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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this CF behaviour?

95 replies

UghNotYouAgain · 12/04/2019 11:59

Namechanged and this is going to be long, so please bear with me and thank you for reading in advance. I need to get this off my chest and maybe someone will come along with good advice.

I joined an amateur drama group and after acting one season, my friend and I were given the opportunities to direct the next production which is a pretty big deal and we are very excited and happy. The group is incredibly supportive and everything is fine on that front.
However, there's one person who is making trouble. I will try not to dripfeed and give you as much backstory as possible.
This person had been a member of the group before my friend and I joined but left the season we joined after a massive rift, caused by him being unreliable to work with, always late and quite volatile at times (not physically, but verbally abusive). It got so bad that the manager of the group blacklisted him, so he wouldn't be cast in the future (it's a community project so they don't usually exclude people). After this he wasn't cast in the next production and didn't get something to do backstage either because people refused to work with him as he was unpleasant. He kicked off after this rejection, insulting and harassing the directors and people in charge of backstage departments via text, social media and email, simply creating new accounts when he was blocked. He even stalked one of the girls until he was cautioned by the police. After this he went to some sort of therapy, when he finished he announced he wouldn't have anything to do with the drama group anymore, deleted everyone's numbers and left the group chat. This didn't last long however as he soon started texting people again and showed up to a performance simply to make people feel uncomfortable.
So far for the backstory, when the play for the next season was announced in the group chat, I received a text from an unknown number shortly afterwards. It was this person, asking if it was true that I was directing. I said yes and gave him short but polite answers about the auditioning process. He then started to ask questions about the script and started to badmouth other members of the group to me. I told him truthfully that I couldn't answer these questions because these things were only between the directors and management at that time. His tone had been friendly until then but after my message he asked if I was "always this blunt and hostile", because he was "just trying to get to know the directors". I ignored the message and he didn't try again. He probably thought we didn't know the backstory and it would be an easy way back in. He also sent us friend requests on facebook and was just very "in your face" which made me and my friend very uncomfortable.
Today we have received an email from this person on the "official" drama group address, where he didn't address me, only my co-director and stated that our audition dates didn't suit him, so could he come 30 minutes before finishing and we just give him a monologue there or send it per email. The audition process usually includes some improv and reading with other members of the group, so we can see how they go together. On these things we then chose a monologue for each person auditioning to learn by heart to perform in front of us. There are three audition dates and as a former member he should be well acquainted with the process.
AIBU to tell him that if he wants to audition, he has to do the same things everyone else does? And are we unreasonable to not want to include him at all because of his past behaviour? Personally, even without knowing the backstory, I would have had enough after him trying to suck up to me while simultaneously insulting me but maybe I am overreacting. How would you deal with the issue?

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 12/04/2019 14:07

Your manager is a dick! Allowing this man to audition and then telling him no will make the situation worse not better! And what if the woman he stalked is there at the same time? How awful for her!

Given that it got so bad that the police had to be involved, its a no brainer to reply to his messages that you have been informed of his criminal activity with regards to the group and he is no longer welcome at any audition nor is he to have anything to do with the group going forward.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/04/2019 14:16

He knows full well he is banned. He's trying to trick a newer person (you) into allowing him to turn up and audition. After everything that has gone on, he knows he won't get a part.

This is probably his revenge to disrupt auditions and upset and intimidate anyone else who turns up.

You are a community group. Speak to your community police officer with manager present and agree to follow their advice. someone said hire a bouncer - excellent idea. This horrible man is going to turn up whether he is invited or not.

You and fellow director need to stand up to the manager.
Allowing him into auditions and then turning him down will only encourage and provoke him. He will be looking at the other group members with an eye to stalking and intimidating them, based on past behaviour. It is not right for your manager to expose them to this risk in order to have a quiet life!!!

QuickThinkOfAName · 12/04/2019 14:21

To be honest I would bypass your manager and speak to your community police for advice. Explain he has been warned already for stalking and what you can do to protect yourself. Then go with this info to your manager and say this is what you need.

I suspect the police will say it’s mixed messages to be banned and then invited to audition. It gives him leeway to say he was invited therefore he was welcome.

Is the actress who was stalked also going to be there? Frankly this has disaster written all over it but you have to take control as your manager isn’t.

category12 · 12/04/2019 14:21

Stop being so damned daft - a previously banned member doesn't get to show up and audition.

The police were involved, there was stalking!

You and your co-director need to shut him down "It's come to our attention that you are a previously banned member, therefore you will not be eligible to audition. I suggest looking for another group that will better suit your needs." And ignore anything after that, and if he harasses or makes trouble then get the police involved again.

category12 · 12/04/2019 14:23

Your manager is a fool. It's obviously worse to raise the guy's hopes of getting back in by auditioning. Ignore his advice.

Belenus · 12/04/2019 14:25

Because the manager said "let him audition, he's blacklisted so you can't cast him anyway", because as I said, he doesn't want any trouble or issues.

Well he's creating a huge number of issues by blacklisting someone and then letting them audition. It's the worst definition of blacklisting I've ever seen. I'd tell the manager blacklisting means he isn't allowed to have anything to do with productions. Tbh if the manager won't listen to that, I'd leave the group. Life is too short for this shit.

Wauden · 12/04/2019 14:30

Further to my post, you need to take the matter out of the hands of the manager.

If the harassing man is allowed where the woman who went to the police about his stalking, and you have been involved, then think long and hard about the legal position. The police would be disappointed at the very least if stalker is allowed in. I am not a solicitor, though.

Also, what viques said.

StealthPolarBear · 12/04/2019 14:49

Your manager is totally incompetent

UniversalAunt · 12/04/2019 15:05

How is he ‘blacklisted’? This is not a helpful term.
Has there been a formal procedure followed where his membership has been revoked based on his behaviours?

If a formal process has been followed, how about this?

Mr X,

I am informed by management of ABC that you are not eligible to audition for this production. Please do not attend the open auditions.

This matter is now closed.
Please desist from contacting me or the co-Director.

CC: ABC management.

@UghNotYouAgain

If the ‘blacklisting’ is something informal then this situation is a tinderbox. If he does audition then he is unlikely to accept not having a part, either on or off stage, & may well pursue this ‘injustice’ to put it right.

UniversalAunt · 12/04/2019 15:05

Ach, just refreshed & seen most recents posts. Good advice there.

squeaver · 12/04/2019 15:33

Why don't you say, "As you know, you have been black-listed by this group so you will not be given a part even if you do audition. On this basis, there is no point in you attending the auditions. Don't contact me again."

Presumably he is aware that he has been black-listed?

Ellisandra · 12/04/2019 15:41

I have already posted, but reading the further posts on this thread have made me really fucking angry.

This man stalked a female member of the group.

Bollocks to “MH issues” - funny how men with MH issues don’t tend to stalk other men, isn’t it?

I don’t give a shit if he has genuine MH issues, it is disgusting that the “manager” of some community am dram group won’t ban him openly and protect everyone else.

I’m sorry it falls to you, but honestly I think you and your friend need to take a stand. Tell the “manager” that banned is banned. Refuse to audition him. Tell him he cannot audition. Tell him that you will call the police if he attends. Speak to your community police officer about that.

RhiWrites · 12/04/2019 17:26

If you can ban him from participating you can ban him from auditioning. (He’ll make people just as uncomfortable at the audition, so he’s a problem for others there too.)

Kicking the can down the road won’t help. He’ll pitch a fit sooner or later. You may as well face it now.

crochetandshit · 12/04/2019 18:19

The suggestion by a pp that this will end us as a "funny story" is really fucking offensive.

HE STALKED A WOMAN FFS!

gottastopeatingchocolate · 12/04/2019 18:48

Send him another email from the official account stating that you just found out he is blacklisted and banned from the group, and that he should therefore not turn up to the audition at all as there can be no place for him in the production

Excellent advice.

Either your manager is handing it over to you to deal with, or he's not. Stand up to the manager.

I agree with all the comments that to audition someone and then not cast them because they are banned from the company makes no sense at all and could make a tricky situation worse.

crosstalk · 12/04/2019 19:02

If it's gone so far make sure the manager is at all auditions so he can deal with it. Tell the manager you are not prepared to audition people otherwise and he can find other directors.

Jamiefraserskilt · 12/04/2019 19:16

Why have you not reiterated his blacklisting?
You may audition at the times given with everyone else, no exceptions or special arrangements will be made.. However, let us reiterate that you will not be awarded inclusion in the performances due to your on going ban from this group.

micromanager1 · 12/04/2019 19:51

If I've understood correctly - person can't be cast as blacklisted, and is not able to make the auditions.

You don't need to respond to his request at all, or email him. He has the information around the auditions, because it is public - if he turns up and causes a fuss, or goes near the women with a restraining order you can call the police. If he decides to turn up and audition, and you can't stop him from doing this, then act as if he is a stranger and then do not cast him.

Don't reply to his email. It sounds like he has control issues - he is trying to bend the rules and maintain his power within the group. I don't doubt he sees himself as an asset and a skilled actor with previous experience, and wants to be very involved given there are new directors who may not know his past. Please do not offer him any special privileges, or the ability to contact you privately and make arrangements to facilitate him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/04/2019 20:16

The suggestion by a pp that this will end us as a "funny story" is really offensive

I didn't think anyone had suggested that, unless I've missed it?

FWIW I was the poster who wondered if this stupid manager was "hoping to use the scenario as the basis for a future drama", but I certainly didn't imagine there'd be anything funny about it

Mousetolioness · 12/04/2019 22:00

The manager is suggesting the equivalent of lighting the touch paper, standing back, and setting off a rocket in a confined space.

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