MIL obsessed with my DD being just like her...

[KellyW88]

I’m currently a hormonal wreck so please forgive me if this seems like an incoherent rant (I’m in the latent phase of labour and it’s been 3 days since it started!)

MIL is well known for speaking without thinking and for being somewhat self centered, she isn’t a selfish person though, but finds it difficult to appreciate another persons perspective on ANYTHING.

Examples of some things she has said “without thinking”:

On the day my DD and DS were born they were transferred to another hospital miles away, I was still recovering from an emergency C Section and I couldn’t be transferred with them. I got to see DS alone before he was put into his travel incubator but MIL got there in time to see my DD, which resulted in her saying this:

“She’s really tiny! But don’t worry, statistically girls survive more than boys.” I was horrified, my Mum tersely reminded her that THEIR Grandson was currently being transferred to another hospital.

“DGD looks just like me, EVERYBODY says so.” My DD is 18 months old. My DH recently said to MIL that DD has my ears, MIL said “Oh they’re more like mine, but she’s only little so her features will change. You can’t really say which parent she’ll look like.”

On the subject of DD’s ears. “Have you asked to get them pinned? They stick out a bit and she might get bullied one day.” When DD was 10. Months. Old. Also DD has a fairly large strawberry birthmark on the back of her head down near the neckline, MIL is constantly asking if it will go away or is there any surgical option available - and has been since DD was about 8 months old.

To try and be more succinct, everything cute about DD MIL will insist is just like her, small imperfections that MIL perceives are attributed to me in some roundabout way or need to be corrected.

She also insists she’ll take DD to have her ears pierced when DD wants them piercing (assuming much?), that she’ll take her to have her nails done, they’ll have girly shopping trips etc. DD as I said is 18 months old and I’m worried that MIL (who ‘accidentally’ referred to herself as ‘Mummy’ with my twins today) has a very detailed fantasy of how DD will be and any deviation from that idealised version of DD will cause issues for both of them down the line....

But I’m feeling all this whilst experiencing a drawn out early labour, I’m possibly getting neurotic due to lack of sleep, random periods of contractions that can be quite painful at times (so God knows what I’ll be like during active labour!), and being hormonal and emotional in general as I wait to finally bring DC3 into the world!

Genetics are really funny. I have been really lucky and no one in my family says "oh they look like so and so" people usually say they look like me, but I don't see it. My DD is the spit of my DH with my MIL hair colour and my DS is the spit of my brother. I keep Thinking there isn't anything of me in my DD, until her attitude comes out and then I am like, there I am .
In response to your MIL if she is saying she is so like me, say I don't see it myself, then wait until your DD has a tantrum and say oh yes there you are, that should shut her up.

“'you know who your mummy is don't you? Granny is the old one who doesn't want to admit it'.”

Wow- the mil must have been awful to warrant such rudeness!

“In response to your MIL if she is saying she is so like me, say I don't see it myself, then wait until your DD has a tantrum and say oh yes there you are, that should shut her up.”

Or say “yes, it’s lovely, she’s got your eyes. And look, my nose and mouth!”

Or smile and ignore- it’s just chat.

The things people get upset about! My stepson’s baby has brilliant blue eyes, exactly like his mum’s, they’ve skipped a generation and popped up again. I’ve kept my mouth shut about it but I bet the owner of the eyes hasn’t. And why should she? It’s just chat.

I see family likenesses in one of my brother’s children. The odd thing is that she not a blood relation- but she has mannerisms that are uncannily like his.

Move away. Far away. She sounds horrible and your DD especially will benefit from a bit of distance.

If you would sincerely like to have a good relationship with her, I think you have every right to call her on those cutting remarks. My grandmother was a bitch to my mother for years, and my mother put up with it, but then, when my grandmother was old, my mother had absolutely had had her fill of her MIL's treatment and would never visit her again. So it would be better, I think, to say, "I know you're too smart to cross a line like getting my daughter's ears pierced without my permission. That would be very unfortunate." Because honestly, it would be, wouldn't it?

Wowzers I didn’t expect so many replies but it’s fantastic to read that I’m not alone in this frustration :)

Sorry for my late response to you all but DH let me stay in bed for most of today whilst he takes charge with the twins and I slept a heck of a lot (due to slow latent labour I’m still at home as MW has advised not quite far along enough for hospital admission yet).

Sorry I can’t reply to you all individually but I will address what I can from your lovely replies :D

DH pulls MIL up on this - a lot - but she’s rather dismissive of him because she seems to think he’s either joking (even when he makes it clear he isn’t) or she gets upset with him for making a big deal out of what she thinks is nothing but her expressing her love for DD.

I shut her down about getting DD’s ears pinned straight away, as it offended me hugely, but whenever she leaves after a visit it’s like a reset button goes off in her head and she brings it up again when she visits the next time. This is true for most things we tell her (she still doesn’t remember what job DH does even though he’s been in it for 7 years and it’s not the hardest to remember, also she moans DH doesn’t have a closer relationship with her and tell her things but whenever he does she either doesn’t listen to his concerns properly or denies he’s ever said it).

To those who have mentioned that MIL has no DD you’re absolutely right, MIL only managed to have one child, my DH, which was a very difficult pregnancy for her and lead to a premature birth and DH was touch and go for a while and afterwards it was not possible for her to have another child and I try to keep this in mind when she’s ‘fawning’.

I think the main reason it worries me about their future relationship is something similar occurred with my brother. He and I were raised by my Grandparents and my Granddad was so excited to get to raise a boy as he’d never had a son (My GP’s had 4 daughters) but my DB was NOTHING like my Granddad wanted him to be which over the years lead to some awful interactions between them and my DB still has issues because he could never live up to our Granddads expectations and I just don’t want that for DD and MIL :’) a lot of weird emotions at the moment and thank you all for your well wishes too!

We will keep on correcting her politely - but I think just flatly replying “DD is DD and she will be herself and looks like herself!” hopefully with enough repetition she’ll get it.

I could go on about some other things she says that makes me laugh/cringe (yesterday she insisted teething doesn’t hurt babies/toddlers and that it’s just used as an excuse - I called BS straight away lol 😂)