AIBU To want nothing more to do with MIL/DH family

[Abouttoovershareagain]

Name changed as I'm about to lay it all out there.

I refused to have MIL round for DGCs significant birthday.

DS1 recently got into an accident while on a playdate, nothing life threatening, but serious enough to need a trip to a&e then a subsequent visit to hospital and surgery. The whole process has been harrowing, this was DS1 first surgery, coupled with the fact that the damage is something DS1 will have to deal with for the rest of his life. The whole situation left us (DH and I) physically and mentally exhausted, the previous weeks had already been stressful and busy (the day before the accident we'd thrown a birthday party for DS2).

During this whole period DH contacted MIL keeping her abreast of the situation, she called once maybe twice to 'check in'. I am low C bordering on NC with my family and have been for the entirety of our relationship, it was just DH and I ferrying DS1 to and fro from a&e and hospital appointments while still handling the responsibilities of work, university and general childcare for DS2. DH spoke to MIL on the day of DS surgery, told her DS1 was going to need surgery under general anaesthetic and was met with "I would offer to come but I've got a funeral to go to, how are you going to to get home?" (we do not drive and the funeral was for her friends brother.)
DH had planned on asking her if she could pick us up but after her response told her he'd ask a friend or take an uber, which she accepted.

A week later DS1 had a significant birthday, and MIL called to ask what we planned on doing as she was "going to make the effort to come celebrate his birthday with him." I was upset at this, as DH relayed it as MIL being thoughtful.... After the week we had just had, no offer of help and hardly any contact with DS1(DH had to ask MIL to speak to him), the word "effort" set me off.

It brought up feelings of resentment I've had towards DH side of the family and with a few days until DS1 birthday I couldn't/wouldn't sit around entertaining them on the day. I feel terrible for DH as he naturally wanted his mother there but I didn't think we could have them around without incident. I put my foot down and he told her he'd arrange another time for her to come and see DC. She got upset and said she felt like she had to make an appointment to come and see her grandchildren and it shouldn't be that way.

His side hardly see our children and are very lackluster when they do, DS2 refuses to go to them and DS1 is usually ignored when they do come round, one or two sentences are exchanged then they settle into a debate amongst themselves (MIL, DH and his siblings) or watch something wildly inappropriate for children on TV. (this happens EVERY single time!)

Their lack of effort has been on going, DH and I met in our teens and had DS1 early, we've been together for 15 years but the amount of effort has been consistently low. We were 19 and 20 when we had DS1. We've done everything by ourselves... left to find a place to live with no help or advice, left to go to the labour ward by ourselves, had to buy everything we needed by ourselves... more recently missing birthdays never doing anything with the children and many other little things have probably left me a 'bit' bitter.

We used to make our way every weekend to MIL House for 3/4 years as DH wanted DC1 to have a relationship with his side, but their lack of engagement with DC1and little sly comments eventually made me sour and I pulled away and stopped going, only attending when necessary. DH did have a word with MIL and she did eventually notice that DH was also pulling away so in the last year or two has suddenly wanted to come round a little more often (but DH and I also think this is due to tension in her own home as the two have coincided).

Their lack of support and the lack of concern shown recently has left me unwilling to accommodate them anymore, I was trying for the sake of DH but this last incident has left me wanting to go NC. DH and kids can obviously see MIL and the rest of his family whenever they want but I don't want to entertain them in our home. I cook and clean and do all that I can to make sure they are comfortable when they come round but I'm no longer feeling inclined to put in all the effort needed to host them.

This has become a bone of contention between DH and I. He does not believe their lack of support has been that terrible. He feels it, but expects it as that is what he grew up with. Dh believes I am judging her by my own standards and not everyone is able to give as much. But I can't help but feel like this kind of lackluster support is not normal, especially when we had DC1. Am I wrong and is he right?

Sorry for the long post, It'd be great to hear opinions on whether I've expected far too much from MIL and any advice on how to handle my feelings would be a bonus situation like this?

Thanks in advance!

Maybe instead of expecting her to make the first move, you should invite her. Some people don’t like to intrude. You say that DH doesn’t feel their lack of support is that terrible. Maybe that’s the level of commitment in that family. Ie. Low key, rather than hands on.

I remember talking to a newly married work colleague. She was amazed because on dh’s birthday, every member of his family would ring up and wish him happy birthday, and he would do the same on their birthday. In her family, this didn’t happen.

It’s not necessarily lack of support, but a different why of doing things. You said she ‘checked in’ so she did make the effort. Maybe not everyday, but if dc was poorly, she maybe was giving you space and didn’t want to Over intrude.

IMO when someone is n/lc with both sides of the family the problem usually sits far closer to home.

Or it's because two people with similarly difficult family backgrounds have bonded. You can't judge either way on that alone.

I think you are expecting too much.
The examples you gave are not a big deal.
You can’t ask your husband to cut off his own family .
Hope your ds is ok

Yabvu. Your mil doesnt sound like shes done anything wrong, and I guarantee she can sense your dislike of her. Not allowing her to the party was extremely nasty.

Hope all is well with your DS. Your child 100% your responsibility. Nice if family can and want to help.
Supporting others with bereavement is important and your MIL sounds a good friend.

I think your standards are somewhat exacting for others if they don't fit in with your expected and unspoken criteria.

Don't alienate yourselves. One of you needs to drive as clearly there are times this skill is needed.

Why is there no one you can talk to in RL?
You need friends.

Take a deep breath and don't make this bigger than it needs to be. Include your MIL and family. Don't let your DC miss these out on these family relationships.

YABU. You sound like you're over analysing everything.

You're an adult, of course you have to expect to do things by yourself.

And excluding her from the party was just mean. You're sending out mixed messages really. You say you want her to be more involved and then you go and cut her out.

I wouldn't be surprised if your MIL was very confused right now.

With regards to her not constantly contacting you whilst ds was in the hospital, why would she?? You said your husband was keeping her updated constantly. The last thing anyone wants when their child is having surgery is constant interruptions (certainly that was how I felt).

You're being over the top.

Mmm, you sound hard work.

The first comment said it all really. It almost seems as if you are looking for reasons to take offence, brood, ruminate, simmer up a huff, and cut people off if their lives don't revolve fully around yours.

I'm normally on the daughter in laws side with these kinds of things but I don't really see what she's done wrong here. Your husband was keeping her updated so I'm sure you would have moaned if she was ringing everyday distracting you. Also, she had a funeral to go to. It's very entitled to expect her to not go just because neither of you learnt to drive.

I look back to what my Nanna did when I was a child and it was frankly, not a lot.

I still loved her massively.

We saw her at major holidays and my DF rang her when he was reminded. She bought presents for birthdays and Christmas, that I probably didn't like. She chatted a bit with me and then went back to watching the TV and smoking like chimneys.

I don't think if I'd had a accident she'd have spoken to me on the phone about my feelings. She'd have thought that was nuts.

And yet I remember this as an entirely positive grandparent relationship with much love, affection and care.

As an adult, I found out my DM hated her and my DF's relationship with her was ambivalent to say the least. This was never apparent to me at the time.

I'd suggest you chill out, if you want something ask, but don't be disappointed if she doesn't do it. You don't need to see them every weekend, clearly that's nuts, but NC is over the top too. Just allow people to be people.

I'm struggling with your issues as well op. You seem to be very sensitive with incredibly high expectations, and the things uou see as insults are really not.

I think you need to deal with your own issues, and try to put your kids first, because based on your list it really is not right to cut your kids grandparents out their lives.

@RubberTreePlant I agree 100 percent. IME people with dysfunctional families very often end up together. This "lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place" idea is so damaging - it's entirely possible to end up with a set of in-laws as batshit mental as your own family through no fault of your own.

I think your MIL will never be able to get it right, no matter what she does.....

I feel sorry for your future DILs actually. I think you’re going to be a nightmare MIL.

You seem to hold so much resentment to your MIL especially for things you think she should have done but hasn’t. When we choose to set up home and have children that’s on us and nobody else. Lovely if there’s support from family but we can’t expect it.

It’s like the way you feel and think a family should be has somehow got all tangled up.
Don’t go NC over this OP. It really isn’t worth it.

You've had as lot going on by the sound of it. What happened to your DS must have been frightening and having a child in hospital is always stressful. But in the gentlest way possible, YABU.

Your MIL asked how you were going to get home after your DS's surgery, so it sounds like she was concerned and probably felt a bit torn but if she'd already told her friend she'd be there as moral support at her Brothers funeral then she was in a difficult position. And your DH didn't actually ask her for a lift, did he? Maybe if he had she would have changed her plans.

All the stuff about having to find yourselves somewhere to live, furnish the place yourselves, get yourselves to labour ward etc. That's just normal in many families. I agree it's nice if parents are willing and able to help out their adult DC and I hope to be able to do that myself when the time comes, but not every family has the same values. It doesn't say anywhere in your post that you've asked them outright for favours and they've refused, just that you think they should offer to help more.

I don't understand why you banned MIL from coming round to see your DS on his birthday, especially as you say your DH wanted his DM there. She hasn't done anything that terrible to warrant being excluded from a family event. She doesn't sound cruel, abusive or as though she's deliberately done anything to upset you. You complain that your in laws show no interest in your DC but then when your MIL wants to celebrate your DS birthday with you, you don't let her. Don't you think you're giving her rather mixed messages?

My in laws aren't bothered about our DC really. In five years they've never offered to babysit, they don't interact with them much or take an interest in what they're up to and I've come to terms with that. They're not terrible people, they're just not very family oriented, I think they love our DC but they just have other priorities and don't feel the same desire to be involved in their lives that my DP's do. It's a shame for my DH as I know he'd like them to take more of an interest, but I'm not about to ban them from my home and refuse to speak to them as that would make an already sad situation even more difficult for him. I don't make an effort for them, I do it because I love my DH and whatever I think of them, they're his DP's.

I feel sorry for your DH in all this to be honest. It sounds as though you want to cut his DP's out of your life for the crime of not offering you lifts (it's not her fault you don't drive) or babysitting and he's just supposed to accept it. You say of course DH and the kids can still see her but your DH wanted to see her on your DS birthday and you "put your foot down".
How do you expect him to explain to his DM that she is no longer welcome in your home? I would think very carefully about this to be honest as it could end up driving a massive wedge between you.

You know, I've reread the post again, and I can't see anywhere in there where OP is going out of her way to help out PILs either. Sounds like she thinks it should all be helping her, and not a two way relationship.

But I can't help but feel like this kind of lackluster support is not normal, especially when we had DC1. Am I wrong and is he right?

I think there’s a huge variation on how grandparents act from being totally obsessive and pushing all kind of boundaries to absolutely not giving a fuck. It depends on many things - time, money, their own experience with their GPs and how they think a grandparent should be.

It’s complex OP. I do wonder whether your own experience with your family is somehow tainting your relationship with MIL? Your family abused you and you are NC but PILs aren’t abusive so therefore in your mind you think they should be doing everything for your family, always putting them first, going overboard etc.

I’m sorry things have been hard for you OP have you had any counselling for what’s happened with your family? I wonder if it might help sort out your mixed up feelings that you have for your PILs?

Until recently I always thought people had good reasons to go NC.

How naive I was........

I was 18 and engaged (fool that I was!) when I bought my 1st house (I’m an old gimmer!) and MIL to be insisted on coming round with us. She was a bloody nightmare and we ended up with a shithole of a house because of it.
When dd was born MIL mk2 abused her voluntary pass to get to see me and dd outside of visiting hours do she could say she was the first to see us(despite me looking and feeling like crap and just wanting a little bit of me and dd time before the world descended.
I’d have loved a MIL like yours who just left us to get on with life but we knew was there.
And it was a funeral - there was only one funeral but many ways to be transported.

I agree with PP that maybe you have unrealistic expectations. It sounds like MiL isn't the most hands on grandmother but she does show an interest in your family. Obviously it would be lovely to have family who make you the centre of their world and drop everything to help but I think the majority aren't really like this. It's also difficult for grandparents to know how much help is wanted and what would be intrusive. It's also not fair to expect them not to have their own lives - to just sit waiting to be asked to help with the grandkids, or to just drop their own commitments the second you ask.

I think you are going to be a very lonely person in years to come. By all means go NC. Your DH and children might be able to build a more positive relationship with MIL without you bringing the bitterness into the situation. I honestly dread my sons marrying someone like this. You seem to think you have a right to damage your husband and children's relationship with their family..

She was going to a funeral. A funeral. Of course she should do a funeral rather than give you a lift.

Also I am incredulous that one of the things you are upset about is that you had to make your own way to the labour ward. Of course you did you are an adult, by definition because you are having a baby. I don’t know a single person who would have expected anyone other than their partner to get them to the labour ward. It’s your baby nothing to do with grandma. Her role is to coo and say so cute once born at a time of your choosing.

Clearly you don’t like her and are upset but I really cannot see what she has done wrong

I do understand that your expectations were higher than others might have been. Maybe mine were so low that I was grateful for any interest (and I'm not suggesting that's a good thing). My ex left when I was pregnant - his mother came out for my DD's christening (overseas) and was fine but apparently said to DD's father that he didn't owe DD and me anything and must get on with his life as he chose. It hurt at the time but .... people are different and I accept that. DD and I have had a good relationship with (kind of) ex MIL for 21 years. She is probably self interested but that's ok.

My own DF didn't speak to me for six years after DD was born because he couldn't deal with a daughter who was a single parent. Yet when I came back to the UK when DD was six, it was all fine. Acceptance is key. DD understood the limitations of both her DGM and DGF but I would never have gone NC in retaliation.

Hopefully you can sort this out, for the sake of your DH who must feel terribly torn in terms of loyalty.

Be careful OP. If my husband even suggested banning my mother from my home I would leave him. Don't force your husband to make such a decision. It must have been awful for him to have to tell his mother she wasn't welcome at the party.

I feel terrible for DH as he naturally wanted his mother there but I didn't think we could have them around without incident.

You mean without you sounding off over nothing.

I'm veer between feeling sorry for your husband, and wanting him to grow a backbone and some loyalty towards his family. You are totally dictating terms. You say that your kids don't really want to go there. i wonder how they've formed their opinions about their grandparents? From you, perhaps?

I have huge a with my mother, stemming from childhood. But my children (now grown) knew nothing of it. I wanted them to have a warm family life. My mum was going to be in their lives, and I wanted them to have a happy relationship with their grandparents, whatever lay in my past.
So shut up and let your inlaw family in. It's not like they take up much of your life.

sorry - that should read "huge issues with my mother"

Thanks @PBobs 🙂