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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL took DH out when we had a 4 week old

81 replies

TatDeDrummond · 14/04/2019 20:06

Reflecting on my relationship with my MIL and my bitterness towards her, wondering if I'm wrong and over reacting to things. There has been that much stuff I think I've lost perspective but this is one thing I keep doing back to.

Very brief background - MIL has always been obsessed with DH and will call him multiple times a day, wants to see him constantly etc. A year ago when DS was 4 weeks old I was really struggling with PND and anxiety, DS was colicky and screamed for hours each evening, I was just about hanging on by a thread. MIL at the time lived very close to us and witnessed how hard everything was. She asked DH to go out to the ballet with her and take her for dinner as a production she fancied was finishing the following week. She told him he needed a break and they went out and left me to cope alone and she put pictures of their evening all over social media.

I know DH was wrong for going too (I think) but I was too mentally fragile to stand up for myself properly. I think as a mother she should have never done this as she must have known how inappropriate it is to pressure (and she did) a new father into a night out away from his wife and child.

AIBU here or is it no big deal?

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 14/04/2019 20:07

I think it’s ok but she should have also tried to take the pressure off you when you had such a young child.

LynnTheseAreSexPeople · 14/04/2019 20:09

I can totally understand how it would have been awful for you but as someone out of the throws of newborn life I can see how it wouldn't seem a big deal for DH to go out for one evening. Obviously it would have been nice of her to think about you too - and offer you some help. I can definitely understand how you feel though especially in the context of what MiL sounds like in general.

AnotherEmma · 14/04/2019 20:10

You have a DH problem and not just a MIL problem.

He was very wrong to go. It's obvious that he has never learned to say no to her, which is a big problem.

I suspect that example is just one of many and the tip of the iceberg in terms of the damage done to your relationship by MIL's behaviour and DH's failure to set appropriate boundaries.

I recommend that you read the book "Toxic in-laws" by Susan Forward and ask him to read "Toxic Parents" by the same author.

Drum2018 · 14/04/2019 20:11

The issue there is that your Dh went. He was worse to leave you when you were struggling. He's an adult and should be well able to say no and set boundaries. If he can't see that then you need to spell it out to him.

Wheresmyvagina · 14/04/2019 20:13

Your DH needs to assert some boundaries here. She sounds difficult but he's partially responsible for the impact on your family.

MyKingdomForBrie · 14/04/2019 20:13

I think it was completely shit of both of them. You hold the screaming baby all night with no respite or support just so they can go to ballet and for dinner?! Sorry, no. How hard is it to wait a few months. If she desperately needed to see that production she could have gone alone.

ChicCroissant · 14/04/2019 20:13

A year is a long time to hang on to this OP, I hope you are OK at the moment.

It is hard with a crying baby and it can wear you down. However, I don't think this is your MIL's fault - your DH could have said no if he didn't want to go.

What has triggered the thoughts about this today, OP? Has something else happened?

Needadvices · 14/04/2019 20:14

One 4 week old, no other children? Not wrong for him to go, at that age they mostly breastfeed and poop anyway. Sorry to say you sound a bit dramatic.

AnotherEmma · 14/04/2019 20:14

PS Multiple phone calls a day - massive red flag right there - I wouldn't want to have sex with a man who enabled this kind of behaviour from his mother, let alone marry and have a baby with him!

Marriedwithchildren5 · 14/04/2019 20:14

Your dh is a bit of a wet lettuce. Its not a mil problem at all.

AnotherEmma · 14/04/2019 20:16

Oh and you posted this thread in the wrong place, btw. Relationships would have been much better. Here in AIBU you are going to get plenty of people with zero understanding of toxic parent/in-law relationships and delight in telling you that you're being unreasonable (you're absolutely not).

YouBumder · 14/04/2019 20:17

You’re not really BU but it was a year ago, what good is going to come of rehashing it all now?

AnotherEmma · 14/04/2019 20:18

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Leeds2 · 14/04/2019 20:19

I wonder if she just wanted to give her son a treat, or a break from fatherhood, without thinking about the effect on you. Your DH really shouldn't have gone though, as he knew you were struggling.

HopefulAgain10 · 14/04/2019 20:20

How has she been since then op? Has she improved or is supportive?

shatteredandstressed · 14/04/2019 20:21

Is this is an isolated incident or the tip of the iceberg?

Needadvices · 14/04/2019 20:21

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AnnaMagnani · 14/04/2019 20:22

I'd say you have a DH problem more than a MIL problem.

She may well call him multiple times a day but why hasn't he told her to pack it in?

Equally why couldn't he see you were hanging on by a thread and more important than a trip to the ballet?

Yes, she does sound like a nightmare but this is about how you and DH react to her and at the moment it doesn't sound the right balance.

cptartapp · 14/04/2019 20:23

Your DH is the problem. A screaming newborn isn't your mIL's responsibility but is your DH's yet he left you to it. Does he think it's normal she rings him multiple times a day? Doesn't bode well.

BertrandRussell · 14/04/2019 20:23

“I know DH was wrong for going too (I think) but I was too mentally fragile to stand up for myself properly. I think as a mother she should have never done this as she must have known how inappropriate it is to pressure (and she did) a new father into a night out away from his wife and child.”

The person you have a problem with is your dh. He should have just laughed incredulously at his mother’s absolutely ridiculous suggestion.

shatteredandstressed · 14/04/2019 20:24

@Needadvices
It's obvious to everyone reading this thread except you seemingly, that the mother OP is the parent needing a few hours off. No need for your snarky tone.

AnxietyForever · 14/04/2019 20:24

Issue is with your DH not MIL

Veterinari · 14/04/2019 20:25

It’s a bit mean of them to leave you struggling but fundamentally it’s not your MIL’s fault. She gave your DH an invitation - he should have recognised your anxiety and struggles and declined, or at least talked it over with you. He didn’t. He prioritised the evening with his mum. That’s not her fault. That’s on him

Butterymuffin · 14/04/2019 20:27

This is the kind of thing that, if your DH and MIL were generally considerate supportive of you, would be something you'd put behind you. So the fact you haven't suggests the whole set of relationships are still a problem.
I'd have to say your DH behaved worse in this instance, for me. He must have had greater knowledge of the state you were in than she did, he's the child's parent too, and he could have said no - or even suggested you go instead of him to give you a break. He didn't. Have you two ever talked about this?

Alsohuman · 14/04/2019 20:28

The ship’s sailed on this one, OP. Has she done anything awful since? If a daughter talks to her mum every day most of us would think it normal.

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