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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think he should support me in quitting my job

56 replies

WaveAfterWave3 · 14/04/2019 19:47

I hate my job. I've been employed there for about a year, and hated it from the start. However, DP pushed me to stick it out. He didn't want me being out of work, as we were looking to buy a house, and we wouldn't have got the mortgage without me having a salary. He said once we had the house, he would support me to quit so I could find something else.

We have the house now, but he doesn't want me to leave work without a job to go to. My job is seriously affecting my mental health now, and while I've been looking for another job, I haven't had any luck as employers say my notice period is too long. I am on sleeping tablets, valium, antidepressants, and beta blockers because of all this.

Here are a few more facts, which I think are relevant:

  • DP earns £35k, I earn £21k
  • I put £5k more into the deposit for the house than he did
  • Our mortgage, bills, and food comes to around £1500 a month
OP posts:
AnnieMay100 · 14/04/2019 19:54

He should definitely be supporting you as it’s clear your job is effecting you mentally. No job is worth that. Could you be signed off for stress? It may help if you have a break. If you really can’t see it helping then put lots of effort into finding a new job, even something part time. I can understand your husbands concern if you have no income it’s all on him, but your mental health should come first. I am in the same boat job wise but single mum so my income is all I have, finding a new job while already having one is the only sensible option I have found. Good luck

PrincessScarlett · 14/04/2019 19:54

What's your notice period?

IWouldPreferNotTo · 14/04/2019 19:58

If you're on a three month notice period on £21K I'd just chance it, give a month and say see me in court.

They wouldn't have a hope in hell in most roles in arguing that your position warranted a three month notice period.

In five job moves I've never worked out a full notice period as its always negotiable.

Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 20:01

He’s not at all U to want you to seek a new job first.

I too have had MH negatively affected by work issues, but paying the bills is as much my responsibility as DH’s, and unemployment / financial issues aren’t good for MH either.

Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 20:04

The three month notice thing does seem difficult, how many employers have withdrawn an offer because of it?

Would your employer actually hold you to it? With annual leave etc could you shorten the notice time?

If you have confidence in finding a job paying similar, resigning and job seeking hard could work.

RedSkyLastNight · 14/04/2019 20:04

Agree with PP. If they ask about notice period (and tbh I've never been asked this at interview, is it more a "when can you start question"?) Just say your notice period is 3 months but you would hope to be able to agree to move in a month. Or say you hope to start in a month subject to agreement with current employer.
Can See both sides between you and DH as he needs to support you but equally it will affect family finances for you to be out of a job for too long. What is yourgenuine chance of finding a another job quickly?

Pinkprincess1978 · 14/04/2019 20:11

3 months earning that little with only a years service is excessive. I would question it. If you give less than that notice the worse they can do is give you a bad reference. Hopefully your reference will be given before then anyway so it's possible worth the risk.

PrincessScarlett · 14/04/2019 20:15

If your notice period is 3 months I don't think this would put most employers off as many jobs today require 3 months notice for all sorts of reason.

A notice period is also negotiable depending on what type of role you have.

TreadingThePrimrosePath · 14/04/2019 20:15

Are you a teacher? Because the notice period is fixed, but you can negotiate individually with your head and governors.
Yes, your OH should support you, but he may expect you to have a plan to enable you to pay your part of the mortgage and bills.
Support is not the same as expecting him to carry your responsibilities as well.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/04/2019 20:17

I'd want a boyfriend to find another job first after taking on the commitment of a mortgage with me. Challenge the notice period so you can move jobs. Use annual leave etc to shorten it. Unfair to expect him to shoulder everything as it suits you.

Deposit for the house is irrelevant as presumably you would get that back if you sold and he is likely already paying more monthly due to the disparity in salaries.

DonnaDarko · 14/04/2019 20:20

Do you have savings? If you don't have enough to cover you for a few months, I'm on your OH's side

Fatted · 14/04/2019 20:22

He's not being unreasonable at all. Yes it's making you unwell, but you can't just expect him to pick up the slack without something else to go to. Realistically, if you packed the job in now, you'd still have to work your notice period anyway, so what difference would a few more weeks or months make? What is it about the job that's making you miserable? How would this change if you moved jobs?

VioletCharlotte · 14/04/2019 20:23

I would hand your notice in. You've got three months to find something, chances are you'll get something in that time. If not, then you can look for temp work.

3 months notice is a lot for a £21k a year job.

Shoxfordian · 14/04/2019 20:23

I don't think you should leave without a new job, have you been applying?

Langrish · 14/04/2019 20:26

Sorry, maybe I’m going against the grain, but I think he’s being perfectly reasonable wanting you to find another job to go to first.
Wouldn’t you expect the same, with a joint financial commitment? It’s much harder to find another job when you’re unemployed and if you leave through choice I don't think you’re entitled to any benefits for quite some time.
What’s so awful about it that it’s affecting your health?

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 14/04/2019 20:28

On a 21k salary I imagine a notice period could easily be reduced (unless you are specialist) . My last role was 40k and a 3 month notice period, but that’s because it was a more specialist role.

I empathise with how you feel, having struggled (am struggling!) myself, but I can also imagine how your dp feels. 35k isn’t a lot when you have a mortgage. All it takes is for something to pack in like the boiler for example, and suddenly you are struggling for money.

Whitechocandraspberry · 14/04/2019 20:34

Do you get sick pay? If the job is making you ill start looking for another one ASAP

thetwinkletoescollective · 14/04/2019 20:40

I really really understand. Last year (after struggling with terrible migraines for 1/3 of 2017 and the start of 2018 - all which began when I started my new job) I said to my husband, 'don't you think its time we drew a line under this and I hand my notice'. After being so ill and trying so many things (change of diet, medication, etc) I thought he would be supportive. He was not.

Turns out he was ruled more by fear of what might happen than about me. Well it took quite a lot longer and for my health to go down further but I did hand my notice in without a job to go.

I now have an amazing part time job (it is 1/4 of my salary before but 98% less stressful - it does however cover the mortgage) and I have time to pursue things I want to do. Add in that its become sunny and really I feel like a completely different person to last year. Being well is priceless.

stucknoue · 14/04/2019 20:52

Why can't you get a new job before you quit? That's what I would do

MortyVicar · 14/04/2019 20:56

The OP hasn't said what the notice period is - that's come from another poster who said 'if' your notice is three months.

However as whatever the period is it's a stumbling block, can you hand in your notice anyway and register with a temp agency short term if you've nothing lined up when it's time to leave? That amount of medication is crazy.

What's DP like generally? Is he genuinely worried about money and this reaction isn't typical, or is he unsupportive in other things too?

Chickenwing · 14/04/2019 21:01

Get a sick line for stress and look for another job while off sick.

justasking111 · 14/04/2019 21:02

I am on sleeping tablets, valium, antidepressants, and beta blockers because of all this

These drugs in combination may be contra-indicated. You need to check this out.

WorraLiberty · 14/04/2019 21:05

I am on sleeping tablets, valium, antidepressants, and beta blockers because of all this.

What was your mental health/general health like before starting the job?

Polarbearflavour · 14/04/2019 21:06

No job is worth your health.

DH has encouraged me to quit jobs before with no job to go to. I’ve left at least two jobs without having a new one and been employed within a month.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 14/04/2019 21:07

He didn't want me being out of work, as we were looking to buy a house, and we wouldn't have got the mortgage without me having a salary.

We have the house now, but he doesn't want me to leave work without a job to go to.

Gently, Both are 100% normal And he is not unreasonable.

What is your notice period?
And what is so awful about the job? (Are we talking a&e or an office job)

My personal view (having been there myself) is I wasn’t managing my emotions properly, and retrospectively was making my situation worse by letting small things get to me.

Sunday nights were also THE WORST so Flowers

Trust me when I say at 21k you can go in do your 9-5 take a full hour and get the f out, don’t run ragged working late and don’t engage in any drama.

And keep your chin up and keep interviewing...