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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let 4 year old still have a dummy

83 replies

Nowthatsamiriacle · 11/04/2019 10:15

Last night I got into a fairly big argument with DH over DS's dummy, (stupid, I know.) So basically DS just turned 4 and still has a dummy. We've always let him have this since it's been his main comfort since he was born.

Yesterday we had a visit to the dentist, who told me that the dummy needed to go asap, as it was causing an openbite. I told DH last night and he said we should get rid of the dummy.

AIBU to think that I I should let DS keep it. This may sound ridiculous, but DS has never been a good sleeper, and I think taking the dummy away would make it worse. Last time he spent the night without it, (We were staying over night and forgot it,) he bairly slept all night. And I think that if we take his then he'll just steal DD's (she's 14 months old.)

He only really has it at night and only occasionally through the day. Surely it can't be that bad?

OP posts:
WinkysTeatowel · 11/04/2019 12:10

Assume this is a reverse and your DH is the one who says to keep it. Either way, he is too old, it is affecting his teeth and he will be going to school in September. Explain he is too old and it is going.

Cloudly · 11/04/2019 12:14

Listen to what everyone are saying think about the long term issues you may have with your son’s teeth. There will be regrets, you are the parent be firm also stop your daughter having her dummy.

MumUndone · 11/04/2019 12:15

Unbelievable.

KipperTheFrog · 11/04/2019 12:18

Getting rid of the dummy was far less traumatic than I thought it would be. But we did it at 2...
DD gave her dummy to the dummy fairy, and the dummy fairy left her a dolly. We bought the book “Bea gives up her dummy” to read to prepare her, had one rough night then it was fine. She’s nearly 5 now, and still talks about how she gave her dummy to the dummy fairy so new babies could have it. She still likes reading the book.
If it’s causing actual dental problems, you really need to be the parent and do what’s best for your son in the long term. Does he have a comfort toy? Could you get him one to replace the dummy?

pilates · 11/04/2019 12:19

I think he is old enough to have a conversation about what the dentist said, sorry it needs to go.

IchHabeDurst · 11/04/2019 12:23

You have to get rid of the dummy. The dentist has confirmed it's causing physical issues and you need to stop this now before it gets worse and your son suffers well into adulthood, as other PP have said.

Take all his dummies and bin them so there's no temptation to give them back to him if he whines at you for them. Stand your ground and ride out the storm for his sake. Maybe swap them for a toy he would love and remind him that the toy was exchanged for the dummies any time he asks for them. Give him a day or two, maybe a week tops, and he'll forget all about them.

It took my then 22 month old 48 hours to get over not having his anymore and he'd had a dummy to help him sleep since he was 2 days old. 2 months later and he sleeps just fine. Kids adapt!

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 11/04/2019 12:23

2 years old is too old for a dummy so at 4 that thing should be long gone!

Stop Pandering to your child and chuck them in the bin.

SallyWD · 11/04/2019 12:26

I went cold turkey with my daughter at 3. I just binned all the dummies and said the dummy fairy had been. The first 3 nights she cried a lot and I comforted her then she was absolutely fine. I think you should listen to your dentist.

Piewife · 11/04/2019 12:27

4 is old enough to be told no and understand why. Maybe the 'dummy fairy' could visit or you could give some other reward / incentive for giving it up, if you want to be soft about it.

itsallamysterytome · 11/04/2019 12:31

We bought a 'getting rid of your dummy book' when DS was little, he chose the book, but we looked at lots before we found the one. Think we still have it and he is in his 20s now Smile. He too was really comforted by his dummy but his teeth were starting to change shape.

We read the book many, many times for a week or so, and discussed giving it up a lot, I think in the book it was for the baby bird to have it now or something like that.
The mummy bird wanted to buy him a present for the gift of the dummy, but once it was done there was no going back. He picked the toy he wanted as a gift. We spoke a lot about the toy and how lovely it would be to have it.
The desire for the toy eventually outweighed the desire to keep the dummy, so the dummy was put in a bag and hung up in the garden one evening. When he awoke the bag had gone and the toy was there.

He didn't ask for it again. Took a night or two to fall asleep as quickly as he did before but there was no real drama. If he asked we just said it was the baby birds now, over and over just that sentence.

Oh and his teeth are now perfect, best in the family.

RedPanda2 · 11/04/2019 12:33

You'd rather your child had dental problems than parent him? Wow ok

RedPanda2 · 11/04/2019 12:35

@KipperTheFrog that is adorable

missbrightside09 · 11/04/2019 12:36

Our older son was nearly 4 when we took his away. We told him the fairies had taken all his dummies and he would get a present for being such a brave boy.
We did a little sticker chart for 1 week and he got a present at the end of it. We also made a really big deal of telling people what a big boy he was in front of him and made him proud.
Admittedly he cried himself to sleep the first night but he was pretty much okay after the initial shock!
Just do it, he will probably surprise you with how well he can cope without it!

Kokeshi123 · 11/04/2019 12:37

I really don't think there is any need for dummies once they are about six months or so (out of the SIDS danger zone, starting to have a cup and eat foods, starting to drop milk feeds).

OP, I have heard of people snipping off the end with a sharp knife and then progressively cutting more and more off until it is such a pathetic stump that the kid gives up trying to keep it in their mouth.

Hollowvictory · 11/04/2019 12:38

Only if you want permanent dental problems and speech development issues. The dentist has said ditch the dummy. You should have done this years ago but could not be bothered. Lazy and neglectful parenting.

BurrSir · 11/04/2019 12:40

He won’t take his baby sister’s dummy. We took DD’s away when she was 18 months and she had never tried to take anyone else’s dummy and if he does you just tell him that’s someone else’s dummy.

Kokeshi123 · 11/04/2019 12:44

Frankly, "baby" sister (actually toddler sister) shouldn't be having one either. Standard advice is to start moving away from bottles and dummies from a year, if not earlier.

HJWT · 11/04/2019 12:49

My dd stopped having a bottle at 1 and only had the dummy at night, she falls asleep with it and spits it out, you need to be the adult not let your child tell you what he is having.

Aprillygirl · 11/04/2019 12:55

Your dentist has told you what will happen if carry on letting your DS suck on a dummy. Why don't you care about that? You sound selfish and more worried about having an easy life than your son's oral health. YABU.

eurochick · 11/04/2019 13:03

Just get rid of it. He's old enough for a reward system. One night without = small prize. One week without = treat.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/04/2019 13:12

All three of my dses had dummies - by 1 year old they were just for bedtime, and when they were old enough to understand (about 2.5, if I recall correctly - it is a long time ago) they took them to a toy shop and used them to buy a toy they wanted. Dh explained what we were doing to the shop assistant whilst they chose their toy, and we paid properly after they had 'paid' with the dummies.

Ds1 and ds2 both had a younger sibling who still had a dummy at the time that they gave theirs up, and we had no problems whatsoever with them stealing their younger brother's dummy.

You need to weigh up the short term pain of dealing with the dummy dependency now, against the long term discomfort and hassle of the dental work your child will need, if you don't deal with this now.

The child is 4 - you need to be the parent and do what is best for them, not what is easiest for you - and believe me, I know how hard it is having small children, and how sometimes you long to simply take the path of least resistance - but you simply can't do that when it is a matter of their health - and their teeth are important to their health.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 11/04/2019 13:16

My niece had a dummy until a late age. She had serious speech developmental delays and had barely uttered a single word by the age of three. Intervention was required and still her parents didn't get rid of the dummy.

At a similar age I noticed when DN smiled at me that all her back molars were brown. And yes, I did judge. Not to mince words, I think they're an ignorant, irresponsible pair of fucking idiots and it makes me very sad for DN. Their child is suffering unnecessarily: in whose kind of world would that sit well with a parent?

ethelfleda · 11/04/2019 13:20

So, pretty unanimous then Grin

purpleme12 · 11/04/2019 13:34

Mine had hers till just after she turned 5 (no dental problems). She'd have night terrors without it. I wasn't bothered to be honest but I don't think you've got much option here if the dentist has commented. You need to take it away. I'd go cold turkey saying you've lost it.

purpleme12 · 11/04/2019 13:35

(oh and she didn't have night terrors after we'd taken the dummy away) must have grown out of them