AIBU To want nothing more to do with MIL/DH family

[Abouttoovershareagain]

Name changed as I'm about to lay it all out there.

I refused to have MIL round for DGCs significant birthday.

DS1 recently got into an accident while on a playdate, nothing life threatening, but serious enough to need a trip to a&e then a subsequent visit to hospital and surgery. The whole process has been harrowing, this was DS1 first surgery, coupled with the fact that the damage is something DS1 will have to deal with for the rest of his life. The whole situation left us (DH and I) physically and mentally exhausted, the previous weeks had already been stressful and busy (the day before the accident we'd thrown a birthday party for DS2).

During this whole period DH contacted MIL keeping her abreast of the situation, she called once maybe twice to 'check in'. I am low C bordering on NC with my family and have been for the entirety of our relationship, it was just DH and I ferrying DS1 to and fro from a&e and hospital appointments while still handling the responsibilities of work, university and general childcare for DS2. DH spoke to MIL on the day of DS surgery, told her DS1 was going to need surgery under general anaesthetic and was met with "I would offer to come but I've got a funeral to go to, how are you going to to get home?" (we do not drive and the funeral was for her friends brother.)
DH had planned on asking her if she could pick us up but after her response told her he'd ask a friend or take an uber, which she accepted.

A week later DS1 had a significant birthday, and MIL called to ask what we planned on doing as she was "going to make the effort to come celebrate his birthday with him." I was upset at this, as DH relayed it as MIL being thoughtful.... After the week we had just had, no offer of help and hardly any contact with DS1(DH had to ask MIL to speak to him), the word "effort" set me off.

It brought up feelings of resentment I've had towards DH side of the family and with a few days until DS1 birthday I couldn't/wouldn't sit around entertaining them on the day. I feel terrible for DH as he naturally wanted his mother there but I didn't think we could have them around without incident. I put my foot down and he told her he'd arrange another time for her to come and see DC. She got upset and said she felt like she had to make an appointment to come and see her grandchildren and it shouldn't be that way.

His side hardly see our children and are very lackluster when they do, DS2 refuses to go to them and DS1 is usually ignored when they do come round, one or two sentences are exchanged then they settle into a debate amongst themselves (MIL, DH and his siblings) or watch something wildly inappropriate for children on TV. (this happens EVERY single time!)

Their lack of effort has been on going, DH and I met in our teens and had DS1 early, we've been together for 15 years but the amount of effort has been consistently low. We were 19 and 20 when we had DS1. We've done everything by ourselves... left to find a place to live with no help or advice, left to go to the labour ward by ourselves, had to buy everything we needed by ourselves... more recently missing birthdays never doing anything with the children and many other little things have probably left me a 'bit' bitter.

We used to make our way every weekend to MIL House for 3/4 years as DH wanted DC1 to have a relationship with his side, but their lack of engagement with DC1and little sly comments eventually made me sour and I pulled away and stopped going, only attending when necessary. DH did have a word with MIL and she did eventually notice that DH was also pulling away so in the last year or two has suddenly wanted to come round a little more often (but DH and I also think this is due to tension in her own home as the two have coincided).

Their lack of support and the lack of concern shown recently has left me unwilling to accommodate them anymore, I was trying for the sake of DH but this last incident has left me wanting to go NC. DH and kids can obviously see MIL and the rest of his family whenever they want but I don't want to entertain them in our home. I cook and clean and do all that I can to make sure they are comfortable when they come round but I'm no longer feeling inclined to put in all the effort needed to host them.

This has become a bone of contention between DH and I. He does not believe their lack of support has been that terrible. He feels it, but expects it as that is what he grew up with. Dh believes I am judging her by my own standards and not everyone is able to give as much. But I can't help but feel like this kind of lackluster support is not normal, especially when we had DC1. Am I wrong and is he right?

Sorry for the long post, It'd be great to hear opinions on whether I've expected far too much from MIL and any advice on how to handle my feelings would be a bonus situation like this?

Thanks in advance!

I wonder if they backed off a lot when you had a baby so young because it is really easy for young parents to end up very reliant on their parents and they wanted to avoid that happening.

I honestly think your abusive family of origin has affected your thinking.
Expecting them to come and view houses and go to the labour ward with you is unrealistic.

I don’t see that what she has done is worth going no contact over and in the gentlest possible way, I really think you are over reacting and your DH is right.

It’s possible for you to go LC, and step back and let him manage the relationship with his side.

Inthink you've got to stop expecting people to respond the way you would, or you would like them to, it's unrealistic

It must have been very scary for you guys but perhaps they gave you distance thinking that's what you wanted? My parents are dead but they were very hands off and my brother is worse. He's there if I ask but wouldn't just plough in

My IL are much the same, they do phone and ask if they can help occasionally but it's rare. I have an aunt who I know would immediately say right I'm on my way and I'll print a cottage pie and dessert as you need much support whixh is great but that's just her way and I wouldn't expect it from everyone

Also just remember there's a fine line too, my IL who are prettty hands off, will try to accommodate if we ask, but they get over involved in some things which causes friction too, an example is an extension we urgently need - far far cheaper than moving house and also we love where we live but they're highly opinionated about this and it's really unhelpfu

Accept people are people and they're not really ever going to know whet you expect them to do, and people are thoughtless often expecting you or others to inform them, not the other way around, for whatever reason, who knows - I try hard to send a few texts to my friends having problems and offer help but I can't be sure if that's what they'd definitely want off me

I think I'm trying to say that you're being a bit harsh and a bit OTT to go NC

I hope your child is ok

OP it's ok to ask for what you want - help viewing a house, choosing baby stuff, a lift, but it's not good for you not to ask and then feel really resentful.

GP are not the best GP ever and may well be below average but they don't sound like the worst either, they are just not making as much effort as you would like them to. The best way to feel better about this is I agree to make less effort in return. This doesn't mean LC or NC though.

They are your DHs parents and if he wants them in his life and they are not abusive please try to support his wishes.

Counselling might help you to work through your feelings about it all as it's clearly complex.

Why doesn't at least one of you drive?

It's not his mums job to ensure your house purchase is the right one. Nor to be there at your beck and call as neither of you can drive.

Old enough to take on the huge responsibility of being a parent means you don't need your parents to buy a house, go into labour, buy things etc.

It's difficult isn't it. I think focus on your own family and leave the door open for his parents. If they want to visit and you're free then fine. If you're busy then tell them. My parents are seldom interested in my children. I visit alot while they're at school to take them to medical appointments. When I leave they give me a list of things to do as long as my arm! I dont do anything social with them.

I think yabu

These are not reasons to go non contact.

Sure you can stop rolling out the carpet and playing hostess with the mostest...but it’s a mistake to “put your foot down” and not let them come to a birthday because you might have a toddler style meltdown....

A lot of your gripe/mil’s “crimes” are minor (truly)
Is she the best - no, not by the sound of it but is she emotionally damaging your family /vindictive/cruel... no

My future PIL are lovely but can be totally self absorbed. I can easily see them not picking up from the train station and letting my struggle across town with luggage because they “had to do the shopping” (both are retired!)
I also predict minimal help /engagement with any mini-horsemen

My point is they aren’t awful they just have different priorities and values and are set in their ways.

Also Learn to drive! Even in London is it unusual to have 2 children and not be able to drive...so that one is on you / your DP

I'm sorry OP, but I think it's likely you that's the problem. You are holding MIL to some imagined standard that it sounds she can't live up to. If she'd been more involved, I suspect you'd be complaining about her interfering, as it is you're complaining she's hands off. You dislike her, but you're annoyed she didn't offer to take you home from hospital. You banned her from a party, but you're moaning she doesn't see the DCs. See, she can't win.

I'm also confused about the ages tbh, sounds like you have a teenager but you're talking about playdates, so it's not totally clear age-wise.

I think you are being massively unreasonable. You come across as demanding, controlling and passive aggressive. have you considered councelling to get some help?

No time to do a long reply which this needs really due to your complete selfishness.
I am terrified almost to end up with a daughter in law like you, sorry to be so blunt but it's a genuine dread to risk losing a relationship with my children and gc due to this kind of thing....

If you decided you where adult enough to have sex and get pregnant.Well you're adult enough to stand on your feet.You cant have it both ways.

Your poor mil cant do right for doing wrong.

"I would offer to come but I've got a funeral"
She then asked how you were getting home. DH said you had it covered one way or another.

I wouldn't upset my friend by not turning up to her brothers funeral if I knew everyone was ok getting home some how.

I also would try and keep out of the way while the family were going through a stressful time. I probably would have made a call asking how he was and telling you to let me know if I could do anything, but that's really the only thing that was missing here.

Not to want to go to the effort of cooking and cleaning (which I assume you do anyway) for DHs family to come round seems and overreaction.
What have the rest of them done other than push you to stand on your own four feet between you when young and pregnant?

Unless she has done something absolutely horrific you can't ban her from coming to yours, and your dhs home. That's not fair on your dh.

You can tell dh you won't be entertaining and cleaning etc and you can if you wish make other plans if they are coming.

My fil has seen 5 year old ds about 10 times in his life. Fil lives 20 minutes away. Fil is a selfish cunt who isn't interested in ds, or dh really unless he wants something. I visit with dh and ds once a year at Christmas to support dh more than anything.

Fil can come to our home, but never does. Its dhs home as well at the end of the day.

What Boris says about forgiveness and acceptance. Don't overreact OP, it just isn't worth it.

"I think you need to think very long and hard about your motivation for doing this. Is it really in your DC’s best interest that they should have no grandparents at all? Or are you dong this to control your DH’s relationship with his family?

Perhaps you also need to think about forgiveness and acceptance. You seem to have taken various things as deliberate attempts to slight you. Your refusal to have MIL for DS’s birthday seems a complete overreaction, and rather immature. Real life is messy, people make mistakes. That doesn’t mean the only option is to cut people out of your lives. "

Myself and my OH have gone no contact with his family. We did this after months and months of abuse, it was the last resort and we did it for our own mental health and our children’s (they had no problem being abusive in front of our children) we even had to get police involved as our car was followed/people turning up at our home etc. In the nicest possible way, going NC was essential for us after trying every other option available. The reasons you state don’t seem justifiable enough to warrant complete no contact. I think maybe in life some people don’t gel together and that’s fine, but your case seems a more of smile and be polite in front of children for the sake of your partner and children having a relationship with them. I wish i had lovely in laws to rely on, your MIL may be a little insensitive with wording but I think that’s about it.

You do sound like hard work. If what you have described makes you want to go NC with them then you’re being absolutely ridiculous IMO.

You had a baby and had to make your own way to the hospital, as most people do!

Your MIL etc comes round and wants to interact with adults as well as your DC, again this is completely normal.
You didn’t ask her to take you to the hospital yet you’re complaining that she went to an funeral, it doesn’t matter who’s funeral it was, if she wanted to be there then that’s her decision.

It would be a shame for your DH to cause so many issues between him and his family and really not fair when they’ve not really done anything wrong.
They may not be perfect but they do have their own lives as well.

I think you need to lower your expectations and stop expecting so much of them or you’ll be the reason they go NC with you!

It sounds like the incident with your DS gave you a horrible shock and you are still recovering from it. I hope your DS is improving.

We can have lots of expectation and assumptions about others that we don’t even realize we have until we have a build up of resentment, which you certainly seem to have.

DH and I have never had any help or advice of any kind from his parents, in fact we help his mum and sister out financially, his sister has a job with our company. Most of what you are talking about is just the hard work of being an adult. I find what I would appreciate the most is emotional support. Unfortunately both my parents died when I was a teenager. DHs parents haven’t been any help as I mentioned.

I would be grateful for what is going well in your life, your happy marriage and two lovely children. I wouldn’t keep the children from their grandparents (unless abusive) because life is too short.

Fgs people the ds1 is, quite clearly, 10.

Op, there are some things i can see would be a little upsetfing, like the perceived lack of interest in speaking to the children directly, but theres an awful lot that are not issues at all and you come across as entitled thinking they are. Absolutely not enough to go NC and stop the children from having a grandparent.

MiL was perfectly reasonable to go to support her friend at her brother’s funeral. This was no issue at all. Nobody asked her to give you a lift either! Ridiculous to be upset at this. Why can’t you drive yourselves?

Why Are they watching inappropriate programmes when they visit? Why is the TV on at all when people visit?! Turn it off!

Be very careful about you don’t isolate your entire family.

I’m in a similar position.

I have reasons why I dont want to see the majority of my family and most of Dh - but I think that’s down to the issues I hold with in myself. There are something’s I can’t let go.

It might not be the same for your Dh. Don’t isolate him and his children from people they may want to see. I understand how your feeling but it’s also controlling.

You don’t want to be that person.

ssd called it perfectly.

If your DS is under 15 then I'm trying to work out what would be considered a "significant" birthday but I've no idea! Also, if you got together with your DH as teens, even if that was 13 you'd be late 20s by now. Why haven't either of you learned to drive in that time? Then you wouldn't have to get peeved at other people not dropping important plans to ferry you around. I agree with PPs you sound like hard work.

I'll just echo the mass of posters saying step back, don't project your own childhood. Nothing wrong with MIL. The levels of support you have expected were/are unrealistic. Especially the one pitting your need for a lift against her commitment to a funeral.

Learn to drive.

I thought that was part of being a parent..

And herein lies the problem. You have REALLY odd ideas as to what being a parent to young adults/adults looks like. You seem to be stuck in some childhood loop of need and are trying to drag your DH in.

Parents generally don’t do any of the things you have listed as insults against you. They don’t do it because it’s not normal. At some point you need to learn to adult properly and that point would definitely be when deciding you are old enough to have kids and play families.

I certainly don’t intend to accompany my kids to the labour ward when the time comes. I also imagine my kids would be pretty mortified if I did. I thank god they don’t seem to have the expectations you do.

You do expect a lot. You wanted her to not attend a funeral to give you a lift. She's not responsible for your transport I'm afraid. It was easy enough for you to get a taxi. Not inviting her to the party was a low blow. Look, our children are 11 and I've never had a parent babysit or help out. The s the breaks. Don't damage the relationship further with excessive expectations.