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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you’d be offended if your teenagers gf spent ‘too much’ on your teens birthday

80 replies

SandraDea · 11/04/2019 18:34

At my sisters earlier - it’s my nieces bf’s birthday tomorrow and my niece was wrapping presents (he’ll be 15).

My sister seems to have spent too much and my Bil commented that this is not appropriate as it’s probably more than what her bf’s parents could afford. My sister admitted she got carried away but thought it was ok.

She’s got the bf expensive jogging bottoms and a top (£70) plus a few bits and bobs and also a gift voucher for his favourite shop (£20) so in total has spent about £100.

Is my sister being totally unreasonable and probably going to cause offence to the bf’s family?

OP posts:
HappyLife21 · 11/04/2019 20:25

Tell her to buy him them then!

TheBigFatMermaid · 11/04/2019 20:27

I would be absolutely mortified if the parents of a girlfriend or boyfriends of one of my DC spent more than a token amount on my DCs birthday.

That is far more than I could afford to spend on them, and showing me up like that would be a step too far. As well as not being able to reciprocate.

Langrish · 11/04/2019 20:30

Awful lot of money for a 15 year old to spend on a boyfriend who’ll possibly be a fond memory in a few months. That your SIL paid is just weird, frankly.
He’ll be embarrassed and feel under pressure to do the same for her on her birthday which isn’t fair.

Cherrysoup · 11/04/2019 20:34

£20, max, on a present. They’re 15, fgs!

nutsfornutella · 11/04/2019 20:36

Your niece needs to save birthday, Xmas money etc if she wants to buy gifts for him. She probably won't be able to earn money at 15 but in a year or two, it should be easier.

DizzyPhillips · 11/04/2019 20:39

My MIL has always done that. She spends hundreds on me and my other SIL at our birthdays and at Christmas and while it’s lovely of her, I always find it a little uncomfortable.

My mum does not do this for my husband. She will spend around £40-£50 on him. I used to feel bad about that. Then I grew up and realised actually MIL is not necessarily in the right here and my mums presents are totally fine.

PocaMiseria · 11/04/2019 20:44

I have been the mother of the boyfriend in a very similar situation (15 year old girl, 17 year old boy) and the inappropriately expensive presents bothered me a lot.
I feared an escalation and that my student son would feel pressurised to spend money he (we) couldn't afford just to keep up with the value of what he'd been given. I also pointed out to him as nicely as I could that if he jumped right in with jewellery and designer clothes then he'd have no "quality gifts" left to get for her if the relationship progressed.
I made suggestions and helped him choose gifts but we kept the value below about £40.. i think she bought him a digital camera!
They aren't together any more - which is perfectly natural at their age.

francienolan · 11/04/2019 21:13

I remember as a teen my then boyfriend gave me an expensive pair of earrings. I had a gift for him (it was Christmas) but was much less expensive, although something I genuinely thought he would enjoy. He and his mother (!!) were really offended that his gift was so much 'better'. To be honest it really soured me on him as I felt like it was way too much and at the same time they clearly thought I wasn't a very good girlfriend. Also, it made me feel so guilty to look at the earrings I never wore them.

Moral of the story, the niece might cause some weirdness with a huge gift at this stage in their lives.

BackforGood · 11/04/2019 21:43

Not sure 'offended' is the right emotion.
However, I think it will be awkward, and potentially embarrassing.

Like other posters, I can't understand why your sister is paying for her dd's presents to her boyfriend Confused. It is up to her dd to buy him something that she can afford, surely ?

GabsAlot · 11/04/2019 23:46

she didnt pay for it herself op did she so let her tantrum id say

when shes working she can buy what she likes

ENormaSnob · 12/04/2019 00:09

We've been on the receiving end of this.

Dds previous 'boyfriend' (very much kids, more pals really) got her lots of gifts every bday/xmas etc. Plus his mum got her expensive stuff from hols to America. She felt she had to reciprocate and so earnt pocket money and spent wisely purchasing lots of smaller, albeit well thought out, gifts to keep up.

As a family we never once tried to even up. We left them to it. No way would I spend that on a friend/boyf/girlf. Don't actually spend that on my own kids tbh. Through choice, not austerity.

DietriotukMN · 12/04/2019 02:59

I think its lovely. I'd not mind if my child was bought something they wanted by their partners family and I would be happy that they are accepted and cared for by the other family

PregnantSea · 12/04/2019 06:03

If your niece had bought them all herself this would be fine. It's the fact that her mum has paid for it all that makes it so weird. Why can't she buy the gifts herself? It's a bit cheeky of her to say that he's "worth it" when it's someone else's money... My DH is worth everything to me but that doesn't mean I expect other people to buy him expensive things on my behalf lol.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 12/04/2019 06:15

I can actually see why the niece is reacting because her mother let her get to the point of wrapping and then removed some of the presents....it is quite odd that she recognised that she had overspend but it took it being pointed out by OP for her to do something about it ? Of course the niece will react

Although like pp I would say she can only argue about what she bought

If I were the bf parents I wouldn't be offended or uncomfortable if I am honest I would see it as a bit sad and silly to go so overboard and if I'm honest I'd find it a bit tacky but probably just shrug and day if she wants to spend silly money that's up to her.

Connieston · 12/04/2019 06:27

When I was 15 I bought my goth boyfriend a bat earring from the hippy stall in the market. I think it cost 3 quid. He dumped me a few weeks later. Maybe I should have spent more!

The relationship may not last forever at that stage and I think it is a bit much, especially as it's more like what you'd buy for a close relative.

Bankofenglandfiver · 12/04/2019 06:31

Your sister is doing the benevolent better off giving to the poor peasant whose parents can’t afford to get him aren’t I great look how good I am giving.

And she’s fed that into her DD and now has a tantrum to deal with.

Ugh.

Mememeplease · 12/04/2019 06:35

Not offended but I would think it was inappropriate and unnecessary. I would then feel guilty because I wouldn't be prepared to reciprocate even though I could afford to. I should imagine if money is tight then they might feel even worse that they can't reciprocate even if they wanted to.

nrpmum · 12/04/2019 06:51

Truthfully if I was the boys parents I'd probably not give it a second thought other than 'that's nice'.

If I were your sister the only concern I'd have was I was setting a precedent.

StoppinBy · 12/04/2019 07:06

If my child needed money in this situation I would at the most hand over $20, no more, if they wanted more they could do some paying jobs round the house.

PinaColadaPlease · 12/04/2019 07:11

When it comes to your niece's birthday the BF may feel awful about not being able to reciprocate. I think it's right that your Sis has removed some of the gifts.

AlaskanOilBaron · 12/04/2019 07:15

Really excessive involvement given the ages and time involved.

If my 16 year old were buying a present for a girlfriend (he doesn't have one) I'd just give him some money and let him get on with it.

Tixylixy · 12/04/2019 07:20

I'd hate this for my sons. What if they had a row next week and he wanted to dump her. How would she feel (angry and letdown?) and how would he feel (guilty and pressurised?). Plus it's the pressure on the parents to reciprocate.

longwayoff · 12/04/2019 07:26

Friend's 16 year old son got 6 weeks all inclusive in Australia, flights too, as a gift from the parents of his ten years older, and fairly recently acquired, girlfriend. It must have cost oodles for him to be added to this family holiday and he spent nothing, having nothing to spend. I would have shriveled with shame if it had been my son, we would have fallen out big time. Felt very wrong. His mum thinks I'm nuts though Smile

BarbarianMum · 12/04/2019 07:36

If your niece goes through life thinking that the amount you love someone = amount you spend on presents then she's going to be perpetually skint and disappointed.

For a relationship bw 15 year olds it's totally inappropriate and, if her mum's involved, a bit creepy. They're not buying him.

BunnyBob · 12/04/2019 07:49

It's weird for the mum to spend that much on her teenager's boyfriend. They''re kids, relationships are trivial at that age, they dump each other and start new relationships at a whim, therefore it's best to stick to to trivial prices that they can afford with their pocket money.