AIBU To want nothing more to do with MIL/DH family

[Abouttoovershareagain]

Name changed as I'm about to lay it all out there.

I refused to have MIL round for DGCs significant birthday.

DS1 recently got into an accident while on a playdate, nothing life threatening, but serious enough to need a trip to a&e then a subsequent visit to hospital and surgery. The whole process has been harrowing, this was DS1 first surgery, coupled with the fact that the damage is something DS1 will have to deal with for the rest of his life. The whole situation left us (DH and I) physically and mentally exhausted, the previous weeks had already been stressful and busy (the day before the accident we'd thrown a birthday party for DS2).

During this whole period DH contacted MIL keeping her abreast of the situation, she called once maybe twice to 'check in'. I am low C bordering on NC with my family and have been for the entirety of our relationship, it was just DH and I ferrying DS1 to and fro from a&e and hospital appointments while still handling the responsibilities of work, university and general childcare for DS2. DH spoke to MIL on the day of DS surgery, told her DS1 was going to need surgery under general anaesthetic and was met with "I would offer to come but I've got a funeral to go to, how are you going to to get home?" (we do not drive and the funeral was for her friends brother.)
DH had planned on asking her if she could pick us up but after her response told her he'd ask a friend or take an uber, which she accepted.

A week later DS1 had a significant birthday, and MIL called to ask what we planned on doing as she was "going to make the effort to come celebrate his birthday with him." I was upset at this, as DH relayed it as MIL being thoughtful.... After the week we had just had, no offer of help and hardly any contact with DS1(DH had to ask MIL to speak to him), the word "effort" set me off.

It brought up feelings of resentment I've had towards DH side of the family and with a few days until DS1 birthday I couldn't/wouldn't sit around entertaining them on the day. I feel terrible for DH as he naturally wanted his mother there but I didn't think we could have them around without incident. I put my foot down and he told her he'd arrange another time for her to come and see DC. She got upset and said she felt like she had to make an appointment to come and see her grandchildren and it shouldn't be that way.

His side hardly see our children and are very lackluster when they do, DS2 refuses to go to them and DS1 is usually ignored when they do come round, one or two sentences are exchanged then they settle into a debate amongst themselves (MIL, DH and his siblings) or watch something wildly inappropriate for children on TV. (this happens EVERY single time!)

Their lack of effort has been on going, DH and I met in our teens and had DS1 early, we've been together for 15 years but the amount of effort has been consistently low. We were 19 and 20 when we had DS1. We've done everything by ourselves... left to find a place to live with no help or advice, left to go to the labour ward by ourselves, had to buy everything we needed by ourselves... more recently missing birthdays never doing anything with the children and many other little things have probably left me a 'bit' bitter.

We used to make our way every weekend to MIL House for 3/4 years as DH wanted DC1 to have a relationship with his side, but their lack of engagement with DC1and little sly comments eventually made me sour and I pulled away and stopped going, only attending when necessary. DH did have a word with MIL and she did eventually notice that DH was also pulling away so in the last year or two has suddenly wanted to come round a little more often (but DH and I also think this is due to tension in her own home as the two have coincided).

Their lack of support and the lack of concern shown recently has left me unwilling to accommodate them anymore, I was trying for the sake of DH but this last incident has left me wanting to go NC. DH and kids can obviously see MIL and the rest of his family whenever they want but I don't want to entertain them in our home. I cook and clean and do all that I can to make sure they are comfortable when they come round but I'm no longer feeling inclined to put in all the effort needed to host them.

This has become a bone of contention between DH and I. He does not believe their lack of support has been that terrible. He feels it, but expects it as that is what he grew up with. Dh believes I am judging her by my own standards and not everyone is able to give as much. But I can't help but feel like this kind of lackluster support is not normal, especially when we had DC1. Am I wrong and is he right?

Sorry for the long post, It'd be great to hear opinions on whether I've expected far too much from MIL and any advice on how to handle my feelings would be a bonus situation like this?

Thanks in advance!

It's you who is the problem, NC with your own family now doing the same to your IL?
Cut all contact and stop complaining, won't be long before you fall out with someone else.

Honestly? I'm sorry to say (just being honest!) but I think you're being VVU. She called to check in. She didn't want to miss a funeral to pick you up. (Ever heard of a taxi?) You imply that she's not right for going to the funeral because it's a friend's brother - this is awful. Who are you to say who she can grieve for and pay her respects to? Your son had both parents with him, he was very well supported, why would she need to come too? Yes it might have been nice but if she did come I get the feeling you'd have been complaining about her while she was there - that's just how the post comes across - like you're looking for reasons to be angry? As a grown man your DH doesn't NEED his mummy when there's an issue in his family, so I don't think you need to feel bad for him either that she didn't rush around. I'd say she behaved reasonably and you DO sound like hard work (like a PP said). If my niece or nephew had a minor accident I'd not be cancelling funerals and rushing round to keep a bedside vigil either, if both parents were there. Like you said, it's not life threatening, he was fine. It was scary but she phoned to check in. And when he was better she wanted to make the effort to come and see him which is what I'd do too, not wanting to get in the way beforehand or knowing I couldn't be of any real help when he's already being dealt with by both parents and trained professionals.

Needless to say I think this is a ludicrous reason for going NC and really horrible. Because the poor women didn't want to act like mother to your son/didn't want to miss a FUNERAL to act as your TAXI! (Is this for real?????!!!!) She did her job as grandmother by checking in and trying to come to see him later. Your poor husband. THIS is why you should be feeling bad for him.

So because she doesn't ferry you around everywhere and didn't buy you things, you want to go NC?

I think you need to grow up. It's not your mils fault you don't drive.

I agree the majority of other posters. For the reasons you gave, I would never go NC. My own parents are far less involved (they have never gifted me money and actually booked their holiday so they were out of the country when i gave birth) and they often forget my kids birthdays. I don't get offended at all - why should I? They raised me after all and have busy lives and it doesn't mean they love my kids any less. They make a fuss when they do see them and always will quickly buy a card and a gift when I gently remind them of my kids birthdays via a bday invite. I think you have overly high expectations of people in general and especially of your in-laws. Please don't go NC with them for the sake of your DH and kids.

Uninviting thier grandmother to the party is ridiclous! I gather you feel unsupported and wish they were more involved but that is so childish if you have a form for that kind of behaviour I don't blame the grandparent not being accommodating whitch btw sounds like she is ringing up specifically to enquire about your son wanting to spend time with him on his birthday !

I find your resentment over them no providing for you when you were a young couple slightly alarming. Your in-laws didn't force you to get pregnant and find living arrangements. You made adult choices so you should have expected to deal with adult consequences. How would any of that been THEIR responsibility?

I understand where you are coming from. MyOPs parents are pretty bad. The worst thing they did was when I was in a car accident, one of our children died and they literally came to the hospital for one day to see me. Stayed at our house, ate food our neighbor last brought over for us and then left. Left my poor husband to deal with everything. I’ve never forgiven them and am as low contact as possible. People can be arseholes.

So your dh kept his side of the family informed regularly but you wanted them to call more....all while being LC???
You don’t own a car and yet expected someone else to drop everything for you.
Now that the surgery is over and it’s okay to visit you don’t want them to come over?
I must be tired because it seems very confusing and can only imagine how confused your in laws are.
Either you want contact (calls of concern, help with transport) or you don’t NC.
Sometimes having it when it suits you makes no sense.

Could it be that because you didn't experience a positive childhood you are projecting what you think an idealised family should be like and finding your MIL to fall short of it? I'm sorry if that is full of assumptions - I'm just trying to understand your perspective and where you are coming from. I agree, she doesn't sound warm, fluffy and supportive but she also doesn't sound particularly destructive, aggressive or mean. Just as though she doesn't see herself in the doting mother/grandmother role. Which I think is fine unless you have higher expectations - which it sounds like you have?

I say this as someone who has a highly supportive mum and dad combo. They would do anything for me and have been going above and beyond recently. They have definitely tended to do this more as I have got older - because they have more time now than when I was younger I think. But I'm NC with my MIL who is just not very nice and displays narcissistic tendencies - although she is definitely not an abusive narcissist. If she were as you describe your MIL to be I'd be OK with it. We wouldn't be best friends but we'd rub along.

@Ihatehashtags I'm sorry for your loss.

Sorry, but I don't see as your MIL has really done anything much wrong here. You are expecting too much and sound impossible to please

Why the fuck would you expect them to come and view houses with you? Normal couples just crack on and do that themselves.

Getting ready for the baby was your responsibility, not theirs. The odd gift is nice, but you can't expect it.

Whatever is wrong with having to make your own way to the labour ward? That is totally normal for most of us. It isn't a family event.

Your MIL did keep up to speed when DS was in hospital. He was OK and properly supported by both parents.

She also had to go to a funeral and support a friend. You are put out about that and think that she should have dropped everything and come running to be at your beck and call.

Sorry, but I have read and reread your OP, and the main problem I can see isn't your MIL, it is your ridiculous expectations and sense of entitlement.

Be sure you are not creating unnecessary additional problems. Most of what you seem to be taking umbrage at is stuff that is normally the responsibility of parents to sort out for themselves, not grandparents.

This is bizarre. Your mil was kept up to date on your son and called to check in. She checked to see you had a way home from the hospital. This just reads as a lot of entitlement. This all just reads as petty and immature. Her friend's brother died, and you are mad she couldn't drive you around. This is just sad.

It's definitely entitlement. Are you the princess of somewhere?
Whatever it is you need to get adult

Did she contact you at all? Or was he just expected to keep calling her and calling her I would hate that

I think you have had a shite time but it does seem as if you have overreacted to this one phrase she used saying that I would have gone apocalyptic so I definitely dont deal with stress well 😂🤷‍♀️

You need to look at your own behaviour OP. You are want your MIL to do all these things, but you just passively aggressively drop hints, then hold it against her when she doesn't immediately figure out your clues and jump to your service. You are expecting her to prove her love for your in ways that you see as having value to you, but may not hold value for her.

This is one of the posts that I would love to hear from the MIL's point of view. She's probably sitting over there saying 'I don't understand what I have done wrong. I've tried to give them space, I don't intrude on their lives, when she went into labour, I didn't keep badgering them, I waited until they came to me, I didn't go around there all the time when they had the baby so that DIL didn't feel I was trying to take over. They were 19 when they had their first and thought they were so grown up, they never asked us for anything. Now, I've tried to ask about my DGDs birthday party and been told I'm not allowed in her house. I have no idea what I've done wrong.'

Sounds like you’ve spent several years bottling up general dislike for your MIL and for whatever reason it’s all come to a head at this stressful time of health in your son’s life, and all those feelings have poured out.

I’m often confused by how many people say they are going NC without ever seeming to have even had a conversation to discuss the issues.
Your MIL will have no idea why this is happening (not that I think it should) if you or your DH don’t talk to her.

I do empathise OP that it can be frustrating to have ILs/DPs who are not as interested/helpful as maybe your friend's parents are/you would expect. However, I would agree with the majority of posters on here from the tone of your original posts (not your subsequent posts to be fair as you clearly are trying to see all sides) you expect too much/are hard work. Your MIL etc doesn't sound abusive just not as interested as you would like. Think you need to think long and hard about your behaviour towards them/how it is coloured by your past etc and whether NC is really the best choice.

‘Many people (myself included) would never show up to a house uninvited. So saying your door is always open, if you are not specifically inviting them on any specific dates, is completely meaningless.’

This, avec les knobs on.

Particularly if travelling is a grind. Who wants to turn up to find hosts not in/having a bad day/with no food in the larder?

It sounds like you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill OP.

Your mil checked in whilst your dc was in hospital. Actually that sounds perfect to me, nothing worse than having to deal with overbearing people, who need lots of input, when dealing with that sort of thing.

They had a funeral to go to. Why should they then have to drop everything to ferry you about?

There’s so many threads on MN around overbearing grandparents, getting too involved. Your dh dm seems to have a fairly good grasp of when to get involved and when to step back. I’m not actually seeing an issue here. Maybe you need to think about standing on your own two feet and letting your mil be a grandparent

@BorisBadunov it's not about people turning up uninvited its about adults communicating openly and asking for what they want. MIL saw DD Monday but sent a text yesterday about how she missed her. Not asking is it ok if we pop by tomorrow at the weekend, not can we arrange somewhen to see DD, just a very passive 'we miss her'. It drives me crazy and is because they would like people to think they would see her more if only I would let them. IMO they would never bother unless I completely arrange it. I can see how this seems petty but week after week these small passive aggressive things grind you down and I've found reinforcing my truth (they are always welcome to see DD) stops their script from taking over.

@abouttoovershareagain, you mention your high standards a couple of times across your posts. I think that you have high expectations rather than standards & in the examples you have given, your expectations are not reasonable.

I think your expectations of parents holding your hands while househunting and going into labour and in other areas are misplaced.

Either that or I am a terrible parent.

My DCs have not complained though, so I will go with my first thought.

Quite honestly, I think you were wrong to exclude MIL from the party and to be considering going NC (and expecting your DH to go along with all of that obv). I think you owe your DH an apology.

I don't think she sounds all that bad, and I think your husband has more of a feel for what is normal in families when children grow up than you do. You can talk to your DH about the wildly unsuitable TV programmes he and his family watch when they visit, but how old are your children?

Something is biting you, to have such a strong reaction. I would dismiss the idea that your MIL is a problem and dig deeper.

I'm NC with my mother and TBH I don't see anything here that warrants NC. I know how the awfulness can be lost in translation, but if it's really just them not making much of an effort (there's none of that angry silences, walking on eggshells stuff, she's pleasant enough to the kids, doesn't pick favourites etc) then I would just dial back my own efforts and let the relationship slide. Some people are just a bit selfish and not into family - you can't make them be what you want, and you're free to judge in your own head and resolve to be a better grandparent, but as long as she's civil I think you should be too. Let your DH do the work around her visits and stuff though, drop the rope on that stuff.

I am reminded of that advice book, 'Get out of My Life: But First Take Me and Alex Into Town'.

I think you should have called asking if she could take you home from hospital? She didn't say no, she said where she was and asked you how you were getting home. Although she wanted to support her friend at her brothers funeral she probably would have chosen her GC over them?

We are always careful how we ask MIL for things as FIL says they can be busy but if we ask she will cancel plans, so we always ask what she's doing first and if she's free then ask.

I think it's hard to go NC becuase of that and them watching inappropriate TV, if that was a reason to go NC I'd be NC with DH!

There may be more to the story so can't really say anything more, from your post I think don't go NC, just explain you were having a small party after all the upset of what had happened and hope it blows over. (Also hope your DH isn't a idiot like mine who would have said 'wife doesn't want you at the party'