MIL obsessed with my DD being just like her...

[KellyW88]

I’m currently a hormonal wreck so please forgive me if this seems like an incoherent rant (I’m in the latent phase of labour and it’s been 3 days since it started!)

MIL is well known for speaking without thinking and for being somewhat self centered, she isn’t a selfish person though, but finds it difficult to appreciate another persons perspective on ANYTHING.

Examples of some things she has said “without thinking”:

On the day my DD and DS were born they were transferred to another hospital miles away, I was still recovering from an emergency C Section and I couldn’t be transferred with them. I got to see DS alone before he was put into his travel incubator but MIL got there in time to see my DD, which resulted in her saying this:

“She’s really tiny! But don’t worry, statistically girls survive more than boys.” I was horrified, my Mum tersely reminded her that THEIR Grandson was currently being transferred to another hospital.

“DGD looks just like me, EVERYBODY says so.” My DD is 18 months old. My DH recently said to MIL that DD has my ears, MIL said “Oh they’re more like mine, but she’s only little so her features will change. You can’t really say which parent she’ll look like.”

On the subject of DD’s ears. “Have you asked to get them pinned? They stick out a bit and she might get bullied one day.” When DD was 10. Months. Old. Also DD has a fairly large strawberry birthmark on the back of her head down near the neckline, MIL is constantly asking if it will go away or is there any surgical option available - and has been since DD was about 8 months old.

To try and be more succinct, everything cute about DD MIL will insist is just like her, small imperfections that MIL perceives are attributed to me in some roundabout way or need to be corrected.

She also insists she’ll take DD to have her ears pierced when DD wants them piercing (assuming much?), that she’ll take her to have her nails done, they’ll have girly shopping trips etc. DD as I said is 18 months old and I’m worried that MIL (who ‘accidentally’ referred to herself as ‘Mummy’ with my twins today) has a very detailed fantasy of how DD will be and any deviation from that idealised version of DD will cause issues for both of them down the line....

But I’m feeling all this whilst experiencing a drawn out early labour, I’m possibly getting neurotic due to lack of sleep, random periods of contractions that can be quite painful at times (so God knows what I’ll be like during active labour!), and being hormonal and emotional in general as I wait to finally bring DC3 into the world!

She sounds really annoying. I'd ask your DH to speak with her and just say that you're finding her comments a bit OTT and slightly crossing a line.

She needs to be put in her place. What does your dh say about all this.

Congrats on DC3!

These do sound upsetting instances. Is she nice the rest of the time? I'd tell her (or get your DH to) to stop commenting or being concerned about the birthmark - your DD isn't that far off picking up on what she is talking about.

YaNBU she sounds way ott.

And good luck with DC3.

Good luck with DC3. Labour sucks! But remember to keep breathing - tensing over MIL will not help!

However I can see exactly why she books your piss.

I think next time she says something about DD ears make a comment along the lines of "well you said they are like yours and you've done fine". Or "you will NOT get my child's ears pierced without my consent if you want to see her again".

Also maybe point out that DD is only likely to have issue with marks on her body if mil teachers her they are wrong.

A relative of mine was a bit like this. As a result of this and more has never had sole charge. My dd hate 'girly shopping trips' and fight to avoid anything pink or frilly. You will have much more influence on them than she will. Now if we do see relative the dd just roll their eyes at any suggestions.

YANBU at all. Your MIL sounds like an insensitive moron. My MIL used to do this to me as well, I found that if I said anything she would just ignore me so I spoke to DH about it and he started pulling her up on it every time, saying things like “don’t be ridiculous, she clearly looks like Carrie too”. She would try and claim anything positive, but anything negative, such as baby being a bad sleeper, having allergies etc was ALWAYS my fault though. Although, nothing shut her up quite as effectively as my DC eventually turning into mini me’s of my mum and I. I got the old baby photos of my family out just to make sure MIL really couldn’t deny it. It was hilarious and she’s never done it again since. Probably a bit petty, but after having every single part of my children’s looks and personality attributed to her or some random relative on their side, it was time for me to show that I wasn’t just a rent-a-womb. However, comments like that combined with the other insensitive comments that your MIL makes would make me go very low contact. Enjoy your beautiful babies OP and don’t let her affect your time with them. Congratulations on your imminent arrival

My mother was like this about my dd. She regularly defined dd. She didn’t say dd looked like her. Rather she called my dh, called her “little dh name” and tried to say she liked men better than women just like me apparently. Dd was the complete opposite. From the time she could talk she expressed fear of men. She criticised my parenting as dd got older, threatened to smack her. In the end I got very very firm and put her in her place. I suggest you do the same.

I take it mother in law hasn’t got any DDs of her own?

This would cause me to snap, hormones or not. I am sure in time DD will really really enjoy her Grandmother telling her about all her imperfections and then reminding her how much she looks like a much older woman 🤨 - I can see now what my 21 year old DD would say to her now.

Her son needs to have words as a warning and then you need to tell her straight and blunt, and who cares if she takes offence.

Nothing useful to add but the strawberry marks at the nape of the neck are known as 'stork bites' and caucasians tend to have them very frequently. Proper term is naevus flammeus nuchae.

They can last all your life but mostly they fade either to nothing or tiny vestiges. Even if they last, they are rarely seen because hair grows over them. No treatment is needed.

Your DH needs to have a stern word with his mother.

I don’t think her calling herself mummy is anything to worry about. I’m forever saying things like “come to mummy” or “pass that to mummy” to my niece and I’ve even said it while teaching in the past!

Good luck, hope dc3 arrives soon.

And yes dh needs to pull her up on it every time.

Agree with others that DH should be saying something as she's his mother

burr the MIL clearly calls herself mummy intentionally!

OP, it’s clear that she probably didn’t have any daughters herself and is behaving very imappropriately....especially as your daughter has a twin brother (think golden child mentality). Your DH needs to say something (well you both do). Every. Single. Time.

Good luck and congratulations on DC3

She's being a bit clumsy with how she speaks, I
agree. I think lots of grandparents do this, it's their way of claiming them for their family. I'd just laugh it off, or make a joke, ooh look how she's holding that Apple, just like you do mil, for eg if she's going over the top.

The negative comments about her looks need stopping though I agree.

“Please don't mention dd’s birth mark or her ears again. Children understand much more than we think they do and you will make her self conscious. This is very important”

The rest? Just annoying background noise. The sort of thing people burble on to babies about. My mum used to chat about taking them out on painting trips with her, and fil use to talk about teaching them to drive.

And my favourite from dp’s grandad. I have very red hair. When dd was born he said “oh, she’s got red hair! That comes from my side of the family-lovely red hair my mother had”

My mil has always been like this. Always saying that my dd looks just like her or if it's something that's not she will say she's like her dad! It's very annoying!! She says things like oh all my friends at work can tell she's my granddaughter etc so I have to say well everyone at my work say she's my double. It's starts to become a competition and there's just no point. I try and let it go over my head but now I'll just have a dig back and say oh well I hope she doesn't have your xyz. But she's all about looks mil and has had some cosmetic surgery in the past and always seems to focus on people's looks.

She sounds annoying. My mil insists that my DD looks exactly like her and SIL. Every one else ever says she is the spit of me! I just ignore and carry on

My MIL does exactly the same thing, DS is three now so I bite back because I've had it constantly. In our case, anything DS says or does is just like DH or his three brothers. She just won't let him have a personality of his own.
DS has a shock of curls, which clearly take after her son's baby curls Nothing to do with me being mixed race at all no?
DS has a tantrum/picks his nose "ooohhh my boys used to do that!".

He was actually due on her birthday, it's the only thing that makes me glad for the long labour that made him two days late, because when my waters broke on her birthday I dreaded what it would be like.

Even now, pregnant with number 2. Told her the due date "oh he could be born on Uncle X's birthday and that's Auntie Y's birthday". Drives me mad that my children are never just children, they're always something to do with someone else.

Oh yes, we still get snippets of this 9 years in!

MIL tried to insist on being called mamar, dd calls me mama. Dd's curls came from her, her being smart came from her, her artistic talent, everything positive. We also had the I must have my grandchild alone every month (we live 2.5 hours away and she wouldn't travel to us).

I finally snapped when dd was 3 and told her if she wanted a relationship with her granddaughter then she needed to start showing some respect to her mother. That she was 50% me and that she was being insensitive and downright rude. We didn't speak for a few months (I'm not known for my diplomatic skills) until I pointed out that she was the one missing out.

It's better now, still get the odd comment but I pull her up on it.

My MIL is like that. With DS she insisted everything he did was just like my DH as if I had nothing to do with it. I now have a 5 month old DD & she is worse as she always wanted a DD of her own. She keeps saying DD looks like her although DD looks identical to DS who is the spitting image of me.
Tbh - very annoying but we just smile & ignore. The thing that really gets me are the comments about what a wonderful dad DH is as if I do nothing but I think that is more because she is unimpressed that i am not a stay at home mother like she was!

Ah, I would take offence. She sounds mildly annoying, just let her on with it and roll your eyes later.

My mother in law is exactly like this. It has totally tarnished our relationship with her but I have no advice unfortunately. When ds was born she said it was a shame as she’d already bought a load of pink clothes because she’d assumed he’d be a girl -WTF? She also told us how disappointed she’d been and FiL had been when her second son had been born. Her second son is dh! Incidentally I went on to have a girl but our relationship hasn’t recovered from all the barbed comments early on with ds.

Also I don’t believe all the ‘Oh she’s not horrible she’s just tactless’ rhetoric. This is how MiL gets away with saying whatever the hell she likes with no repercussions. She knows what she’s saying.

Yanbu

But may I suggest you step away from MN. Switch the internet off and put your thoughts about MIL to one side. Don’t let her ruin this labour. Mentally tell her to fuck off. You don’t need this distraction.

I went for a walk during early labour. It really helped! Anything that takes your mind off her.

Good luck and I hope this birth goes well.