Potty training, 2.5 hours and 3 floor wees in... Give me strength

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He keeps asking for his nappy, doesn't tell me he needs a wee and cries when I park his weeing self on the potty.

Absolutely no interest in sitting on it despite promises of a Happy Meal!

Aibu to ask what your first day's were like to reassure me we're going to get it this week??

Please don’t put too much pressure on yourself. My DD is 3.8 (with a significant speech delay, possibly even mild autism although we haven’t had her assessed) and we only finally got her dry last week, in just 2.5 days. This despite my mum making barbed comments since she was 18 months old (!) and a less than helpful chat with the preschool head just before the Easter holidays which made me feel like shit. I had tried before but gave up when she showed absolutely no awareness of accidents. This time round she must have been ready as she got very upset when she had wet clothes and wanted me to change her straightaway (so, your DS may not be ready and that’s fine - ignore pressure from anyone else and wait until you feel he is ready).

The things that helped us - in case they can possibly help you - were:

• Not using any knickers/pants under clothes - I read that these can feel like nappies. It apparently takes around three months to lose muscle memory, so don’t use any pants until then.

• Aim to take to the toilet every 15-20 minutes. It was hell for me but we had much more chance of catching a wee this way and the regular trips also reinforced other things she was learning includimg pulling up her trousers afterwards by herself (she still can’t really dress/undress herself without help). I also repeated regularly throughout the day that wees and poos go in the toilet and not clothes and that she needed to tell me if she needed to do a wee or poo.

• Use a special toilet seat if he doesn’t like the potty - DD hated the idea of the potty but loved sitting on the toilet with the seat insert. There are lots of options available so you can find one he is happy with and that is comfortable.

I thought that DD would never get it after the first two days of nearly constant accidents (she can see for England) but something clicked when we managed to catch a big wee on the toilet on the afternoon of the third day - no accidents since and that was last Thursday! Last time I tried I gave up after the first day, so try and persevere for at least three days if possible. I had the mental attitude that it had to happen this time even if it meant staying at home for a week, I was determined to send her back to preschool dry after Easter.

A sticker chart and small rewards also worked well for us, as well as singing a funny made up song about wees and poos going to wee land and poo land! DD loves flushing the toilet, so I made it a ritual to flush after she had pulled up her leggings and we would sing the song as the toilet flushed! Making it fun definitely worked!

Good luck and if things don’t work out this time round, try again in a few weeks.

Can you get a book from library (my son had one about pirate themed), read that story for few days. I would give it a break and restart in a week and slowly talk about it and maybe take him shopping for 'big boy' pants with his fav characters (asda has loads). We also made a sticker chart and a big deal of telling grand parents about how proud we are blah blah now he is a big boy etc. it's v hard especially with the cleaning etc but you will get there.

Something like this Pirate Pete's Potty sticker activity book (Pirate Pete and Princess Polly) https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0723281572/ref=cmswwrcppapiii_eSgTCbN4K1ART

We have Pirate Pete. He loves the book.

Abandon the potty, unless he is tiny for his age, as they are designed for smaller children and it's difficult for smaller children to sit properly on them. Try the stand-up sees as already recommended. Change your toilet seat for an Argos family seat, and use a foot step so he feels grounded and safe. Put paper into the toilet before he uses it so there's no scary splash when he poos.

Put the nappy on over the underpants so you don't have to deal with wet clothes and furnishings. However, if he hasn't got a UTI and is going more than once an hour, he probably isn't ready, no matter what his age.

What is his tube-feed regime? Continuous pump, or does/ could he have bolus top-ups of water (from an open syringe, so more going in at the same time) then sit on the toilet a few minutes afterwards?

If he's still in nappies at school age due to his additional needs, ask for a referral to the paediatric continence service (via GP or school nurse).

The Victorian Continence Service in Australia have online resources for toilet training children with additional needs.

Sorry, your post about tube feeding regime wasn’t visible as I typed. Ignore that bit, as you're already timing the potty to the feeds. (The explanations were for other posters not OP).

Sounds perfectly normal. First day I sat mine on the toilet every 15 minutes all day and we still went through 8 changes of clothes. By day 5 she was off to nursery and mostly trained.

Well I've totally bollocked it up.

I'm such a shit Mum.

For ages we've promised him a certain costume if he wee in potty. He's done one (me sitting him on it as he'd had 60ml water in his feed tube). Was really please, lots of praised and immediately was like "I get my X costume!!"
So done that and told him he has to keep doing it or else he'll lose it.

Then he declares he wants Y costume instead for going potty. So I do the "do you want it off ofr now or do you want me to get rid of it forever" kind of thing. He says forever. Take it back to the shop and get Y instead.

I just feel like the wee was a fluke, overly rewarded and he's so spoilt by us he only appreciated it for 10 minutes and now wants something new.

He was meant to have Y for Easter so I've told him he can have it when he gets a row of stickers for wee's (likely to be after Easter) as I realised the error of over rewarding the first wee almost as soon as I promised him.

Not only is he never going to potty train but I've raised an ungrateful entitled child! Double gold star to Mum of the Year!

you are not a shit mum

Following this thread with interest as I'm totally lost with potty training. Some good tips here.

You sound like you're doing great and not at all a shit mum, OP. Go easy on yourself.

But I am. I held one massive carrot, have it him and now he doesn't want it he wants something new. Now there's no incentive again and I've paid out for a costume he apparently doesn't want. When I tell school he's still not potty trained I'm going ot have to tell them it's be auae he has an ineffectual and useless mother. Made the. Mistake of sharing photo of him by potty so now everyone will expect him to be toilet trained and will judge me even more for him not being. I just want to cry.

No rush. Give it another few months.

And even though my dd was dry before age 3, my son who is 4 has only been dry for a few weeks.
He has major sensory problems and we are still struggling with bowels atm.
Please dont feel bad, it's not like you are not trying.

This all sounds normal. It takes a bit of time. At the beginning they don’t know what it feels like, and tend to do lots of tiny wees. Loads of accidents on day one normal (restrict life to garden/tiled floor!). Then day two is also pretty dire. Day three signs of hope but also madness. Day four or five starts to be all done.

This idea that if they don’t crack it straight away and do lots of small wees on day one they are definitely “not ready” is nonsense. (Doubtless this is true for some, just saying it’s also true of most of those who do go on to successfully train in the next few days).

Good luck!

Stop beating yourself up! He has additional needs and also sounds rather bright at the same time... difficult combo!
My youngest has special needs and while the others sailed through it at 2, he was 4 (he also had a 1:1 in school).
We had a few failed attempts, left it a few weeks and then just went for it... no nappy option and a few days of stress and puddles. Small rewards .

It will happen in the end :) I have worked in Special School for 15 years now and the vast majority crack it in the end (physical inability excepted). Take the pressure off for now, but when you go for it again, don't promise the earth..make it NOT a big deal.

I think the reward thing you are doing is wrong

You say to him he can have a costume if he wees. So he wees, gets costume.

You can't then add conditions saying you will take it away if he doesn't go again. Its confusing.

One wee. One reward. end of. If he then never goes again, you cant backtrack and remove stuff as thats removing the first reward.

Do a small reward, like a sweet, a sticker. It has to be instant, and not one he gets next week as he will forget.

Once its warm enough, if you have a garden he can run around in with no nappy it helps everyone.

Also if he has a favourite teddy, helpful to potty train it at the same time. 'Oh, bear, would you like a wee?' 'Aren't you a super good bear'. May not help, but worth a try.

Goodness you are being hard on yourself! Potty training is tough and frustrating so give yourself a break!!

Also, to the posters telling OP he clearly isn't ready...you can't tell after only one day! He is 4 years old, of course OP needs to give this a good try.

OP my daughter also has speech delay and has done everything after her peers. So I started potty training earlier, age 3, in anticipation that it would take her a long time to get it. Let me tell you the first 4 days were hell. Exactly as you described. I didn't do any bribes just kept putting her on the potty even after the wee had happened. She just didn't understand how to let her wee go herself. Then on day 4 something clicked and she did it! 3 weeks later she was 80% there and then within 2months she was pretty much dry at night. I didn't bother to even night train, she did it alone.

People told me to give up because she wasn't ready but sometimes they need to be given a chance to get used to the idea.

Keep going and try to relax a little. Give him a few days, ease up on the physical bribes and give lots of praise.

Another vote for leaving it for a while til they are ready.
I was driving myself mad the first couple of times I tried to potty train my daughter but decided each time to leave it a while longer. Then around her 3rd birthday we tried and she got it straight away with no accidents for about a week. She then had the odd one and did a couple of weeks ago in reception but once she was ready it was so much easier.
Good luck!

This may not be a factor but have recently toilet trained my dd (we're 2 months in - she's pretty much there but we still have the occasional accidents she had fomo!) I found that if she was even slightly constipated she would keep having wee accidents - it mixes the signals apparently. So if his poos aren't paste consistency then he may have problems there. She had 'sheepy poos' (lumpy) for months and months because she is not a great water drinker. Once we'd sorted her poo consistency the wees were fine.
Not sure if an issue for you but I never knew this til we were elbow deep in potty training. Day one was basically like being in a splash park in our lounge... luckily we have wood floors!

We used the OH CRAP book. I was clueless with potty training and kept putting it off. Tried the bribes, praise and sticker chart but zero interest.
This book is no nonsense - the author doesn’t advocate bribes, praise or rewards. A clear set of rules to follow which I loved. Basically “you don’t wear nappies in the day any more you use the loo”. When they use the loo they don’t get OTT praise you encourage them to feel pleased with themselves rather than go on about it.
We did it over Easter weekend last year when we knew we would be ok to be near or at home. It was five days of stand offs and accidents but the book tells you what to do so you just stick to it and don’t back down. DD got it very fast. Maybe see if it suits you, you might be able to get a preview on Kindle if you have one?

My son had a language delay and it turned out he has hypermobility and possible autism. Took me ages to potty train him and I tried everything. I trained him in pullups in the end as he got distressed when I had to change him so often after wees on the floor. Things I tried included getting his sibling to demonstrate using the potty, also nursery took him to the toilet with other potty trained children. Also used Elmo's potty training DVD. The things he liked the best were Pirate Pete's potty training book which has a button to press when they wee in the potty. He also liked the Thomas the Tank engine potty which played a tune when he did a wee; it was also higher than a usual potty which helped as he was also nearly 4

We found the 'oh crap' potty training book really useful. It gives a clear approach to follow and there's a big trouble-shooting section too. Definitely worth a read. But honestly, don't beat yourself up about it, potty training is the hardest thing I've done (so far) as a parent and I think many people feel the same about it.

I cannot offer any suggestions, though if you offered me a Happy Meal as a reward I think I would wee on the floor!

My two have some additional needs and developmental delays. Nothing caused me stress like toilet training them, who were both older at the time (4 and 6 and both unable to use the toilet reliably), I remember getting through 14 changes of clothes in one day and wanting to sell my kids on eBay!

Couple of things that helped - making sure they both were taking in enough fluid so that their bladder capacity increased enough for them to literally hold more urine. For my younger child sitting him on the toilet every half hour - one of his issues was that he didn’t want to interrupt playing to go to the toilet so would pee where he stood. By making him go regularly his play got interrupted any way so it was better for him to just go when he needed to. Rewards and stickers had no effect whatsoever but they both responded well to praise and me boasting to their dad about how well they were doing.

It’s hard going, I’d love to say I glided through the whole process with grace and dignity but that would be a big fat lie. Your little boy will do it in his own time but I remember feeling like it was never ending.