MIL took DH out when we had a 4 week old

[TatDeDrummond]

Reflecting on my relationship with my MIL and my bitterness towards her, wondering if I'm wrong and over reacting to things. There has been that much stuff I think I've lost perspective but this is one thing I keep doing back to.

Very brief background - MIL has always been obsessed with DH and will call him multiple times a day, wants to see him constantly etc. A year ago when DS was 4 weeks old I was really struggling with PND and anxiety, DS was colicky and screamed for hours each evening, I was just about hanging on by a thread. MIL at the time lived very close to us and witnessed how hard everything was. She asked DH to go out to the ballet with her and take her for dinner as a production she fancied was finishing the following week. She told him he needed a break and they went out and left me to cope alone and she put pictures of their evening all over social media.

I know DH was wrong for going too (I think) but I was too mentally fragile to stand up for myself properly. I think as a mother she should have never done this as she must have known how inappropriate it is to pressure (and she did) a new father into a night out away from his wife and child.

AIBU here or is it no big deal?

for you OP

These threads are never a good idea, because utter twats come on and make you feel so much worse about the situation.

@Phuquocdreams - did you read the part in the OP where she said she had a screaming, colicky baby, PND and anxiety - I think it was those particular factors that made her mind him going out.

I can see both sides of this. Yes him taking his mother out for the evening isn't the crime of the century, and in most circumstances I wouldn't think it was a problem.

However, you clearly needed him at home. He should have recognised this. You needed him more than his mother did at that point in time. He should have been at home helping you with the baby.

“He took his own mother out on a date hmm odd at the best of times. Apron strings need cutting.”

Lol so a son can’t go out for a meal with his mum ????? Bloody hell. Yet we all think it is lovely if a daughter goes for a meal with her dad or mum. Double standards on MN

sighrollseyes the OP may not have any family round to help.

I don’t think I would be happy with DH going out when I was stuck at home 48 hrs after major surgery with a new born to look after. I can’t imagine DH wanting to leave us in this situation.

Yet we all think it is lovely if a daughter goes for a meal with her dad or mum. Double standards on MN

I'd think that anyone who left their partner to deal with a constantly crying colicky 4 week old baby while they were struggling with depression and anxiety was behaving like a selfish arsehole. Wouldn't care if they were male or female or if their mum is their best friend in the World. The MIL is a red herring here. Outside this scenario she might well be a nightmare - who knows. But it is the OP's husband who is at fault here. He should have said no, that things were too difficult and intense with a poorly bub.

Exactly @Thunderspuds
It’s the fact OP is struggling at 4 weeks with colic plus her own mental health issues and DH goes to meal plus Ballet which means he was out for the whole evening knowing his wife was upset and stressed.
What loving partner does that.

"These threads are never a good idea, because utter twats come on and make you feel so much worse about the situation."

Indeed

As I said, nothing wrong with a man going out to the ballet and dinner with his mum. Everything wrong with him going out to the ballet and dinner with anyone when he is leaving his depressed, struggling partner at home with a colicky 4 week old baby.

OP- how has it been since then?

As I said, nothing wrong with a man going out to the ballet and dinner with his mum. Everything wrong with him going out to the ballet and dinner with anyone when he is leaving his depressed, struggling partner at home with a colicky 4 week old baby.*

This. How are things now OP?

Does he work? If so, are you furious he's out the house at his job?

Personally I don't see the problem with either parent getting a break for a few hours. This isn't a race to the bottom of misery. So long as there's equal opportunity for both parties to have some downtime there's no problem. Hardly sounds a fun night either going to ballet, I'd be bored rigid.

FFS

OP, please abandon this thread (it's doomed here in AIBU) and start a new one in Relationships with a brief list of the major issues with your MIL and DH.

I guarantee the responses will be 100% more supportive and helpful.

@StarCutterCookie

Does he work? If so, are you furious he's out the house at his job?

^
Oh please 🙄, talk about misinterpreting the information & going off on an irrelevant tangent.

But dont let facts stop MILs bashing on mumsnet eh.

What 'facts' are they then? Do you know the OP? You must be very certain of their situation to announce that you 'see things for what they are' and your other 'facts'.

How is it irrelevant? People are handing his ass to him based on him going out and leaving a his wife at home. So where is the line? Is it just something that could be perceived as enjoyment?

It’s not irrelevant though is it. Are there some things like and including work that she would have been happy to accept but wouldn’t be happy with a social event with his mother. Yes she was suffering and babies with colic cry but those issues were at play 24 7 so were there certain excursions she would have accepted. She has asked if she was being unreasonable?

The father of a four week old colicky baby whose wife was on her knees from 24 hour care (and possibly breastfeeding?) needed a break?

In what world?

OP, you are in the wrong topic. AIBU is renowned for bringing out the posters whose sole aim in life is to be contrary and/or spiteful. You need to be in Relationships.

Your DH behaved very badly. But the fact he speaks to his mother many times a day is such a huge red flag I don't know where you should start.

Do you have anyone other than dh who looks out for you?

@StarCutterCookie
You can’t comprehend the difference between going to work to pay the bills and going out for the evening leaving your depressed anxious wife and 4 week old colicky baby?
It’s not that DH should never go out but couldn’t it wait till his wife is coping better.

Op- I would feel the same as you, and do looking back at how mine was. That’s her son which she treats like a son, and your not her daughter, your her daughter inlaw, that’s the difference in your own mother, she would think of you if your husband wasn’t there, your mother inlaw wouldn’t. (We yours and mine anyway)

I think pp are correct: it was (given it was months and months ago) a dh issue. 4 weeks post part m and a screaming colicky baby and he agreed to go out? I'd feel hurt. Does he accept the multiple calls from her daily? What on earth do they talk about? Is she single?

I'm more than capable of comprehending the difference thanks Ghana...

So what's appropriate, 4/8/12/52 weeks?

If she's still angry about it a year later then it seems no matter when he went it would've been an issue. I'm sure stewing over this a year later and raking over it again is beneficial..

If she wanted the night off because she was struggling this place would be full of support and the likes, why is it not permitted the other way round? It hardly sounds like their home life is all peachy, a break for either of them would be beneficial.

Another thing to consider is the baby could've been born within a very large range of dates. Are both parents effectively isolated at home for an unspecified amount of time. That baby could've easily been 10 weeks or 2 weeks old by the time this night out arrived.

She clearly winds you up if this has been on your mind so long. I don't think he should have gone and she shouldn't have invited him. It was unfair to you whichever way you look at it. Presume there is more to this.

Got to say for a bloke wanting to escape for the night ballet is an unusual choice (!)