to make DD go out at a weekend when 'sick'?

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Firstly I know I am pissed off with this, so am prepared to be told IABU.

We had plans to go to a family outing this morning at an Easter event as organised by one of the clubs DD belongs too, involves a bit of faffing about and preparation as it means taking the pony out. I spent yesterday cleaning tack, the pony and making sandwiches which she helped me with. She had known about this for a while, and told me yesterday it looked like fun, I've been looking forward to it as well.

DD has had a cough/cold thing this last week but has cracked on as normal, when she lays down we can hear her cough a bit more but that's it. It hasn't prevented her going anywhere as she went to her horse riding lesson yesterday morning (this and Brownies are the only activities she does), then out to the park in the afternoon all fine. She wakes up this morning and comes downstairs saying she's too ill to go as she has a sore throat and sore nose. She didn't have this yesterday so I gave her some paracetamol to help with the throat and re-evaluate in 30 mins. H is the sort to cancel things if there anyone unwell even with a temp.

In this time H starts making noises about it being cold, and if she doesn't want to go then we shouldn't make her etc, riding is my hobby not hers and it's only because I want to. I chip in with 'If we don't make her go out anywhere at all (this includes Brownies) she'll just stay in and want to play her game again'. Now during the holiday she has been allowed some more screen time but I had enough of this yesterday told her to hop off in 10 mins and we go out, all fine. She gets off and we go out but the entire time we are out she's talking about what she'll do on it when we get back, as with nearly all kids her age I'm assuming she'd stay on all day if allowed (which she isn't). She doesn't have any mates at school, she's happy in her own company but does enjoy going out once we are out with friends if that makes sense.

I know if I push it for us to go, H will huff and sigh about it saying she's not feeling well and only wanted to go because she wants to please us, this is no way for a child to behave and they should all be doing what they want to do (within reason for screen time obv).

So by now I'm seething as selfishly yes I did want to go, but it's too far away to go on my own and even if I did I'd be moaned at for going on my own and leaving them at home. Sunday is Family day after all...

So I explain to DD, Fine to stay home as your poorly, but you'll be in bed reading. No screens, she immediately says 'Cool, I'll go on it in later then.' I explain No not at all. Your sick, so you're in bed. She huffs off, then comes down with a game of Monopoly, I play it with her. She then starts crying saying she needs to go out for some fresh air and wants to go out, and I'm no fun, has the event started etc. I say yes it has but it's too far to go now (pony has been turned out by now and by no doubt filthy) and she's ill so she's staying in, she's now bored and wants to do something and wants to go out bike riding. The bit I'm pissed off with is I spent all day packing and planning for this for it to be sacked off because she's a bit nervous but would have been fine once we got there. And I'm being made out to feel like I'm a selfish cow for not taking her out elsewhere.

H is making me out to be unreasonable and that she should be able to do as she pleases, even if that means staying in reading (she's a book worm) and watching TV. We do this EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND and it's getting annoying. It's me that suggests going out somewhere all the fucking time, so when I plan things and then on the morning get told 'I feel sick' or 'I don't really fancy going actually' by someone it pisses me off but then I get told I'm being unreasonable forcing people to do things.

So it's 11am now and everyone has gone to their rooms to do something, DD is now reading and H is probably back in bed, whilst I'm feeling like a mug for trying to arrange something and feeling disappointed.

Do I need to get a grip?

No, I think your annoyance is reasonable. But direct your ire at your dh as it seems to me, without his intervention, you and your dd would be out enjoying your event by now.

I was prepared to say YABU until I got to the end of your post, but actually I think I would be pissed off too.

If she was very ill then fine, but it sounds like she just didn't fancy going. I'd be annoyed and want a bit of back up from DH too.

H is making me out to be unreasonable and that she should be able to do as she pleases

The problem with this attitude is that it has an impact on others. I know people like this as adults; they’ll make arrangements which they then cancel at the last minute because they “feel ill”, when in fact they just don’t really fancy doing whatever it is on the day. If your DD is genuinely ill? Of course, it’s fine to stay in bed and recover. But there does sound like there’s an element of “can’t be arsed” here, which would irritate me too.

YANBU. She isn't sick, she just didn't want to go.

Sounds like she is a bit socially anxious and your DH is feeding it. If it were me then we would still go, despite protestations, as flaky children go on to be flaky adults. The more experiences she has, the more confidence she will be in new situations.

You and DH need to have a chat about how you're going to manage situations like this in the future

Confident

If riding and owning and tending to horses is mainly your hobby, why don’t you just do it alone more often?

It sounds like DD was genuinely under the weather.

Having boundaries on screen time is reasonable: sounds like you and your H aren’t on the same page on that.

Well played you! YANBU at all. Your DH sounds like a Disney dad who takes the path of least resistance with the DC. The only way to combat that is to make sure that he has hell to pay with you, until he acts like a fucking grown up and sets a good example to your DC.

As painful as it is, ride it out. Keep them bored, and refer back to today as an example of what will happen to your DD if she pulls this crap again. Better to have one crap day, then this situation repeating it self with ever continuing frequency.

As a child I was an introverted book worm who was forced to go out and do all the things my mother wanted me to do - often because it was what she wanted to do.

Pleading illness was the only acceptable excuse. She would then accuse me of crying wolf. There was no winning.

Children can be annoying and change their minds and be inconsistent - because they're children.

I have some degree of sympathy for her.

As the old adage goes, you have a dh problem. A cough is not ill and we all feel better once we’ve been up for a bit (as she has now proved).

I would feel pissed off too. You tried to do something nice and this is the thanks you get.

Maybe take yourself out for a bit? (And take the game with you or switch the router off so there’s no role back on ‘you’re ill so you’re in bed’ while you’re out.)

Yaubu. She needs to learn about commitment. She also said herself she needs fresh air, staying in all weekend isn't good. She needs to get out and get done exercise. I wouldn't let her today tho, she needs to realise if she cries off doing something as she's "ill" she will be treated as such.
You should have gone on your own. Screw family time, they are in their rooms alone it's not actually happening anyways is it? Plus it would have taught her about sticking to commitments

I had this and one Sunday morning crying about the I'm I'll, I don't want to go, do we have to go? You are ALWAYS! Making is go out! I am going to have a bath first (said at 11am) I had an epiphany.

I didn't always make them go out, I would book things, organise things we would never do them but the whole planning and fight to get out was every week and we where all locked into our beliefs mine that we never go out and their that every week I am making them go out. So I stopped. I rarely plan anything with them. But I do announce when I am ready what I am doing sometimes it is greater with grunts sometimes like yesterday we all went out, only for breakfast but we did it. I am happier because I am getting out the house and I do do things like visit "child friendly" places without them I get to enjoy it with out whining. Used to be dad and them left at home and when they were little, it took no time at all for my husband to realise I was going out and leaving them with him so he started to back me up on the few times I would try to get us all out, now they are teens we can go without them. Sometime when I leave the teens, somehow the Wi-fi router for no apparent reason seems to find its way into my handbag....

No, YANBU and you need words with your DH

Why didn't you go? You're not having a family day, everyone is in different rooms.

Reframe this so that you go, and she can join you or not. Then she can make her choice. It does sound like she felt she needed to exaggerate her symptoms to get out of this... given that you say she doesn't often want to go out, I'd let her out on her bike.

This isn't worth an argument or a ruined day. Concede your husbands point that it is your hobby too and you wanted to go, and next time, go. Whether that's alone or with everyone.

Everyone was in their rooms but only for a little while, I've calmed down a bit now and don't want to ruin the day, as I'm having no time off over the Easter break other than weekends which adds to me feeling pissed off.

I want to take her out on the bike but feel this is dismissing the original plans and I'm going back on what I said earlier about today being a 'boring day'.
H is feeling annoyed as well as he 'only made observations' which is true, he didn't say 'Don't go.' So I can pretty well predict what he'll do today.
DD keeps asking why I'm still home, she keeps flouncing around the house looking for more books to read.
We are a happy family today! 🤦‍♀️😁

If the pony is more your thing, is there no way you could have gone and left DD with DH? Did you need them to help with the pony?

To salvage the day you could let DD bike and/or do something different with her.

And later seek to address the differences with DH.

@slashlover unfortunately yes, I'm unable to load the pony by myself. Otherwise I probably would have gone still!

How old is she? Is she really interested in the pony and shows? I'm horsey and can't count the number of friends who have been a little bit over Ken that their daughters rode, and the daughters just weren't that interested. Could that be the case here?

Sorry but I cannot stand people who go out sick or take their children out sick to places they do not need to go to.

You say your DH will not want any of you going out 'even if just for a temperature' - you do realise a temperature is an indicator of an infection, often a virus? Dosing your child up on paracetamol and sending them out to make everyone else sick is incredibly selfish. My nephew has very luckily been officially declared in remission from Leukaemia, during his treatment a basic illness could have landed him in hospital or worse.

Your DD is sick, attending a physically demanding horse ride in the cold is not the same as sitting in front of a TV playing a game in a warm house. If you hadn't actually wanted to go so much then I don't see you being annoyed with her like you are now. YABU.

You're unlikely to pass many germs on when you're sat on a pony in a windy field and the next child is sat on their pony - you just don't get that close.. It's different from going to Brownies or a play group.

Op is possibly fed up because she's done all the tack cleaning and pony preparation, which is quite a lot of hard work.

@pickme this is EXACTLY the case. The fact this event is pony one is by the by, I've arranged trips for days out before with friends, even just a bike ride out at a local country park is met with 'You're always forcing me Out.'

I shall take a leaf out of your book then and plan to do things without them.

Sounds like an issue is what your H does if you do that. If he supervises homework, encourages DC to read or play independently, cracks on with domestic work, errands, and / or does something with DC, great. If he just lets them sit on a screen for hours on end, that’s not great.

YANBU op. My teen DD is lucky enough to have a horse and we have similar battles sometimes; as lots of events start very early in the morning and DD does sometimes get anxious too. But my DH is very much an "up and at 'em" reliable type who never breaks a commitment if he can possibly help it, so I have his support which is invaluable. (We do argue over other different aspects of parenting mind you such as screen time and so I really "hear you" op about how difficult it is when you are battling both with your dh and your DC. It is very wearing and frustrating!)

So there have been times when I have had to battle to get DD out of bed (she is a typical teen who likes her lie ins) when she has had bad period pain for example, and loaded the back seat up with blankets and hot water bottles , and taken bacon sandwiches in foil and tea in a flask, and got her to an equine event that either (a) we have paid for (one on one lesson) or (b) like you we have done a lot of work to prepare for (sponsored ride). And I can honestly say that nine times out of ten, even when she has felt ill and tired to start with and she's been quite resistant and in a foul mood, by the end of the day, she has always enjoyed the experience, learnt from it and been better for it.

In short, imho it's your dh who needs to change his attitude. DC need to learn over time how to overcome their natural inclinations to stay in bed or stay at home if they are anxious and not feeling 100%. And your dh needs to support, not hamper, that process.

Having said all of that, if your dh works hard during the week and isn't particularly interested in horses, he may want to chill at home at weekends sometimes and that should be accommodated too! (My DH only comes with us because he enjoys the driving!)

It also depends how much exercise the DC get: mine do a fair bit Mon to Fri, so am fine if they don’t do much at the weekends.