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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Think I’ve upset MIL re DD and sugar

56 replies

Cinnao · 13/04/2019 19:53

DD is nearly three and she does get sweet treats but I limit them and she certainly doesn’t have sugar (apart from fruit) every day.

My MIL is the loveliest woman and I adore her, she’s wonderful with DD who also adores her and she very kindly looks after her one day a week so that I can study.

The problem is, while she’s there the sweets and cakes are non stop (I get told about it so I know, and we were there together all day today so I saw it first hand)

I have told her that I don’t want DD having so many sweet things, that once a day is fine but no more, but this doesn’t seem to register.

Today she went to give DD her third chocolate of the day and I said no, that’s enough, but ten minutes later when DD hurt herself and started crying MIL rushed in offering her options of sweet things (she chose cake and was give two). I felt it was too cruel to say no then as DD had immediately stopped crying at the prospect but not only was it more sugar, I’m really uncomfortable with offering junk food as a comfort as surely this could cause an unhealthy association hurt/pain/sad= something sweet to eat?!

I’m really not as precious as I might sound, DD is allowed to have the odd sugary thing but this really is all day long at least one day a week.

I mentioned it to DH with the intention of saying something again to MIL tactfully but unfortunately he was a bit blunt with his DM about it over the phone and said she didn’t sound happy.

I feel really bad now, I don’t want her to feel criticised as I love her and am so appreciative of what she does.

What’s the best thing to do?

OP posts:

Fairylea · 13/04/2019 19:55

Seriously? Say nothing. One day a week of this isn’t a big deal if mil is otherwise lovely and you’re getting free childcare.

Onceuponacheesecake · 13/04/2019 20:00

My MIL is like this. He gets biscuits after his breakfast there!! Similar if he falls and hurts himself, or if it's time to go home and he's sad because he doesn't want to leave (cheers son) BUT he's there once a week max. He has a lovely relationship with his Nana and so I let them get on with it tbh. It's free childcare!

crumble82 · 13/04/2019 20:04

That would annoy me too, fair enough it’s only once a week but it sounds like she’s having way over what is healthy for that one day a week.
Hopefully she’ll listen to your DH even if he was a bit blunt. If not just keep gently reminding her. Does she look after DD at your house or her? If it’s yours maybe make a point of having nothing sugary in the house.

DownStreet · 13/04/2019 20:08

I’m not keen on the term ‘junk food’. There isn’t good food and bad food. And a homemade pancake (flour, eggs and milk) is probably going to be better for you than a preprepared lasagne - so labelling certain foods as junk seems counterproductive.

GassyAss · 13/04/2019 20:10

My mum is like this too and when the kids were younger it would really annoy me. But as they’ve grown up I’ve realised that Grandma’s treats are at most once a week and they’re not going to harm them. Their relationship (and your relationship) with grandma is more important.
Just chill a bit. You’re wanting the best for your child but I’d probably let it go.

BlueMerchant · 13/04/2019 20:11

It's lovely how you appreciate and love your mil. It sounds like she's doing it to be kind and hasn't really thought it through.
I wouldn't say anything further. I really think she will think twice before abusing the sweet treats now when she knows you and her son have discussed it and she's had a phone call over it. It seems you may have gotten through to her this time.

TemporaryPermanent · 13/04/2019 20:12

I would try and hold your tongue. What used to annoy me about this sort of thing we that I felt I had to be stricter as a result! But good relationships all round are more important than a bit of sugar bribery.

Has your dd been to the dentist yet? it might be good to have a check up just to reassure yourself at least on the teeth side.

Ratatatouille · 13/04/2019 20:12

I disagree with the fact that once a week is not a big deal. If I spent one day a week gorging on cakes, chocolate and biscuits then I would put on weight and be unhealthy. Presumably DD is also having the odd treat on other days too that you or her dad etc give her, so on top of that it really could make quite a difference.

Unfortunately if you've told MIL very clearly that you want her to stop and she is just ignoring you, all you can do is seek alternative childcare. This is one of the pitfalls of using family to take care of your kids. It would drive me bonkers too so I feel your pain!

HavelockVetinari · 13/04/2019 20:16

I think you ought to stay firm on this one (and usually I think MNers are harsh to their MILs!). Associating food with comfort/love is not a healthy lesson to learn. I might be over sensitive (I had anorexia as a teen, I felt like I wasn't worthy of food/love) but I'd hate this to become ingrained in your DD. You only have to look at the Weight Loss boards to see hundreds of posters damaged by emotional eating

Chlo1674 · 13/04/2019 20:17

YANBU. I went to a part recently and there was a little girl there who was seriously overweight - she was obese and i felt really sad for her. There is a reason why you are wanting to restrict the sweet treats and you have every right to say something. She is clearly not willing to respect your wishes as far as the sweet treats are concerned and she’s been told on several occasions. Your daughters health is far more important than someone’s hurt feelings.

HavelockVetinari · 13/04/2019 20:18

N.B. I'm not saying grandparents shouldn't be allowed to give more treats than parents would give - my parents and PIL are all aware that we're not keen on loads of unhealthy stuff, but they can give more than usual because we balance it out by being much more strict at home.

ConstanzaAndSalieri · 13/04/2019 20:20

My dentist gives some amazing advice on this. Maybe yours does too hint?

Sugar all day long is not good for their teeth. Chocolate better than sweets as it washes off the teeth better. A cake/pudding eaten after a meal and followed by a drink of water better than snacking on things all day. Glasses of water better than squash. Did you know how many baby teeth are extracted etc etc

I agree with not going to the diet/junk food angle, but I did find people responsed to the teeth thing better...

AvengersAssemble · 13/04/2019 20:22

This is what Grandmas do! Been through this with both my Nana and my mam who did not take a blind bit of notice! Just leave it, once a week is like a special treat, and your little one will remember fondly time spent with GM as my kids do!

Chamomileteaplease · 13/04/2019 20:31

Once a week is still 52 days a year of eating too much sugary shit.

She's only two for god's sake!

I would speak to your mil in person asap and reiterate how much you love her but also reiterate how you feel about sugar and that you really are asking her to stop. It is important to you. Look her in the eye!!

Talk about it. Let her get her feelings off her chest but then remind her that you are the parent.

spritesandunicorns · 13/04/2019 20:32

I used to feel like you do but I’ve since had to get over it. My dc love their grandparents and only get spoiled there occasionally. I just take the approach that they need to eat really well at home and when they’re with others it’s not always my choice.

Mummy578485 · 13/04/2019 20:33

Agree with ConstanzaAndSalieri. Take DD to the dentist and get the full critical spiel about sugar and teeth, then parrot it back to MIL.

SleepDeprivedCabbageBrain · 13/04/2019 20:39

I don't mind in the holidays but one day per week of gorging would be too much for me. It's not like you're saying no sugar at all. Anyway she shoudl respect your decisions.

C8H10N4O2 · 13/04/2019 20:48

Are her teeth ok?

If so make that day of the week sweets day but ask for her to clean her teeth after lunch (dentist rules) and make sure you do them thoroughly at bed time.

If her teeth are a problem then say "dentist says she has a problem". Dental advice when mine were small was that one day a week of sweets and a good brushing later was preferable to smaller quantities every day.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2019 20:54

This really isn't just about giving her sugar though. She is REFUSING to listen to you and respect the fact that YOU are the mother, not her. This would seriously poss me off and I guarantee it doesn't bode well for the future. If she ignores you about this, she'll ignore you over other things, too

Jux · 13/04/2019 20:56

My MIL was a lot bit like this; I think she just wanted to spoil dd as so many grandmother's do, but she didn't uite twig that it was OK and understandable if the gp only saw the child for a few occasions a year instead of once or twice a week.

Luckily, dh was the one who had a major objection to giving dd sugar so I left it to him mainly.

Original poster

Cinnao · 13/04/2019 20:56

Thank you everyone, yes we’re going to the dentist in a couple of weeks so hopefully her teeth are ok. Good suggestion re brushing after lunch. I’m aware that it is a grandparent’s job to spoil DC and it will probably all be fine in the great scheme of things. I’ll keep gently reminding if it gets out of hand again!

OP posts:

PurpleCrazyHorse · 13/04/2019 21:01

DH had to have a similar conversation with his parents about sugar. DD ended up having temporary bowel issues and DH very bluntly said that we would have to move her to full-time with our childminder if they didn't reduce the sugar. It turns out they were giving her 8x fruit shoots over 2 days at 3yo, plus the usual grandparent treats. MIL also offers sweets to stop crying and DH is on it to step in quickly if they've had too much already.

It was a bit harsh and we were very grateful they offered to do childcare for us, but DD's health was more important than them wanting to feed her huge amounts of sugar. To be fair, they cut it right back, but I think they did feel guilty that DD had 2x anal exams before the age of 3 (and we were asked questions about whether we suspected abuse).

Going forward it's a bit of a joke with DD (who's now nearly secondary age). We have a sweepstake on the day and time DD will get offered 2x chocolate mousses to eat (historically at breakfast time and MIL will squirrel away the pots so DH and I don't see them). DD now reports back and she knows it's not healthy, but as a one off it's something MIL does when we visit (twice a year or so).

Rosti1981 · 13/04/2019 21:01

Well my ILs put sugar on my children's Rice Krispies when I'm not there / not looking, and MIL took DS off into a quiet corner of the park and gave him his first icecream when he was 7 months old without checking with me first.

So yeah. I'd say one sweet treat fine. But it's the quantity that is the issue, especially at that age!

kmc1111 · 13/04/2019 21:02

I don’t know why so many Mumsnetters seem to think eating excess calories doesn’t count if it’s not an everyday thing. It all adds up, whether it’s weekends, one day a week, eow etc.

It sounds like she’s easily being given an extra 500+ calories once a week, and probably quite often 1000+. Over a year, that means 7-14 pounds of weight gain purely from the treats one day a week. That’s a real problem. If OP and her DH don’t put a stop to it they’re either going to have to restrict their DD’s diet at home, or else watch her become overweight before she’s even school age.

FelixTitling · 13/04/2019 21:07

If you don't like it, don't leave her there. And make it clear why. My parents were like this and it limited how much unsupervised time they had despite them being lovely in other ways.

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