To think my childhood wasn't normal?

[Yarkoplan]

I've just been reading the thread about a couple having the police called on them after a 10 minute row and posters were saying this isn't normal behaviour. This has surprised me and made me think about my mum's behaviour specifically which in comparison to that thread seems extreme, but I've always just assumed lots of people grew up like this?

She was loving and financially provided for us, but was deeply stressed about her job and not very happy with her life really. She used to get into extreme rage over as little as us looking at her funny, even if this was imagined. She'd go from joking around with us to screaming and furious in a second.

We had numerous incidents when I was around 12 where she'd get wound up and then would threaten to kill herself and tell us that it was because we were such awful children to her.

I remember lying in bed a couple of times at night and would be listening to my mum scream at my dad and hear plates smashing. Once I heard my dad telling her to stop throwing knives at him. It was terrifying at the time and I just lay in bed crying.

But other times she was lovely and took us on amazing trips to America and Australia so it's hard to feel one particular way about my childhood.

But her behaviour wasn't normal was it?

I think it's normal to believe your childhood to be 'normal' when you're growing up as you know no different. It is only as you grow up you begin to realise. I only gradually realised how abusive my childhood was after I had my own children. I think it can also be hard to understand it in the context of an overall childhood which included many good elements. I grew up in a middle class family with lots of holidays, day trips, presents. To the outside we looked like 'the perfect family'. But as they say you never know what happens behind closed doors.

Relate a lot to this. My mother would threaten suicide and then just drive off into the night. So many screaming arguments with my father and using us as pawns.
I have awful anxiety as an adult, and since my children were born, find myself realising how awful my childhood was.
Of course, my mother remembers it all very differently, and believes we're all wonderfully well rounded mentally scarred people because of her.

On the rare occasion I did well at anything (as an adult) she'd say to me 'of course you did well, we don't fail in this family' and that would make me feel like I hadn't actually achieved anything. Now I have a degree and a Masters and I'm not proud of either of them because of her attitude if that makes any sense to any of you.

Normal for me too.
Lots of screaming and shouting, throwing things.
It always seemed to be same one or two arguments.
My mother would threaten to leave and did walk out of the house on more than one occasion.
I don't think we, or what was best for us was ever front and centre in my mother's thoughts or actions.
Some of the decisions she's made seem selfish to me.
None of us were badly abused other than the odd smack or outburst, but we were emotionally neglected. Really we were just in the background to the drama.
My mother would most definitely minimise and downplay everything that happened if it was ever raised.
Which it never is, we were well trained not to challenge her, we do talk about it amongst ourselves on occasion.
All of us 4 siblings have been affected to varying degrees, sister is extremely anxious, I've suffered with eating disorders, one brother is a drug addict, none of us have maintained healthy or long lasting relationships, all currently single late 20s early 30s and I don't think thats normal in itself.

Ooh yes, we were threatened with being put into care as well! There was a notorious children's home very close by that was for children with behavioural problems and DM would often threaten to take us there. Even going so far as telling us to get in the car so she could drive us there. Funnily enough this is one thing I haven't really thought about in years, and it happened all the time.

Yeah I definitely think that there wasn’t much support back then in showing people how kids should be raised. That being said most of my friends raised at the same time had a childhood were they were put first. I was an accident though and most of my friends seem to have been planned, I wonder if that makes a difference too.

My parents attitude was that “the child needs to fit into our life, they can’t expect to take over and dominate/rule the roost and have the world revolve around them.”

Food wise nutrition was horrendous. Always a nice roast on a Sunday with veg but throughout the week it was always alphabets and chicken nuggets/fish fingers/tinned hotdogs/beans. Never “proper” food with veg or fruit, just processed crap. Bit of ham or a processed cheese slice on a butty for school everyday for a decade. By the time I was 12, I was the cook and was expected to cook proper meals from scratch for my parents. I still do provide meals for them! Yet they couldn’t do that for me .

Not normal, as such, but certainly not rare I don’t think.
It’s only the last few years I’ve been able to realise my childhood wasn’t run of the mill either. Certainly one alcoholic parent, perhaps two. Affairs, physical fights, screaming matches every night, house smashed up including my bedroom around me, I’ve seen multiple suicide attempts as a child in various graphic ways, controlling behaviour, etc.
But to the outside world we lived a luxurious happy life. I’ve recently had a family member apologise and admit they had no idea of any of what I faced and that I was widely thought of as a spoilt brat for my disposition.
It’s a sad realisation that you didn’t get a proper childhood isn’t it?

Yeah I definitely think that there wasn’t much support back then in showing people how kids should be raised.

I also think there was less support in terms of feeling like someone should step in if kids were being raised badly.

Numerous teachers, neighbours and school staff all knew that my parents were violent. One of my teachers knew I was being neglected and used to bring me a lunch in every day, but it never occurred to her to report it to anyone because it wasn't her business.

Our neighbours regularly stayed with the woman's Mum on the weekend because the noise (arguing, fighting, crying etc) made her cry. Again, never reported it because "just because it's not how I'd do it doesn't make it my business".

The HT that eventually called my grandparents in was critisised even by the judge who gave my GP's custody of us for 'overstepping' when if he hadn't we'd still be with the parents he'd just removed us from.

I didn't go to my father's funeral......and don't be going to my mother's either.....says it all really

@Ratatouille I hate anger and raised voices too. They send me into a panic and I want to hide.

It’s not for everyone but I’m currently working through Pete Walker’s book on Complex PTSD. Very interesting, especially the parts about Emotional Flashbacks and how to manage them.