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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let a schizophrenic family member look after your DC?

84 replies

Februaryblooms · 11/04/2019 17:30

Just that really. Would you?

Relative with this diagnosis has offered to help with childcare when I return to work after having our second baby.

In my case, it's an absolute no. I don't feel comfortable with it due to the unpredictable nature of the illness, their lack of experience with children and the amount of relapses they have.

But AIBU and discriminatory?

OP posts:
quaterafter1 · 11/04/2019 20:12

My dh has schizophrenia so I have no choice to let him look after our dc. He's quite capable so I think it's quite discriminatory to base it purely on their illness.

CupcakeDrama · 11/04/2019 20:14

Depends on the person though quaterafter1

quaterafter1 · 11/04/2019 20:20

@CupcakeDrama yes someone without schizophrenia could be more dangerous than a person who suffers with schizophrenia

BlueMerchant · 11/04/2019 20:27

No. Am sure people living with schizophrenia are just like people without it most of the time but there is an added risk with the unpredictable nature of the illness and I would not be willing to take this risk.
Not the 'person' I wouldn't trust- it's the illness.

dragoning · 11/04/2019 20:30

their lack of experience with children

It would be a no from me because of this. Schizophrenia or not.

forestafantastica · 11/04/2019 20:34

Well, there are lots of schizophrenics with children, who look after them every day. Honestly, if they are on medication and if it's managed, YABVU and prejudiced. If it isn't controlled and they have been struggling, YANBU. But only you really know which of these it is.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 11/04/2019 20:52

No, absolutely not. And it’s not ‘discriminatory’. It’s just a personal choice. I don’t let my MIL babysit as she is married to someone who abused children (she’s lucky we speak to her frankly!). That’s our choice. No one is entitled to care for your children

Wtf has you MIL abusive partner got to do with making a decision on someone who has schizophrenia

The level of ignorance in this thread is astounding and shameful

If your relative has been stable and you feel better they can manage yes I would but you said they relapse often that would indicate that there are factors in their life that isn’t being or is difficult to manage so from what you have said no

Many people with schizophrenia manage to lead fairly normal lives

managedmis · 11/04/2019 20:52

Nope.

Langrish · 11/04/2019 20:55

No, I wouldn’t (father was schizophrenic).

forestafantastica · 11/04/2019 20:55

As an aside, I do feel like there is a lot of prejudice on this thread. Over half the people posting here clearly know jack and shit about MH. I did also feel like the OP was kind of looking for support that it's not OK to let one of those people near your child, and the later stuff about the relative not being very well right now was a bit of a drip feed.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 11/04/2019 21:00

I'm very interested in the fact it's been pointed out that many people with schizophrenia have children of their own who they care for perfectly well and cope.

I admire that because with my relative I could never see this as a possibility as she is so up and down and relapses frequently. I don't know if this is because she doesn't do enough to manage her illness or whether it's because her case is more severe than others.

I'm not the most educated about the diagnosis unfortunately, will do some reading, but what I've taken from a few of these comments is that it's possibly an illness with varying ends of the spectrum, is it not?

OP posts:
Original poster
Februaryblooms · 11/04/2019 21:05

@forestafantastica not at all, not whatsoever.

I don't look at my relative as "one of those people" whatsoever. I love and respect her very much. Her illness and how it manifests itself means I don't feel comfortable leaving my children in her care. That is all.

OP posts:
quaterafter1 · 11/04/2019 21:15

Is your relative aware of your concerns?

missymayhemsmum · 11/04/2019 21:15

Is she the best childcare option you can obtain, given that she has little experience with children, and a serious, relapsing illness which is likely to affect her judgement of risk and ability to relate to a child at some point? Put your children's needs first here. There may be some times she can look after them, and she may be a really valuable person n their lives, but that doesn't mean she's your best childcare choice.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 11/04/2019 21:36

She doesn't know my concerns no and I wouldn't tell her what I've said here because it would most definitely upset her.

Knowing her history as well as I do, I wouldn't entertain the idea even if I had no other options. I thanked her and told her I had already arranged my childcare in advance. I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings by being honest, in this case.

OP posts:
Order654 · 11/04/2019 21:38

No I wouldn’t

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 11/04/2019 21:40

When she's in a depressive phase she can be down on herself with feelings of worthlessness.

Me telling her I don't trust her with my DC would add weight to those feelings of inadequacy and I don't want her to feel that way on account of my own personal outlook.

I'm not predicting a childcare crisis for what it's worth so she didn't need to offer, she was just being kind.

OP posts:
TedTookVows · 11/04/2019 21:40

No. Our family has a schizophrenic member and is never left alone with any child or vulnerable adult for very good reason

Squigglesworth · 11/04/2019 21:54

With the details provided, no, I wouldn't be comfortable. Most likely it would be okay, but I'd worry myself sick the whole time with worst case scenarios. No sense in risking it if you don't have to, but I understand not wanting to tell her why you've declined.

extrastrongnosugar · 12/04/2019 03:44

Are you kidding me? Never!!

I have perfectly healthy family members that i wouldn't leave my children alone with.
Its your kids and there is absolutely no need for you to make anyone else feel good or be polite at the expensevof your peace of mind.

They can make their own

slipperywhensparticus · 12/04/2019 03:50

No as you have repeatedly pointed out your family member is relapsing every year it's far too dangerous

slipperywhensparticus · 12/04/2019 03:52

I dont think the OP has drip fed at all it's right up there on the first post the amount of relapses they have

Loopyloopy · 12/04/2019 03:58

She has a frequently relapsing, poorly controlled illness that impacts on her ability to safely care for children. So no. I wouldn't let someone who was having seizures or hypoglycaemic episodes look after my children, either.

Sashkin · 12/04/2019 04:05

She has a frequently relapsing, poorly controlled illness that impacts on her ability to safely care for children

This. Even leaving aside whether she is ok to look after your DC when she is unwell, what are you meant to do when she next gets sectioned again? Nurseries have long waitlists.

I wouldn’t want anybody with any kind of brittle illness providing sole childcare for me, in case they got sick and left me in the lurch. Obviously it’s not their fault they are ill, but I can’t just take time off work at the drop of a hat, I need reliability.

Roxyxoxo · 12/04/2019 04:12

She doesn’t relapse, it’s not a drug addiction. It’s a condition in which the medication controls, continuing to take it consistently is an issue for many people with mental health problems, and complex. However, you are not unreasonable to feel how you do.