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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daddy's new friend

55 replies

Rocket2019 · 14/04/2019 07:47

Please help. My ex has started going out with his more recent ex again. She has 2 girls a little older than my girl of 9.
The problem is that he is taking our child out with him. They go out together in the day and have sleepovers at her house which is 5 minutes away from his.
He only started seeing her 3 weeks ago and they've slept over twice and have plans for next weekend too.
He doesn't want a relationship with the woman yet or maybe ever he says but he seems to be using our child to see her.
I think it's too early to involve the children and using them to see each other just seems wrong.
Am I being unreasonable? I worry that when this finishes not only will he be unhappy but my daughter will miss seeing her new friends after being pushed at them.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 14/04/2019 07:49

Maybe she is just a friend he is allowed them and ask yourself if she was a man would you be as bothered?

Original poster
Rocket2019 · 14/04/2019 07:57

I think so. Its not the relationship that bothers me tbh.
It's that it's a friendship that's very early on.
Following on from a split. It's as if my child is no longer able to see her own friends. She has to see dad's friends. And she has to spend all her time with them because daddy wants to see his friend.
Fully recognise I may be being completely mad here.

OP posts:
OopsOhNoZHM · 14/04/2019 08:20

No I wouldn’t like this. Your daughter’s time with him is supposed to be just that; father-daughter time. He should be seeing his gf on his own time.

TeeJay1970 · 14/04/2019 08:32

God some women are so controlling.

Can you image if the sexes were reversed on this?

Does he get to tell you who you can see and when?

Pinkprincess1978 · 14/04/2019 08:33

Of course it's to early to introduce children however he is her dad and he gets to make us own parenting choices. There isn't much you can do unfortunately but support your dd if she feels the fall out when the relationship breaks down.

BertrandRussell · 14/04/2019 08:34

Does she have fun with the other girls?

Original poster
Rocket2019 · 14/04/2019 08:37

I don't think of myself as controlling. But if I were going to spend nights away with a man with my daughter present I would expect to answer questions.
I wouldn't dream of introducing my child into a relationship that I wasn't sure what I wanted. I wouldn't want to raise any expectations as my child has a tenancy to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rocket2019 · 14/04/2019 08:41

She does have fun. And you're right. Maybe that's what I should concentrate on.
I just hate that her friendship is determined on how her father gets on with his friend. And that she is told who her friends are rather than letting her choose.

OP posts:
WhiteDust · 14/04/2019 08:41

Does your DD get on with the other girls?

WhiteDust · 14/04/2019 08:44

X post. So they're all having a nice time.
It may last, it may not. That applies to all relationships.
Di you fear that it won't last and that your DD will not see her new friends (woman's DDs?) again?

Palaver1 · 14/04/2019 08:47

Let it be .somethings you can’t control

TeeJay1970 · 14/04/2019 08:48

You say "my daughter" like she only belongs to you.

MiniEggAddiction · 14/04/2019 08:49

YANBU but I'm not sure there's much you can do unfortunately. At least your DD is having fun.

Practicallyperfectwithprosecco · 14/04/2019 08:50

Years back when I was a single mum sometimes my daughter had to be friends with my friends children as otherwise I wouldn't see my friends only the mums of her friends.

Dated a single dad a few times but nothing romantic came of it however we became really good friends- our daughters were similar ages.

We spent time together as friends because sometimes you don't want to just be a single parent all the time and my dd was then an only child so she loved having company of her age.

This could be the same situation and as long as your dd is happy that's the main thing.

Lovemusic33 · 14/04/2019 08:51

Sadly it’s his time with your dd and he gets to chose how he spends it and who with. My ex did the same with my dd’s, he is now in a relationship (2nd one he has introduced to the dd’s), my dd’s Don’t seem effected by it at all, if I had said anything it would have just caused more issues, it’s not worth the battle.

Triglesoffy · 14/04/2019 08:52

Actually, I’m on your side OP. If your DD becomes close to the other girls and your ex splits with his ex (again) then your DD will be upset if she doesn’t see them again.

TeeJay1970 · 14/04/2019 08:53

"Sadly it's his time with your DD."

What an awful thing to say.

Why "sadly" and why is she not his DD?

Original poster
Rocket2019 · 14/04/2019 08:54

She does.
She has met them 4 times and had two sleepovers.
I should be happy she's happy. And not concentrate on what could happen in the future.
I do have a tendancy to do that.
Thank you for reminding me.

OP posts:
museumum · 14/04/2019 08:55

We have days out with adults who are “my” friends and ds plays with their kids. It’s not a terrible thing. I remember these “family friends” from my childhood.
Of course I do understand it’s not quite the same if the adults are shagging. I guess it depends on everybody’s expectations and the likelihood of the adults falling out and ending the children’s friendship.

Original poster
Rocket2019 · 14/04/2019 08:57

Teejay. She is. I don't want to give the wrong impression. She really is his dd.

OP posts:
Ellapaella · 14/04/2019 08:58

Don't all our kids have some friendships just because their parents are friends though?
I have regular meet ups and trips away with my friends and their kids who are similar ages to mine - they don't go to the same school as my kids and otherwise might not be friends at all.
I'd try and see that element of it in this way, friendships do come and go in childhood, I don't think that aspect will have a huge impact. But I do agree it's quite early on in a relationship to be spending so much time together with the kids and personally I wouldn't do it.
My eldest son is 16 now and sadly his Dad has had countless girlfriends and wives come and go over the years - it really hasn't impacted my son at all fortunately. I was the one who provided stability and consistency and I think as long as you continue to do that things will be ok. Unfortunately you will have to come to terms with the fact that you just cannot control what your ex does in the future frustrating as it may be.

Missingstreetlife · 14/04/2019 09:00

Don't see the problem really about friends, we all have friends who move on for various reasons, ppl we meet on holiday, moving house, job, school etc. Your daughter has you for stability. If she is invited to play date, parties in his time suggest he is told, or tell him so he can take her. Sounds like he struggles on his own and likes company, ready made family etc!

It's more how he is presenting the relationship that may be confusing, and how much this woman is involved in parenting your dc and making decisions. How often does he have dc to stay?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 14/04/2019 09:01

The Op is beating round the bush ! If I may put words in your mouth, your concern is that your daughter may build a genuine friendship with one or both of the other girls. But when your ex and his booty call move on, then your daughter may have an impact by no longer seeing her friends? I think that's a reasonable concern for an parent.

There are always "what ifs" in situations and frankly, most of us know and would be reasonable enough to minimise or manage potential upset our children may encounter.

Next time, in the ex's quest for a quick shag, he might be lugging his daughter along to a sleep over where there is a teenage boy in situ, one with issues - most abuse is perpetrated by people close to us, by people we have introduced our children to.

I'd be concerned that your Ex is actually a feckless prat, lead by the promise of getting his dick wet without assessing "risk".

GreytExpectations · 14/04/2019 09:02

I agree with @TeeJay1970 on this. Its shicking how controlling some mothers are, this thread really shows it. Saying things like "my daughter" and how its "sadly his time with her". Thats so uosetting that fathers are just pushed out of the way like that.

GreytExpectations · 14/04/2019 09:03

Apologies for typos. That should be shocking and upsetting