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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming at both my DM and DH

55 replies

DrVonPatak · 11/04/2019 21:45

So, I don't have much of a relationship with either of my parents. My "D"F didn't bother with us until he got a son and my "D"M definitely has narcissistic traits.

I gave up trying to make that relationship work 4 years ago and moved abroad, got married etc. I give my mother a precursor phone call every couple of weeks, my father even less. Last time anybody made an effort to see each other was at my sister's wedding 2 years ago. Nobody really complains, I just can't deal with their BS in my life.

Had a REALLY tough year after my DH was diagnosed with leukaemia. No real support from my DP, not so much as a get well card, but I expected no more, either. Now DH is getting better, he's cracking on with his to do list.

I, however, was never made aware of my parents being invited over constituted a part of that list until tonight DH showed me a text from my mother stating she bought plane tickets for a WEEK in July!!! A WEEK!!! I CAN'T DEAL WITH THEM FOR A WEEK!!!

And of course my mother didn't give two hoots whether or not we can actually take time off (most of our AL is reserved for appointments, therapies, etc anyway). I know my DH is seeing it all through the rose tinted glasses of his relationship with the DILs (who are more than amazing, I actually wish they were my parents). He has no idea of the kind of emotional abuse that's coming our way!!!

I can't deal with this!!! Sad

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 11/04/2019 21:48

Surely he knows your history? Seems like a weird thing To do.

Original poster
DrVonPatak · 11/04/2019 21:50

He knows part of my history. Full extent of it is a matter between my counsellor and myself. The thing is, after his experience, he has this urge to fix everything, which I understand, but why, oh why does it have to involve my parents?!?

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 11/04/2019 21:50

Leukaemia doesn’t mean he’s not a twat. He should have asked you first. I’d be booking a holiday. Alone.

Original poster
DrVonPatak · 11/04/2019 21:52

EXACTLY!!!

I need a Wine. And I'm teatotal.

OP posts:
Chickychoccyegg · 11/04/2019 21:52

what a bloody weird thing fir him to do! your dh invited your dp's for a week's visit and didnt think to discuss it with you? surely he must know what they're like? i would be hugely pissed off in your position!

Original poster
DrVonPatak · 11/04/2019 21:54

My gut instinct is to go have a trip to Antarctica for the duration of it. And without a doubt this will mean more ammunition for my mother's emotional blackmail arsenal.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 11/04/2019 21:59

Oh boy. I can see why you're possibly about to create the next international warning for a volcanic eruption.

Erm. . . I'm sure his heart was in the right place? BUT WHAT WAS HE THINKING?!

All I can suggest is several wine bottles and a straw. (My family's go to. You can imagine how well our family reunions go. . .)

Original poster
DrVonPatak · 11/04/2019 22:02

I actually physically don't want my parents in my house. That's how bad it is.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 11/04/2019 22:03

I absolutely understand. . . unfortunately - it sounds like the deed is done. . .

Oh Lord.

7yo7yo · 11/04/2019 22:06

Book a hotel room.
They stay there or they stay nowhere.

RB68 · 11/04/2019 22:09

stuff that book a hotel room and stay there yourself

RandomMess · 11/04/2019 22:09

I think "D"H will have a relapse and you will need to cancel even if it means giving them the airfare as there won't be the evidence to claim on insurance.

Perhaps you need to tell him a bit more about how bad it was?

Original poster
DrVonPatak · 11/04/2019 22:12

I can't. I tried, several times, but unless you actually lived with a narcissistic parent, you can't really put that into words.

And even with them in the hotel room I still have to have them in my life for a week. I just can't cope with that.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/04/2019 22:19

You need to tell him "no" and let him cancel it.

Parents will stop speaking to you after a huge row so could be the start of NC?

Nanny0gg · 11/04/2019 22:21

So why haven't you made that crystal clear to him?

vintanner · 11/04/2019 22:26

I find it strange your counsellor knows more about you than your husband does. I can't think of anything mine doesn't know about my life, good, bad or the ugly, and visa-versa.

I think you have to be more open and honest with yours. He needs to know how you really feel.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 11/04/2019 22:30

You need to tell him and he needs to cancel your parents visiting. However I expect they'll just turn up now anyway.

I would book a holiday yourself and get away. Either on your own or as a family. It's possibly the only way to not have them in your life for a week.

What does your counsellor think?

JamPasty · 11/04/2019 22:31

Tell DH "they are abusive. I've tried not to talk about it as I can't face thinking about it, but they were abusive and I cannot have then here. Had you asked me before inviting them I would have explained, but you didn't. Now you need to cancel their visit because I cannot have you inviting people who abused me into my life and home"

BasilBrushes · 11/04/2019 22:35

But how was your DH to know all this? If you’ve never told him?

IHateUncleJamie · 11/04/2019 22:36

Holy shit. I’m NC with my abusive mother and my DH fully supports that. He does know almost everything that’s happened though and NO WAY would he pull a stunt like that.

It’s nice that your DH has a lovely normal relationship with his parents but surely he respects you enough to accept that you don’t have that with yours, and are happier without them? How much have you told him?

I really think you need to tell him the full extent of their toxicity and that you cannot and will not have them in your home.

PoliticalBiscuit · 11/04/2019 22:36

My utter sympathy, I know exactly what you mean about him not getting it. I've spent time with so many people and they can't get it, there's no easy way to explain or demonstrate.

But - your husband has looked death in the face - he's decided that contact with friends and family is important to his recovery. Ultimately perhaps he thinks that it's all that matters. He's presumably a bit stressed given the circumstances and is reaching out. Trying his best. Failing.

You, on the other hand, have clung on to normality desperately whilst he's been recovering. Now you are finding the ground solid beneath your feet he's adding something else into the mix to really test your resolve.

You absolutely could, and probably should, tell your narcissistic parents they can't come as you are still healing as a family. But they wont, or can't, understand it - after it is all agreed and paid for. So it will cause massive rifts.

Ultimately I think you know the eventual outcome, which is what will be making you feel so so cross - that you are powerless. You're not. Talk to your husband. Explain your distress. Ask if there was a way to stop them coming, what would it be? How would it look?

I suspect once you figure out how it could work and logically think the steps through you to cancel the visit. And knowing that he would support you in your decision will be enough to cope with it. But knowing there is an "out" and that he will support you in it, might be all that you need to make the visit slightly more tolerable.

RomanyQueen1 · 11/04/2019 22:37

Oh no, you poor love.
I'm sure if he knew the full extent he wouldn't have done it.
He was probably thinking he could fix it and I'm not saying this is the case but maybe he was thinking negatively about not being here and them supporting you. Apologies if that's a bit raw, it's how a good friend behaved Thanks

IHateUncleJamie · 11/04/2019 22:37

Exactly what @Jampasty says.

Skittlesandbeer · 11/04/2019 22:55

Bully for him that he’s had life-changing epiphanies. If he wants a stronger relationship with his in-laws, he can buy himself a ticket to go and stay with them.

Tell him that since the planning didn’t take you into account, it can continue that way. Tell him you’ve booked a week ‘back home’ and that you hope it all goes well. And frankly that’d be the last sentence he heard out of me for a long time.

Cherrysoup · 11/04/2019 22:57

No, no and no again. He needs to cancel the visit. Tough shit about the plane tickets, hopefully he didn’t pay for them, but even if he did, the loss of money is worth the removal of the hassle. I think that he’s been thoughtlessly controlling and had no right to do this. They’re your parents, not his. If he’s on the road to recovery, having them over is not helpful, the tension will be horrible.