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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this CF behaviour?

95 replies

UghNotYouAgain · 12/04/2019 11:59

Namechanged and this is going to be long, so please bear with me and thank you for reading in advance. I need to get this off my chest and maybe someone will come along with good advice.

I joined an amateur drama group and after acting one season, my friend and I were given the opportunities to direct the next production which is a pretty big deal and we are very excited and happy. The group is incredibly supportive and everything is fine on that front.
However, there's one person who is making trouble. I will try not to dripfeed and give you as much backstory as possible.
This person had been a member of the group before my friend and I joined but left the season we joined after a massive rift, caused by him being unreliable to work with, always late and quite volatile at times (not physically, but verbally abusive). It got so bad that the manager of the group blacklisted him, so he wouldn't be cast in the future (it's a community project so they don't usually exclude people). After this he wasn't cast in the next production and didn't get something to do backstage either because people refused to work with him as he was unpleasant. He kicked off after this rejection, insulting and harassing the directors and people in charge of backstage departments via text, social media and email, simply creating new accounts when he was blocked. He even stalked one of the girls until he was cautioned by the police. After this he went to some sort of therapy, when he finished he announced he wouldn't have anything to do with the drama group anymore, deleted everyone's numbers and left the group chat. This didn't last long however as he soon started texting people again and showed up to a performance simply to make people feel uncomfortable.
So far for the backstory, when the play for the next season was announced in the group chat, I received a text from an unknown number shortly afterwards. It was this person, asking if it was true that I was directing. I said yes and gave him short but polite answers about the auditioning process. He then started to ask questions about the script and started to badmouth other members of the group to me. I told him truthfully that I couldn't answer these questions because these things were only between the directors and management at that time. His tone had been friendly until then but after my message he asked if I was "always this blunt and hostile", because he was "just trying to get to know the directors". I ignored the message and he didn't try again. He probably thought we didn't know the backstory and it would be an easy way back in. He also sent us friend requests on facebook and was just very "in your face" which made me and my friend very uncomfortable.
Today we have received an email from this person on the "official" drama group address, where he didn't address me, only my co-director and stated that our audition dates didn't suit him, so could he come 30 minutes before finishing and we just give him a monologue there or send it per email. The audition process usually includes some improv and reading with other members of the group, so we can see how they go together. On these things we then chose a monologue for each person auditioning to learn by heart to perform in front of us. There are three audition dates and as a former member he should be well acquainted with the process.
AIBU to tell him that if he wants to audition, he has to do the same things everyone else does? And are we unreasonable to not want to include him at all because of his past behaviour? Personally, even without knowing the backstory, I would have had enough after him trying to suck up to me while simultaneously insulting me but maybe I am overreacting. How would you deal with the issue?

OP posts:
UghNotYouAgain · 12/04/2019 12:35

He will definitely answer that email so our answer will be something along the lines of "You can't participate if you don't audition like everyone else"
In his version of the story, everyone is against him and hates him. I have already blocked his number (no idea where he got my number from anyway) and my co-director has done the same. It's just hard because the manager thinks by blacklisting him he has done enough to keep him away and he's no help at all.

OP posts:
UghNotYouAgain · 12/04/2019 12:37

@Knittedfairies and from what I heard he definitely isn't, he's a bad actor and even worse director who almost crashed the drama group when it was his turn to direct a play until somebody else took over. He just can't deal with rejection of any kind and I never had to handle a situation like this before.

OP posts:
Mia184 · 12/04/2019 12:37

I wouldn’t let him audition. Give him a finger and he will take the whole hand.

fecketyfeck21 · 12/04/2019 12:38

why is he being involved for an audition if he's been previously banned ?

OKBobble · 12/04/2019 12:39

Ya'll aren't welcome at this group but good luck finding another group!

UghNotYouAgain · 12/04/2019 12:41

Because the manager said "let him audition, he's blacklisted so you can't cast him anyway", because as I said, he doesn't want any trouble or issues.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/04/2019 12:41

Why are you tiptoeing around this man? Just send a message saying, "Because of your past behaviour and police involvement, you've been blacklisted from this group. You were told about this so I'm not sure why you're writing to me now."

And then don't get involved in any correspondence again. If he gets in touch, block, but don't delete his messages or your replies.

Oldraver · 12/04/2019 12:43

We emailed him and told him that he has to audition like everyone else

Why on earth did you do this if he has been banned from the group ?

You need to email him and say that he not welcome to audition due to being banned/his previous/police involvement.

Then if he turns up you can call the police and have him removed. I know you are afraid of causing trouble but really you have to be firm

Drum2018 · 12/04/2019 12:43

Don't say 'you can't participate ' as this gives reason to think he could get a part. While you don't have to reply at all, if you do feel the need then just simply state 'Auditions begin at xx sharp and end at yy sharp.' No signing off with niceties - just sign 'Directors'

MrsSpenserGregson · 12/04/2019 12:43

Do what @HollowTalk ^ says. If he contacts you again after that, call the police.

He's a stalker and the police have been involved. Absolutely do not have anything to with him, he's clearly dangerous.

StealthPolarBear · 12/04/2019 12:44

You are the director. Surely what you say goes.

Thehop · 12/04/2019 12:47

Ellisandra said what I was thinking. Get this guy out, blacklisted is blacklisted

BigDamnHero · 12/04/2019 12:48

I don't understand why you'd even let him audition when he's banned??

Just tell him he knows he's banned and to stay away.

If he turns up and makes trouble, call the police!

diddl · 12/04/2019 12:49

Why would you even consider it?

He was unreliable, late & noone wanted to work with him-that's before the stalking!

Is the woman he stalked still a member?

Driftingthoughlife · 12/04/2019 12:50

If I was the women who he had stalked I would be very upset that he is being allowed to audition. You need to nip this in the bud now.

pasturesgreen · 12/04/2019 12:53

I'd answer with something along the lines of what Shaggy said.

This man is blacklisted, with very good reason from what you say: don't make trouble for yourself by letting him back in. I can also imagine other members of the group who knew him beforehand would possibly quit if he's allowed back in.

arseabouttit · 12/04/2019 12:54

Send him another email from the official account stating that you just found out he is blacklisted and banned from the group, and that he should therefore not turn up to the audition at all as there can be no place for him in the production. Also state that you will consider any further personal contact with you or any other group member harassment and will have no issues reporting him to the police should he disregard your email. You can't give him an inch basically. Hire a "bouncer" to ensure he cannot enter the building or room where the auditions are being held and call the police if he causes any trouble.

AyeitstheCaddy · 12/04/2019 12:55

Mr Barnaby, due to your past behaviour, please be advised that you are not welcome with to attend any auditions, rehearsals or private functions for the “Midsummer mummers”

gokartdillydilly · 12/04/2019 12:57

I know someone like this. It's tricky but you just have to be blunt and direct - you have to tell him what's what in as plain a way as you can.

And deflect it onto management eg:

'Management has decided that due to previous issues and subsequent police involvement, there will be no opportunity for you to be involved in any aspect of our production, and therefore you will not be invited to audition. Communication will not be entered into. We wish you luck for the future.

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 12/04/2019 12:58

As a director in an am-dram group, I would normally accomodate someone in this position, agree to see them separately, as long as the rest of those auditioning knew that it was going that way.

This man, no. Absolutely not. I've seem some flouncy diva-esque behaviour in my time, but what this man has done is well above and beyond that. If you choose to let him come to teh audition, state that he can come to the group audition (late if needs be) and join in that, but you will not give him a separate audition (I'd be wary of being alone in a room with him - even 2 of you).

If you decide not to give him an audition and are worried that he'll turn up anyway, change the audition date and inform those who are coming.

Don't hesistate to call the police.

iano · 12/04/2019 13:01

Surely it's better to manage his expectations now.
Just tell him he won't be able to partake as he's banned. End of. Don't waste your time and his.

GreenTulips · 12/04/2019 13:01

I think you are being very fair, and can see why you are worried

Any chance someone has a video recorder to tape while he’s there if anything occurs?

Or can you ask a few friends to be in the building at the same time?

Yabbers · 12/04/2019 13:03

You can’t stop him turning up because it’s a public building?

So, any old person can turn up to any group in the church hall that a group is using? School disco, cubs, playgroup?

I don’t think so. If you don’t want him there you ask him to leave and if he doesn’t, you call the police.

leonasa · 12/04/2019 13:05

If you allow him to audition while knowing he can't be cast because he's blacklisted, that would be quite an odd strategy and could actually backfire as he could (with some reason) argue you've tricked him. If he's banned, he's banned, it is a bit bizarre to allow him to do a pointless audition. And it seems like you may be inviting further trouble on yourselves or other group members he may come into contact with.

If it ends up in another situation where police have to be involved, it will also somewhat undermine your case if he can show he was allowed to audition again.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/04/2019 13:06

the manager said "let him audition, he's blacklisted so you can't cast him anyway"

And what will the manager say when you start to lose members because of the unpleasantness this man causes? If he auditions and isn't cast, hasn't it occurred to anyone that this will just set off another blizzard of contacts/emails?

With his history and now the worry about him "attacking someone this time" it's almost unbelievable that anyone would even consider tolerating this ... and yes, you can prevent him being there, simply by calling the police if he turns up

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