to make DD go out at a weekend when 'sick'?

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Firstly I know I am pissed off with this, so am prepared to be told IABU.

We had plans to go to a family outing this morning at an Easter event as organised by one of the clubs DD belongs too, involves a bit of faffing about and preparation as it means taking the pony out. I spent yesterday cleaning tack, the pony and making sandwiches which she helped me with. She had known about this for a while, and told me yesterday it looked like fun, I've been looking forward to it as well.

DD has had a cough/cold thing this last week but has cracked on as normal, when she lays down we can hear her cough a bit more but that's it. It hasn't prevented her going anywhere as she went to her horse riding lesson yesterday morning (this and Brownies are the only activities she does), then out to the park in the afternoon all fine. She wakes up this morning and comes downstairs saying she's too ill to go as she has a sore throat and sore nose. She didn't have this yesterday so I gave her some paracetamol to help with the throat and re-evaluate in 30 mins. H is the sort to cancel things if there anyone unwell even with a temp.

In this time H starts making noises about it being cold, and if she doesn't want to go then we shouldn't make her etc, riding is my hobby not hers and it's only because I want to. I chip in with 'If we don't make her go out anywhere at all (this includes Brownies) she'll just stay in and want to play her game again'. Now during the holiday she has been allowed some more screen time but I had enough of this yesterday told her to hop off in 10 mins and we go out, all fine. She gets off and we go out but the entire time we are out she's talking about what she'll do on it when we get back, as with nearly all kids her age I'm assuming she'd stay on all day if allowed (which she isn't). She doesn't have any mates at school, she's happy in her own company but does enjoy going out once we are out with friends if that makes sense.

I know if I push it for us to go, H will huff and sigh about it saying she's not feeling well and only wanted to go because she wants to please us, this is no way for a child to behave and they should all be doing what they want to do (within reason for screen time obv).

So by now I'm seething as selfishly yes I did want to go, but it's too far away to go on my own and even if I did I'd be moaned at for going on my own and leaving them at home. Sunday is Family day after all...

So I explain to DD, Fine to stay home as your poorly, but you'll be in bed reading. No screens, she immediately says 'Cool, I'll go on it in later then.' I explain No not at all. Your sick, so you're in bed. She huffs off, then comes down with a game of Monopoly, I play it with her. She then starts crying saying she needs to go out for some fresh air and wants to go out, and I'm no fun, has the event started etc. I say yes it has but it's too far to go now (pony has been turned out by now and by no doubt filthy) and she's ill so she's staying in, she's now bored and wants to do something and wants to go out bike riding. The bit I'm pissed off with is I spent all day packing and planning for this for it to be sacked off because she's a bit nervous but would have been fine once we got there. And I'm being made out to feel like I'm a selfish cow for not taking her out elsewhere.

H is making me out to be unreasonable and that she should be able to do as she pleases, even if that means staying in reading (she's a book worm) and watching TV. We do this EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND and it's getting annoying. It's me that suggests going out somewhere all the fucking time, so when I plan things and then on the morning get told 'I feel sick' or 'I don't really fancy going actually' by someone it pisses me off but then I get told I'm being unreasonable forcing people to do things.

So it's 11am now and everyone has gone to their rooms to do something, DD is now reading and H is probably back in bed, whilst I'm feeling like a mug for trying to arrange something and feeling disappointed.

Do I need to get a grip?

One of my DD are like this.
If I didn’t make her do stuff as a child, she wouldn’t have done anything.
I have been criticised for making her follow through with commitments and continue extra curricular clubs when she has said mid-term (after paying the fees!) that she wants to quit.
However if I hadn’t she wouldn’t be highly skilled at and venturing into what promises to be a successful career in the area said club were all about (think performing arts/sport).
Children don’t always know what they want, they act in the here and now so she was probably just a bit tired this morning and now feels better. Hate to say it but as you accepted she was too ill (or DP did) she has to learn to see through her decisions and also to develop the skill of entertaining herself (not being bored).
Next time she might not be so quick to make excuses. And next time you will have more of a leg to stand on.
Can you not still take the pony out- you and DD? Not to the event but for a good hack somewhere then do some baking when you get home?
Absolutely no screens though!

@Loopytiles he does do this, he won't allow hours of screen time either (usually, I have been lax too with this and it is me that sets the screen timers, he will back me up 100% on this). He does do homework, school runs etc.

Just to be clear, I am absolutely not one of those parents who send their vomiting children to public events either! Totally disagree with that and putting other people's children in danger of infection.

But there's a world of difference between feeling slightly below par and being properly ill. It's a judgement call all parents need to make at one time or another. And parental responses tend to differ. My best friend at school was the daughter of doctors, whose parents never let her stay off for illness, even once when she had broken her ankle! At the other extreme are perhaps parents who are over anxious about their DC, or who are anxious themselves,who tend to be too lenient about letting their DC stay at home for minor illnesses.

As with all things, there surely is a balance to be struck? As adults, we need to plough on a bit when we have colds and minor complaints and I think DC need to learn to have confidence in their bodies to do the same.

Sorry that was a bit off the point, but as a parent, it's not an easy thing to get right always!

That’s cool then, you can sometimes state your plans, give others the option/time, and head off!

We generally don’t book many things that require travel, two adults, and/or cost money far in advance. I usually go by “say no if I wouldn’t fancy doing it tomorrow” , unless I know DH is mega keen and/or it’s for close family. Camping 5 hours away for a term time weekend is a recent example of something I’ve said no to!

I spent a lot of time at home sick when I was a teen, such was my attendance in one year of school under 60 days and on over half of those I was sent home. Education welfare officer was my literal BFF as saw her more than my friends.

We had worked out with the school that I would continue as much as possible but if I hit the floor 4 times and wasnt recovering I was sent home.

I was constantly fainting, it was put down to hormones at the time but now long term I know what was actually going on which I am now getting treatment for (25 years later), it was said it was faking and mental health related. I was also being treated by psychiatry and medical and other specialities.

I know your DD isn't missing school with this but when I was at home, my mum laid down strict guidelines,

I was put into her bedroom as was closest to the bathroom and above the kitchen and if I got out of bed and hit the floor, she heard it straight away. You could also hear when just walked across the floor anyway. The curtains were closed.

If lucky, I was given my weekly magazine which I had usually read before but was encouraged to rest and was bored out of my brain. I was given breakfast if I could eat it, same with lunch and tea.

No TV, radio, nothing to entertain me (this was way before the internet), no friends in general or when having a particularly rough spell they would be allowed for 30 mins one weekend in the month.
No making phone calls. No board games, no drawing, colouring. She would check in on me several times a day via the baby monitor and turn it off otherwise at her end so I couldn't keep chatting, my brother was allowed 10 mins in the evening.

Her basis was if I was feeling as bad as I claimed I wasnt up for doing stuff. She told me she felt guilty about that for years as she was believing the psychiatrist who was treating me for psychosis and depression.

Unless I was up and trying to do stuff, we didn't leave the house to go do anything fun and the times we left the house was to go to the GP, then the chemist and back home to bed. Hospital appointments showed some extent of what was going on and back to rest.

There was nothing to encourage me to stay at home. She admitted she made it as boring as possible so I wouldn't want to stay home and she said she felt harsh for doing it.

Things were bad for about 18m and then lucky for me I had an improved spell before other health things went kaput but if there was absolutely no incentive to stay at home from anything

Let your DD stay in bed and be totally bored if a fun event might be happening, say tomorrow, let her look forward to it (maybe a trip to shop - nothing too disappointing) and then she was too sick to go out today and doesnt seem well enough yet. OK, she may be feeling grotty with a temp and cough but a bit of boredom will show her that cant play up like that. You cant play the sick card when suits, if you are sick you are sick, if not you are well.

I missed tons of fun stuff, I missed the mundane stuff but a lot of the time I was feeling so awful so didn't really care but I was bored.

So YANBU re your DD

YANBU

I’d have done exactly the same. (Albeit, I would have actually made her go despite protestations.)

She used illness as an excuse, you called her bluff, she didn’t like it. She’ll think twice about pretending poorly next time. DD did the same with physio a couple of days ago. She won’t do that again in a hurry!

The only thing I would do, if she has had a cold is get her some fresh air today, so a wee bike run later is probably a good idea, but make sure she knows it’s for her health and not because you’ve backed down on “boring day”

Also have a chat with H about not being sucked in by her!

I'm in 2 minds about this.

I am definitely of the "if you're too ill to go out, then you are in bed" variety. ( If I think it is shirking and not a genuine illness!)

However, the fact that your DH said that it was your hobby, not hers gives pause for thought. My family were all passionate about a sport. I wasn't and hated being made to do it every single weekend as a child. Ironically, all I ever wanted to do instead was ride ponies!

Do you think that you are ( over) pushing this?

If it is truly a Family Day, why not ask your DD and DH what they might like to do? If they enjoy a lie-in and then a bike ride, then another day why not do that?

And, if you have a hobby that the family won’t join in on, you should absolutely be allowed to go. Family time is important but so is having your own thing to do.

It sounds to me like the pony is your hobby and that you need DH (and therefore DD) to join your for practical reasons.

As a child who was dragged along to my dad's hobbies (long distance races) every other weekend - I can tell you it's utterly dull and not a fun way to spend your time.

It sounds to me like the pony is your hobby and that you need DH (and therefore DD) to join your for practical reasons.

This. The full story seems to be the activity is one that YOU will enjoy, if your family facilitate you getting there and back. All the stuff about DD getting fresh air, and whether she's ill or putting it on, are side-issues.

I'd say you need to work out a way of getting off to pony events on your own sometimes, and leave the rest of the family to stew on those occasions. And either you and DH agree how much screen time she's allowed, and both stick to it, or you have to work out a compromise.

YANBU. If she was nervous the right thing to do would be reassure and support her not validate the feelings of insecurity by not going. It sounds like DD needs alot of loving encouragement to socialise.

You need to sort out the pony loading so you're able to do it by yourself. Otherwise every time she doesn't want to go, you'll miss out too. It puts too much pressure on her to go. If you could go on your own everyone would be happier.

I have done the boring in bed with no screens tactic when I suspected my Dc were faking it.No problems with DC being bored for a while - its character building I think.
But one thing we always stick to is that when one parent makes a decision the other butts out and leaves them to it. If its the wrong thing for that day or that child then the discussion will be had once the day has ended and no dc are in earshot.
She played you both because you allowed it to happen. Luckily you were wise to it and didnt pander to her Your DH backtracked and said in effect that he didnt mean what he said. So because of all of this but you missed out on a day you were looking forward to and your DD would probably also have enjoyed.
Next time cut down on the discussion and determine to go out yourself even if it means just watching others .

How old is your DD?

Maybe she is getting to be old enough to decide what she wants to do herself. Maybe she isn't particularly into horses any longer, and would prefer to do other things. Is she old enough to be left on her own?

Sorry but I cannot stand people who go out sick or take their children out sick to places they do not need to go to.

Surely there is a line to be drawn? DD isn’t often ill, and when she is she generally copes with it well. Kids who are always wrapped up in a duvet watching telly when they have a wee cold become adults who do that, and that’s ridiculous.

Clearly if they are puking everywhere or have a 40 degree temperature you don’t drag them to the park, but a slightly raised temperature and a cold, that shouldn’t stop them going places. It’s building resilience rather than mollycoddling.

@yabbers resilience wouldn't have helped other children in my nephews position or the millions of other people with limited or no immune system. I am not keeping my children home when they are sick for their benefit but rather for people who may actually have a big problem if they catch something as mild as a common cold.

To be fair I wouldn't have put that much thought in to it before my nephew fell ill but I do now.

Honestly, I’m probably reading between the lines but it sounds like she’s not into your hobby as much as you.

When I was a kid I never really got the no entertainment thing when I was sick. Now I’m an adult, when I get sick I’m in bed reading or watching stuff on my tablet with naps in between when I’m feeling sleepy. I can’t sleep non-stop and if I didn’t have something to distract me, I would turn a cold and really sore throat into an extinct Victorian era disease that I’ve been unfortunate to catch.

Ok before I post I want to make clear that I have some natural bias.

My mum had horses. This was very much her hobby. I was happy to participate from 9-13 though not as into it as she was. Mum made out that I was as passionate about it as she was. I wasnt. Weekends were often spent being planned around her hobby.

As I got older and wanted to stop doing it, there was huge pressure for me to continue doing it. Attend and participate in events I didnt want to because she wanted to go.

My niece is going through similar, as she plays the sport her dad coaches. She isnt that interested anymore, but he doesnt want to stop attending everything under the guise of 'but it's for dd'.

You will need to accept that she probably wont want to go to everything hobby related and take part, because you think it's fun and as she gets older you may need to accept this is your hobby. And becomes less shared.

I think this can be a problem with shared hobbies as kids get older.

You need to make plans to get the long where you need to go if she decides to not for her.

Do you both ride the pony?

It sounds like she didn't want to go. Does that bother you? Do you think she is doing these pony events because you want the social side of it? Maybe she doesn't feel she can tell you. Ask her what she wants to do outside of the house - she suggested bike riding...what's wrong with doing that?
If you like the horse/pony riding events than plan for you to go to these and your hubby to take her bike riding. Its OK to have different interests.

Depends a bit on how old she is, but I do think kids need chivying along a bit and encouraging to just go and do it. If she's 17 you probably need to be backing off, though.

Most people are tempted by just staying in and reading/watching TV/playing on the computer. Getting up and getting going is effort and the reward doesn't come until later and it just feels harder than it's worth until later when you are having a whale of a time and don't even remember how little you wanted go that morning! But staying at home in your only little world all the time isn't good for you. we know this. We have lots of evidence that shows how much sadder we are if we don't do things with other people. How more prone to depression, anxiety, and other MH problems. Making yourself get out of the door before it really is a problem to get out of the door is important to healthy living.

So chivying kids along and getting them used to just going anyway and then afterwards talking about how good it was - this is part of good parenting. It starts to build up some of the skills they need to maintain good mental health. Not to mention it gives them a more rounded experience of life.

If all you ever do with them is things you really, really want to do like this pony thing, then that's problematic. But if, as it sounds, this is just one of a wide range of activities you try to get them doing then it's fine. when they have their own enthusiasm and drive to do stuff they can start to direct the activities more.

So, providing she isn't about to reach adulthood, YANBU to make your DD go out at the weekend if she's using a really minor snivel as an excuse. Your DH is not being a great parent by encouraging the idea that it's fine to spend all weekend every weekend stuck in your own small world. And it's OK if sometimes the activity you want everyone to do is your favourite - you're a member of the family too.

Thank you all for the imput, it is good to hear alternative opinions.
For a bit of context, DD is 9. H and I had horses in the start of our marriage, so they've always been around. As time has gone on, horses have passed away and we have just the pony left.
The comments about it being my hobby have stung a bit, but I've needed to hear it as I always thought I wasn't one of 'those' parents .
DD wasn't guided into horses from a young age they've always been around as I said but she didn't sit on one until 6 as I put her into dance and swimming first, these have faded away and she begged and pleaded to ride from 6. So I let her have some lessons H wasn't impressed as he didn't want the expense of another one but she instigated this interest and once she got a bit better I was a bit miffed at paying out £250 for a pony doing bugger all when DD was doing hacks at the riding school that I can do for free IYSWIM.
I'm too big to ride pony but enjoy the mental health benefits of being outside even just to check fencing, give her a brush etc.
The arguments rumbled on yesterday and J and I were arguing all day about it. I used to back down in the early stages of our relationship to keep the peace but now I won't. I did say in the heat of the moment there's no point keeping pony (she's from a rescue centre so would have a good home to go back too) and just to send her back. DD starts crying because she wants to keep her and promises to ride her. This isn't how it should be .
H and I have apologised to each other now though, so it's all fine.
But I've now realised I was pressuring her to go but to enjoy the games, as there was loads for the kids to do without a pony too. Didn't help my mood when I saw all the pics on FB later, I know, FB is bad for these things.
I've agreed with H I'll plan for something for me to do by myself with pony and DD won't be involved. But we can't stay home, he's agreed that too and said he doesn't like her riding which is why he said to stay home.
Only riding she will be doing in future is her bike I think, I don't know how to navigate her and the pony going forwards. .

J = H

She's 9 - surely it's up to her whether she goes along to your hobby days or not, especially when you have a husband who is happy to take her out doing something else?

She doesn't need to go with you - the pony/horse thing is clearly your interest however much you try and convince yourself otherwise.

Why doesn't he like her riding?