To think my childhood wasn't normal?

[Yarkoplan]

I've just been reading the thread about a couple having the police called on them after a 10 minute row and posters were saying this isn't normal behaviour. This has surprised me and made me think about my mum's behaviour specifically which in comparison to that thread seems extreme, but I've always just assumed lots of people grew up like this?

She was loving and financially provided for us, but was deeply stressed about her job and not very happy with her life really. She used to get into extreme rage over as little as us looking at her funny, even if this was imagined. She'd go from joking around with us to screaming and furious in a second.

We had numerous incidents when I was around 12 where she'd get wound up and then would threaten to kill herself and tell us that it was because we were such awful children to her.

I remember lying in bed a couple of times at night and would be listening to my mum scream at my dad and hear plates smashing. Once I heard my dad telling her to stop throwing knives at him. It was terrifying at the time and I just lay in bed crying.

But other times she was lovely and took us on amazing trips to America and Australia so it's hard to feel one particular way about my childhood.

But her behaviour wasn't normal was it?

for everyone else who had similar childhoods.

I had a similar childhood OP.

My siblings and I were locked in a room for hours once until one of us admitted to playing with a shower cap that wasn’t put away; my sister had a slap across the head for carrying the hoover up the stairs the wrong way; my parents physically and verbally fought in front of us, and as the eldest, I felt obliged to try and separate them because it upset my brother and sister to see; my mum faked her own suicide on one occasion.

Several times we were sat down and asked which parent we wanted to live with because they were getting a divorce - it never happened, they’re still together now.

It’s very clear to me that my mum had, and to a lesser extent, still has mental health problems. My dad is not supportive of this at all and clearly added fuel to the fire.

Now that we’re all adults it seems to have been swept under the carpet. If one of us brings it up in conversation, it’s either brushed off as us remembering incorrectly, or my mum gets upset and makes us feel guilty for making her feel like a bad parent.

My sister and I definitely have issues because of our upbringing. Not so sure about my brother, he doesn’t tend to talk about things much.

@nothinglikeadame Becoming a parent was the trigger for me, too. Always thought my DParents were decent, but after I had DS1 all this stuff started coming back to me - emotionally abusive DM, narcissistic and disinterested DF, DM would encourage DF to hit us if we'd been 'naughty', she would tell me that I was fat, miserable, that she was embarrassed by the way I looked and behaved. they didn't row: DF was condescending and occasionally vile to DM and she kept silent and took it out on us. Once DF could no longer justify hitting us, he started trying to goad and humiliate me. DM never stuck up for us. I can't imagine letting another person be so horrible to my DC. I could go on, but it's not my thread!

Normal for my family, along with a hefty dose of physical violence and alcoholism thrown in. The only solace we have is that at least we weren't sexually abused. Some people should never have kids.

@Silversun83 I paid private for counselling. It was money well spent. I’ve only had one relationship in my life (I’m 35) and have a history of attracting abusive people into my life. I didn’t fall apart until my relationship ended and I realised he’d been emotionally abusing me and reminded me of the dynamic with my Dad. I knew if I ever wanted the chance of a decent relationship I needed to talk about my childhood experiences. My counsellor had a similar upbringing and helped me realise I was co-dependent. I still struggle to let people in but I am much better than I ever was thanks to the counselling.

@Silversun83 - we seem to have a few similarities. My enabling parent also has dementia and is in a care home. He was in essence a good person but he had a shit childhood himself, and I think it ground him down to the point where he thought it was normal for a woman to walk all over him. I adored him as a child but realise now he failed spectacularly to protect us. Thankfully he wasn't an alcoholic but his escape was religion. He was heavily involved with the church, which meant he was out of the house quite a lot. And was oblivious to a lot of the bad stuff - as if he could just pray it all away.

The fun part now is dealing with my increasingly unstable mother, now that she's living alone for the first time in her life. This stuff really does infect your life for such a long time.

@saturdaynightgin - exactly the same with my mum if you pull her up on her bad behaviour. Total denial, then hysterics, "you're upsetting me", etc. No responsibility for her actions, it's all about her feelings. Dad used to just minimise things or claim he was doing. He once said I would have been unhappier if they'd split and I wasn't living with my mother. I would have been fucking delighted!

That should say "claim he was doing his best"

It's not desirable, but it's not abnormal. Vast majority of people I meet have had varying levels of neglect and abuse. Us humans are a messy af species.

If is a narcissistic situation then 'no contact' stay away.

Yes I had some similar things and also a dose of parentification (where the parents treat you like an adult) for example dad brought home a woman he had been seeing who he said had been a victim of domestic violence and asked me to speak to her when mum wouldn't- I was a young teen. They then split up and rows with dad kicked out and had to sleep in a tent outside- they then asked me to tell them where to live etc and tried to make it all my responsibility as the oldest child. I escaped to university and made my own way from then but was accused of 'runnign away' from my responsibilities by others...no support or anything...it's really hard to let go of the anger etc, I'm NC now after things got worse over time and did not improve.

Another site I would recommend is called Out of the FOG online. Kind thoughts.

Normal for me too. Things thrown, being hit, threats, screaming arguments. Took me until my 30's to realise they will never apologise or change and to go NC with them.

I'm starting to feel a similar way, but my DM was very similar. No rows or anything like that, no DM was the polar opposite. Passive aggressive, sulky and highly unpredictable with moods that would change like the wind. Growing up was like treading on egg shells as you never really knew what you'd get with her, and I can remember coming home from school wondering what I wasn't going to get that day.

On top of that she was emotionally absent. Never hugged, kissed us or told us she loved us. Never offered emotional support, didn't want to know if we had problems and our worries were always dismissed. I also recognise the rage and anger when I expressed a thought or opinion to differnt to hers.

Really it seems pretty small fry compared with what others have posted on here, but it makes me bloody angry now.

DM had a difficult childhood growing up as the scapegoat in a narcissistic family, so I try and give her some leeway but honestly it's not my problem. And I think surely if you'd had a rough time growing up you'd make a conscious effort to do things differently?

Already posted upthread but having read another post you've reminded me...

My parents also sat us down and we were given the 'dad is leaving chat' and the 'we're splitting' chat several times.

Although I think they would have a field day with my family nowadays because I also spent chunks of my childhood visiting my dad in mental hospitals and they're not like they are today, Im talking huge victorian buildings with locked wards, filthy places with sadly very ill people, As kids we used to give the other patients nicknames based on their behaviours. It all seemed so normal at the time!

@chocatoo

What is important is to know that you are loved.

But that’s the whole point. People with emotionally abusive and/or emotionally neglectful parents are not loved. Often, they are not even liked or even noticed, unless they’re in the firing line, giving them a terrible lack of self worth and self esteem. My Mother doesn’t even see me as an adult or a person who is anything other than her scapegoat and punchbag. I don’t think she’s even capable of love.

There are a shocking number of parents who really shouldn’t have had children.

And I think surely if you'd had a rough time growing up you'd make a conscious effort to do things differently?

That takes a LOT of strength, courage, emotional intelligence - and a very strong parental instinct. All things it seems our parents are lacking.

When I was around 17 and we got into arguments I'd tell her about how much her behaviour affected me and my siblings but she completely denies ever having said or done any of these things so it was quite infuriating

I think that denial and lack of responsibility is common. I've noticed it in my parents and PP have said similar. My childhood had some happy aspects and I know that on the whole my parents tried hard and they did love us. In many ways they don't compare with the experiences of others on this thread. However, my dad can be extremely aggressive, angry and violent. He often hit me and my brother, especially when we were small. If I bring this up with either of my parents now my dad will just shrug it off, literally. My mum becomes very upset and then will resort to passive aggressive avoidance.

I'm not a parent myself. I think the bullying I was subject to, combined with my dad's aggression, put me off relationships and lowered my self esteem too much. But when I see friends' small children I wonder how on earth my dad hit us in the way he did. I know kids push buttons but I cannot imagine hitting someone so much weaker and more vulnerable than I am. It was "normal" for his generation I think, in the sense that it was common and many of them did it. However, it isn't normal in a functional sense. It doesn't help raise balanced children. You just end up depressed and needing therapy in later life!

Wow, just caught up now and I'm so sorry for all of you! It seems that abusive parenting unfortunately is very common and the 'norm' in that sense I suppose, which is horrific.

I identify with lots of what you are saying. My mother was definitely emotionally absent. We could never tell her if anything was bothering us, she'd either way 'i don't care', 'stop moaning' or turn it around on us and blame us for wrongdoing of some kind. She also used to, and still does sometimes, make really mean comments about my body.

I remember being about 7 and sat in the car and having her poke my tummy and say I was getting fat. And then throughout my teens I was hideously insecure about my weight which she would absolutely feed by constantly telling me I looked fat in certain outfits. As a result I developed bulimia which I have for over 9 years. When I told her about it as a teen, hoping she'd get me some help, she just said 'thats disgusting, don't you dare leave sick in the toilet'.

Utterly callous.

Had* thankfully have managed to beat the bulimia

Your mother was suffering from mental illness. To me that seems normal. Lots of people have mental illness that make the less than ideal parents or outright abusive parents. I’m not sure it’s so unusual as to be abnormal.

Are you my sister? My Mum still makes nasty comments constantly about my body. She went hysterical yesterday when I said “please stop. It makes me feel like I’m a total waste of space” and said how dare I speak to her like that.

I started throwing up when I was 9 as I’d been sent to weight watchers (I wasn’t at all overweight) and she said I was very selfish and I should think of the starving children in Africa and the fact I was sinning against God.

When my Dad temporarily left to have a baby with another woman when I was little it was Christmas and I missed him on Christmas Eve and I started to cry a tiny bit and she told me to stop it or she’d have me put into care because I was selfish and had no right to cry when it was her who had been hurt. After that I didn’t cry for 7 years.

I was totally emotionally abandoned (or manipulated) by both parents. When I first went to counselling, I wanted to talk about the physical abuse and verbal abuse I’d experienced but my counsellor said she was far more concerned with the total lack of love, affection and acknowledgment of any emotional needs I had.

On the other hand, from 18 months old I had to “look after” my mother and everything revolves around her moods and her needs.

Anyway I’ve banged on about myself enough. I’m just sorry to here that all of this isn’t an uncommon experience and that so many people experienced the same thing. Hopefully all of us will find healing and love in our lifetimes

It isn’t ‘normal’ but it happens loads and it should be talked about more! My DM was awful. Would often shout at me for pulling a face at her, it was just my face! Said she would put me in care on multiple occasions. Regular screaming matches with my DF in and outside the house. I could go on!

When I first went to counselling, I wanted to talk about the physical abuse and verbal abuse I’d experienced but my counsellor said she was far more concerned with the total lack of love, affection and acknowledgment of any emotional needs I had.

My counsellor was the same. I was convinced that the physical abuse had caused the bulk of the issues I still had, and what had me terrified (I went for counselling shortly after my first pregnancy), but actually it was the lack of love that I feared experiencing the most with my own children.

I could also never quite work out why I was more bitter toward my mother than my father when he was the crueller of the two (they were both violent alcoholic drug addicts, but he was sadistic). It was only in counselling that I realised that her way of protecting herself when he started on her was to divert his attention onto one of the four of us. Turned out my bitterness was an understandably strong sense of betrayal and making sense of that changed everything for me.

Oh yes, the constant threats of being put into care! Over nothing, just being a kid, in the way of their selfishness. Seems there’s a common thread there. Once you grow up and realise how unthinkable that is to say to a small child, you see your parents so differently.

I remember getting to about 12 or so, and saying that actually I’d prefer to be in care, so please can she call them up instead of threatening me with it and not doing it. Got a slap for that.

I remember when I was 6, my dad went away for a few weeks for work and stupidly left me with mum, who was totally unhinged at this point. Regularly went out drinking and left me home alone. One night she got committed to hospital (guessing the neighbours reported her) and I stayed with a lovely older couple until my dad came back. They took me out on trips, played games with me, gave me proper attention. I didn't want to leave. I remember the doorbell ringing and looking out the window to see dad, and the lady gave him an absolute earful (I didn't hear anything but could tell by the body language). It's amazing social services didn't keep a closer check on things, as after she came out of hospital she reverted back to the same old shit.

Sorry don't mean to hijack the thread. As awful as these stories are, I think there's something therapeutic about all of us being able to share this stuff with people who get it.

Another book recommendation is Homecoming by John Bradshaw, which is about parenting your own inner child (sounds a bit out there but it makes sense).

Oh wow. I can relate to so much of this.

I've realised that when you become a parent, it triggers more memories and you look at past situations in a different light

100% this. I have actually been quite unwell since having my daughter as a result. Combined with the fact that my parents upped the ante with regards their relationship dramatics around the time she was born. I think it comes from having this child that you know you would die for, do anything to protect, and realising that you were let down in ways that you would never dream of letting your child down. And that makes you question how much you were loved.

I have realised that raised voices, specifically when I can hear them from a distance and muffled (through walls or from outside for example) cause a real physical reaction in me. My heart races, tongue feels swollen, hands sweaty etc. This comes from a childhood spent listening to my parents scream, shout, swear and on occasion physically attack each other whilst we laid in bed trying to sleep. And then waking up to a door my dad had ripped off the hinges or a hole he had smashed in the wall. These things were never fixed either so the house was a constant reminder, even on better days.