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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daddy's new friend

55 replies

Rocket2019 · 14/04/2019 07:47

Please help. My ex has started going out with his more recent ex again. She has 2 girls a little older than my girl of 9.
The problem is that he is taking our child out with him. They go out together in the day and have sleepovers at her house which is 5 minutes away from his.
He only started seeing her 3 weeks ago and they've slept over twice and have plans for next weekend too.
He doesn't want a relationship with the woman yet or maybe ever he says but he seems to be using our child to see her.
I think it's too early to involve the children and using them to see each other just seems wrong.
Am I being unreasonable? I worry that when this finishes not only will he be unhappy but my daughter will miss seeing her new friends after being pushed at them.

OP posts:
SimonJT · 14/04/2019 09:07

Friendships end for all sorts of reasons, it’s a normal part of childhood. My sons only proper friend at nursery recently moved to Coventry with his family, I’m not going to not send my son to nursery incase he loses another friend.

If a single parent chooses to remain single and doesn’t introduce their child to any partners or friends that’s fine, it’s equally fine that some people do choose to do introductions and spend time with friends/partners around their children.

ALannisterInDebt · 14/04/2019 09:09

It's not great really that after just a few weeks he's introduced DD to his new shag (not fair on her kids either), and even sleeping over, he's sending the message that new shag is his top priority and not spending one on one time with DD.

Feeling concerned is not controlling, it's common sense.

Unfortunately he's not going to change or listen to anything you say, you can only manage your DD's expectations and gently remind her that sometimes even grown ups fall out and that you and her DF will always be constant in her life regardless of who your 'new friends' are. And be positive about her weekends with him and not let her pick up
On any bitterness from you.

LemonTT · 14/04/2019 09:22

The opening post suggests this woman is someone the ex dated before so she’s not someone new or recent into his life.

He’s not making a good decision to blend things until they both know this is a committed relationship but even then relationships break up. The friendships may or may not survive.

Teaching her daughter the resilience to deal with this is the way to go. Because whilst she is entitled to have an opinion she can’t voice it to him or her daughter. Certainly this is not an area where she can ask questions as she suggested in a later post.

Original poster
Rocket2019 · 14/04/2019 09:23

Sorry about the my daughter. I am conscious I am writing on my behalf and not with her dad that's all. I have no doubt of his love for her. Just that like us all sometimes I am worried he's putting his needs before hers and about the effect of that on my daughter.

OP posts:
Sturmundcalm · 14/04/2019 09:23

there's a massive difference between meeting up with friends and in essence living with a new family!! it sounds as though your ex only really has your DD once a week and now every time he has her they stay at his other ex's house - which is not how "friendships" normally work when they first start.

I don't think there's anything you can do about it and other PPs are right that he gets to parent in the way he chooses but I totally understand why you are concerned about it.

prh47bridge · 14/04/2019 09:24

Unless there are genuine safeguarding issues, you cannot control what he does with your daughter while she is in his care. Equally, he cannot control what you do while she is in your care.

damnthatoneistakenagain · 14/04/2019 09:25

Of COURSE you have a right to be pissed off and worried. Most women would be, and pay no attention to the naysayers on here, putting you down, and calling you needy and insecure and controlling. THEY wouldn't like it either. Ignore them. And picking on you saying 'my daughter' instead of OURS. FFS, if every woman got a tenner for every time they did that/said that, they'd be millionaires.

Ignore it all OP, you have every right to be upset and insecure about it.

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 14/04/2019 09:33

Oh ffs every Mother typing about their child will call them ‘my dd ‘ or ‘my ds’ should they refer to them as ‘fathers daughter’, will the fathers refer to their child as Mothers daughter or Mothers son? I am happily married and both dh and I use ‘my dd’ or ‘my ds!’ Stop getting knickers twisted over a natural turn of phrase for EVERY parent to use! As whether you like it or not the OP is her Mother and her dd is HER daughter!

OP I think it’s shite to be honest, how many Mothers would take our dd’s to sleepover with children they have only met once. I have only allowed dd to sleepover with friends she has known for a decent amount of time and it doesn’t matter that her DF is there, in fact it makes it all the more bloody confusing for your little dd! It’s selfish of her DF, he has other weekends surely when he is not with your dd! I think it’s pretty shitty of the Mum introducing a new man so quickly to her dd’s and having him staying overnight, it doesn’t matter how they dress it up to the kids as being a ‘sleepover’. The pair of them are being bloody selfish!

I don’t think you are controlling at all OP, you are just a Mother who has her daughters best interests at heart. Unlike your ex who clearly is more concerned with his cocks interests!

Original poster
Rocket2019 · 14/04/2019 09:33

Sturmuncalm. Thank you. That's it exactly. But everyone else is right too about friendships ending.
I'm not really insecure just worried about her resilience and I'll be there for her.
Hopefully this will be the last time.

OP posts:
finn1020 · 14/04/2019 09:34

It’s clear you have her best interests at heart but try not to worry too much. It’s good that she’s having fun, and she may actually enjoy her time more with her dad when she spends time with these girls at the same time too.

I know you don’t want her to get hurt if all of a sudden she doesn’t get to see them any more, but as long as we teach kids to be resilient, they can be. If their dads friendship ends and she stops seeing these girls it’s a chance to help her cope with change from a positive POV, like it was fun to play with them and you know she misses them, but sometimes that happens in life (friends can move away or even just move classes at school), but she will make new friends etc. if it happened it would only be a minor blip in the scheme of things and kids who learn to deal with minor sad events are better prepared for those bigger challenges later in life.

Exhausted18 · 14/04/2019 09:35

This site is so misogynistic at times. If a women was bringing her child for sleepovers to a new man's house so she could maintain her sex life she would be read the riot act (and rightly so). But I guess children only come before your sex life if you are a woman Hmm.

I think he is being a shit parent OP and he should be able to keep his DD and new gf/fwb/whatever separate when all is so new. If they were in a relationship for a few months it would be different in my opinion. But unfortunately there is not much you can do. He is allowed to do what he wants (within reason) on his time.

Original poster
Rocket2019 · 14/04/2019 09:37

Finn1020
Thank you. That makes perfect sense. Smile

OP posts:
KC225 · 14/04/2019 09:54

OP. Wow some of the responses - what is it with the mumsnet pile ons.

I think he is being an arse and you have every right to call out his behaviour. He is dragging your daughter round there to shag a woman he may not want a relationship with. If the woman only lives five minutes away he could easily see the woman during the week when her children away or in bed. What if the woman thinks this is going to be the next big thing in her life? I am assuming he hasn't told the woman, I don't want a relationship, but its handy having a shag round the corner.

It's poor choice, and you are not being controlling.

category12 · 14/04/2019 10:00

Yes, he shouldn't be introducing his girlfriend/not-girlfriend to your dd so soon - it's poor parenting and doesn't put her first.

Little you can actually do about it.

Original poster
Rocket2019 · 14/04/2019 10:05

Yep you're right. Its up to him who sees our daughter when she's with him. I may worry but I can't do anything about it and the worry may be for nothing.

OP posts:
SquishySquirmy · 14/04/2019 10:08

"if the sexes were reversed"

The advice given out on here, very consistently, to single mothers is that they SHOULDN'T introduce men to their kids too soon.
I've even seen posters suggest waiting until at least 6 months!

It is great if the kids all get along, but the adults aren't really just "friends" are they? New Romantic relationships (or even fwb) are more short lived than friendships so I don't think it's really the same as children spending time with the kids if their parent's friends.

I don't think op is controlling to have concerns over her child being used to facilitate her father's love life, and I'm surprised at the responses on here.

If he wants to see the woman, why does he need to use the DD as an excuse? Presumably he has plenty of opportunity to see her outside his contact time?

SquishySquirmy · 14/04/2019 10:14

Oh and btw, saying "my daughter" is a perfectly natural and normal way to refer to your daughter in everyday speech/writing.

I am with my dd's dad, and i would still use "my DD" as the automatic way to refer to her. My DH would do the same... Eg "got to leave early today to pick up my daughter from holiday club".

It is not a sinister sign that you're possessive, nor is it a Freudian slip, nor is it anything you need to be sorry for.
It is just how humans talk without overthinking.

TeeJay1970 · 14/04/2019 10:18

My first comment was actually aimes at OopsOhNo not the OP. I should've made that clear.

Sawyershair · 14/04/2019 10:23

OP I’m with you. He has her once a week and he can’t even spare that for his own child?

Who said “she has you for stability” why on earth should we just accept that men can be a bit shit and pull children from relationship to relationship but don’t worry they have mummy for stability!

Christ men really do get off scot free don’t they, like we can’t even expect the minimum from them and if we do we’re needy and controlling

MiniEggAddiction · 14/04/2019 10:27

If a women was bringing her child for sleepovers to a new man's house so she could maintain her sex life she would be read the riot act

I totally agree with this. If OP came on here saying I have a new casual relationship and my DC's father is annoyed I'm bringing the DC's over for sleep overs at his house. The OP would get absolutely slaughtered.

Original poster
Rocket2019 · 14/04/2019 10:28

He does have time to see away from my daughter. I don't know if he does. As for them sleeping together. I really don't know. It's just the involvement of our daughter that I'm worried about and the consequences of that.
I guess to put it into context this is the fourth family she's been integrated into by her dad and she is still missing the last.
Be a relationship or a friendship it just seems that she is one left when it's over as well as her dad.
But I understand there's nothing I can do just not sure if I'm over reacting or not. I think now I just need to accept and be there for her if it all stops.

OP posts:
Mintychoc1 · 14/04/2019 10:29

Ah the lovely MN double standard again.

If a woman posted here saying “I’ve been seeing a new man for 3 weeks, we spend lots of time together with my DD and new man’s kids, and he has sleepovers”, she would be absolutely slated for it.

But a man does it, and it’s all “don’t be controlling, it’s his time he can do what he likes, she’s his daughter too” etc.

OP it’s inappropriate and wrong, simple as that.

Sawyershair · 14/04/2019 10:33

4 times he’s done this?

I’m sorry but id be protecting my DDs emotional well-being and telling him straight!

Yougotdis · 14/04/2019 10:39

Well its happened now. If it goes tits up and she’s upset then use that as an opportunity to discuss mutual guidelines for introducing romantic partners

GarthFunkel · 14/04/2019 10:47

It sounds like a perfect weekend for him. He doesn't have to look after his DD by himself and he gets a shag.