to make DD go out at a weekend when 'sick'?

[AlphaBites]

Firstly I know I am pissed off with this, so am prepared to be told IABU.

We had plans to go to a family outing this morning at an Easter event as organised by one of the clubs DD belongs too, involves a bit of faffing about and preparation as it means taking the pony out. I spent yesterday cleaning tack, the pony and making sandwiches which she helped me with. She had known about this for a while, and told me yesterday it looked like fun, I've been looking forward to it as well.

DD has had a cough/cold thing this last week but has cracked on as normal, when she lays down we can hear her cough a bit more but that's it. It hasn't prevented her going anywhere as she went to her horse riding lesson yesterday morning (this and Brownies are the only activities she does), then out to the park in the afternoon all fine. She wakes up this morning and comes downstairs saying she's too ill to go as she has a sore throat and sore nose. She didn't have this yesterday so I gave her some paracetamol to help with the throat and re-evaluate in 30 mins. H is the sort to cancel things if there anyone unwell even with a temp.

In this time H starts making noises about it being cold, and if she doesn't want to go then we shouldn't make her etc, riding is my hobby not hers and it's only because I want to. I chip in with 'If we don't make her go out anywhere at all (this includes Brownies) she'll just stay in and want to play her game again'. Now during the holiday she has been allowed some more screen time but I had enough of this yesterday told her to hop off in 10 mins and we go out, all fine. She gets off and we go out but the entire time we are out she's talking about what she'll do on it when we get back, as with nearly all kids her age I'm assuming she'd stay on all day if allowed (which she isn't). She doesn't have any mates at school, she's happy in her own company but does enjoy going out once we are out with friends if that makes sense.

I know if I push it for us to go, H will huff and sigh about it saying she's not feeling well and only wanted to go because she wants to please us, this is no way for a child to behave and they should all be doing what they want to do (within reason for screen time obv).

So by now I'm seething as selfishly yes I did want to go, but it's too far away to go on my own and even if I did I'd be moaned at for going on my own and leaving them at home. Sunday is Family day after all...

So I explain to DD, Fine to stay home as your poorly, but you'll be in bed reading. No screens, she immediately says 'Cool, I'll go on it in later then.' I explain No not at all. Your sick, so you're in bed. She huffs off, then comes down with a game of Monopoly, I play it with her. She then starts crying saying she needs to go out for some fresh air and wants to go out, and I'm no fun, has the event started etc. I say yes it has but it's too far to go now (pony has been turned out by now and by no doubt filthy) and she's ill so she's staying in, she's now bored and wants to do something and wants to go out bike riding. The bit I'm pissed off with is I spent all day packing and planning for this for it to be sacked off because she's a bit nervous but would have been fine once we got there. And I'm being made out to feel like I'm a selfish cow for not taking her out elsewhere.

H is making me out to be unreasonable and that she should be able to do as she pleases, even if that means staying in reading (she's a book worm) and watching TV. We do this EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND and it's getting annoying. It's me that suggests going out somewhere all the fucking time, so when I plan things and then on the morning get told 'I feel sick' or 'I don't really fancy going actually' by someone it pisses me off but then I get told I'm being unreasonable forcing people to do things.

So it's 11am now and everyone has gone to their rooms to do something, DD is now reading and H is probably back in bed, whilst I'm feeling like a mug for trying to arrange something and feeling disappointed.

Do I need to get a grip?

Can you not just talk to about the real reasons she doesn't want to go? Get to the root of it, if it is social anxiety she needs to be able to address it before she starts secondary as it will only get worse. The fact she is "flouncing" and asking you when you are going sounds like she feels guilty as she hasn't "pleased" you, rather than getting cross sit down and give her the opening to talk about how she really feels and why she prefers staying in.

Horsey person here.

I think it IS her hobby - she's just being a normal, slightly fickle child who doesn't necessarily want to do it all the time/is a bit nervous sometimes and her dad really isn't helping. I had an amazing childhood riding and going to brownies and guides; there were times I didn't want to but I had to - that's part of life, and it sounds like if she'd have actually gone she'd have forgotten about her sore throat and had fun.

She claimed a sore throat and nose - that's not ill enough to skip most things! Would she have been allowed to stay off school for that? And fresh air and mild exercise is good for even mildly ill people.

I didn't see this thread yesterday - if I had've done I'd have suggested spending some zero pressure time with the pony practicing loading - giving their feed on the ramp, walking across it the "wrong" way, big pile of hay in the doorway, letting them sniff it inside and out. You would have had a nicer time, and pony might have become a bit less resistant to loading.

I'm angry on your behalf at your husband. He sided with a 9 year old child and undermined you - does that happen often? As you say, if she only really has the two hobbies that get her out of the house, it's really important that she actually goes and does the hobbies. And if it was just nerves for the event (was it a little show or gymkhana type thing?) then he's rewarded the flakiness, which isn't helping her to grow up into a brave person. Why doesn't he want her to ride? He's being totally unreasonable if he's letting his own feelings of "protect daddy's little girl" from letting her take controlled risks and get all the benefits horses have to offer.

I have so much more to write but don't want to make this post too long - I wonder and am concerned when you say she has no friends at school - why is that? Is there a potential diagnosis there? And as for what to do with the pony - if you decide it is your hobby not hers, how about driving, or getting into long reining or in hand horse agility/natural horsemanship type things?

@LordWheresMyShoes

Driving is my thing! Pony long reins everywhere, she came to us a frightened wee soul who we could just about catch. She now comes running to call, and is a confident go anywhere sort, just needs miles on the clock so to speak, sadly she is too small to drive.
H doesn't really like her riding due to the danger of it, a family member of his died due to a riding accident.
DD has been in but it's literally a cough/cold that she's had all week.
Diagnosis, yes she has one, hence the no mates, but she isn't bothered by this. Yesterday was gymkhana type events but on space hoppers for the non riders and ponies for the ones that had them, so it was a good fun event.
Socially she has always been reluctant to go out anywhere, Brownies final week we were doing an event and oh my goodness the fight I had on my hands to get her out the door. H was close to saying 'let her stay home then, she should be able to choose, it' s just her nature to stay in.'
Fuck that. She got dressed and got in the car with me, I stayed and helped. She enjoyed herself and asked to go back to the place where Brownies has their wind up. Brilliant.

I’ve not much input on the issues with your DH OP, but as a daughter of a horse-obsessed mother I do sympathise with your DD.

My 2 Dsis and I spent a large part of our childhoods dossing around stable yards in all weathers, through no choice of our own (I am also a bookworm). We all desperately tried to be properly ‘horsey’, mostly to please/bond with DM, but none of our hearts were really in it and it we were very fairweather riders.

The thing is, we did quite enjoy the actual riding once we got going, but because we weren’t really properly into it, any time we had to do the unpleasant stuff (getting up early/tacking up/mucking out etc) it was harder to pretend.

However it sounds like you do most of the hard work and heavy lifting where the pony is concerned. Could you just keep the pony as a pet for fun stuff like grooming and hacks instead of competing and events? It might be a good even ground to keep DD interested in your hobby.

Just realised I’m projecting quite a lot in my previous post OP!

I have a socially anxious, introverted child (and husband) and I do have to accept that they don't feel the same need to go out and socialise as I do. I can completely relate to the frustration though.

However, my child ended up having an anxious 'crisis' recently which resulted in him being too unwell to go to school for weeks. This was terrifying and a wake up call for us all as to how well he hides his anxiety. He is otherwise a confident, happy, well-adjusted child.

I now cut my cloth much more carefully and have accepted that he likes to stay in, doesn't want to do after school activities (although like your dd he has two which he has committed to doing) and generally enjoys his own company. I don't push him to do anything bar the really central activities, like Scout camp.

Why can't you stay home on some weekends?

I think threatening to get rid of the pony, is off. As you acknowledge. It's essentially guilting her into riding. Or the pony goes. That's cutting your nose off and not ideal.

Is it her pony or yours?

What's the diagnosis that she has?

I'm now missing the point entirely but I'm wondering how is a pony too small to drive? Shetlands and falabellas do it!

@StoppinBy

Again, there is a line to be drawn. We can't keep all our children inside all the time when they have a cold and neither can we as adults stay in all the time when we have colds. Teaching them how to take care of it safely is the key, eg using hankies, washing hands etc, being considerate to others.

Sure, there are vulnerable people to be protected but that doesn't mean none of us go out when we are ill.

I think threatening to get rid of the pony, is off.

Is it? We had a pony when we were young. If we decided we weren't going to ride it, it would have been sold. Seems like a sensible thing to say.

Seems like she was pretending to be sick to play her game and now she can't play she wants fun! You did the right thing not allowing the game, you aren't in the wrong :)

Is it? We had a pony when we were young. If we decided we weren't going to ride it, it would have been sold. Seems like a sensible thing to say.

Except this isnt just her pony, its ops hobby too and she doesnt want to get rid. Whilst I get the logic, it also smacks of emotional blackmail.

The OP advises she could drive the pony and still do things with the pony. So mo point threatening to get rid.

I think threatening to get rid of the pony, is off. As you acknowledge. It's essentially guilting her into riding. Or the pony goes. That's cutting your nose off and not ideal

I don’t know - a pony is a huge amount of work. A massive commitment, really. So I think it’s fair enough to chat about it seriously with a 9 year old and ask her if she wants to make that commitment or not. If she doesn’t, that’s fine - but then it is better for everyone (the pony included!) that it is sold to someone else who does want to ride it and put the time in. It’s a different kettle of fish from, say, threatening to sell a piano if a child isn’t practising.

So your DH has lost a relative in a riding accident? I can understand why he doesn't want DD to be forced into riding.

I have no experience of riding other than reading the wonderful 'Jill and her Pony' books, which I loved! But it seems to be one of those things you have to be hugely committed to, and maybe your DD doesn't have the same interest that you have. She is getting to the age where children don't necessarily want to be jollied into doing activities chosen for them. I can see why, as an active, outdoor person, you don't want to encourage your daughter to stop in reading and playing games on the computer, because you don't think that's active enough, but is that just the sort of person she is?

I do drive and have driven previous horses in a team up to 4.This pony can't be unfortunately due to being uncertain in traffic so not happening.
I'm going forward with the idea that all activities with pony are for me. Takes pressure of DD and stops me pressuring her .
She has to do an activity though, I don't care if it is riding her bike, walking or whatever else she fancies but it has to be something for exercise. I won't budge on that and DH agrees.

NataliaOsipova but the OP isnt going to get rid of it. Because it's her hobby, really. Even she agrees that.

What's the point in the threat orbits not going to happen?

I played piano. I also had horses. People, generally become far more emotionally attached to animals.

I think it's the age as well OP, my DD went through phases of not wanting to go swimming as she was body conscious, not wanting to do piano as it's not cool. A year on from being 9 to 10, she's relaxed more and loves her swimming whereas before she'd be bottom lip out, hiding behind her towel. It's good for them to be pushed out of their comfort zone sometimes and to have interests outside of school otherwise the having no friends issue becomes more of a big deal.