and preventable. He thinks that I think I'm perfect and that I'm kidding myself. Blazing row followed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
AlaskanOilBaron · 16/04/2019 09:00

I wouldn't be happy about the lie but I'd let it go.

Sounds like he knew he was wrong and was trying to avoid the inevitable. It's not right, but I've certainly lied about stupid things I've done.

IntentsandPorpoises · 16/04/2019 09:10

I'd probably have lied if that was going to be your reaction. In fact I have lied about things to my dh because he similarly overreacts and appoints blame for accidents.

it was an accident, he wasn't negligent, he was human. My daughter stood in a full cup of just boiled tea that I left on the floor when she was younger. It was an accident, I wasn't negligent.

LonelyTiredandLow · 16/04/2019 09:14

The trouble for him is that the lie has made you consider that it was his fault or he thinks it is - which is why he didn't tell you. Really he should have skyped you because of the burn and reassured you.

SonEtLumiere · 16/04/2019 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 16/04/2019 09:23

How is DD now?
I am sure he felt terrible at the time.
In not telling you sooner he was protecting himself (or one of his parents).
A call from a worried and upset mum that she couldn't see or hug may well have upset her all over again.
This makes sense.

stofi · 16/04/2019 09:24

Perhaps it was one of his parents who was a bit careless and he didn't want you to be upset with them, so decided to take the hit himself.

Missingstreetlife · 16/04/2019 09:24

He lied to protect himself from your anger because he knows he was wrong and you would blame him. That was more important to him than getting your opinion on how to help dd. Deal breaker, not because of the accident, hope he will be more careful next time and presume in laws sensible, but lying about it is inexcusable.

Whodafeck · 16/04/2019 09:26

I can see both sides.

If he’d told you, there wasn’t anything you could do and you’d be justifiably angry but blaming him.

I’m sure he’s learnt from it.

The most important thing is that she is fine.

cuppycakey · 16/04/2019 09:33

I think I can see why he chose to tell you about it when he got back to be honest.....

Original poster
EssentialHummus · 16/04/2019 09:55

There was nothing you could do, at 18 months she’s not going to remember whether mummy phoned to say I love you after an accident and you’ve actually labelled negligent after what is an accident. I’d wait to tell you in person too.

What I think would be reasonable is a call/text to say “She’s spilt some hot tea on herself, I put it under cold water, she’s fine, talk later” He can obviously comfort her as well as I can, that isn’t the issue.

You teach people how to treat you, if you overreact like this every time and expect him to call you about the most basic of parenting decisions you can’t be surprised when he doesn’t tell you stuff.

I don’t. I think this was egregious, hence my response.

OP posts:
Original poster
EssentialHummus · 16/04/2019 09:58

Sometimes we all make mistakes OP. You will one day too, believe it or not.

I make as many mistakes as the next parent, but leaving freshly made tea in reach of a toddler is such an obvious risk that it shouldn’t happen. Like a PP, I’d no sooner leave a knife out.

OP posts:
LonelyTiredandLow · 16/04/2019 09:58

The trouble is as soon as you lie (and subsequently get caught in it) you don't get control over the "why" you lied, because the 'victim' knows not to trust you.

Yes, we all lie/white lies etc but it in important situations, such as a child's health, it doesn't help instil trust in the other parent.

Bluntness100 · 16/04/2019 10:01

I think calling him negligent is really really offensive. It was an accident and could have happened at any time on anyone's watch.

Yes he should have told you, but I also can see why he held off till he got back based on your abusive response to him.

jellycatspyjamas · 16/04/2019 10:02

I feel I should have been told at the time (once he'd put her under cold water/done the immediate thing), if only so that we could both be thinking about any medical treatment needed etc.

Except this is what you said, do you have some special knowledge that the three adults with her didn’t have that was vital to her care and treatment. Given your reaction and blaming of him I doubt very much you’d have left it at a quick text message, I don’t blame him for waiting to tell you in person rather than having the conversation by phone with your child present.

And if you think a burn from a cup of tea is egregious, you’ve got a hell of a time ahead of you - speaking as someone who has spent more time in A&E with very active, injury prone children that I’d ever have thought possible.

Acis · 16/04/2019 10:09

You're dripfeeding an awful lot. First it's just a hot cup of tea, then it's a freshly made cup of tea, then it's on the edge of the table.

Can you honestly say, hand on heart, that you've never ever made a mistake or had a moment of inattention that has put your child or, indeed, any child in danger? Unless you can, you can't accuse your DH of negligence.

Original poster
EssentialHummus · 16/04/2019 10:12

And if you think a burn from a cup of tea is egregious

I think leaving hot tea in reach of a toddler is egregious, her injury was minor thank goodness.

He was the only person with her, his parents were out. I don’t have medical experience but I’m another person without a toddler to watch who can google, phone 111, whatever. We have a good friend who is in paeds who I could have called for advice if needed. (And fwiw the NHS guidance he read suggested A&E given the size of the affected area.)

To those who asked how he usually is: generally great, but occasionally he does something really obviously dumb. Previous example on the same theme was, on a flight, asking for a hot tea and drinking it while standing, with DD in a sling on him.

OP posts:
Original poster
EssentialHummus · 16/04/2019 10:14

then it's on the edge of the table.

Someone asked if it was in reach. It was.

OP posts:
53rdWay · 16/04/2019 10:16

Lying was absolutely out of line, and PP saying he was right to lie because you’d have overreacted are making his actions your fault. They’re not. He should have been a grownup and sent you a quick message at the time, not avoided telling you and then lying when directly asked.

Did he get her medical treatment in the end other than immediate first aid? If it’s burnt enough to blister she could do with someone looking at it.

Babdoc · 16/04/2019 10:16

As a general rule, accidents do not
“ happen”.
Accidents are caused.
The main cause is failure to foresee and prevent. In this case, foreseeing that scalding hot liquids are dangerous to toddlers and should never be left unattended in their presence.
OP is probably correct to feel that if she had been present, this accident would not have occurred.
As a mother, she will be distraught at the very thought that her young child has suffered unnecessary pain and injury.
I think DH should have been honest and accepted the blame and a tongue lashing from OP, while promising to learn from it and be more careful in future.
It sounds to me that he was trying to minimise it, hoping the blistering would be less by the time they went home and that there would be no permanent scarring, and he would get less of an earbashing a few days later - ie protecting himself from the consequences of his negligence.

EmiliaAirheart · 16/04/2019 10:17

I’m surprised at the roasting you’re getting here, OP. Boiling hot drinks around inquisitive, active toddlers are just a dumb fucking idea. Point blank. It was entirely preventable at no cost or great effort to the adult involved. Your child got bloody blister burns because of it - no wonder you’re fucked off, compounded by the lying.

I don’t think taking simple precautions makes you a perfect or holier-than-thou parent. Sounds like your husband, and a load of posters here tbh, had a chip on his shoulder and issues of his own.

Isitweekendyet · 16/04/2019 10:17

The tea is not the problem - accidents happen, god knows DS has had his fair issues on my part. Negligent and careless but not unforgivable, it could have easily happened under anyone’s watch, toddlers are like magicians for getting where they shouldn’t.

Lying about it? Downplay it, fine. But to outright lie when you asked? Fuck off to fuck.

It would also incense me that mil knew and I didn’t, don’t keep things from me about my own child!

RUOKHUN · 16/04/2019 10:18

Speaking from someone who works in a specialist burns unit, I would be horrified (not about the tea being spilled that happens ALL the time) - but the burn blistered have you sought medical attention?! Burns without proper first aid can scar badly but also are at huge risk of infection. We are always on the look out for signs of toxic shock syndrome in children with burns.

I would be livid.

CardsforKittens · 16/04/2019 10:19

I think he should have told you at the time. Also, many childhood accidents are caused by negligence and leaving hot drinks in places where toddlers can get scalded by them is potentially negligence.

My daughter stood in a full cup of just boiled tea that I left on the floor when she was younger. It was an accident, I wasn't negligent.

Yeah, that actually looks like negligence to me. Leaving a cup of boiling tea on the floor is really not careful enough when there’s a child around.

NameChange92 · 16/04/2019 10:37

I disagree that he lied to protect himself, you obviously would and have found out what actually happened on their return so he’s not lied to hide what actually happened. If anything lying would only make it worse for him.

I think he lied to protect you, you weren’t there, there was nothing you could immediately do, he’s dealt with it and it would just have upset you to know about it but not be there with your dd.

You’re obviously upset now having found out about it, but that upset would have been much worse if you hadn’t actually been with your dd. I’d be angry that it happened at all, but unless he has form for trying to keep things from you, i’d give him the benefit of the doubt that he lied for the right reasons - even if you make it clear to him that you would want to know immediately about anything similar in future.

ToeDust · 16/04/2019 11:11

Ideally she should have gone to a&e, my son burnt his arm with hot tea and it blistered and they had to burst them (rip them off 😷) and had to go back a few times to a specialist burns unit (thankfully it's now fine). I had to moisturize it 3 times a day (i think with savlon) and always make sure he had sun cream on if it was exposed. This was from a flask though op so even a flask isn't safe if they got hold of it.