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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have had enough of Nephew.

72 replies

AuntieMug · 15/04/2019 19:23

I'm not a parent or anything, just to put that out as a disclaimer. NC for this too.

I don't know what to do about my nephew and how to get him to respect me. He is the most insolent child I have ever met. I'm at my wits end with him. His mum works a lot so he's usually here every weekend at mine or the whole half term if it's the half term like now.

I'm only 21 and he's 11. There's not much of a massive aunt-like age gap but we're clearly not the same generation. What's worse is that I've got dwarfism so he nearly towers over me. It's not an excuse but I suspect that's one reason. My other nieces and nephews respect me and treat me as their aunt that I am unlike him.

My mum and my aunt who is his grandmother both feel rather sorry for him in that he's an only child and longs for a sibling.However, he's constantly disrespectful to me and an angel to my brother who is not even 18, fgs.

My younger brother is that older brother/uncle figure so DN literally treats him as if he's gospel. If DB says jump off a cliff, DN would jump off the cliff. Not even joking. He also looks up to my brother's friends.

The things he does:
He talks back to me.
He openly swears and swears on people/bible when clearly lying
He calls me names/mocks my disability under his breath which isn't very quiet.
He simply does not do as I say.
He screams and shouts, it's loud enough I can hear through my headphones at its loudest, when he's playing his playstation.
He takes my phone charger whilst I'm asleep without asking
He uses his playstation on my TV in my room whilst I'm asleep, again, without asking

One time, I told all the kids in the house that they could 1 pack of crisps. He goes and takes 2. I repeat to him 3x that he needs to return one. He didn't and I had to chase him down which hurt my chest due to my chest condition related to my dwarfism. He knew that and he still laughed whilst I was wheezing and had to take my inhaler.

Another time I was pulling him up on his lying and his attitude.
Nephew: But I didn't...
Me: Yes you did. Just admit it.
Nephew: But did you see me do it? [With a lot of attitude. My mum did see him do what he did.]
Me: Fix the way you're talking to me. Am I a kid from your class for you to be talking like that? Who am I to you?
N: A human being - imagine that with a smirk. (I was expecting something like Auntie Mug )

Another time I was ordering food. Food was all ordered but I forgot to change my brother's order because he's allergic to mayonnaise. I changed and I hear screaming in my ear. Screaming to change my nephew's same order to the same condiment as my brother. My brother has this special sauce that doesn't affect him as much. He doesn't need the same but he just wanted it because my brother did. I never changed it for him and he ate it just fine.

I don't know how to tell his mum. Even my mum and his grandmother get similar treatment. She wouldn't do very much because like my aunt and mum she feels sorry that he's alone. She gave him his PS4 back after 2 days after he used her bank account w/o permission. His dad is not on scene but when he was, he'd pull him up on his behaviour.

I just can't bear it. My other cousin, who is his mum's sister, took him for a few days because I refused to let him stay in my house.

I try to be more assertive and pull him up on everything but it's not working. He treats like I've got MUG written on my forehead.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 15/04/2019 19:26

Why are you having him over when he behaves so badly??Confused

CalmdownJanet · 15/04/2019 19:27

Is it your house or your parents house?

Caselgarcia · 15/04/2019 19:27

I would speak to his mother and say you are unable to look after him until he shows some manners and respect.

minipie · 15/04/2019 19:28

Stop looking after him?

Or is it your mum and aunt who are looking after him but you live there too?

AvengersAssemble · 15/04/2019 19:28

Stop trying to discipline him, your not his mother. 11 year olds test boundary's, not just specific to you. The more you react the more he will do it.

Leeds2 · 15/04/2019 19:29

If it is your house and not, say, your mum's where you also live, just tell him/your sister that he isn't welcome.

AnnieMay100 · 15/04/2019 19:29

I think you’re investing too much time on him. It’s not fair they’re putting this child’s care in your hands with your health condition in the first place. Are they aware of his behaviour? 11 is an awkward age so he’s testing boundaries but I’d personally refuse to have him anymore.

SignOnTheWindow · 15/04/2019 19:30

He sounds like a right little shit. Can you get your brother to have a word with him, if your 'D'N respects him?

AuntieMug · 15/04/2019 19:31

It's my mum's house. She keeps having him over as he can't be home alone. His grandmother and mother both work.

I'm not even trying to discipline him. I just don't want to be spoken the way he does

OP posts:
Stressedout10 · 15/04/2019 19:32

So sorry you've had to deal with this. I think you need to talk with his mum about the behaviour and make it clear that if it doesn't change you won't have him at your home again. You don't deserve to be treated like this when you're helping someone.

Jupiters · 15/04/2019 19:34

If it's your house then say he's not welcome any more. If you live with your parents then it's a bit of a trickier situation.

Jupiters · 15/04/2019 19:36

Ah! Cross post! If it's your parents house have you tried speaking to your parents about it? If that doesn't help can you go out for a bit when he's there (not exactly fair on you but some space might help you).

AuntieMug · 15/04/2019 19:37

Can you get your brother to have a word with him, if your 'D'N respects him?

I could but my brother doesn't care. He's not really affected by all this and would rather have him stay so my nephew can stay being his sidekick for him.

OP posts:
M4J4 · 15/04/2019 19:38

First of all, I don't think this your problem. If your mum wants to have him then she takes care of him.

However, as you live in the house (and I assume you're either studying or not working) and you're around weekends and half terms, you need to change your attitude to DN.

Stop seeing yourself in a carer role for him. Just switch off. If he sees that you don't give a shit and will not be feeding him or ordering him food or anything else then he can't disrespect you.

This boy is bigger than you and can hurt you. Don't leave yourself open to it anymore.

And would your sister really leave her 11yo at home all day every day? It doesn't sound a very safe environment for a child.

LuckyLou7 · 15/04/2019 19:39

Have absolutely nothing more to do with him. Lock your bedroom door so he can't help himself to your phone charger. Ignore the insults and the mutterings. He's trying to get a reaction, and winning. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

JustDanceAddict · 15/04/2019 19:39

I agree with others. Say you can’t look after him any more as he’s exacerbating your health condition. Maybe his mum can consider paid childcare for the next couple of years before he’s old enough to be left home alone.

wizzywig · 15/04/2019 19:39

Honestly, id stop having him. He is insulting about your condition.

KC225 · 15/04/2019 19:40

Can he be looked after at his house.

You need locks on your doors too.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2019 19:43

You need to refuse to participate in watching him. Never again, no way. He sounds utterly horrible.

SuchAToDo · 15/04/2019 19:44

Tell everything you have said here to his mother. And tell her to arrange other childcare for him because you will no longer be providing it...

And she will probably beg, plead, get angry...but stand firm, and remind her the reason WHY that you won't be providing it...

Her childcare situation is NOT your concern, you DONT have to put up with this anymore...if you can't face her, send her a text telling her you won't be looking after him anymore and why...

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/04/2019 19:46

Be blatant about putting locks on your door and staying inside, with the door fully locked.

Do nothing for / with him and tell your DSis that dealing with him and his attitude is beyond you.

When he is in the house also stop doing things for your DB too, if you aren't ordering food you won't have to deal with DNs attitude. Tell DB why if/when he asks. You simply will NOT put up with DNs rudeness

Tell your DM. DN is too much for you and he has no care for your condition. You MUST look after your own health first.

And be consistent. Just STOP and be clear about your reasons why!

SuchAToDo · 15/04/2019 19:47

If your mum insists on him coming over...then you need to suddenly become "unavailable" at the times he is coming over..e.g go sit in a cafe, visit a friend...sit in the library and read a newspaper...basically don't be there, if your mum wants him there, then she looks after him, if she isn't there to look after him let her hire someone...you do NOT have to put up with this....

minipie · 15/04/2019 19:48

What happens if you tell your mum the things he’s done and said to you? Does she discipline him at all?

Is your 18yo brother aware of the way the nephew treats you? Could he speak to the nephew and tell him he thinks his behaviour towards you is despicable? Might have an impact coming from him...

Quietlife333 · 15/04/2019 19:50

I would tell your sister everything in detail and refuse to have him over until his attitude changes. I would also add the condition that if he returns to any of his disrespectful behaviours if you let him back to your place that you will immediately call your sister and she must collect him.

AuntieMug · 15/04/2019 19:50

I've talked to my mum about it but she guilt trips the fact his mum has supported me when I was his age and that he's just an only child with parents who don't particularly care. etc etc.

I don't have a lock on my door, otherwise I'd have locked my room ages ago. Neither am I allowed to unfortunately. I have told him and others to not go in my room w/o knocking but it didn't work.

Stop seeing yourself in a carer role for him.
I'm not actively caring for him. These situations only happen when he's in my room, in my vicinity or I am looking after my other younger neices and nephews/when we, as a family, are all together.

However, I admit I do fall for his baits and him trying to get a reaction out of me.

OP posts: