Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

MIL obsessed with my DD being just like her...

58 replies

KellyW88 · 14/04/2019 05:48

I’m currently a hormonal wreck so please forgive me if this seems like an incoherent rant (I’m in the latent phase of labour and it’s been 3 days since it started!)

MIL is well known for speaking without thinking and for being somewhat self centered, she isn’t a selfish person though, but finds it difficult to appreciate another persons perspective on ANYTHING.

Examples of some things she has said “without thinking”:

On the day my DD and DS were born they were transferred to another hospital miles away, I was still recovering from an emergency C Section and I couldn’t be transferred with them. I got to see DS alone before he was put into his travel incubator but MIL got there in time to see my DD, which resulted in her saying this:

“She’s really tiny! But don’t worry, statistically girls survive more than boys.” I was horrified, my Mum tersely reminded her that THEIR Grandson was currently being transferred to another hospital.

“DGD looks just like me, EVERYBODY says so.” My DD is 18 months old. My DH recently said to MIL that DD has my ears, MIL said “Oh they’re more like mine, but she’s only little so her features will change. You can’t really say which parent she’ll look like.”

On the subject of DD’s ears. “Have you asked to get them pinned? They stick out a bit and she might get bullied one day.” When DD was 10. Months. Old. Also DD has a fairly large strawberry birthmark on the back of her head down near the neckline, MIL is constantly asking if it will go away or is there any surgical option available - and has been since DD was about 8 months old.

To try and be more succinct, everything cute about DD MIL will insist is just like her, small imperfections that MIL perceives are attributed to me in some roundabout way or need to be corrected.

She also insists she’ll take DD to have her ears pierced when DD wants them piercing (assuming much?), that she’ll take her to have her nails done, they’ll have girly shopping trips etc. DD as I said is 18 months old and I’m worried that MIL (who ‘accidentally’ referred to herself as ‘Mummy’ with my twins today) has a very detailed fantasy of how DD will be and any deviation from that idealised version of DD will cause issues for both of them down the line....

But I’m feeling all this whilst experiencing a drawn out early labour, I’m possibly getting neurotic due to lack of sleep, random periods of contractions that can be quite painful at times (so God knows what I’ll be like during active labour!), and being hormonal and emotional in general as I wait to finally bring DC3 into the world!

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/04/2019 07:47

I’d say “you’re so good at seeing what you want to see MIL”. Post labour hormones would be a good time for snapping at her.

Hels1987 · 14/04/2019 07:48

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/04/2019 07:49

Your MIL sounds like hard work and not someone to spend too much time with. It’s best to just shrug off that sort of low level competitive nonsense from a parent or in law. She’s setting herself up for failure with your kids. She isn’t (currently at any rate) influencing your kids world in any way. So your reaction does seem a little OTT and possible influenced by labour and hormones. Try to let it wash over you. You hold all the power here.

All the best for the labour. I hope it’s over soon. And then - Congratulations! On your new DC.

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/04/2019 07:51

I rather like Testing’s response.

Jebuschristchocolatebar · 14/04/2019 07:52

My two kids have/had those birthmarks by the way. As someone else said they fade away after a few years. My eldest son’s has gone completely.
My mil is a horror. One of mine looks like his dad and the other looks a lot like me, she is always making snide remarks about how different the one looks to the rest of the family, insinuating he isn’t dh’s. I actually think it just annoys her to see so much of me in the kids.

HoraceCope · 14/04/2019 07:53

Let it go op, dont be stressed. Just ignore, hopefully she will be helpful to you in future so dont fall out, particularly with lo due any day

Jebuschristchocolatebar · 14/04/2019 07:54

I should add my kids have zero interest in mil becuase even they see her behavior as wacky and not nice. They would rather spend time with a granny who plays with them and is nice to them

pictish · 14/04/2019 07:55

I think I can relate to some of what you say. When ds1 was little my mother used to insist that he was the ‘absolute image’ of my brother all the time which was really odd as it was quite obvious he is the spit of me! He still is at 17 now.
I remember my aunt (her sister) looking at her oddly and saying, “You don’t think he looks more like Pict?”, but my mum loftily replied, “Oh no...I just look at him and see (brother).”, as if I had had nothing to do with it. My aunt thought it was bizarre as well.

She never once said he looked like me, even though the resemblance is plainer than the nose on both of our faces. She just saw what she wanted to see. I actually found it very aggravating.

The fact is, you’ll have to ignore this irritating little nuance. It’s not something you can persuade anyone over.

Blueuggboots · 14/04/2019 07:56

I'd use being in labour to send her a really blunt message about it and then blame it on hormones/drugs....but it will get the point across!
Or blow out at your husband and insist he tells her to back off!

slipperywhensparticus · 14/04/2019 07:57

When dd throws a tantrum your right mil she is just like you....😁 (as a joke obviously)

megrichardson · 14/04/2019 08:00

I have nothing to add to what others have said, but I too would be absolutely pissed off at the stupid woman. Best wishes with your new baby.

WatcherintheRye · 14/04/2019 08:04

I once read a theory (maybe on here!) that MILs of DILs are subconsciously driven to try and find similarities and likenesses to their side of the family in grandchildren, because there is no other 'proof' that the child is their son's! (Other than demanding a DNA test, which would be a step too far, even for most MN MILs )

Maybe cut a bit of slack with any 'he/she looks just like X' comments, but definitely put a stop to talking about looks and features in a negative way, or making plans for what's going to happen with them - that would really annoy me.

And congrats on no. 3, op!

AnnaMagnani · 14/04/2019 08:11

The quicker you fall out out, the quicker you can make up.

'Will you just shut up about that birthmark' should do it.

DoctorDread · 14/04/2019 08:15

My ex mil was like this. Tell dh to have a word and if that doesn't work I'd make a blunt comment to nip this in the bud. It won't improve. Good luck with the baby

BertrandRussell · 14/04/2019 08:24

Isn’t the “Oh he looks just like X, look at his nose” “yes but his eyes are just like Y” chat just normal? I think it’s funny that ds looks as if he is a clone of his dad-as if i wasn’t involved at all. Everybody knows I was, of course!

But as I said earlier-stomp on the comment about ears and birthmark. The birthmark will fade- dd had one on her neck and her forehead, and it had gone by the time she was about 3.

Cismyfatarse1 · 14/04/2019 08:30

My MiL (ironically) had the best comeback for this.

No. She looks just like herself.

Roomba · 14/04/2019 08:33

I had my mother telling me non stop how much DS1 looks like her side of the family, he was a clone of me/her/her father, everything he did was just like something our side does... It drove my DP nuts, even though tbf DS really did look a lot like me when he was small and everyone commented on it. My mother was clearly doing it to make my DP feel excluded as she didn't like him.

Now that DS is a teenager who looks the absolute spitting image of his father, any comments about who he looks like/his mannerisms have stopped dead! My aunt commented on how handsome DS was in a photo and my mother just went 'Mmm' with a sour look on her face . We don't see much of her because of her attitudes so we just laugh at it now.

Lauriestory · 14/04/2019 08:48

My children look exactly like me. They have many other physical aspects of their Dad but facially they look very like me. Everyone comments on it (family/friends/strangers). I don’t take it as a compliment particularly as I had no control over how our genes were distributed

My in laws CONSTANTLY say how much our children look like my husband. They look absolutely nothing like him.

It’s harmless and no doubt linked to the fact that they think my husband is the world’s most perfect person but for some reason it really gets on my nerves!

Good luck with DC3’s imminent arrival

LetsDoThisAgain · 14/04/2019 08:49

She sounds awful and horribly insensitive. Good luck with labour!

Newyearsameoldshit · 14/04/2019 08:57

This must be a thing, my mil does it too!
Any similarities (real or imagined) to her side of the family are fawned over and she's keen to claim any achievements that might have the tiniest thing to do with her. Drives me batty.

I would pull her up on talking negatively about a birth mark, ears, anything else she decides, and try and let the other stuff go.

Now my baby is a tantrum throwing toddler I laugh and say 'ah, she must get her dramatic side from you mil!'

blackcat86 · 14/04/2019 08:58

DD (8 months) also has strawberry marks including a big one on her head and a smaller one her face. Both will go in time and given that it took me months to try and get an infection in the big one under control the aesthetics simply dont bother me. The in laws comment on it constantly though. FIL said he was scared to touch it (referring to the larger mark) and MIL said the children at nursery will make fun and point at her it out hadn't gone by then . I maintain that children dont care nor have they until now so it's the adults that have the issue. This has really stopped MIL. I just reiterate it's her issue if she says anything.

I think you need to work on your boundaries and be clear what you want for your children. Yes you want her to have a relationship but you are their mother and you will decide when your daughter gets her ears pierced (should she want to) not MIL.

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 14/04/2019 09:12

My ds was an absolute clone of his Daddy as a newborn, you could put the newborn pics of dh and ds together and if it were not for the difference in clothes you would think he was the same baby! Everyone commented on it, not just MIL. Although he changed so much and although he has some of dh’s features (it’s clear dh is his Daddy) he actually looks very like my youngest brother (who is very like my Mums Dad) which is totally random!

So when dd came out with a shock of black hair and with massive eyes, she was clearly a mini version of me and (likely to in-laws horror) my Dad! Poor Dh had to listen to my Dad and Mum going on about how much she looked like my Dad, she absolutely does, in fact she is more like my eldest brother who is a clone of my Dad (poor dh was most put out when my brother was mistaken as the Daddy in hospital after dd was born). Dd is still the image of my Dad and eldest brother, in fact when I asked my Dad to collect dd from school (not long after she started) I phoned to pre warn the school, but there was no need, her teacher took one look at my Dad and said ‘there is no need to ask who you are here for, ‘Claire’s dd your GD is here’ .

Of course MIL favoured DS as he looked so like dh, which is a shame as dd actually has a lot of dh’s traits, (both she and ds are the spit of dh when they are sleeping) and personality wise is so like dh! Anyway we are no contact for other reasons.

My reply would be ‘isn’t genetics fascinating, it’s funny how babies can look so like their Daddy in some ways and so like their Mummy in others. Of course each side of the family are going to see their side in the baby, because of their memories of the Mother or Father as a baby. It is so interesting and as babies change so quickly, it is lovely imagining what he/ she will look like when they are older!’

AdobeWanKenobi · 14/04/2019 09:50

MIL always emphasised how much like SIL my DD looks. Except there isn't the tiniest iota of resemblence. So much so that when I put a pic of her up the other week a few school friends commented that they initially thought it was an old pic of me until they looked closely.

Jokie · 14/04/2019 10:01

My DGM made similar comments about my DD. Everything was like our side of the family and nothing like my DH. My DH laughed and said: you'd think it was a miracle birth as there's none of me in there apparently.

KC225 · 14/04/2019 10:12

My friend had a good one when her.overbearing MIL kept referring to herself as 'Mummy' and not 'Granny'. She leaned in the pram and said in a baby voice, 'you know who your mummy is don't you? Granny is the old one who doesn't want to admit it'.

Flip

1 2 3