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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Think I’ve upset MIL re DD and sugar

56 replies

Cinnao · 13/04/2019 19:53

DD is nearly three and she does get sweet treats but I limit them and she certainly doesn’t have sugar (apart from fruit) every day.

My MIL is the loveliest woman and I adore her, she’s wonderful with DD who also adores her and she very kindly looks after her one day a week so that I can study.

The problem is, while she’s there the sweets and cakes are non stop (I get told about it so I know, and we were there together all day today so I saw it first hand)

I have told her that I don’t want DD having so many sweet things, that once a day is fine but no more, but this doesn’t seem to register.

Today she went to give DD her third chocolate of the day and I said no, that’s enough, but ten minutes later when DD hurt herself and started crying MIL rushed in offering her options of sweet things (she chose cake and was give two). I felt it was too cruel to say no then as DD had immediately stopped crying at the prospect but not only was it more sugar, I’m really uncomfortable with offering junk food as a comfort as surely this could cause an unhealthy association hurt/pain/sad= something sweet to eat?!

I’m really not as precious as I might sound, DD is allowed to have the odd sugary thing but this really is all day long at least one day a week.

I mentioned it to DH with the intention of saying something again to MIL tactfully but unfortunately he was a bit blunt with his DM about it over the phone and said she didn’t sound happy.

I feel really bad now, I don’t want her to feel criticised as I love her and am so appreciative of what she does.

What’s the best thing to do?

OP posts:
Merename · 13/04/2019 21:14

I think given DH has already said something, why don’t you just have a chat. Just be gentle and talk about how appreciative you are, but that you are concerned about weight/ teeth etc. Being direct is better than ‘I think that’s enough’ comments in the passing.

MooBaaLaLaLa · 13/04/2019 21:19

I hate this, it makes you feel like you can't give your own DC a treat ever if you're constantly trying to counterbalance the 30 treats they had at Grandma's earlier. Hmm

My DH put his foot down with MIL, especially after finding out that she got a bollocking from doctors back in the 70's for giving him too many sweets!
(Cheers for that FIL!)

NoSauce · 13/04/2019 21:20

It sounds like DD has a very healthy diet in the main OP so I wouldn’t be too worried about her having a few chocolates and a bit of cake at her grandmothers house.

Does she giver her sweet stuff other than when she’s upset?

keepforgettingmyusername · 13/04/2019 21:22

Don't you remember being little and going to your grandmothers house? Getting treats was half the fun. Bet her proper meals are dead healthy though? Mine always made us soup with home grown vegetables and that kind of thing.

DramaAlpaca · 13/04/2019 21:24

If you are otherwise happy with the care your MIL gives & they have a lovely relationship I think I'd be inclined to let it go, to be honest.

Joebloggswazere · 13/04/2019 21:40

Every day? Yanbu, once a week? Meh, I wouldn’t get upset about it. Nannas like to spoil their kids, I know my DM does. It’s my job to make sure they eat healthy the majority of the time, my DM doesn’t have that responsibility.

Gone2far · 13/04/2019 21:41

I normally think mners are too hard on mils but not in this case. We look after our beloved gd once a fortnight. Her mother and father don't want her to have sugar at all and we respect that. I think it's incredibly disrespectful to ignore what parents feel is right and am amazed that anybody would.

NoSauce · 13/04/2019 21:57

Gone2far no sugar at all? That must be hard work.

Yabbers · 13/04/2019 22:00

If DH was too blunt with MIL, speak to her next time and say you were going to have a chat with her about it but DH went in with his size 9s and apologise if she was upset.

Otherwise, she’ll be thinking it was all down to you.

Gone2far · 13/04/2019 22:03

It isn't,actually. And it's a useful way to see how easy it is , and how unecessary, to create an emotional link with sweet food. I'm not a miserable kill Joy by the way, but I am an emotional over-eater.

MaryH90 · 13/04/2019 22:04

100% with you on this. We have this issue with my MIL, fortunately my DH has usually dealt with it so I’ve had to have minimal input. She was free and easy with sweets with him as a child aswell and he’s grown into a very overweight adult with no self control when it comes to sweet things. I don’t think it’s just about ‘once a week’ it’s more about the fact that it’s undermining the healthy attitude to sweets that you’re trying to help your child to develop. She now asks before giving her anything sweet.

Joebloggswazere · 13/04/2019 22:17

gone2far did you give your kids sugar?

JingsMahBucket · 13/04/2019 22:26

@DownStreet
I’m not keen on the term ‘junk food’. There isn’t good food and bad food. And a homemade pancake (flour, eggs and milk) is probably going to be better for you than a preprepared lasagne - so labelling certain foods as junk seems counterproductive.

Nah. Some food really is just junk and unhealthy. Even in so-called “moderation”.

MiniEggAddiction · 13/04/2019 22:30

Seriously? Say nothing. One day a week of this isn’t a big deal if mil is otherwise lovely and you’re getting free childcare.

I actually massively disagree with this. One day a week of what sounds like really excessive sweet stuff is definitely enough to have a significant impact on a DC's health. In order to be tactful I'd probably defer the responsibility to the dentist and say the dentist says her teeth will be ruined if we continue - she can't have more than one sweet treat a day or her teeth will be destroyed.

Fairylea · 13/04/2019 22:43

I think mumsnet is crazy sometimes. On one part of the forum you have people almost competing to say how much Ben and Jerry’s they can eat in one sitting and here you have people saying if a child has more than one sweet a day they are doomed to a life of obesity and tooth decay Hmm

My kids eat a lot of “crap” like most other children I know. I don’t restrict anything. They have sweets or chocolate most days, come on weekends (just the one with a meal if we eat out, which we do a lot), the odd cake or bag of crisps. They also eat healthy stuff and as a result they don’t go mad and crave things, nothing is out of bounds. If we go to Tesco they know they can choose a snack. No big deal. Both (16 and 6) are slim and healthy, perfect teeth, never had any dental issues. We are an active family, always out and about, walk everywhere.

I think genetics has a fair part to play in these things, and yes of course people should do their best to eat healthily and be active but seriously I don’t know one family in real life who is anywhere near the mumsnet “holy grail” of non sweet eating / non junk eating.

People are getting so obsessed with the whole idea of non sugar everything they are forgetting how to just “live”.

Fairylea · 13/04/2019 22:44

*coke on weekends I meant!

Nanny0gg · 13/04/2019 22:45

Just because it's 'free childcare' it doesn't mean the GP has to ignore the parents wishes. (and I do 'free childcare'!)
The number of cakes and sweets in the OP is ridiculous. A small amount of chocolate or some other treat could be agreed.
And if there are other 'rules' that the GPs don't agree with, they should be discussed with the GP allowed to put their view. If it's then still a dealbreaker then the arrangement should be ended.

Gone2far · 13/04/2019 22:51

joebloggs yes, I did. But it's not my decision to make on my gd, it's my daughter's. Who I respect. Which this issue is all about imo.

Vulpine · 13/04/2019 22:55

She brought up your dh ok I assume?

PCohle · 13/04/2019 23:05

It's very hard to tell people how they have to behave when they are the ones doing you a favour. If you want total control over how your child is cared for then I think you have to pay for the privilege.

IMHO you have to pick your battles for the sake of familiar harmony and ultimately one day a week isn't the end of the world. I would limit treats your DD has the rest of the time to compensate.

SmarmyMrMime · 13/04/2019 23:07

One day a week is 14% of the child's life. There's a big difference in impact from an indulgent grandparent treating the grandchild sporadically on occassional visits compared to a weekly routine of over indulgence.

Having Christmas dinner is great as an isolated occasion, we would suffer the consequences if we ate like it was Christmas Day on a weekly basis.

LightDrizzle · 13/04/2019 23:45

She brought up your dh ok I assume?
God! Someone always trots this one out.
a) - it is very common for people to be very different as grandparents to how they were as parents 30+/- years previously: because they are less anxious; don’t feel the weight of full responsibility for the child’s upbringing; and because of the “grandparents’ job is to spoil” culture. My own mum is a prime example, sweets and lollies were not on tap in my childhood, they were regular but occasional treats bought and consumed outside the house. Both my brother and I were slim throughout our childhood and beyond. I followed her example with my own DC. As a grandma however, there was a “naughty drawer” in her kitchen stuffed with sweets constantly available, and she gave my eldest crisps with her breakfast when she stayed. We moved in with her for 15 months when my eldest was 10 and she went from slim to just into the obese category in that time. DD1 told me later that despite my asking my mum not to give DD1 sweets and crisps before dinner etc. it was their “naughty secret”, that mummy didn’t have to know. Within months of us moving out she was normal weight again.
b) - you are assuming a lot, you’ve no idea whether the poster’s DH has problems that started in childhood.

ThinkingNotSpeaking · 14/04/2019 06:02

This is terrible. What is it about grandparents and sugar!? They seem to be in denial about how damaging it is to health.

BlueMoon1103 · 14/04/2019 06:15

I’m personally not bothered about sugar really but if she’s not respecting the OP’s wishes that is not okay. The OP is the parent.

RhiWrites · 14/04/2019 06:25

Talk to MIL. Say you’re sorry DH upset her. Say you know she loves to treat her GD.

Maybe you could come up with a list of alternative treats instead together. Talk about what else she could do or give to cheer up a crying GD.