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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowed to complain?

48 replies

BlueMoon1103 · 12/04/2019 07:08

I was talking to a relative saying how tired I am as my DS has reflux and I only got 3 hours sleep last night and was told I have no right to complain because he’s a baby. I’m aware of that and I love my DS so much but I didn’t think complaining about having no sleep was frowned upon? Should I not say anything from now on or is it okay to say how tired you are? Feel like I’ve dove something horrid :/

OP posts:
SneakyGremlins · 12/04/2019 07:09

Of course you can complain Confused

Amongstthetallgrass · 12/04/2019 07:10

Tell them to fuck off. Sleep deprivation is hideous and seriously affects your mental health. I remember my eye sight going when one of mine was really bad.

birdflyinghigh · 12/04/2019 07:20

I have observed there are two schools of thought regarding complaining.

Some people feel the need to vent. They feel better when they get whatever off their chest and when other people sympathise (not necessarily offer a solution). There is a feeling of shared experience and camaraderie.

Other people would rather not complain at all. They feel better by being positive and minimising any negative aspects of their life so they don't focus on them. Their problems are soon forgotten as they concentrate on more enjoyable things.

I have have had both outlooks in life. However I have to say when my life has been the most challenging I have used the latter as a survival technique and tend to favour that way now. It bloody works!

Not that I wouldn't be unsympathetic to lack of sleep at all! I recently had virtually no sleep (stupidly drank caffeinated coffee), slept for an hour and a half tops and felt pretty ropey. It can leave you feeling quite teary and irritable.

Siameasy · 12/04/2019 07:21

Ugh some people are weird about this. As in “well I had a shit time so now it’s your turn” type thing. Misery loves company.

CoodleMoodle · 12/04/2019 07:24

Of course you can complain! My 9 month old woke me up at 2:30am by thumping his legs in the cot. Then he started again at 6:20, and started babbling (and thumping!) at 6:40, then decided he'd had enough and wanted up at 7. I'm knackered and you'd better believe I'll be complaining today!

Sympathy for the reflux as well, my DD suffered majorly with it. It'll get better!

User457990033gYpovd7 · 12/04/2019 07:26

Of course you are allowed to say how tired you are. Your relative is being ridiculous. I would have expected them to show some empathy and support for you.

Please don't think you aren't allowed to complain to others about your tiredness (or anything else you experience). Just perhaps don't bother with that idiot person.

maddening · 12/04/2019 07:26

Then apply their argument back to them if they complain about anything - eg you are a human, humans get old deal with it

IWouldPreferNotTo · 12/04/2019 07:31

I think it's reasonable to complain but there are conditions.

If you're complaining about something you need to have tried something to alleviate the issue.

I think sleep deprivation is a killer and sometimes you need to split it with a partner (if possible) one of you commits to getting very poor sleep while the other takes over.

I think sharing the load is good, but sometimes one of you needs to get a solid sleep.

megrichardson · 12/04/2019 07:37

I wouldn't bother sharing your real feelings with that relative, next time. Your relative sounds like my mum - she couldn't deal with anyone telling her how they really felt, so as a consequence she didn't have authentic connections with anyone - we kept it all light and superficial.

Hope your baby starts settling down more at night soon.

Yellowcar2 · 12/04/2019 07:42

Of course you can complain it is very very hard not getting sleep.
However ( I'm sure this is not you) I have a work colleague who complains constantly about everything and is just generally a happiness vaccum and I quite often just want to eat my own head when she is about.

Honeydukes92 · 12/04/2019 07:44

You’re not wrong to feel miserable but there is definitely a school of people out there who take the ‘well you chose to have a baby and this is what they do so I don’t want to listen to you complain’ mentality!

Personally I think it’s a middle ground, have a vent but don’t do it constantly. When my ex best friend had her DD she literally NEVER stopped complaining. From the moment we met to the moment we said goodbye she would winge endlessly and I was sympathetic I really was but she was quite angry about how terrible she felt her life was and I often came away feeling like she’d been angry/ agitated with me! I had to stop seeing her as it negatively impacted my mental health after a while!

Damntheman · 12/04/2019 07:47

oh fuck that! Sleep deprivation is the worst thing I know. You complain as much as you need to!

Hazlenutpie · 12/04/2019 08:00

Your relative is a twat. End of.

Kazzyhoward · 12/04/2019 08:00

Just wondering how complaining about it helps??

kateandme · 12/04/2019 08:04

having no sleep is awful.it can feel like well in that moment like your dying!

ChicCroissant · 12/04/2019 08:06

I had a non-sleeper myself so I do understand how the lack of sleep gets to you, it is hard. Probably best to discuss it with other people at a similar stage to you rather than this particular relative as they may be more understanding when they are in that stage themselves.

When you are not in that stage yourself though, it is easy to think 'but all babies don't sleep through'!

Damntheman · 12/04/2019 08:06

Kazzy a good rant and a bit of sympathy makes the world of difference to me when I'm suffering like this. It makes me feel validated and that i'm not unreasonable for feeling so tired. Complaining helps a ton if the response you get is right!

WatershedMoment · 12/04/2019 08:10

It was the worst time of my life when i was going through the same situation and MIL always cut me off and made me feel like crap if i ever moaned. I thought i was dying from lack of sleep. Theres a reason its used as a form of torture.

Rooberoobe · 12/04/2019 08:10

Sleep deprivation was/is used as a form of torture so I’d say complain away! I did when my Child was a reflux cows milk allergy baby and I’m not sorry it was an awful time. Sending Gin hope it’s better soon.

labazsisgoingmad · 12/04/2019 08:11

complain away we dont mind lots of folk on here are going through same thing so they quite understand

Yougotdis · 12/04/2019 08:11

‘I’m sorry I thought you were someone interested in my feelings and well being. Clearly not’ and walk off. What a dick. Venting is good for you. Of course you expect sleepless nights with babies. Doesn’t mean you have to float around looking all earth mother and serene about it.

Ilikeslippers · 12/04/2019 08:12

I have have had both outlooks in life. However I have to say when my life has been the most challenging I have used the latter (not complaining) as a survival technique and tend to favour that way now. It bloody works!

Gosh, I experience the opposite. I have found it easier to cope when I started opening up to people about the trauma I am going through. It was awful carrying it alone as some sort of terrible secret. The psychological burden of that was tremendous.

WatershedMoment · 12/04/2019 08:12

*MILs forget what its like and i remember SIL, who doesn't have kid s saying, oh is it a bit like when youve been up clubbing? NO!! try clubbing for 12 months in a row every night!!!

DocusDiplo · 12/04/2019 08:13

Complain to someone nice

somewhereovertheroad · 12/04/2019 08:13

BlueMoon1103 do you have someone else in your life who supports you and your baby? Lack of sleep is extremely challenging as is looking after a young baby. Find a supportive person and speak to them regularly.

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